How to just stop caring what he's up to
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-13-2013, 03:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to just stop caring what he's up to

My story in brief... married for 17 years, happily or so I thought. I found out in September 2012 that STBXH has been cheating for the last 3 years (at least that's what I can prove) with random sex partners he meets on adult dating sites. I told him he had to leave, kicked him out and have been trying ever since to do the 180 with varying degrees of success.

The problem is I can't seem to stop caring. I pretend not to care how he spends his time. I pretend it doesn't hurt that I KNOW he's still trolling all the sex sites and hooking up with strangers. But I do care and it just hurts so much.

I don't intend to reconcile or even try getting back together at this point even though he seems to think we will somehow miraculously work things out. It would take a miracle at this point. But I would like to just stop caring. For anyone who's been through this and moved on successfully, how did you manage to really let go of the hurt?
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

Well darn, I was going to answer but then you asked for 'anyone thats been through this and moved on successfully' and Im still working on that so that rules me out!

Are you guys in different houses? Papers filed? If so you should start getting out, maybe meet some guys that would keep your mind off of him. I would suggest a hobby but honestly that doesnt stop you from thinking about him, you need a "nice" guy to keep your mind off of him!
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

LD,
We are in separate houses, but see each other very often due to our kids' extracurricular schedules. We get along well and are still very close friends. And we do love one another. But he's not willing to do what it takes to gain control of his sex addiction, and I can't take the pain of being married to him anymore. In fact I feel like he'd be perfectly happy to stay married but separated indefinitely (of course he would... cake eating at its finest).

I have consulted an attorney, but haven't filed papers yet. That's obviously the next step, but am having a hard time just doing it. I have actually met a few nice men and I have enjoyed that fun feeling of getting to know someone new and feel attractive again.

But I miss my husband. I know it will go away in time, but some days are sure worse than others.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

If you have already separated. Then I say D and move on.

I can't warn you enough what men like this will do to squander marriage vows and promises.

Please do not think for one minute that your H will change much. I've never had success. If you choose to just not care and live life "like normal"....it won't last. You will end up caring. Because one day he'll come home and give you an STD, HIV, herpes...whatever. He'll knock someone up. He'll treat you like crap. And it will not end.

Please reconsider.
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Old 05-13-2013, 03:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

SomethingElse,

Thank you and I do agree with you. I don't think he has the capability to change even if he really wants to. We are not sexually active with one another, nor will we be because I know he does not use protection. Although I do feel love for him I do not feel attraction at this point because his actions disgust me. I am STD-free and will not let him touch me with a 10 foot pole.

I just miss him and it hurts to know how much he's thrown away. I know I'll be happier in the long run, but I'm so tired of hurting. Most days I feel strong and focused, but some days are just so very hard. Thanks for the encouragemen - I just really need it today.
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

For what it's worth, I'm going through the exact same contemplation with my H, except I have not separated from him at this point. If you want you can read my thread. It's basically where I'm at right now.

I let out quite a few more tid bits as the thread goes on

Resentment for H
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

Get a life literally. A full happy life. Then you wont care. All unhappiness is caused by comparison. If you compare favorably, you will be over it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

File for divorce and get a life. Moving on.

That's how stop caring.
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

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Originally Posted by somethingelse View Post
For what it's worth, I'm going through the exact same contemplation with my H, except I have not separated from him at this point. If you want you can read my thread. It's basically where I'm at right now.

I let out quite a few more tid bits as the thread goes on

Resentment for H
I just read your thread and we have such similar backgrounds. I reached my breaking point with this last discovery 8 months ago. I told him then that I wanted a divorce and he got on his knees and begged, promised he'd do anything. So I said, I was happy to hear that and here is what he'd have to do RIGHT THAT MINUTE:

1. sit with me at the computer so that I can WATCH him delete all his profiles
2. Remove the passcode from his phone.
3. Go with me to the cell phone carrier to change his phone (no more Smart Phone!) and change his phone number.

And he sat there with tears in his eyes and said that he couldn't do it. That's when I knew. He wasn't lying... he really couldn't make himself do it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

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Originally Posted by punkinhead View Post
I just read your thread and we have such similar backgrounds. I reached my breaking point with this last discovery 8 months ago. I told him then that I wanted a divorce and he got on his knees and begged, promised he'd do anything. So I said, I was happy to hear that and here is what he'd have to do RIGHT THAT MINUTE:

1. sit with me at the computer so that I can WATCH him delete all his profiles
2. Remove the passcode from his phone.
3. Go with me to the cell phone carrier to change his phone (no more Smart Phone!) and change his phone number.

And he sat there with tears in his eyes and said that he couldn't do it. That's when I knew. He wasn't lying... he really couldn't make himself do it.
I've done the same things with my H. I've had him change his phone twice already. This last time I didn't, because I just think "what's the point anymore?"

So your H admitted he couldn't stop cheating? I wish mine would tell me that instead of dragging me along for the ride. My own fault for staying, but still. This would be so much easier if he would just admit that he cannot stay faithful to one woman. Then I would say "Well. Then let's D, and be civil about this" But my H claims he is never going to do it again.

That's why I say to you...if he admitted he cannot change for you, and you are already separated. Keep that wheel turning and carry on to D. The emotions are terrible I can imagine. I left my H for a week at one point and my whole world felt upside down. But now I'm back in, and feeling resentful because he got back on online dating sites again, and I caught him before he did anything. But I'm still bitter about it.
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Old 05-13-2013, 04:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

Is the hurt because he is with someone else, or because you feel hurt you were not enough for him. I mean, no way it's your fault, but I sure can imagine it will make you feel like that...
If he would stop it, would you consider go back to him?
The best thing is to start caring about YOUR well being. And it's his failing, not yours. Take care!
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Old 05-13-2013, 05:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

Hi Punkin-

So sorry to hear you are still struggling with all of this. I read this thread and immediately thought of this quote.

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1PsPJFz7Sq...o+they+are.jpg


If your STBXH is saying he is incapable of doing what is right, please believe him and find the saving grace in him letting you go and find the life you really deserve. You are entitled to so much better than a man who is only capable of loving himself. Please punkin, go and find you, the life you want and desire. Stay strong!
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

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Originally Posted by catfan View Post
Is the hurt because he is with someone else, or because you feel hurt you were not enough for him. I mean, no way it's your fault, but I sure can imagine it will make you feel like that...
If he would stop it, would you consider go back to him?
The best thing is to start caring about YOUR well being. And it's his failing, not yours. Take care!
The hurt is for both of those things... thinking he prefers random strangers to someone who loves him so much, and feeling like I'm not enough. It also hurts to see my children so brokenhearted.

But it is his failing and I am sticking with my plans. I'm not reaching out to him and i don't intend to. Just having a hard day!
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Old 05-13-2013, 08:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

[QUOTE=brokenhearted118;1802449]Hi Punkin-


When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1PsPJFz7Sq...o+they+are.jpg

]

Truer words were never spoken! Thank you! I am staying strong (well at least not letting him see that I am weak!) I know that this will pass, but some days are just so much harder than others.
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Old 05-13-2013, 10:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to just stop caring what he's up to

punkinhead,

I started making a bucket list of things I wanted to do. I got three of them done this year. Falconry, Zip Lining, Helicopter Ride... Life is right there waiting for you to grab ahold of it.

For me. I'm divorced. I told my EX that we would not be friends. I did not want to hear about her day or anything in her life. I do not speak to her. She texts me. I buried the woman she was once. I don't want to be friends with her. I don't tolerate my friends acting badly. I told my children, she is your mother and your relationship with her is your relationship with her. Mine was broken and it's past repair. I stopped caring about her because she just didn't care about me or what she was doing for the kids.

It takes time. Divorce is like a funeral. You have to grieve, but the body is never buried.

I am sorry you are here. I wish you well.
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