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I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out

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#1 ·
I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
 
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#82 ·
You have to emotionally detach yourself.

You feel hurt about her not acknowledging your kind gestures with the meal or wanting to do family activities.

You CANNOT 'nice' her out of this PERIOD!

Only speak to her about kids and absolute necessities and only in an unemotional tone. Ignore her otherwise. Go out and enjoy time with your kids, and don't pout or act hurt that she doesn't want to be involved. Act like you could care less.

Then see a lawyer and drop the hammer on her. FILE!

At the same time you give her the papers, you can give her a list of your demands for any reconciliation attempt: full disclosure of the affair(s) extent immediately, NC forever with these scumbags, full transparency are a MINIMUM.

Tell her if she doesn't meet your demands in any way you will proceed with divorce as you will not be disrespected like this.

At the same time, fully expose both of these POS to their wifes and any mutual friends. Make them scramble to save their own behinds. This accomplishes two things:

First, they will throw your wife under the bus to their spouses to save their own behinds. Being rudely dumped like this combined with your presenting papers will probably snap your wife out of the fog.

Second, while they are scrambling to save themselves they cannot be a support/encouragement to your wife as you lay down your demands.

I think you MUST take these steps if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

Continuing to be weak, emotional and needy WILL DOOM YOU.
 
#83 ·
She doesn't have any respect for herself so it must be hard for her to try and respect you.

Do things with your children that do not involve her.

She wants to do things with you but only for the children?

No! That's untrue!

She wants to do things with the children so she can pretend to be a good mother.
a good mother, is she?

Empty fridge does not = good mother.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#84 ·
SR

Reach over and punch yourself in the nuts!

That is to wake you up because you are in a fog yourself.

Your wife is using you. That is no marriage.

Stop talking to her. Only deal with her regarding the kids.

Without speaking to her do the following:

Lock up your finances.
See an attorney and file for Divorce.
Go see the OMW and let her know what the two of them have been up to.

Then let your wife be served.

If she does nothing then you have your answer.

If she shapes up and starts acting like a wife and mother then tell her she has up until the D is final to make amends.

Act!

And act tough. No false bravado will work for you because she knows you too well.

Just Do It!

HM64
 
#87 ·
She does not call all the shots. You have a lot of effective tools her but you aren't using them. Right now you are limiting yourself to hoping she will change on her own why no outside motivation.

Your wife is acting defiantly and distant because she believes that eventually her and the OM will reconnect. They may in fact already be reconnecting.

You need to expose to the other mans wife. This will cause serious repercussions for him, and very hopefully have him throw her under the bus. You may in fact get info you don't already have, that she possesses.

Do no threaten to do this or warn your wife you are doing this. Just do it, and remain silent about it. If she finds out ASAP you'll know he contacted her, and you'll hopefully see how.
 
#92 · (Edited)
She's 100% correct, if she has no feelings it is over. Funny how SHE can file the paperwork, but is throwing it all in your lap. IMO she is daring you to do something because you've let her do whatever for who knows how long.

Time to set yourself up for Divorce. Notice, I didn't say leave. You need to get a really good lawyer, one that is versed in Male custody battles, get your kids, get a divorce and then move on.

The reason I say this is she has a history with coaches of your kids team. That crap is mentally abusive for a child. You get a good lawyer and custody will be ugly for her. Obviously, check with a lawyer because every situation is different.


My friend received primary custody because his wife was having an affair with coach/teacher. The lawyer pointed out how the kid could suffer from bullying from kids and parents due to favoritism. That the child picked up on the problems and was torn between telling the father and being loyal to his mom. We were all shocked when he received primary custody.
 
#93 ·
Why would she respect you? You don't respect yourself. Please tell us you have not been crying in front of her. If you have you have absolutely no idea how women think. Instead of feeling sorry for you, you are making her sick of looking at you.

This is an emergency, read MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER now.

You can download it at the link in my signature. The info is there that you need to deal with a woman.
 
#94 ·
Went on our family picnic. I had fun with the kids and she sat in the car whilst we played outside. When kids were on there bikes we spoke briefly she said nothing had changed and she said again that the reason for her affair was because I was not emotionally supporting her. she said I was boring and that as she is 33 and I am 40 that she had changed and wants different things.

she asked me again if I was going to sleep in spare room. I said no and that she was free to do so if she wants. I said I am staying put.

She has gone out tonight for a drive to clear her head. not seen her yet. going to bed.

She seemed to react when I asked what she was making for dinner saying she would cook for kids but not us. I think she needs to understand that I bring the pay check home and she needs to contribute her part.
 
#96 ·
Went on our family picnic. I had fun with the kids and she sat in the car whilst we played outside. When kids were on there bikes we spoke briefly she said nothing had changed and she said again that the reason for her affair was because I was not emotionally supporting her. she said I was boring and that as she is 33 and I am 40 that she had changed and wants different things.

she asked me again if I was going to sleep in spare room. I said no and that she was free to do so if she wants. I said I am staying put.
Why have you not filed? This is ridiculous. She sat in the car? I hope you are documenting this garbage.
 
#97 ·
I am sorry but you would have to be masochistic to remain in this marriage. Why should she respect a husband who is willing to endure any and all times of humiliation and disrespect that she hurls at you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
 
#101 · (Edited)
She came on the family picnic for the kids!

But she sat in the car?!!!!!

This woman has no respect for you. Please, please, start following the advice here. To the letter.

And if she refuses to cook, buy only food for you and the kids. You cook, for just you and the kids. Separate all yours and hers in all else that matters...let her pay her way....phone, bills, all of it! Oh, and whose computer is it? And who is paying for the internet? Remove that from her too. And don't give anything back til she makes her decision as to work on the marriage or not. And don't give anything back easily! At least a month of good results from her before she gets a bean from you.
 
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#104 ·
I know it is getting harsh, but let's be real. How did you ENABLE her to let a guy between her legs, EVEN if you were neglectful, distant, emotionally unavailable and mean?

That is when you leave, you do not cheat. You talk about the problems, you do not cheat. You communicate with your husband, not another man or woman.
 
#106 ·
Stop engaging with her and follow the advice you have been given on these boards.

FILE, EXPOSE completely, ISSUE DEMANDS FOR ANY CHANCE OF RECONCILIATION, and then ONLY SPEAK TO HER CONCERNING KIDS, HOUSEHOLD NECESSITIES, AND DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS.

Id she doesn't want to be part of the marriage, show her what its like.
 
#108 ·
I am pretty certain she met up with her toxic friend instead last night.

It is hard to read the message her and the reality hits home that I have allowed myself to be the Mr Nice Guy. I have downloaded the books an am reading quickly. Hard to accept it does kick you to realise that this is how I have been for 13 plus years. I held her on a pedistal and allowed her to control. me

Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.

This morning I got up nice and early and went to the Gym did not even say goodbye or offer the cup of tea that I used to always do.

Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.
 
#109 ·
I am pretty certain she met up with her toxic friend instead last night.

and you did what? Nothing right?

It is hard to read the message her and the reality hits home that I have allowed myself to be the Mr Nice Guy. I have downloaded the books an am reading quickly. Hard to accept it does kick you to realise that this is how I have been for 13 plus years. I held her on a pedistal and allowed her to control. me

That's right your "Mr Nice Guy" and she knows it! How about being "No More Mr Nice Guy"

Yesterday she had a go at me as I decided to put my son in for the county trials to basically give him a different focus. She said I should of consulted with her. She then said that I make all the decisions. I thought to myself. I only make decisions that you allow me to as I am that mr Nice Guy. she said that our son is not in the right frame of mind at the moment of the trials as he sensing whats going on to which I simply replied that she should have thought about that before she cheated and walked away.:smthumbup:

FIGHTING WORDS! MORE, MORE, MORE!

This morning I got up nice and early and went to the Gym did not even say goodbye or offer the cup of tea that I used to always do.

Today I am going to start to focus on me and the kids. I am going camping with the kids and our friends at the weekend. She said she would not come if I did not want her to. I have not decided yet. Was half thinking that if she saw me having fun and ignoring her then she might start to respond or I could say no stay away and again she will probably be pissed off that I am spending time with her our joint friends. Then she could equally spend the weekend with her OM whilst I am away. emm decisions.

That's tough one to answer! Okay, she's been spending time with her OM in front of you and you did nothing. But given how she treats you, say to her something like:

"It's a family camping trip, you can come if you really want to, it's your choice."

THEN WAKE AWAY!
I have never seen so many posts backing YOU and telling you what to do. Your wife WANTS TO BE SINGLE AGAIN! LET HER! She'll wake up one day and realise exactly what she has thrown away. By then of course, you'll be happily remarried and your kids will have another mum.
 
#116 ·
Avoiding conflict...in agreement!

Equating witnessing of rape to that, or even that cheating on your wife is like rape....no! Totally disagree. I see where you are coming from in the emotional violation, but the comparibility is not equal or even near equal.
 
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