Wife Cheating with Another Woman
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-15-2013, 04:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My wife and I have been married for ten years and have two young kids. A few weeks back, I noticed my wife to be secretive. She changed passwords for her email and facebook and even regularly changed her phone PIN. From my investigation, I found out that before we got married, she had a relationship with a lesbian. This lesbian was her first love so it seemed. She hid this from me (later she told me that it was already the PAST). After we got married we moved to another country. While there we were busy with work and adjustments with the new environment. For the first five years our relationship was great. We had a great time. We normally held hands in public and we have been so sweet. However, during one of our visits in our country, I noticed that whenever we get into her friends in the mall she would remove her hands from mine and she did not even introduce me to her friends. When I asked her, she said she forgot. But it happened in other occasions until such time that I decided to stop being so sweet with her in public. That's when our feelings for each other started to erode. During that time, job back to another country demanded a lot of travel and I was always tired from too much demand from work. I seldom had sex with her. She seemed to be alright with it. I noticed though that we began to be a little 'cold' to each other especially when the kids came as we were busy taking care of them and at the same time work.
While we were in that country, my wife started communicating with her friends back home and they always talked about someone whose name I could not get. It appeared that my wife was still interested with her lesbian lover. She pestered her friends about the life and situation of the lesbian who from what I gathered became addicted to drugs and broke a few families by having affairs with married women. The lesbian has already reformed according to my sources.
Last year, I was temporarily posted in our country and I brought my family with me. A few days after arrival, my wife met with her friends together with her former lesbian lover. A few months later they started texting. A couple of months back, her friend had a get together at our house while I was on an overseas trip. The lesbian slept in our house with her other friends. Nothing happened. I found out that my wife invited her other friend to come to our house as an excuse for the lesbian to sleep in our house. IN other words, my wife manipulated the situation so that it will not be obvious for the maids at home. A few days after that, my wife started going out with the lesbian again. I found out that my wife is the one always asking the lesbian to go out and even paid for their movies and food. They watched movies together. From what I gathered they made out in the movie houses, car parks and at the house of the lesbian.
While this was happening the lesbian even attended one of the parties we hosted at home. I was introduced to her. I did not know the situation by then that by that time my wife and the lesbian were already into a monthlong affair. During that time, I remember my wife asking me to allow her to go out with her friends on an trip somewhere but I refused. I told her that we should go together as a family. She insisted that she should also have time with friends alone. I refused. I found later that she and the lesbian were planning on a trip together.
I discovered all of these from different sources and confronted by wife. She admitted and asked for forgiveness. At first she said it was just nothing. That they were just sending SMS regularly showing their care for each other. When I probed further, she admitted that she started to fall in love with the lesbian and that she was happy that I discovered it and that I puled her out. A few days later after the confrontation, we talked some more and I told her I'm trying to forgive her. That's the time she admitted that she already had sex with the lesbian several times. I said that I have to recover from this. She begged for my forgiveness. I love her so much so I told her that I've forgiven her. I'm still trying to cope. I gave her options - to stay with the marriage or get out. She does not want our marriage to break as according to her she loves me very much and she does not want the children to grow with their parents apart. She promised to be faithful and never do it again. When I pressed for the reason why she did it, she said that I was a bit cold and always busy and did not have time for sex. I felt bad and guilty that my shortcomings drove her to infidelity. She acknowledged that it was not an excuse and admitted that it's her mistake and promised to correct it. She said she already broke up with the lesbian.

She has changed a lot and never goes out on her own. We always go out together. Our confrontation happened about 2 weeks ago but we have made a lot of progress in terms of our relationship. Since then, we had become more open and transparent. We are trying to catch up with lost times. We have sex almost every day - sometimes 3 times a day. We went out of town to be together. So far, we are doing good. We are like new lovers again.
But in my mind, I worried that she might do it again. Te other day, I saw her quickly remove a SIM card from one of her phones and stashed it away. I'm probably just paranoid but I suspect, that she still communicates with the lesbian by phone. I hope I'm wrong. Thoughts?
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Old 05-15-2013, 05:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I lost my first LTR girlfriend to another woman. Hurt like anything. My best wishes to you. Stay strong for your children.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks a lot for your encouragement Matt Matt
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Did your wife send a message to the lesbian that she wants nothing to do with her in the future ? Did you expose the lesbian to her friends ? Did you get to read the texts between them ?

Get tested for STDs.

I have a feeling that you are taking it way too easy because the affair was with a woman. This will come back and bite you in your ass today.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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It always scares me when I read about a wayward swapping SIM cards. I don't know why except to say that they're really devoted to the deception.

OP...you gave HER the option to reconcile. That is a mistake because that is YOUR option. She alread had hers and you see what she did with it?

As warlock said and I agree - you seem to have taken this too lightly because it was another woman.

You need to get to the bottom of the reason(s) WHY she chose to step outside of your marriage before you can truly begin to reconcile.

The sex of an affair partner matters not. She cheated on you. You are going to still get trickle truth and not get the full version of what really happened.

Besides, she's already gotten you to do most of the heavy lifting by taking blame for her affair.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks a lot Warlock. My wife told me that she called her lover and told her to end the relationship. She also told me that they really had planned to end it because she's feeling guilty already. But I did not see the texts between them.

No, I did not expose the lesbian to her friends. So far, only the three of us know this - the lesbian, my wife and myself.

Maybe I'm taking too easy because I love her so much and I'm really thinking of the children.


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Did your wife send a message to the lesbian that she wants nothing to do with her in the future ? Did you expose the lesbian to her friends ? Did you get to read the texts between them ?

Get tested for STDs.

I have a feeling that you are taking it way too easy because the affair was with a woman. This will come back and bite you in your ass today.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
But in my mind, I worried that she might do it again. Te other day, I saw her quickly remove a SIM card from one of her phones and stashed it away. I'm probably just paranoid but I suspect, that she still communicates with the lesbian by phone. I hope I'm wrong. Thoughts?

This is another red flag that your letting slip by AGAIN. How can you not be paranoid when she already had an affair behind your back a few weeks ago. Get that SIM card. Don't close your eyes and hope for it to go away. Expose her for her lies and make her accountable for her actions. If it was a man would you take it so lightly? Both of you should STD test.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Brother...that is called rug sweeping.

I love my wife, too. I still hammered her with questions of why and how, as well as exposing to those who are close to us. Your wife had an AFFAIR. Don't think that another man is not a possiblity in her closet or future if you don't get to the bottom of this pronto.
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Old 05-15-2013, 07:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice. Before I gave the option, she actually told me that she wanted to stay in this marriage no matter what. She has a lot to lose if she won't stay because she could not return to the country where we migrated because her visa is attached to me and she does not have money of her own. I have already started to change all our bank accounts from joint to only my name telling her that I would invest them offshore.

We have agreed that I will never forgive her if this happens once again. Now that all our bank accounts are only under my name she maybe more careful. And if this situation gets out and the family knows, this will be a huge scandal and I'm not sure where she will end up.

I believe that we have already gone to the bottom of the issue. First, she said she did not have feelings for the lesbian anymore but was only tempted when they met recently. But they only for a once and after a few days she told me that they started having sex. She told me that she was the one who always initiated it. Having sex in the movie houses and car parks seemed to be not her style and she told me that she's very sorry about it and regretted it. She even said that she has already lost respect for herself and wants to forget all of these and move on. She even asked to go back to the country where we migrated. Second, of course is my coldness and being too busy - this one is true for sure.

The SIM card is still a puzzles to me. She might not be into something and I'm planning to catch her. Should I confront her?

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It always scares me when I read about a wayward swapping SIM cards. I don't know why except to say that they're really devoted to the deception.

OP...you gave HER the option to reconcile. That is a mistake because that is YOUR option. She already had hers and you see what she did with it?

As warlock said and I agree - you seem to have taken this too lightly because it was another woman.

You need to get to the bottom of the reason(s) WHY she chose to step outside of your marriage before you can truly begin to reconcile.

The sex of an affair partner matters not. She cheated on you. You are going to still get trickle truth and not get the full version of what really happened.

Besides, she's already gotten you to do most of the heavy lifting by taking blame for her affair.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:02 AM   #10 (permalink)
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To confront or not to confront, that is the question. You need that SIM card and you need to find out what is on it by any means.

As for your coldness...okay...I was a pilot flying all over the world. I wasn't cold, I was just absent. Did that give my wife the green flag to have her affair? No. It shouldn't give your wife the green flag either.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:03 AM   #11 (permalink)
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My wife actually offered that we tell her Mum about this but I refused as I don't want this to become a scandal. Maybe we should?

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Brother...that is called rug sweeping.

I love my wife, too. I still hammered her with questions of why and how, as well as exposing to those who are close to us. Your wife had an AFFAIR. Don't think that another man is not a possiblity in her closet or future if you don't get to the bottom of this pronto.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Telling her mother is simply another person in the corner of the marriage. You need someone else to hold her accountable. It's not about scandal, brother. It's about someone besides you knowing the truth and someone who will actually have your back.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I actually tool the SIM while she was sleeping but there was nothing in it at all. I,m planning to give it a week or so when things are a bit stable and let her believe everything is OK and then start snooping once more. I'm happy you guys are giving another perspective. Thanks a lot.


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To confront or not to confront, that is the question. You need that SIM card and you need to find out what is on it by any means.

As for your coldness...okay...I was a pilot flying all over the world. I wasn't cold, I was just absent. Did that give my wife the green flag to have her affair? No. It shouldn't give your wife the green flag either.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:07 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Shall I let her know when I told that person? Perhaps one of our common friends who will not spread the issue might be a good idea.


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Telling her mother is simply another person in the corner of the marriage. You need someone else to hold her accountable. It's not about scandal, brother. It's about someone besides you knowing the truth and someone who will actually have your back.
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Old 05-15-2013, 08:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Now THAT is a sound plan. Let things "cool" down a bit and wait her out. One thing about people who commit adultery is that if they aren't fully blasted out of LaLa Land, they will find their way back there quickly.
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