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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-13-2013, 01:22 PM   #196 (permalink)
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Default I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

I don't care if she's 86, this is not her issue to fix.
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Old 06-13-2013, 01:45 PM   #197 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

I am not saying it is healthy or unhealthy just that is isn't our place to point fingers and say shoo. We don't even really know if this is an 18 year old girl. You don't know if it am a guy wearing a bunny suit. All i know is she is looking for advice on a course of action. Not grown people pointing finger and saying no no no... It isn't going to work.
I understand that in an Ideal world she wouldn't have to be involved. It isn't going to change the fact that she is still going to look into this. and If she asks for help I will give it to her. If she washes her hands of it. Fine to. If she just wants to talk to us about it fine as well. But the worst thing any one of us can do is to point our fingers and say you need to go act like a child.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:01 PM   #198 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

We have a young lady who is old enough to join the military and get her arse killed for her country who has come on TAM and asked for help. I will support her and hope for the best.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:14 PM   #199 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

anyway this has turned into thread jacking and so if you don't want to help her get out of the thread. Those that do please stay and offer whatever assistance you feel comfortably giving this woman.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:16 PM   #200 (permalink)
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Default I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

No. I just don't think a group of adults should be cheering an 18 year old into doing something illegal and immoral just to satisfy their own desire to see a shítshow, get some satisfaction because they were cheated on and kill a few minutes with some cheap entertainment.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:41 PM   #201 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

It is absolutely not a thread jack to offer a different brand of advice to an OP that diverges from the usual TAM groupthink.

This IS our helping out in the best way we know how. A dozen pages of adults trying to teach a teenager how to become a PI sniffing out who may be sexually pleasing her mother, and you think a couple pages of warnings and opposing advice is a thread jack?

No. I really hope more posters come into this thread and offer advice that counters the BAD advice this teenager has been getting.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:48 PM   #202 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

What it boils down to is, if you/I/we were in her shoes, would we persue the truth about what is going on with her Mother.

Some of us would, some of us wouldn't and that's fine.

She's come her for help and suggestions about what to do. If she decides to go covert to get some answers and you are not comfortable with it - I say you should voice your concerns, then move on.

Yes, I would be concerned with the possible damage caused by her Mother finding out that she spied on her. But that's up to the OP.

I also would be concerened what was being done to my and behind my Father's back.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:53 PM   #203 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

Haven't looked at this thread till now, but I gotta say that this girl should not be snooping on her mom. Since it looks like she's presented what she has to her dad, that's where her involvement stops. I can't believe anyone actually thinks it's up to this GIRL to expose what her mother is up to, regardless of what her father thinks!

As for whether the dad may know and just be pretending it isn't happening, we see that here on TAM frequently. How many BS's have we raked over the coals for allowing their WS to eat cake after cake?? but that is his business. Not the girls.

My kids were that age when my husband was cheating, and I can't even imagine the damage it would have caused in relationships within our family if they'd gotten advice to snoop on him behind my back.
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:03 PM   #204 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

Incidentally - I would say a large majority of teenage daughters would describe their relationship with their mother as abusive as they slam doors and say I hate you, you ruined my life!

Let's take a deep breath folks and calm down.
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:22 PM   #205 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

Alyssa,
I wish I had a daughter like you.
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:33 PM   #206 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

This thread has gone seriously off the track. I have deleted over 30 posts. Any further posts that quote a poster other than the OP or does not directly address the OP will result in a ban. Thanks.
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Old 06-13-2013, 07:41 PM   #207 (permalink)
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This is starting to sound more like an affair or the fact that she is tired of being a wife and mother and wants to be young, free and single, again.

Is she hanging out with a younger crowd at work these days?
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Hm, I'm not really sure. She did mention one of a her younger work friends was getting married, but overall I think she mostly hangs out with people her age.
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:21 PM   #208 (permalink)
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You are a child. You had suspicions and you let your father know. Your involvement at that point should have ended. This is your parent's marriage, not yours. Frankly how they decide to handle a possible affair is none of your business. While you are affected by your parent's marital status it is NOT your marriage. You have crossed so many lines, so many boundaries, and it's horrendous that your father is allowing you to wade knee deep in his marital problems with your mother.


There is something very sick about the adults on this site who are encouraging you, a child, to spy on your mother and become a little affair sniffing Nancy Drew. It is neither appropriate nor right for you to be taking up this position. Currently you seem surrounded by some rather dysfunctional adults and that pattern is being emulated on this board. Some of the posters here are so embittered about their own destructive history with infidelity that they are ignoring that you are a CHILD and encouraging you to act in ways that are reprehensible. There are people here who are not looking out for YOUR best interest but are instead vigilantes focusing on outing every affair possible, regardless of the cost, even if it means egging on a child to do so.

You need to butt out of your parent's marriage and you need to move on with your teenage life. You need to stop. You can not see it now but this kind of behavior is likely to have detrimental effects on your relationship with your mother AND father for many years to come, regardless of what happens to their marriage.
Thanks for the advice. You don't have kids, do you? The only reason I ask is that you only seem to be able to think like a husband. When a couple decides to have children, I think it's pertinent to put the family first. By that I don't mean that marriage should be put on the back burner and kids should be given free reign to do whatever they want so long as they stay happy - what I mean is that the family is a whole, it's one, and so in saying that I don't think you can conceptualize it in a way that makes its components black and white. You have got to be joking if you believe that kids don't have any business in what their parents do. Marriage is a sub-category to family life, and though infidelity certainly effects marriage, it also effects the family as a whole, and in that sense I don't get how it's not the whole family's business. There's detrimental behavior being exhibited here by the people who are supposed to be 'in control' of the family, that's obvious. Frankly, the idea that children shouldn't be involved in a marital riff when it directly effects them is an archaic and ageist thought. The problem that's occurring now is so evident that even a 13-year old girl (my sister) is picking up on things, so no, I have no right to try to root out a problem just because I'm a "child" and should expect that my parents will handle things in the best way, as they've CERTAINLY been doing so far (sarcasm). I'm not my parents' nosy neighbor, I'm their daughter, and what they're doing is getting to me and their youngest, and if they can't find a way to handle sh*t, then I will. The fact that you've judged my parents as "dysfunctional adults" says a lot about that.

About me being a "child," I don't know what context you're using to label me as such, but to be frank, it's annoying. Physically, as an 18-year old, I don't know anyone who would categorize me as a "child." Emotionally, I don't think you know me well enough to judge me in such a fashion either. I'm 18, and I'll be going to college next fall, living away from my parents; my teenage years are over. I'm not trying to be older than I am, nor am I trying to take on responsibilities undue to me. But at the same time, I know that I'm NOT going to sit around and acting hapless, sucking my thumb while strangers call me a child. No, whatever is going on with my mom is screwing with our family, and no matter how dismissive you want to be of a "child," it is my right to be able to protect that.

Last edited by alyssa_s; 06-13-2013 at 08:37 PM.
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:23 PM   #209 (permalink)
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Her parents' marriage is not her marriage. I understand she has worries and concerns. The right thing to do is bring them to her dad's attention, talk to her mom and then let them sort it out.

This type of involvement is unhealthy.
The way my parents are acting is unhealthy too.
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:33 PM   #210 (permalink)
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It is absolutely not a thread jack to offer a different brand of advice to an OP that diverges from the usual TAM groupthink.

This IS our helping out in the best way we know how. A dozen pages of adults trying to teach a teenager how to become a PI sniffing out who may be sexually pleasing her mother, and you think a couple pages of warnings and opposing advice is a thread jack?

No. I really hope more posters come into this thread and offer advice that counters the BAD advice this teenager has been getting.
It's not a thread jack to show a difference of opinion. The thread jack occurs when people come here and make speculations and off-topic remarks while operating off of personal biases. True, a lot of people have been cheated on here, but there's probably a fair number of cheaters as well. One side is telling me to find out as much as possible, the other side is telling me to "butt out," but the biases exist on both sides.
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