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I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out

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#1 ·
I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
 
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#175 ·
If you can get info from him about OM1 and then use it to confront WW, AND let her know that OM2 is the source of this and says there was really nothing between them but friendship (sneaky I know), your wife might become enraged and throw OM2 under the bus to you in her anger.

I've seen people do this almost without thinking when they think one of their co conspirators in some shady situation are trying to put all the blame on them and assume an air of innocence.

Think something similar happened on Wolfgar's (?) thread, where he used OM statements to OMW about his wife to get her to admit everything in a rage where she in turn threw OM under the bus with the entire truth because of her hurt feelings/anger.
 
#177 ·
By no means should you allow her to stay in the home with you paying 1/2 the mortgage. Not at all!

She could be in arrears in no time and the banks would come after you. If she wants she can pay you 1/2 the equity and have the loan transferred to her name only (as if!).

Don't engage in any small talk. Kids and divorce convos only. No crying, looking sad, being melancholy, etc. exude confidence.
 
#182 ·
Sad man but she has chosen him over you. Time to protect yourself here are some measures.

1. Have VAR on you at all times so she can't pull any harassment complaints.

2. Go to the OM house and tell his wife this way he cannot divert you.

3. Expose the toxic friends affairs to their SO's. Use the VAR recording if needed.

4. Go deep and dark. NO cuddling. NO hugs. NO kissing. NO sex. NO I love you. Just tell her you only want to talk about the kids, finances or divorce. The darker you go the better you will feel.

5 Start splitting the finances so that she cannot use YOUR money to finance the affair.

6. Cancel cell phone.


Sorry this happened and sorry you are here. We are all here for you and the more you post the more we can help you get through this also you can always come on here and vent. Good luck
 
#184 ·
Blow up her toxic friends affairs by exposing to their spouses.

If they want to play a part in destroying your family, return the favor.

And make sure you keep trying on POSOM BW. I would bet that him splitting is a story he's feeding your WW in their clandestine meetings.

If he's really splitting, why is he trying so hard to block any attempts for you to reach his W by phone? Why did he try so hard to convince you it was just an EA?

And tell your wife that if this POS EVER thinks you will tolerate your kids being led to call him daddy, he has another thing coming.

This guy needs to be pummeled bad. Wreck his entire life in any way possible.
 
#188 ·
He doesn't want to be called "dad" yet because he never intends to BE dad in any way. He'll drop her when he's done with her.

Your best bet is to get them together asap to reduce your financial obligation.

Tell your lawyer that "you've heard from reliable sources" that your wife may try to set you up with a bogus charge to get you out of your own home. - don't reveal the VAR

And do keep a VAR on your person for protection. In fact, you could let her see you use it whenever she speaks. It'll put her on notice that you're no fool.
 
#190 ·
yes I am working on how to expose without drawing to many problems in the divorce aspect. My solicitor is insistant that I stay put in the house and we will demonstrate to her that the house must be sold. She will not like this as it does not fit in there plans to intimidate me to move out and for me to pay half the mortgage. This may force her hand as they either have to make the relationship public or accept that the house will go and they have to start again on their own. In which case I would likely offer spousal maintenance now to save the equity impact knowing that this will be invalid as soon as he lives with her for 6 months.

In some ways Although I am filing I feel back in control. I am already looking forward to being single and having some space to do my own thing. I am now using the term ex wife. legally we are married but she no longer acts as a wife.
 
#193 ·
Get ducks in a row, make sure everything is airtight with regards to you moving forward with your life, when she's got the papers, expose the heck out of her, then detach.

Control is a very important word, because once your wife's pretty world where everything is going her way starts to collapse, she'll try to exert control of the situation again, and it starts with the person she knows best...you.
 
#194 ·
Its definatly getting wierd by the second tonight she was encouraging me to go out for evening I went out with mate to play pool at home before I left she gets upset that I am spending all my time with kids and she is not getting a look in. Then says she had a letter from my solicitor and wanted to know why u am acting so quickly to divorce. Then whilst I am out she text me saying shall I leave the outside light on... What could that mean. I replied saying not sure and I can see in dark... Bizzare. Then I get a message saying hope your having good time... I ignored it... Really strange
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#197 ·
Your attitude of being ready to start dating etc. is sinking in. She's jealous. Asking about the light is wanting to know if you planned to come home.

Maybe she wanted some company and did not want you there.

Maybe she had to know if you were going to stay with a woman.

Maybe she is trying to set you up.

Do not trust or believe a cheater.

Here is the process to divorce mentally. The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck

Do not forget to work out, at a gym is best. Weight lifting is like a magic elixir, works and anesthisizes (sp) the body and mind.

To see if its jealousy, stop by a store and and squirt a sample of women's cologne on your shirt. Maybe your mom or sister could put a lipstick imprint on your collar. Of course it would be great if you could get a sales girl to do it, the lipstick thing I mean.
 
#199 ·
Your attitude of being ready to start dating etc. is sinking in. She's jealous. Asking about the light is wanting to know if you planned to come home.

Maybe she wanted some company and did not want you there.

Maybe she had to know if you were going to stay with a woman.

Maybe she is trying to set you up.

Do not trust or believe a cheater.


Here is the process to divorce mentally. The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck

Do not forget to work out, at a gym is best. Weight lifting is like a magic elixir, works and anesthisizes (sp) the body and mind.

To see if its jealousy, stop by a store and and squirt a sample of women's cologne on your shirt. Maybe your mom or sister could put a lipstick imprint on your collar. Of course it would be great if you could get a sales girl to do it, the lipstick thing I mean.

Great post, but this is worth repeating:

Maybe she is trying to set you up.

Do not trust or believe a cheater.
 
#201 ·
I work at a gym so sorted on that. I have been going most days

She is not liking the extra attention I am giving the kids she commented that I seem to have the fun with them now..
I ignored her and then took kids out kayaking and then to a BBQ.
The second letter from the solicitor arrived today whilst I was out with kids she phoned me to say goodnight to kids as she was going to sisters. She sounded down.kids told her what a great time they had.

She also thinks I am moving to fast with divorce. I just said I am ready and giving her what she wants.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#203 ·
She's wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. Now you're taking away her cake and this is disorienting to her. Others have mentioned control & this is extremely important, especially to women.

A survey of many thousands of women a few years ago asked what one thing bothered them most in their daily lives. The number one answer was 'Feeling like I am not in control.'

So, stay confident, strong and decisive about your own life. Keep control of your life firmly out of her hands. Not only will it drive her nuts, but it is much better for you in general.
 
#204 ·
Another tough day. Its fathers day in the UK. Took kids to church. Got home soon to be ex wife was grumpy and had a go at me for not telling her that I was filing and that she thought I want to be amicable. I replied I want it to be amicable so I am giving her want she wants. She then said I had a conflict of interest going with a solicitor that I knew as a friend. I replied its her partner and I can choose who I like.

Afternoon was better I went to mates for a while and played with his engine from an old VW camper. She is rumpy tonight as she wants to go and be with her dad that passed away and she said get in before dark so she could its still an hour to dark and apparently I should have been home earlier.. Grrrr....

I do not think she likes me making all these decisions its as if she wants to be part of everything or be in control.
 
#206 ·
Another tough day. Its fathers day in the UK. Took kids to church. Got home soon to be ex wife was grumpy and had a go at me for not telling her that I was filing and that she thought I want to be amicable. I replied I want it to be amicable so I am giving her want she wants. She then said I had a conflict of interest going with a solicitor that I knew as a friend. I replied its her partner and I can choose who I like.

(FTP: This is EXACTLY what I do! The best way to control a situation is to use your opponents own words against them. You shut them down instantly! Good Job!

Afternoon was better I went to mates for a while and played with his engine from an old VW camper. She is rumpy tonight as she wants to go and be with her dad that passed away and she said get in before dark so she could its still an hour to dark and apparently I should have been home earlier.. Grrrr....

(FTP: Sorry about your FIL passing away! But the rest, she's trying to control you.)

I do not think she likes me making all these decisions its as if she wants to be part of everything or be in control.

(FTP: Do you really care about that? She's seeing for the first TIME you have a BRAIN, a MOUTH, and a HEART and when put together you become a independent, strong MAN, a HUSBAND (ex soon), and FATHER, and she can't handle.)
Keep going....:smthumbup:
 
#207 ·
Just managed to get a recording with OM saying that his wife does not know we are having sex etc and he needs to keep her happy so she eventually is ok with the relationship. Clearly my letter was intercepted. my sister has tried to call tonight and no answer. I just called and he answered. I think OMW maybe away. Hoping to get over there tomorrow.

I have a group of friends all now looking out for an opportunity to bust this right open. My soon to be ex wife is house sitting tonight for her sister and no doubt enjoying her night.

I have heard a load of talk that they want to get the house valued low so that the equity is small and she can buy me out then take some of the pension. Then do house up and sell. He is telling her to discourage me from tidying up the house. I have as a result decided to organise a house tidy party for all my freinds in a couple of weeks once I have returned from a short holiday. We will drink beer and sort the garden out and then get the house valued. She will not be happy
 
#252 ·
Holy fckn jebus shttballs, are they even mammals, or some kinda cold blooded reptiles, that is some cold planning going on behind your back, and all the time she is looking you square in the eyes....

I can never trust a woman again....
 
#209 ·
Just managed to get a recording with OM saying that his wife does not know we are having sex etc and he needs to keep her happy so she eventually is ok with the relationship. Clearly my letter was intercepted. my sister has tried to call tonight and no answer. I just called and he answered. I think OMW maybe away. Hoping to get over there tomorrow.
The OM will do everything to prevent you from contacting his wife! Try talking to the neighbours about when she's in, you never know they may just give you enough info, for you to act.

I have a group of friends all now looking out for an opportunity to bust this right open. My soon to be ex wife is house sitting tonight for her sister and no doubt enjoying her night.
You have friends in the SAS? Oh man "Who Dares Wins"....:D:)

I have heard a load of talk that they want to get the house valued low so that the equity is small and she can buy me out then take some of the pension. Then do house up and sell. He is telling her to discourage me from tidying up the house. I have as a result decided to organise a house tidy party for all my freinds in a couple of weeks once I have returned from a short holiday. We will drink beer and sort the garden out and then get the house valued. She will not be happy
Yep! They both want the house and the money! That's ALL the affair is about! Fix it up and sell it fast!

Here, own these sage words:
Success is not final, failure is not fatal! It is the courage to continue that counts - Winston Churchill
"keep calm and carry on"
 
#211 ·
The OM will do everything to prevent you from contacting his wife! Try talking to the neighbours about when she's in, you never know they may just give you enough info, for you to act.



You have friends in the SAS? Oh man "Who Dares Wins"....:D:)

Not quite SAS but they are angry mutual friends of me and my CW and they are raging at what she and the OM is doing to our family. They are shutting her off from freindship and are making trips to check if OMW is home



Yep! They both want the house and the money! That's ALL the affair is about! Fix it up and sell it fast!

Here, own these sage words:


"keep calm and carry on"
 
#219 · (Edited)
Tonight Our plan to out them big time and visit his wife came to an abrupt end. They were due to go out on an evening boat party. We had arranged folk to watch them get on board take pictures and whilst they were out to drive to wife and tell her. Problem was CW got on board without him but with other toxic girls and there lovers. Think maybe he was tired from the previous nights adventures. Back to the VAR for a day or two. I am away for a few days after that. We will get to his wife somehow.
 
#223 ·
Tonight Our plan to out them big time and visit his wife came to an abrupt end. They were due to go out on an evening boat party. We had arranged folk to watch them get on board take pictures and whilst they were out to drive to wife and tell her. Problem was CW got on board without him but with other toxic girls and there lovers. Think maybe he was tired from the previous nights adventures. Back to the VAR for a day or two. I am away for a few days after that. We will get to his wife somehow.
A boat party for cheaters, liars, and toxic friends; was the name of the boat, by any chance called the RMS Titanic? nudge, nudge, ;), ;) get it..:D

Keep going, you're doing great!
 
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