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I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out

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#1 ·
I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
 
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#45 ·
Bit of a problem over weekend. Wife managed to get into my social account and noticed messages from me to a close friend who I was sharing plus other messages all about her affair. she noticed one about a guy I know I asked to watch the OM whilst I was away to make sure he did not go to a venue that they both take our boys to for sports. She is aware that I have attempted to contact the OMW. it mentions boundaries re clubing with other her single friend.

Her response was unbelievable

she said that I should not be telling the whole world and she was disgusted and angry with me

I called her she said I was out of order and asked me to list everyone I confided in. I told her as I was reading NMMNG and figured sod it if she knows everything she has nothing more on be.

I said she should not prevent me from sharing with my family and friends. She basically has not been prepared to discuss the issue until my return from working abroad a month in total. I left country D day plus 7.

I said I had the write to speak to people I trust to ensure that I could get over the pain and by her refusing to discuss I had to fill in the blanks.

She picked up on the boundaries and said I cannot force her to not see these people. I said no I cannot she had lived the marriage without boundaries and I need them to be there. she is adamant that she will do what she wants her and has not considered the hurt. I know guys have bought her drinks.

she went off on one about the person I asked to watch them saying that he could tell anyone and I should not be gossiping

To add to this when I said that not of this would have been necessary had she not cheated. She said that she had not cheated as she had not had sex. I reminded her that she had kissed him. she said it was one kiss. I reminded her again that he had told me several. She then said oh they were just pecks. talk about trickle truething. I said I have had to fill in the gaps i,e when she was out at night and having day time meetings and when she decided to take off for two days to get some space.

Basically ended with her saying if I keep telling people the there is no way back.

She then again shifted onto the marriage and saying that was broken before all this. Again I reminded her I have never said we have not had issues and that 50% responsibility lies there but 100% responsibility for her choice to cross the line sits with her and she cannot expect to not have consequences.

Whilst I am chewed up inside. I kept reminding her that this time i am not going to apologies for being strong and taking control if my life. I told her that I have done much soul searching and I am going to be stronger whatever happens. At least for once I did not back down or try to say any of what I said was in anyway untrue. She had taken some of it out of context though but hey she did decide to look at my messages. she seems more worried about what other people think than taking responsibility.

Not sure where to go next. I will be flying home in a week.
 
#56 ·
She picked up on the boundaries and said I cannot force her to not see these people. I said no I cannot she had lived the marriage without boundaries and I need them to be there. she is adamant that she will do what she wants her and has not considered the hurt. I know guys have bought her drinks.
There is all you need to know. You demand boundaries, she doesn't want any. Time to D. NO BOUNDARIES = BEING SINGLE !
 
#46 ·
You need to file to let her know you're serious. Because as far as not being remorseful in the slightest for what she's done, she has absolutely no fear that you're going to do anything anyway. She's outright told you she's going to do whatever she wants with who ever she wants and you better keep your mouth shut about it.

As far as I'm concerned you should expose far and wide while you file, do a 180 on top of that and just go indifferent/dark. If that doesn't bring her back to her senses than you should probably just go through with the divorce.

The spouse who calls the shots is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who appears more willing to walk away from the relationship is the spouse who is in control. The spouse who doesn't come off as co-dependant/needy/bargain is the spouse who is in control. You are none of these things at the moment. It's time for you to change that.

Also don't feel obligated to give her information and explanations about what you've done, plan on doing or not doing when she won't even admit the simple truth to you that she cheated while trickle truthing and gas lighting. YOU don't owe HER explanations after what SHE has done to YOU. It's really that simple.

I liked your last bit at the end standing firm but I think you know that you have a long way to go. Hope it all works out.

And yes read NMMNG but don't talk to her about it. She does not need to know that. The same goes with exposure plans. Keep her in the dark and let her reap what she has sown. Playing hardball will increase your chances of getting your wife back. Not *****footing.
 
#53 ·
I posted earlier:

Look, your wife humiliated you! In your own home by making you a small and pathetic little man, in front of the soccer coach, her OM she’s having an EA/PA with. There’s been intimate chats and the soccer coach admitted several kisses taking place (what else? I think much more, and so do you and everyone reading your story). He knows himself they have committed adultery and I suspect feels slightly ashamed at being dragged out at midnight to your home. Contact the soccer coach’s wife.
Warlock07 post says it ALL! :smthumbup:

The more you want TALK the less she wants to; as she’s done nothing wrong! When you do talk she’ll twist yours words and use them against you. Because she’s still has the BIGGER BALLS in your marriage.

Don’t talk to HER!

Talk to the Soccer Coach’s wife and blow this UP!

Get the Soccer Coach to admit to everything and make sure the VAR is on you.

Get the divorce papers ready.

FTP
 
#54 ·
You ask how to talk to her without explaining yourself.

This is easier than you think.

When she goes on the attack with an accusation or is twisting your words so that you feel defensive, you say, 'Yes, I know you feel that way. I've heard it all before. You need to understand what my requirements are. I will not have a marriage in which my wife behaves the way you behave. Your choice. You can behave like a wife, or we can divorce.'

You keep things short, don't engage in a back-and-forth with her as she attacks you. Consciously stop yourself from reacting to her verbal assault. Stay on message with your demands. Keep repeating the same sentences if you have to until she realizes that you won't take her bait.

And...you really need to blow it up with the OMW.
 
#57 ·
You need to stop arguing about your actions.

Fact: she is having an affair with the soccer coach

Fact: after the first confrontation she was out with him one date and brought him home to tell you not to worry, that he was treating your wife right and you should back down

Fact: she spent two nights away do she could be with him without you stopping her

Fact: she planned,(and likely did), have him over to your home and bed while you are on this trip



She's following the standard cheater script of lies, calling you controlling, saying you are violating her privacy, and telling you to keep silent about the affair.

Right her only fear is that your actions will cause the OM enough grief that he will dump her.

The best ways to cause the OM grief:
1. Exposé to his wife. He'll be watching so make sure you really do contact her and that it doesn't get intercepted.

2. Exposé to the soccer club and parents. Do you think the other fathers are going to want a guy who sleeps with married moms coaching the team and around their wives?

As for the clubbing , staying out all night etc. you can't physically stop her, but you can cut off money for clothes, etc. and you can file for D.
 
#61 ·
She is all pissed off cuz she knows you are right and she knows her behavior is wrong.

So now she will go to her toxic friend and get reassurance that she is in fact right and you are wrong... She will find justification for the bad behavior that will in the end cost her her marriage.

Its sad but she has no concern for the marriage and in her mind the marriage is over.

You have to admit this to your self now!


Its time to let her go and give her a taste of reality. Until she gets this taste she will never second guess her choices or think twice about her decisions.


Lets face it she has it made she has a provider (you) and she a lover (the OM) and to top it all off she has the freedom to pick up strange guys that fill her ego.

She needs to see that you will not control her but you will control what you have to tolerate by letting her go and ask her to leave the martial home.

Granted you are in a tight spot right now but you will be home soon enough and then you can take the step you need to take to emotionally protect your self.

And speaking of emotionally torture, why do you continue to engage her when it is clear that she does not want to communicate with you? STOP CONTACTING HER!!!!!!!!!

Ya I know its hard but again she has to see that you are letting her go...a tactic that will at least get her to second guess what she is about to lose.

Please tell me your not sending home your pay check?

Sir, please tell me you are not financing her party girl life style while you are gone?
 
#63 ·
Its hard work though trying to not get sucked into the argument. I have been better over the last day or so in that when she text again having a go about some I said I replied with a short polite yes I did say that on this day as that was how I feel you acted. Then said I will not justify it and that she can now see the consequences of her actions lived out. I have not had any further responses on the subject.
 
#73 ·
SR125H,

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation.

I think you need to take a very hard line with your WW spouse and her POS here.

Expose them fully, especially POS so he has something else to worry about.

Then lay a clear choice in front of your wife...marriage or the POS.

You can't be afraid of her reaction or losing the M. It's lost right now and you have to fight if you want to recover/save it.

My favorite line from The Outlaw Josey Wales says it best.

"When it looks bad, and your not gonna make it...that's when you got to get mean, plumb mad dog mean..."
 
#75 ·
If you follow the advice here there is a danger that you will gain self-respect, control and have a better life.

Nope just keep doing what you are doing, (at last some advice an op will follow.)
 
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#77 ·
Not good I arrived back from a 26 hour flight. Went for breakfast with my wife. She laid into me about stuff I calmly reminded her that it was an ea and kissing makes it a pa. She told me she did not miss me and that if she does not have the feelings then why should she try again. She admitted having a text affair with another guy sons old coach for 6 months pre this.

I said that if she has any will to not destroy the family then to keep the counseling appointment this week. She is thinking about it. I said if she is nit willing then I will have to let her go knowing I have done my best and now need to concentrate on me.
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#78 ·
Sorry to hear that the situation is no better, maybe worse.

I will just repeat my advice about playing hardball with exposure and filing papers for divorce (you can always stop the process if she comes around).

This is probably the only chance you have to snap her back to reality. She may be too far gone, but it is your only shot.

You can't reach her through begging, crying, or even logical arguments based on your family/life together. She's in the fog.

I hope you can find it in yourself to fight back against this garbage.
 
#79 ·
If she wants to work on the marriage after you do this, then you can demand info on the full extent of her cheating as a requirement for fixing the relationship.

I'd be willing to bet money that it is far worse than what she has admitted to.

Also, I think she doesn't really want a divorce. Why else go to all the trouble of bringing POS to your house in an effort to save herself if she was really wanting to walk.

She just wants to maintain the status quo so she can cake eat.

Her anger and aggressiveness towards you is an attempt to gain control of the situation and get you to back down.
 
#80 ·
At the moment I think she is calling the shots. I have obvious been very upset over the weekend and cried I find myself just looking at her and the pain just cuts me up.

I did assert some things i.e I told her I was going to take daughter for a run then took them to church. in the afternoon i bashed some weeds in the garden. The evening was obviously tense. The fridge was empty has been for a couple of days. Thought she could have least got some shopping in. ended up getting take away and she ate it did not say thank you then spent rest of evening on social sites. Eventually coming to be at almost 1am. She has had the cheek to say she was tired.

When i raise the subject she says my pressuring drives her away.
I have just told her that we are going to the forest for a family picnic. figured if she sees me having fun with kids it may help. She said she will come but only for the kids. Sucks really.

When see facebooks should I just ignore her. I cannot find a key logger for windows 8 phones. any ideas.

we have a joint account and a food account. She seems to expect me to pay her phone, pension and food. she then goes over drawn on the food account. She has a small casual job but due to back issues has not been to work since Feb. was thinking of asking her to pay her own phone billing but at least I get to see the bill as is.

not happy that I am potentially funding her social life. she does the washing, has started to clean the house more at least.

Any tips for getting this 180 thing going and trying to be strong to stick with it. We have counselling midweek and I hope she will go so do not want to drive her off this.

was thinking of drawing up a list of how the divorce may work out in terms of her share and what she gets. might shock her. I think she will struggle with the idea of living on benefits plus 600 a month from me. I have a good wage so I would be ok in that sense but I think she has been used to being looked after. She can't even work out her tax returns.
 
#85 ·
At the moment I think she is calling the shots. I have obvious been very upset over the weekend and cried I find myself just looking at her and the pain just cuts me up.

we have a joint account and a food account. She seems to expect me to pay her phone, pension and food. she then goes over drawn on the food account. She has a small casual job but due to back issues has not been to work since Feb. was thinking of asking her to pay her own phone billing but at least I get to see the bill as is.
The 1st thing you should do Tuesday is get a separate checking account (1) in your name only at (2) a different bank than your current joint account.

Move half of your money over to the new account.

Start depositing your paycheck to the new account.

Only give your wife the bare minimum she needs to buy groceries (or just start buying them yourself and don't give her any money). If she needs more, she can come to you and ask for it.

Hopefully, this will will wake your wife up to reality. She has it pretty cushy right now. Doesn't have to work; works a casual job she could leave at any time. Maybe the thought of having to work full time will be a wake up call for her.

She's obviously taking it for granted that you will be there to support her. You MUST remove that thought from her head for her to wake up from her mental fog.
 
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