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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-15-2013, 08:08 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Cheating with Another Woman

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Shall I let her know when I told that person? Perhaps one of our common friends who will not spread the issue might be a good idea.
You would want to let her know AFTER you talk. Make sure it is a discreet friend who is truly a friend of the marriage. This isn't about blame or casting stones. It's about accountability. The reason you don't tell your wife first is so that she can't run "defense" before your talk.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:14 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice. Before I gave the option, she actually told me that she wanted to stay in this marriage no matter what. She has a lot to lose if she won't stay because she could not return to the country where we migrated because her visa is attached to me and she does not have money of her own. I have already started to change all our bank accounts from joint to only my name telling her that I would invest them offshore.

We have agreed that I will never forgive her if this happens once again. Now that all our bank accounts are only under my name she maybe more careful. And if this situation gets out and the family knows, this will be a huge scandal and I'm not sure where she will end up.

I believe that we have already gone to the bottom of the issue. First, she said she did not have feelings for the lesbian anymore but was only tempted when they met recently. But they only for a once and after a few days she told me that they started having sex. She told me that she was the one who always initiated it. Having sex in the movie houses and car parks seemed to be not her style and she told me that she's very sorry about it and regretted it. She even said that she has already lost respect for herself and wants to forget all of these and move on. She even asked to go back to the country where we migrated. Second, of course is my coldness and being too busy - this one is true for sure.

The SIM card is still a puzzles to me. She might not be into something and I'm planning to catch her. Should I confront her?
Where are you from ? Of all the things she stands to lose, where do you think "love for you" stands ? The lesbian OW is in which country ?
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:15 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thanks a lot Warlock. My wife told me that she called her lover and told her to end the relationship. She also told me that they really had planned to end it because she's feeling guilty already. But I did not see the texts between them.

No, I did not expose the lesbian to her friends. So far, only the three of us know this - the lesbian, my wife and myself.

Maybe I'm taking too easy because I love her so much and I'm really thinking of the children.
Your logic doesn't make sense. If you are really thinking about the kids and keep the family intact, then you need to stop the affair. If you really need to stop the affair, then you need to be pro-active about it and stop being in denial.

Do you know where she hid the SIM cards ? Would she tell you if you ask her about it(She probably won't).Can't believe why anyone would have a reason to hide SIM cards unless she is continuing the affair.

Make your wife call her lover in front of you. Listen to what she says to the lover. Then you talk to this woman and confront this woman. Try to retrieve all the communication that happened in between them.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:13 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Ok, thanks for the advice.

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You would want to let her know AFTER you talk. Make sure it is a discreet friend who is truly a friend of the marriage. This isn't about blame or casting stones. It's about accountability. The reason you don't tell your wife first is so that she can't run "defense" before your talk.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:14 AM   #20 (permalink)
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OK I'll ask her to call her lover in front of me. I'm I'll do it pronto. I know she will be irritated but I think it would be great to see her facial expression as they talk on the phone.


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Your logic doesn't make sense. If you are really thinking about the kids and keep the family intact, then you need to stop the affair. If you really need to stop the affair, then you need to be pro-active about it and stop being in denial.

Do you know where she hid the SIM cards ? Would she tell you if you ask her about it(She probably won't).Can't believe why anyone would have a reason to hide SIM cards unless she is continuing the affair.

Make your wife call her lover in front of you. Listen to what she says to the lover. Then you talk to this woman and confront this woman. Try to retrieve all the communication that happened in between them.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:16 AM   #21 (permalink)
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We are from Eastern Europe and we moved to North America. We are currently in Europe and the lesbian is in Europe.
I can feel my wife still loves me.


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Where are you from ? Of all the things she stands to lose, where do you think "love for you" stands ? The lesbian OW is in which country ?
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:22 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Honestly, if you knew that she was in a lesbian relationship before you were married, then you had to know that something like this might happen in your marriage. People are who they are. I'm not putting her down because of her sexuality preference but if your bi or gay, well that's who you are. There's always that chance that she would fall back on it. It's a chance that you have to take but an affair is an affair. It's hard enough to have a wife who cheats with another man but now how could you feel secure with her being around other women? Sorry but you didn't think this out before you married her. I hope you don't think that I'm coming down too hard on you but you can't turn off your sexual preferences like a light switch. My sister married a gay man who "became" straight and it didn't work out. He is gay and that's the way it is. Wasn't bad enough that he lied to her but he lied to himself. The only things in life that is guaranteed is dying and paying taxes. I hope for the best for you and that you and your wife can work it out.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:31 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Thanks a lot.

I did not know that she had a lesbian relationship before we got married. Almost everyone close to her knew except me. That's probably the reason why every time we meet her friends - who by the way are mostly lesbians - she would remove my hand from hers. Probably, she was not comfortable them seeing us knowing what she is. I asked her whether she is a bisexual but she said that she's really attracted to men and that she is ONLY attracted to this particular lesbian because of the way she is being cared and loved by this lesbian. I asked her why she kept the lesbian relationship from me in the past, she said that she considered it a PAST and that she did not really love the lesbian during that time. But when met, she fell in love again.

My wife is really feminine and enjoys sex with me so much. She had a boyfriend after the lesbian and then me.

What really puzzled me is that when she had the affair recently, she forgot all her values and decency. She did not care that people would see them in malls and cinemas and even in car parks. She told me that she was the one who initiated sex with lesbian whenever she goes to the house of the lesbian.

She has promised to stay in the marriage and I believe her for now but I guess I need to be vigilant.

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Honestly, if you knew that she was in a lesbian relationship before you were married, then you had to know that something like this might happen in your marriage. People are who they are. I'm not putting her down because of her sexuality preference but if your bi or gay, well that's who you are. There's always that chance that she would fall back on it. It's a chance that you have to take but an affair is an affair. It's hard enough to have a wife who cheats with another man but now how could you feel secure with her being around other women? Sorry but you didn't think this out before you married her. I hope you don't think that I'm coming down too hard on you but you can't turn off your sexual preferences like a light switch. My sister married a gay man who "became" straight and it didn't work out. He is gay and that's the way it is. Wasn't bad enough that he lied to her but he lied to himself. The only things in life that is guaranteed is dying and paying taxes. I hope for the best for you and that you and your wife can work it out.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:07 AM   #24 (permalink)
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We are from Eastern Europe and we moved to North America. We are currently in Europe and the lesbian is in Europe.
I can feel my wife still loves me.
So she needs you to be close to her lover ?
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:03 PM   #25 (permalink)
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No i'm temporarily assigned her for work and will go back to North America in a year.

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So she needs you to be close to her lover ?
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:04 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Is it possible that she knows you very well. Is it possible that she knew that she could engage and initiate lesbian sex in parking lots and even in your home and in your bed; because down deep she knew that if and when she got caught you would forgive her anyway? In short, she really had nothing to lose.

Cheating in your home and bed and degrading herself in such a way in parks and cars is so massively humiliating and disrespecting to your marriage and humiliating to you as a husband and man. She clearly had been planning this from the very beginning. She played and humiliated you in the worst possible way. She was able to have her cake and eat it and her marriage remains. She played you for a total fool and degraded you in your own home and really there were no consequences for her.

If the roles were reversed and you had set up with an ex girlfriend many time to have sex in your home and marital bed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? Sorry but her actions show she wants to remain being taken care and has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:47 PM   #27 (permalink)
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The SIM card is still a puzzles to me. She might not be into something and I'm planning to catch her. Should I confront her?
The fact you even have to ask is a worry..why does she need two sim cards, has she had two sim cards before, ask her for the sim card and see her reaction..
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Old 05-15-2013, 05:12 PM   #28 (permalink)
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James I think you got it pretty good. But lets me just say that YES you will need to expose the affair to your friends and family there is no shame in this because you did nothing. No matter if you were cold to her that does not excuse an affair. What happens if you get a medical condition and can't have sex does that mean she can go screw around? Of course not. I would plan for later this week or at the latest next week before you let the disclosure go. Let her know you are going to expose the affair and let her hear the conversation if they have questions she needs to answer them. This is her mess not yours it is not your job to clean it up she shyte all over you marriage vows and you love and trust. She needs to hand write a no contact letter to the women and give it to you to mail. This should happen TODAY you only have her word that she broke it off and her word is meaningless now. She could of written "We need to be apart because I want to be with my kids but someday we will meet up and I know our love will endure" or some crap like that. You just do not know the first step is the no contact the second is exposure the third is complete transparency she crapped all over you and your kids if this was someone outside you marriage you would be out for blood but since it is her you are going easy on her. This does neither you nor her any good all this is to ensure a stronger marriage.
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Old 05-15-2013, 06:47 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I stand corrected. I misread it and thought you knew about her relationship before you married. Sorry for the error. Hope you can work this out. Good luck.
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Old 05-15-2013, 10:28 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Guys, I'm really desperate to work this out considering the future of our children. Can you please give me the pros and cons based on your experiences? Thanks a lot.
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