Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out

82K views 275 replies 54 participants last post by  the guy 
#1 ·
I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
 
See less See more
#119 ·
Thanks I am not offended by what you are saying better to face truths than live in denial.

btw one thing that seems a bit strange we had pre booked our marriage counselling which is tomorrow on the one hand she is saying that she is convince its over that she has tried on the other she is going along to the session. pretty much said that she would say what she thinks and see what happens but don't expect anything. I expect she is going along to real off the guilt trip stuff that she ranted on at me about on my return from abroad. How does the 180 operate in a situation like this. regardless whether our marriage is over in a sense she needs to deal with her issues.

I spoke to our company counsilling service today for me. They have got me onto legal advisor. They also listened to whole situation and they reckon she is not acting a marriage she is being childish and acting as single. They said I need to be assertive and treat her respectfully but not play to her game. They encouraged me to try and keep her in councelling for the kids sake even if this is to ensure when marraige ends that some communications can be improved so that I do not get issues with kids. They said she is having a parraLlel process living out her mums affair which followed by divorce then her dad dying couple of years later. She has had a hard times but it does not justify her child like behaviour. They said she needs to feel the pain of having to pay her way.
 
#120 ·
Exposé already.

I think you've held off because you we're afraid of making her angry.

Her actions scream the affair is back active. I'm guessing she cooled it off initially but once you didn't D and didn't expose, they decided it was safe to continue.

Exposé the OM. It's your very best tool at disrupting the affair,
 
#121 ·
Stop worrying about her. No I mean really. She's a big girl.

Worry about #1, you and the kids.

I've been where you are, and worried about the kind of mother my kids had, and how she has issues. It faded away, at least for me.

Don't worry about her. Dont think on her motives, desires, anything.

She is not the leading character in your life. She is supporting cast. Who cares what's going on in her brain? Why should it matter to you?

Go out, have fun, live life, spend time with your kids. You, like me, sacrificed yourself for a family for more than a decade. Don't just be alive, LIVE. Do what you like.

This person is not worth analyzing.

We should be reading about how you're rebuilding you life. How you've reconnected with old friends, started having fun, doing what YOU want.

You want to make happy posts as much as we want to read them. The only way for that to happen is for you to put you first for a time. You have got to find your balls.

Have you had testosterone levels checked?

Man please, Im begging you. You're just like me, and trust me the grass on the other side is greener. You will one day realize you've been a fool for chasing after bad money.

You are meant for more than this.
 
#127 ·
Absolutely agree...in the counselling, do not waffle, don't get sucked into justfying. Think about what your focus is and stick.to it. Don't let her divert with petty issues or issues that take away from true real point. If she is/was unhappy, why didn't she fix it? If she is unhappy, why hasn't she left already?

I would bring the focus on setting a time frame and plan for her to move out if I were you. Let her say her piece and respond with (if it is the complaints you expect to hear) 'I realise you are unhappy with me and I realise you don't wish to work on the issues. Let's discuss what comes next...when are you moving out?'

That should bamboozle her!

And yet you will be giving her all she wants it seems!
 
#128 ·
I wrote my reply before reading yours.

Don't tell her she is not considering things fully! This is undermining her decision and her big girl pants. You will not get her to see she is not considering fully by telling her so.

Give her what she wants. And if giving her what she wants means she threatens you with a messy divorce just because she can't have the marital bed to herself...the MARITAL BED, the marriage that she wants out of FFS, then bring that to the counsellor tomorrow! See what they make of that.

Give your wife what she wants. And NOT what she thinks she deserves.
 
#130 ·
The next time she says her back is hurting will you please say this:

"It amazes me how even though you are in such pain you are not hurting enough to shut your mouth nor your legs!"

Then walk away.

Get your lawyer in line.

And go find a nice woman that will love your kids as well as you.

Oh and make sure she has a strong back......

HM64
 
#133 ·
And go find a nice woman that will love your kids as well as you.
Absolutely. I think by now SR you realize that being the catering nice guy don't get you a lot of mileage with the women. If it worked, your old lady would be drawing your bath water and rubbing your feet instead of being a toxic cheating harpy.
At the meeting tomorrow, think, "why should I keep living in this hell and putting up with this crap just to say married to this hellcat?"
 
#132 ·
From here on out consider these two ideas before you act;

1. Will I be harming my children?
2. Will I be lowering my self-respect?

If the answer to both is "no" then do it. IF either is a "yes" think it over carefully.

And remember - you can't stay in your marriage solely for the kids. They will not benefit in their outlook if they see you being submissive and treated poorly. They will learn either that they should stand up (respectfully) for themselves or they will learn to cower.

Teach them to stand up straight.
 
#144 ·
Yes can get someone to do that

Just had her have a go at me as apparently my dad did not say hello to her when she dropped kids off tonight.
We had met at her mums birthday and said to me I am not alright your dad etc then silence. I shrugged my shoulders as I felt she was not sharing her feels she was wanting me to feel somehow responsible.

This has been her issue she could have said I felt up set when your dad ignored her. Then she owns her feelings.

Just went to bed and she had a go at me for being off. I said I understand your upset what are you expecting to happen?

She walked off with blanket and is downstairs
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#149 ·
Just got back from weekend camping with kids and our mutual friends. CW popped over for an hour but I think found it a little frosty.

Arrived home as how her friends christening was and she mentioned she had told them that she had separated from me. I simply replied that I was angry with her that she was destroying a lovely family. She has gone to her sisters for dinner and left us to sort ourselves out.

Kinda thinking now that despite the fact I love her. I really not sure I want to spend the next few years trying to repair her broken self centred mind. In fact if I do I will be knocking on into mid forties and it might be harder to move on.

Was thinking of sitting her down this week and showing her the financial reality of her actions. Then to tell the kids which they will be devastated.

Off to bank tomorrow to freeze joint accounts.

Looks like I get a pretty raw deal from this though as she only works casual and will likely make claims on our assets due to her back. Anyway at the end of the day I have started to realise also that material things are not important.

I am going to find it hard to fall out of love with her despite the pain and anger inside.
 
#152 ·
Your emotions are understandable. The inertia of 13 yrs is weighing on you. The uncertainty a future without her is also a reason for inaction. However, her guile, selfishness, vindictiveness, and deviousness will move you to action.

You seem to be headed that way. There is no dance you can do to rectify this mess. It's all on her.

When you've divested yourself of this creature you will feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Go 180 and stick to it. It's the best you can do.
 
#155 ·
Yep they all know I busted it right open which she did not like. showed her sister the messages and our mutual friends. She is spending her time with the two friends one that is on her second divorce and the other is thinking of leaving her guy. seems this is the place she gets her support.
 
#154 ·
I wouldn't bother going through the financial implications for her. You don't want her staying or becoming uncertain just for that. Let her work through that on her own. It will all be part of the shock and awe you need when reality finally hits her. Don't cushion her reality and TT it to her. Let it hit her like a freight train.
 
#173 ·
Keep it up. The 180 is for you. Get yourself centered on you. While you center yourself, she has no role in YOUR life. Discuss only critical issues of the kids welfare and legal issues.

Yes, keep it up.
 
#174 ·
So what info did OM2 spill on your WW and OM1 in a pathetic effort to save his own behind?

He was definitely trying to win you over with truth about your wife so you will view him as a friend and stop trying to expose him to his wife.

The POS probably intercepted the letter and is desperately trying to prevent further attempts by you.

I would not believe a word he says about his own relationship with your WW, but he can probably give you lots of info on POS 1. Your wife probably shared a lot of details with him while painting her woe is me, H is a jerk sob story.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top