After 13 yrs together I found out my husband cheated a few months back with someone at work. He got caught on father's day when I found a txt on his work phone, he stated he was just talking to the woman about us. We were having issues because we were fighting alot, I knew something was not right just had no prove at that time. He claimed he stopped all communication with this woman and things started to get better between us until I got a real bad urinary tract infection that would not go away so I went to the dr. and had myself tested for an STD. he was acting way too guilty about me feeling sick. I decided to bluff him and called at work and told him I had an STD and how could you do this to me. He admitted that it was just once a few months ago. I went to the OW house and told her husband and shortly after my husband called me and said that it was not her it was a diffrent woman in the office the best friend. I felt terrible for almost ruining an innocent marriage but her and her husband knew I thought it was her and not her friend. Come to find out it was not just once he spent the night with her and admitted to sleeping with her a couple of times. My husband claims he stopped it on his own that he realized how wrong it was and he wanted to work out things for our family we have two boys- 15 and 12. He said he was confused at the time he did not know if he wanted to be married, but failed to tell me that at the time. I am trying really hard to get past this I just don't know if i can get past this knowing he works with her. He has a good job just got promoted last August and do not want to ask hime to change jobs, but at the same time I do not want to relive everyday this horrible event. He is truly trying to make things right between us , I know he loves me and I love him but can this really work with him seeing her? P.S no STD just UTI
I am in a similar spot, although I found out when things were just starting with my h and a woman he works with, so it ended before it reached a full-blown sexual affair. This was 2 years ago and they still work together. I'd prefer they didn't but I understand what you are saying about your h leaving his job...I didn't want to create a new set of problems financially, but it would surely have made my healing easier had I not had to think of him seeing her every day. My thought was that any little bump in the road for us might tempt him to vent to her & things could go south again.
He basically told her he could no longer talk to her about personal things, go to lunch with her, etc. and he pretty much keeps to himself at work now. She reacted sort of angry (did not understand why they could not still be friends) but I think pretty much keeps to herself now. The office Christmas parties are stressful for me but my h sticks by my side, holds my hand, sneaks a kiss & really doesn't seem to care less that she's there watching us together.
I think the key for me is that my husband was willing to end the friendship. IMO, once you cross the line with the friendship, ending it is the price to pay if you plan to rebuild your marriage.
I'm glad he is plugged back into your marriage. The best advice I can give you is to look at yourself and understand why he felt ready to bail back then...Sex life, living like roommates, etc...any changes you make will help you to feel more confident about you both as a couple.
It's funny (not really) how these types of things are so common. I was in the same situation 9 years ago only it was my wife going to lunch with the OM "friend". I told her it was really bothering me and could she please stop it but she kept insisting that it was just a friend relationship. Yeah right, going to lunch every week, etc., etc. I was so angry during that phase of their relationship becuase I was offended by the fact that she could be talking to this OM about our personal lives and it just really made be feel terrible for a long time - this went on for almost 4 years. Long story short, the ended up exactly where I thought they would - they slept together. It crushed me. Look it does not matter to me when anyone says that two people of the opposite sex can just be friends when they are both married and going places alone together - Bull, something else is going on there. I know as a man that the attention that I would be getting from this OW would be very difficult to resist having something more with that person; I really think it is human nature to want to be nurtured and intimate that is why avoiding these situations and working on the problem at hand with your marriage is where efforts need to be focused. Now it's up to you to decide where you want to go next. If you want to save your marriage, you can work through it. BTW, the OM still works at the same company my wife works at, but then again, so do I. So, if she wanted to, she could still have access to him so I just flat out told her - no more contact; and if she wants to sneak around on me with him at some point in the future, to respect me more than that and just tell me and I will be on my way out the door; I would rather take that than betrayel. She has sworn up and down that she realizes how much she hurt, me and our marriage and she has had feelings of terrible guilt over the years since so I do trust her. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I don't believe that there is any such thing as just a co-worker opposite sex "friend". Things escalate!
So, if she wanted to, she could still have access to him so I just flat out told her - no more contact; and if she wants to sneak around on me with him at some point in the future, to respect me more than that and just tell me and I will be on my way out the door; I would rather take that than betrayel.
I could have written this myself...said the same thing.
It's funny (not really) how these types of things are so common. I was in the same situation 9 years ago only it was my wife going to lunch with the OM "friend". I told her it was really bothering me and could she please stop it but she kept insisting that it was just a friend relationship. Yeah right, going to lunch every week, etc., etc. I was so angry during that phase of their relationship becuase I was offended by the fact that she could be talking to this OM about our personal lives and it just really made be feel terrible for a long time - this went on for almost 4 years. Long story short, the ended up exactly where I thought they would - they slept together. It crushed me. Look it does not matter to me when anyone says that two people of the opposite sex can just be friends when they are both married and going places alone together - Bull, something else is going on there. I know as a man that the attention that I would be getting from this OW would be very difficult to resist having something more with that person; I really think it is human nature to want to be nurtured and intimate that is why avoiding these situations and working on the problem at hand with your marriage is where efforts need to be focused. Now it's up to you to decide where you want to go next. If you want to save your marriage, you can work through it. BTW, the OM still works at the same company my wife works at, but then again, so do I. So, if she wanted to, she could still have access to him so I just flat out told her - no more contact; and if she wants to sneak around on me with him at some point in the future, to respect me more than that and just tell me and I will be on my way out the door; I would rather take that than betrayel. She has sworn up and down that she realizes how much she hurt, me and our marriage and she has had feelings of terrible guilt over the years since so I do trust her. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I don't believe that there is any such thing as just a co-worker opposite sex "friend". Things escalate!
You work at the same place as the OM? Id have been fired by now for kicking his teeth in every day before the whistle blew.
You HAVE kicked his ass? Havent you?
. Look it does not matter to me when anyone says that two people of the opposite sex can just be friends when they are both married and going places alone together - Bull, something else is going on there.
Agree. If there is not something going on, yet, it creates a very furtile ground for something to develop.
If you are married or commited to someone, you are careful to not spend very much one on one time with someone else of the opposite sex. Its called respect for your spouse/common decency.
Actually Nothingman, no I didn't kick his ass. At that time, I was so hurt that I really did not think she was even worth it. That is how upset I was. To bring it up now - 10 years later would be to open up the past that we have already worked so hard to get past. I should have beat the sh&*t out of him then and it would have at least proved to my wife that she was worth fighting for but to tell you the truth, I was just so devastated that I didn't really think she was worth it for what she had done. Of course, she is worth it but I was so damn pi**ed at her. I think you can understand this.
I am in a similar spot, although I found out when things were just starting with my h and a woman he works with, so it ended before it reached a full-blown sexual affair. This was 2 years ago and they still work together. I'd prefer they didn't but I understand what you are saying about your h leaving his job...I didn't want to create a new set of problems financially, but it would surely have made my healing easier had I not had to think of him seeing her every day. My thought was that any little bump in the road for us might tempt him to vent to her & things could go south again.
He basically told her he could no longer talk to her about personal things, go to lunch with her, etc. and he pretty much keeps to himself at work now. She reacted sort of angry (did not understand why they could not still be friends) but I think pretty much keeps to herself now. The office Christmas parties are stressful for me but my h sticks by my side, holds my hand, sneaks a kiss & really doesn't seem to care less that she's there watching us together.
I think the key for me is that my husband was willing to end the friendship. IMO, once you cross the line with the friendship, ending it is the price to pay if you plan to rebuild your marriage.
I'm glad he is plugged back into your marriage. The best advice I can give you is to look at yourself and understand why he felt ready to bail back then...Sex life, living like roommates, etc...any changes you make will help you to feel more confident about you both as a couple.
Glad to hear it was just a UTI.
The only reason I was given for him doing this was that he was confused, he was not sure if he wanted to be married anymore. I asked him that many times if he wanted out of the marriage and No was the aswer everytime. I did nothing to warrant this behavior in fact we were having sex more then usual, but was fighting alot because he was still turning cell phone off and playing games.
I could have written this myself...said the same thing.
I guess the real issue is with it being a co-worker how can I ever know for sure nothing is going on. Can a guy have sex with a woman see her on a daily basis and not be tempted to go back. After all he had sex with her a couple of times. He swears nothing is going on now no talking, emails or txting. He made a bad mistake and he knows he wants his marriage, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel I deserve better then this. I don't trust my judgement now. He has it so easy. I did not kick him out, just cry alot all I think about is him having sex with her, it makes me angry.
It is hard to forgive and trust again after something like this happens in a marriage. Both have to be committed and hope that it does not happen again.
My husband is a terrible communicator. He says he will try harder, but men seem to bottle up their frustrations and concerns until it is almost too late. It is so much easier for them to "vent" their frustrations to someone else who is "outside" the picture. Plus, that other woman is so much easier to speak with about the issues at hand because that other woman doesn't have the financial, emotional, and family pressures shared with you. Plus, of course, you are going to voice your opinions to your husband when you do discuss issues. This other woman just agrees with everything your husband says, which is a big ego boost to your hubby.
Men do not think it is "cheating" on their wife if they discuss their personal issues with another woman. My husband says, "how come it is alright for you to discuss your issues and it isn't alright to discuss mine with others?" The only retort I have to say to him is that he always chooses to discuss his personal life with another woman who "likes" him and with him discussing "home" issues, it is giving that woman a signal that he is showing "interest" in her by sharing his personal life. There is definately a fine line there.
I hope all works out with you. If the love is still there, the trust will eventually follow again. It definately won't happen overnight, but if you both want this relationship, it will eventually work its way out.
It is terrible that he didn't discuss anything with you regarding problems before he did any of this to you. That other woman really disrespected you by doing this too.
My H and I really love one another, we just did not take care of the marriage the way we should of, too busy working and taking care of the kids. I thought we were working on our marriage after he complained to me back in January we even went to counseling in Feb and March but he was not commiting 100% at that time and then he said he had the affair in May/June. I feel he is really sorry for what he did but just don't understand or trust anything he says right now. I feel like he should be out of the house until I think he means what he says. At the same time I think we need to work on this together not apart. CHEATING is so evil. I want my happily ever after back. I just found out the other woman that works with him will be gone from work for two weeks and she stated on her myspace that it is going to suck. I do not know why she is not going to be there, I just know that when you do bad things bad things will come back to you. I was under the impression the whole thing got swept under the rug by the boss man but maybe not.
Angel13 - your situation was and is identical to mine. Exactly the same. The whole, we lost touch with each other raising a family taking care of a house, etc. And he still works at the same company that she does although not in the same department but the same building. Can your H be around her and not think about sleeping together again, I don't know, I would think that the temptation is there - unless - he really does have a terrible honest guilty feeling about what he did. Sometimes, that is a bad enough feeling for him to understand that he never wants to go through that again - betraying you and your children. I would be lying if I said that it is not always in the back of my mind that this guy still works at my wifes work and it's in the back of my mind everyday. Here is the truly evil part and I feel like I am a bad person about it but we are going to have layoffs at work and it would not hurt my feelings at all if he was let go. It would give me piece of mind somewhat. But the again, it could be my wife or even me that gets let go - what a crazy world we create by our misdeeds. So long story short, we did work through it and it was almost 10 years ago. I know she has not seen this guy since becuase she went through a phase of so much guilt that she felt ashamed of herself - every time she went to church mostly. So the only thing I have to offer you is to feel it out, see if he shows any real remorse, see if he does not bring up this OW ever again. One thing is for sure though, make it VERY clear to him that you will not ever put up with this again and that he is to cease ALL contact with this OW.
Thanks for your insight. I do believe he feels very guilty for what he has done and got caught and he is not the one that brings up the OW I am the one that is having a hard time letting this go, it has only been a week since the truth came out so I hope with time it will pass. I am ready to smile again and be happy. I feel he is trying to make things better just feel he can do a lot more. I am still asking him for things...like try and call me more during the day, I get one call at the end of the day around 3 or 4 he works until 5. I need to appreciate all his efforts, I guess my heart is not ready to yet. One minute i won't him to hold me the next I want him as far from me as possible. I start picturing him with the OW having sex. It is a horrible feeling that Ii want to go away.
I think those are all normal feelings. You are a very forgiving person and you must love your husband very much to try and make the marriage work. Hopefully he realizes what a wonderful person you are.
You definately need to spend more quality time together. Plus he needs to confide in you and tell you why he chose the path that he did. He had to know how hurtful it was going to be for you when it all came out.
I think it will be hard NOT to talk about what happened and bring it up about the OW. He probably will get sick of hearing of it, but you have to tell him that it is your way to heal and if he wants your forgiveness, you need to talk about it. Plus it will be hard for you because he still works with her.
Good luck and I hope everything turns out well for you and your husband.
Husband cheated with co-worker...help
