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I was cheated on but how do I know she wants it to work out

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#1 ·
I am 13 years married with two kids. We have had our ups and downs and in particular very big downs with my wife having a major back op and us caring for terminally ill dad. I know we have had some challenges in our relationship but seemingly it is often that it comes over that I am not listening or nagging me to do practical stuff. I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.

The bomb shell his last month after 3 months of really trying support my wife through her operation I was just getting no response and infact she was pretty much giving absent from the relationship.

I broke down one night through the pressure of everything as I had been looking after her and the kids and holding down a job. In fact two jobs. She said she loved me but did not feel in love. I argued that this feeling is not going to be as strong and love is very much a doing word. I tried to convince her to go to counselling and she reluctantly did. Along side this she was late coming to bed I thought she could not sleep due to the back. Then when she was well enough she started going out late to 3am with friends. Then there was the new lingerie and the phone constant usage and high bill. Anyway I discovered in the end she was having very intimate chats with my sons soccer coach who I had considered a friend. I confronted her and she stormed out then return with the coach midnight trying to explain it was all silliness. He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down. I should add the week after she told me this she went away for two nights to get some space apparently alone.

I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.

She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair

she wants me to allow my son to play for this team still and blames me for saying I need this guy to be shut out of our family. I rationalise that my son will find new friends in time and a stabe family is more important.

She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.

She says she is trying yet thinks she has not got the feeling and that she needs this to progress. she then does not want to talk about anything until the councilling yet when we are there she cannot think of things that she think can be worked on.

It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
 
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#2 ·
She is not taking responsibility and is trying to shift blame for her decisions onto you. Until she stops doing this and starts showing some real remorse she is not ready to reconcile. That is not to say that she will not get there, but she is not there yet. And it certainly won't happen whilst the coach is in the picture.

Presumably you have a lot of leverage with the coach - he could lose his reputation if not his job if he is known to have had an inappropriate relationship with a mother. Use this leverage. I don't think that he would have come to your house if he wasn't concerned about the consequences.
 
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#4 ·
God it's depressing

Welcome my friend to this bastard club.

You will sadly find everything on this site to help you deal with this
I'd suggest have a good look at various links 'the 180' technology threads to help you nail down what's been going on. Read up on trickle truthing gaslighting rugsweeping dday etc as you will need to understand what all of this means to help you deal with what's coming.

Christ I've said this so often to people on here I feel like I'm prepping an army for a small war !!

Sadly I s'pose that is the truth of it - it is in fact a 'war' of sorts :(
 
#5 ·
Expose the affair. As long as it is kept in the dark she will continue to Blame Shift.

Do the 180

She needs to write the NC letter.

Seperate your finances to protect yourself.

Get a VAR and keep it with you and make sure it is on when you talk to her.

Put a VAR in her car.

Yes, as HEADSPIN stated you are at War.
 
#7 ·
It is all similar. People behave in very similar ways. That means that the experience here can help you if you use it.

You should expose to the OMW right away. Really, do it yesterday.

The 180 helps to make you strong enough to handle things in a more confident way:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck! Remember above all else at this stage that she will lie about everything. If you get any information from her it will be a complete lie or bits and pieces of the truth. As you said, it's all similar & she will be no different.

So sorry that this happened to you.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for info I return from abroad in a few days. I do not know what her thinking will be. Currently our phone calls are difficult she seems to not want to openly talk and then snaps at me over things like when her skype does not work she shouts at me down the phone as if I was somehow responsible for her incompetence.

I exposed her to her mum, sister, my sister, my mum and dad and our closest friends.

I do not have the mobile of the OM wife but I know the landline and know the address etc. I was thinking of leaving her a note to contact my work phone. or just trying to call her during the day. He tends to work hours to his pleasure hence why he managed to take advantage of the situation.

I was thinking on the lines just being brave and saying.

Even though I am away abroad I can still she she is facebook which mean online around midnight she then complains when she is in hurry in the morning. I am thinking on the lines of some boundaries that think are not unreasonable

1) no contact with this guy.
2) share all her passwords - at least the ones I know about
3) We both go to bed at same time and gadgets stay off.
4) We only go out past midnight when together.
5) Not so happy as she has made a friend who is divorcing for second time and she is now spending loads of time with her. I have told her this is not compatible with a marriage. Ignored.


Other things that have been in the mix
1) I always say I love you and I sort of get I love you back. should I stop doing this and see if she says this first.

2) our councillor asked us both three days after i exposed her out 10 how much do you want the marriage to work. She said 6.
Twice now I have said that is not good enough. I recognise that it takes time to heal a marriage after this but for me she needs to want this 100% I even said she has until I come back from abroad and if no progress then I would consider divorce and I would want full access to kids. She thinks I am black mailing her to which I replied I am giving her choices and I not wait for long for her to make a choice to save the marriage. I have said I am willing and I know that the marriage was a good one and one worth saving but not at the cost of my dignity.
 
#15 ·
Thanks for info I return from abroad in a few days. I do not know what her thinking will be. Currently our phone calls are difficult she seems to not want to openly talk and then snaps at me over things like when her skype does not work she shouts at me down the phone as if I was somehow responsible for her incompetence.

I exposed her to her mum, sister, my sister, my mum and dad and our closest friends.

I do not have the mobile of the OM wife but I know the landline and know the address etc. I was thinking of leaving her a note to contact my work phone. or just trying to call her during the day. He tends to work hours to his pleasure hence why he managed to take advantage of the situation.

I was thinking on the lines just being brave and saying.

Even though I am away abroad I can still she she is facebook which mean online around midnight she then complains when she is in hurry in the morning. I am thinking on the lines of some boundaries that think are not unreasonable

1) no contact with this guy.
2) share all her passwords - at least the ones I know about
3) We both go to bed at same time and gadgets stay off.
4) We only go out past midnight when together.
5) Not so happy as she has made a friend who is divorcing for second time and she is now spending loads of time with her. I have told her this is not compatible with a marriage. Ignored.


Other things that have been in the mix
1) I always say I love you and I sort of get I love you back. should I stop doing this and see if she says this first.

2) our councillor asked us both three days after i exposed her out 10 how much do you want the marriage to work. She said 6.
Just check out this new thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/75346-my-marriage-went-down-drain-6-hours.html and find out what can happen when OM wife is told !!
 
#11 ·
I think you know, unless she is committed to saving the marriage 100% this R will not work. She is in the FOG and doing the Woe is Me thing trying to manipulate you. Do not let it happen because it will be 10 times worse for you and your children if you let her manipuate you.

Prepare yourself.

Per your posts; As of right now she is not willing to do the work to heal the marriage and if it is all left up to you and/or she gives a half hearted attempt it will not work.

Last Point, Do not let your children play soccer on the POS team
 
#13 ·
She's reluctant to admit to an affair.

Hmmm...so kissing is!?!!

Oh, that's right. Not JUST kissing. Kissing is stuff that kids in grade school do. Adults don't just kiss. So, make sure you're totally in line with that thinking first and foremost.

Next, you really need to read the 180 link. It is vital for someone in your position right now. She might be your wife and you might love her and all that fun stuff - but she's the enemy at this point.

And the OM coming to your house to play it down? Nothing is more disrespectful than that - AND your wife went to get him to bring him there, all the while they came up with their spin story to you. Absolutely atrocious behavior!!

She needs BIG consequences. She needs them pronto.
 
#14 ·
Hello SR125H,

Your wife has some BALLS to leave you after initial confrontation and returning at midnight with her OM (Soccer coach) then ganging up on you, making you the guilty party in all this. Your wife just HUMILIATED YOU in your OWN HOME, where your OWN KIDS are asleep in front of her OM (Soccer Coach). Excuse ME! You have the REAL BALLS in this Marriage! NOT HER!

“He admitted kissing her on several occasions and it was clear that they were trying to play it down.”
This is called a PA (She’s cheating on you behind your back and now in front you!!!!!!!!) MAN-UP!

“I was due to travel a week later for a months work abroad and some of the messages suggested that they should get together whilst I was away. He is married.”
Right! Contact the Soccer Coach’s wife and inform her on everything that’s been going on. She has a RIGHT TO KNOW! Blow this UP!

Contact the school I’m sure the Soccer Coach has broken some rules here, which ones I don’t know, but contact the HR department/Headmaster/Headmistress and update them on what their favourite Soccer Coach is “playing away” with a married woman whose children are under his supervision.

“She said she wants us to sort things out but seems pretty reluctant to admit it was an affair”
Simple! Gather all the information you have about the EA/PA and get a VAR and carry it on you at ALL times when talking to your wife and Soccer Coach, get them to reconfirm everything again. Now you have written and verbal proof of an EA/PA between them. Before you go to work, leave the Divorce papers (unsigned) on the table, as soon as your wife sees it, she’ll know you mean business. If she can’t OR won’t admit to the affair then sign the papers and give it her and leave it at that. Watch her reaction.

“She says I am to blame as she feels this way. I say that I am 0% to blame for her chosing this path and 50% responsible for the marriage issues.”
What a load of Bollocks! Your wife has them and she’s blaming you for everything. But, your last sentence shows you are seeing the light – keeping thinking, talking and writing like that, she’ll soon get the message loud and clear:smthumbup:.

Here’s something for you to think about. When you confronted her, she left the house and went to the Soccer Coach and dragged him back to your place at midnight.

1. How did she know where he was that evening?
2. How long was she gone from the time she left and returned with her Soccer Coach? (Trying to match up their stories?)

Read the first paragraph on the top again!
LOOK, YOUR WIFE HUMILIATED YOU! IN YOUR OWN HOME BY MAKING YOU A SMALL AND PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IN FRONT OF THE SOCCER COACH, HER OM SHE’S HAVING AN EA/PA WITH. THERE’S BEEN INTIMATE CHATS AND THE SOCCER COACH ADMITTED SEVERAL KISSES TAKING PLACE (WHAT ELSE? I THINK MUCH MORE, AND SO DO YOU AND EVERYONE READING YOUR STORY). HE KNOWS HIMSELF THEY HAVE COMMITTED ADULTERY AND I SUSPECT FEELS SLIGHTLY ASHAMED AT BEING DRAGGED OUT AT MIDNIGHT TO YOUR HOME. CONTACT THE SOCCER COACH’S WIFE.

Sorry it hurts, but it needed saying!

“I go into by cave when under lots of pressure. I know I need to improve.”
You will only see your real strength when you are at your weakest. MAN-UP!​

Regards, FTP :)
 
#19 ·
Hello SR125H,

Your wife has some BALLS to leave you after initial confrontation and returning at midnight with her OM (Soccer coach) then ganging up on you, making you the guilty party in all this. Your wife just HUMILIATED YOU in your OWN HOME, where your OWN KIDS are asleep in front of her OM (Soccer Coach). Excuse ME! You have the REAL BALLS in this Marriage! NOT HER!


He admitted kissing her to you And she is still your wife..........:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

This is called a PA (She’s cheating on you behind your back and now in front you!!!!!!!!) MAN-UP!



Right! Contact the Soccer Coach’s wife and inform her on everything that’s been going on. She has a RIGHT TO KNOW! Blow this UP![/U]

Contact the school I’m sure the Soccer Coach has broken some rules here, which ones I don’t know, but contact the HR department/Headmaster/Headmistress and update them on what their favourite Soccer Coach is “playing away” with a married woman whose children are under his supervision.



Simple! Gather all the information you have about the EA/PA and get a VAR and carry it on you at ALL times when talking to your wife and Soccer Coach, get them to reconfirm everything again. Now you have written and verbal proof of an EA/PA between them. Before you go to work, leave the Divorce papers (unsigned) on the table, as soon as your wife sees it, she’ll know you mean business. If she can’t OR won’t admit to the affair then sign the papers and give it her and leave it at that. Watch her reaction.



What a load of Bollocks! Your wife has them and she’s blaming you for everything. But, your last sentence shows you are seeing the light – keeping thinking, talking and writing like that, she’ll soon get the message loud and clear:smthumbup:.

Here’s something for you to think about. When you confronted her, she left the house and went to the Soccer Coach and dragged him back to your place at midnight.

1. How did she know where he was that evening?
2. How long was she gone from the time she left and returned with her Soccer Coach? (Trying to match up their stories?)

Read the first paragraph on the top again!
LOOK, YOUR WIFE HUMILIATED YOU! IN YOUR OWN HOME BY MAKING YOU A SMALL AND PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IN FRONT OF THE SOCCER COACH, HER OM SHE’S HAVING AN EA/PA WITH. THERE’S BEEN INTIMATE CHATS AND THE SOCCER COACH ADMITTED SEVERAL KISSES TAKING PLACE (WHAT ELSE? I THINK MUCH MORE, AND SO DO YOU AND EVERYONE READING YOUR STORY). HE KNOWS HIMSELF THEY HAVE COMMITTED ADULTERY AND I SUSPECT FEELS SLIGHTLY ASHAMED AT BEING DRAGGED OUT AT MIDNIGHT TO YOUR HOME. CONTACT THE SOCCER COACH’S WIFE.

Sorry it hurts, but it needed saying!



You will only see your real strength when you are at your weakest. MAN-UP!​

Regards, FTP :)




Read the 180 and bring your balls back to its original place. Stay strong and be a man not a doormat.
 
#18 ·
It is so frustrating. I kind of feel like I am doing the work to convince her. Do you think I should back off and wait for her. Its chewing me up inside. I really love her but I have such pain my dignity is gone and two close friends have abused my trust.
This will begin turning around the moment she ceases to exist in your mind as a woman you love. Now what am I saying here? I'm saying, regardless of how you feel inside, from here on out you need to behave as if she's irrelevant. Acknowledge her, be cordial to her, treat her the way you would treat a good buddy, but nothing more. This will draw her back into you, you will, through your aloofness become more attractive to her.

This is a game. If you plan to win, you better get good at it. Your character is the strong, fair, kind, confident one, play it, be it, and you'll win.

T
 
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#21 ·
So I have read through some of the 180 stuff.

My minds says maybe that is the right thing. On the other hand she says part of the reason our issues is that I do not listen and I am not emotionally meeting her needs. Then again when I ask her when she has had arguments before what we agreed to do she cannot remember yet thinks that I did not try and she did. Reason is the arguments go along the lines I need to do stuff and not her. I have to say part of the problem is I have let her just rule the house. Our close friends have been good recently and told me that she speaks to me like I am a bit of dirt and she is a spoilt something.

Any tips to handle the following scenarios during this time.

1) Wife says she wants to go out clubbing with friend
2) When she says she does not feel in love
3) When she says I need to listen more
4) I have told her that if she cannot get to want the marriage 100% then I would speak to lawyers and would want the kids and she says I am blackmailing
5) When she is disrespectful on the phone by not wanting to chat
6) when she say i am not fun anymore. She has a point I have found it hard to pull on the energies to enjoy fun with friends, dance laugh and have fun whilst trying to manage the family her illness, our finances, my job and the kids. I even fell asleep once when around our freinds late one evening due to exhaustion. She says that makes her feel less loving. I can see her point but boy she has not once showed any appreciation for the sacrifice I have made. For the whole time I cared for her no thanks just complaints that jobs have not been done and that things have not been put back in the exactly place... Any suggestions welcome. I am not a bad husband just like many others I am not perfect and I think her expectations are too high.
 
#25 ·
The 180 is for you to heal and get yourself in a good place. You need to file for Divorce I know you love her but you do not need to be with her if she is going to disrespect you and sleep with others. This is simple until she actually shows real remorse she will continue to degrade you cheater always do this because this way they don't feel like crap. She is blaming it all on you because you have not stood up for yourself you need to tell her that if she not longer loves you and disrespects you all the time that is not a marriage it is just person abusing you. You need to go 180 and start the paper work. You will never get a good marriage out of this until she take ownership of HER OWN ACTIONS. At this point you are not even standing up for yourself. She should be doing a No Contact letter to the man which she hands to you so that you can send it. She should be starting a written timeline for you. She should be remorseful for her actions. None of this has she done. FILE the paper work and go 180

1: NO CLUBBING she goes you divorce
2: Then you need a divorce as you are married because you love each other no love no marriage so file
3: Well listen more but this is no excuse for the affair but you probably could do with marriage counseling.
5: Disrespecful then you need to file do you want to married to a person who treats you like shyte?
6: She wants to be single so let her go with a divorce she can have all the single life she wants.

Also lets be honest she is the one that betrayed her vows, she betrayed her children, she betrayed your love, she betrayed you trust, she betrayed you life. Do not be easy on her this is her mess and she needs to clean it up. If the kids are upset she needs to tell them that she screwed up and that is why they have to change teams. This is her mess you are being way to easy on her.
 
#29 ·
Maybe you should tell her that if she's well enough to go clubbing and well enough to suck face with the soccer coach, she's well enough to go get a job and help out rather than you work two jobs Let her know that if you didn't have to work two jobs to support her and her bad back you would have the time to spend with her. Sometimes I think there are people in this world that need to be spun around and have a foot lodged between the cheeks of their a$$ so far up that they crap shoe laces and shoe leather for the rest of their lives. Maybe they would wake up and start thinking about someone rather than their own selfish self.
Also. Don't wait. Call that clowns wife or go see her and let her know what's going on. The guy shouldn't have the right to have a free ride on your dime.
 
#31 ·
Not sure how to approach my wifes recent friendship with this other girl friend. She is a month and half into her second break up after a number of years ago leaving her man and leaving the kids. One of the texts that I had noticed was that they were out and some guy had approached them and asked for a drink. My thinking is that she was being actively encouraged to pull a guy. It seems to be that this friendship has been consistent in timing with the decline in our relationship.
You wife’s new girlfriend has torpedoed her own relationship and his now living “The life of Riley”. She has freed herself from her life with her “man and kids” and is foot loose and fancy free chasing and shagging any man she wants.

That’s your wife’s new girlfriend? Oh dear...:(:confused::eek::mad:

This woman has given your wife a taste of what single life use to be like, and she likes it. Your wife’s girlfriend is a TOXIC GIRLFRIEND whose morality went down the toilet when she left her “man and kids”. Deep down she miserable and wants and needs someone like her to continue her new life style. You’ve heard the saying Mersey Loves Company!, THERE YOU GO!

To SAVE your MARRIAGE/FAMILY, KILL THIS FRIENDSHIP NOW!

FTP
 
#32 ·
so how do you kill the friendship. I say to my wife its not healthy yet she still talks on fb and meets her incidently with a friend who is closer and who works with this girl hence how she knows. this girl is also it seems on the edge of a break up with two kids.

Its a bit complicated hey
 
#33 ·
She brings back the OM to your home to humiliate you even more with the OM saying it was just kissing? Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever and pretty much knows that you will do everything to get her to remain with you. Why would she respect you at all and now her with this toxic girlfriend on top of it.

If the roles were reversed would your wife have accepted you bringing back to OW to your home to tell her that it was just kissing? I doubt it. The more needy you are the less attractive you are to her. How can you not see this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 
#41 ·
key logger will try and get one for a windows 8 phone somehow. Ipad bit of an issue need to jailbreak it.

have no more mr nice guy.

I will get a VAR sent to my friend and collect it from him as to not arise suspicion.

I have plotted her mobile data activity which shows me all the spikes in the last ex months. I have shots of some her messages.

I now have the address of the OM and wife so could write to her to call me
 
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