Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I want to investigate my mom because my dad won't

42K views 247 replies 51 participants last post by  SadandAngry 
#1 ·
Hi,

I originally posted here with a list of red flags that concerned me about my mother's behavior, with the suspicion that she may be cheating. Here's that thread again if anyone wants to go over the list:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72097-someone-looking-help.html

Eventually, I decided to talk to my dad about my mom's change in behavior without bringing up infidelity, and as I thought he would he told me not to worry about it. He said that she was going through "changes" because of her age (turning 50 this year), and that her work is stressing her out, and that we should be nice and give her a break. So I kind of backed off for a while but the 'red flags' persisted and built up to a point where it was hard for me to even be in the same room as her. These are sort of the major ones that set me over the top, in addition to the previously existing red flags:

- She's been going out more with a divorced friend of hers. My mom usually gets annoyed when we ask her who she's meeting but this woman usually picks my mom up from our house, so that's how I know who she's going with. This woman bothers me because she's always trying to influence my mom to do things based off of her single woman mentality (like she's always going "Oh we should go here" "We should do this" "We should do that"), when it's really just her dragging my mom along because she doesn't want to venture out on her own. Not to be rude, but at that age it's probably hard to find another single person and I can't help but think that this woman just wants a friend to act single with her.

- Another thing that bothered me about this woman's influence was that on a day where they were going to a spa to get massages, she said to my mom, in front of my sister and me, "When's the last time you spent an hour on a bed with a hunky guy all over you?" I mean, okay it's great that you think you're funny, but do you have to emasculate my dad in front of his children in his own house? I don't get it, seriously, who does that? To make it worse, my mom gave her a playful "Let's go!", which really freaking annoyed me.

- My mom didn't want to do ANYTHING on Mother's Day. It didn't help that my dad was working, but we offered to cook her breakfast, to take her out shopping and to lunch, and to make dinner/take her out but she didn't want to do any of it and she just watched T.V. the whole day. Like I said in the other threat, my mom says she feels unappreciated (no matter what anyone does), so I thought maybe she didn't want to be with us if someone was making her feel appreciated.

- Also on Mother's Day, she got a succession of pings on her phone but she wouldn't check them in front of us. My sister and I decided to go out and get her lunch, and when we left I realized I forgot my driver's license and when I went back inside to get it, my mom was on the phone, and when she saw me she put the phone down and asked "What are you doing?"

- Recently, she went to a night event for her work. The event was supposed to be over at 9:30 and she told my dad she'd be home by 11 but she got home around the time when I stopped studying, which was past midnight.

- I found an unsigned card on the floor, and all it said was "You are a queen and should be treated like one. Thinking of you." I couldn't tell if it was male or female handwriting but when I gave it to my mom she acted unnecessarily dismissive about it, and told me it was just something a co-worker gave her for Mother's Day. I didn't ask if it was a man or a woman who wrote it because I didn't want her to catch on.

So I really just want to find out whether or not my mom is cheating and I just need help. My mom obviously needs some kind of help herself regardless of if she's cheating or not, and we've tried helping her my dad's way ("be nice because she's your mother") but that always backfires. She almost never wants to talk about things, and on the rare occasions she does, it's always HER, HER, HER, and she is literally unable to empathize or sympathize with us. It's like she never hears what we say to her because she's thinking of the next way to victimize herself. As an example, when she misinterprets something my sister and I say to her or our tone of voice, it's our fault because we should have expressed ourselves in a way she could understand. But when she's misinterpreted, it's our fault still, because we should have been more understanding of her and we jumped to conclusions. My mom has always been stubborn, but in the past, if my dad told her she was wrong, she was wrong. Now her stubbornness surpasses my dad's word, and if he tells her she's wrong she gets even more incensed. If she wasn't cheating, I don't think we'd have a problem defusing things through communication like functional families do. But I think if she is cheating, her partner makes her feel wanted/appreciated and "the fog" (which I learned from here) makes her relationship seem perfect, which would validate her feelings that she's right and we're wrong, which would explain her unwillingness to compromise. Anyway, sorry for ranting again! But the adults in my life would either be at risk of telling my mom everything I say to them or are too pretentious to talk to, and friends don't have the experience that you guys do.

For the TLDR people, I just want to know how to catch a cheater is all. Thank you.
 
See less See more
#38 ·
And yes I think there is a good chance she is cheating. Your dad may even know about it.
I'm not posting this as an adult looking down on an 18 year old, it's an adult who was an 18 year old in a very sick family system.
I'm trying to help you. Sometimes you start opening pandora's box about your parents and you learn things that can't be taken back, that aren't good for you to know. And that's whether you are 8 or 58.
Would you really want to know the intimate details of your parents sex life or your mom's affair or find out they are swingers or something?
 
#41 ·
Alyssa,

I think you are right and I have immense respect for what you are doing. There is a huge gap of responsibility in your house and you are filling the void. You mother is being absolutely selfish and reckless... Your dad maybe ignorant as in lacking knowledge or not facing reality, that I really don't know. You and your siblings see the issue. Your mom is cheating on you.

I believe you have every right to act in the best interest of your family. I believe that you are being the strongest and wisest in your family. You are doing what is right and needed to the best of your ability. Because you are young doesn't mean that you aren't strong. You saw the burden and what it was doing to your family and you picked it up and are carrying it when no one else can. As long as you act in the best interest of your family you are doing the right thing. You know you may have to fill some of the motherly role for your siblings and show your younger sister what is right etc...

Do not let anger and bitterness consume you. Your mom is doing bad things and as this unwinds you will go through a process of pain in which you will have those emotions. At those times give your burdens over and focus on the positive.

I'm going to tell you a personal story... My EX wife had an affair with my neighbor on the left of me. We divorced and she is now dating and ... the neighbor on the right of me. I am moving as soon as I can...

Anyway, I have to travel for work. I was out of state Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday night she comes over to her boyfriends house (my next door neighbor)... My kids are playing baseball in my backyard... It gets late. My EX wants my kids to sleep at my neighbor's house. My oldest 12 almost 13 and his younger brother say no. So they go over my house to sleep.

My EX calls the cops on my boys and my neighbor cusses them and tells them to get off his property until cops get there... (I'm out of state...) I bought my boys a phone if they ever need me. I'm getting calls and texts...

The cop comes and my EX and neighbor have the cop bully my sons. He tells them next time he has to come out here, he will take them to Juvy... My son stands his ground and asks the cop what law he broke. My boys are 10, 12 and 12 right now (Irish Twins) and they don't believe what their mother is doing is ok. They don't want to sleep at the neighbors house and they stood up and said what they felt was right. These are the qualities I want my sons to have when they become men. They were right and they wouldn't back down.

Now I told the neighbor that if he needs to cuss at my kids, he should do it when I'm there. (That never seems to happen...)

I also went down to the police and told them what happened and asked for the police report... There was none. I talked to the lady and she said my boys broke no laws. I have a meeting with the deputy tomorrow and I am going to tell him nicely that some of the things he did like letting my EX on my property and trying to intimidate my boys was wrong. If someone is standing up for what is right, they should not be intimidated. I will make it clear that I don't want someone bullying my kids for doing nothing wrong.

Now the consequences of standing up for what is right may not be what you want, but it doesn't mean you should not do what you believe is right. You may cause a situation to deteriorate faster than it normally would or you may help resolve it. You probably know if you sit back and do nothing that you might lose your own self respect. This is not your fault and you can't fix your mom. She has to do that!

You are young to carry such a burden and I am truly sorry, but if you do what you think is right for your family, you will never be able to blame yourself. This is not your fault. I can see that you have a sense of duty and I think that is great but it is a lot of pressure for you. I know you probably think you may not need counseling, but I go... I don't think I need it but I probably do... It helps... Your younger sister probably will need it more.

You may want to talk to your dad and have a serious F-U conversation with your mom's TOXIC friend. Also gather evidence and protect your family... Your mom is being selfish now... She could do serious financial damage to your family so be prepared.

I am sorry that you are here, and I will put you in my prayers tonight.
 
#42 ·
You are a great person. Sometimes it takes just one person in the family to step up and face the issue square on. I feel for you and your family. My one son stepped in, spoke up, ordered a GPS, installed it and we got our proof. I could not have done that myself, I was living hours away during the week. The devastation of another discovery was horrible. Tomorrow morning my wife, my oldest son (he is special needs) and I will be meeting with my youngest son at our other home. This will be the first time my wife and my youngest son have seen each other since the discovery on February 6 2013. My son and my wife were really close and my son has not spoken to his mother in months. He is very skeptical of her change of heart and I need that balance in my life.

I still believe you should gather evidence. Weight out your options. Develop a plan and then follow through with it. VAR's at the very least, in her car and place elsewhere in the house if possible.

As far as counseling. I am a profession counselor and I don't see you needing it, you have a good heart, a good mind and a great soul. You are trying to protect your family and that my dear is admirable.
 
#43 ·
Alyssa,

I also want to commend you for posting here. It's obvious your home life is stressful at the moment, but you're able to describe your problems in a very reasonable, articulate way.

A couple questions. First, could other factors besides an extramarital affair be causing your mom's changes? You say she has become more snappy, impatient, and uncomfortable with physical contact. Could any of this result from chronic depression, or other mental health issues?

Second, you made reference to her style getting "bolder". What exactly did you mean by this? Is it possible your mom is combating feelings of insecurity or helplessness by taking charge of the few variables in life she actually has control over (her own weight and appearance). Maybe the bold clothes are meant to project a sense of power, when she otherwise feels she has none?
 
#119 ·
Yes it's possible that my mom could be acting this way for reasons other than cheating. It's just that I don't know what they are either than the fact that she's turning 50 and could be having a mid-life crisis. But either way, I think even if cheating is the cause of her behavioral changes it would be a consequence of the road she's heading down. My mom has told us she didn't have the best childhood and when she talks about some of the problems she had with her parents, particularly her mother, she still sounds upset and bitter. Once I thought that my mom may be bi-polar, but she was never diagnosed or if she was she never told anyone.

As for the bolder clothes thing, the first thing I noticed was that she was buying brighter colors, skinnier jeans, lower cut shirts, and she wanted these Lululemon yoga pants I had which are basically tights. Then I noticed her work attire changed - she used to only wear suits with moderately sized heels but the heels are getting higher, she's started wearing blouses with skirts also, and sometimes she doesn't even wear pantyhose when she wears a skirt.
 
#44 ·
I was around your age when I inadvertently tipped my Mom off to my Dad's cheating (I made a joke when my Dad was "walking in the park" for 8 hours that he must be having an affair, so that comment prompted her to look.)

I don't regret that in the slightest

what I do regret is getting too involved after their DDay
Your life is just starting and as much as your Dad will need your support, you can't let it affect your future as much as it affected mine. I hope you find that balance because I didn't.
 
#99 · (Edited)
dysfunctionalparents.com...........we should start a new thread for forum discussion! How many fuc*ed up parents have fuc*ed up offspring! I wonder how many pathetic BS's are also borne from fuc*ed up parents. Probably not so many. But I bet there is some dysfunction that makes a BS want to R with a W.

I am by no means a passer by on this. I have ****ed up parents and ****ed up offspring. My parents are mother who is ****ed up and step father who is even more so but been there since I was born. He is an unhelpful prick! And highly manipulative. My mother is a doormat so goes along with him. My ex partner has done his best to undermine me at every opportunity and been abusive and difficult. Even when it comes to the kids being out of order. He bolsters their teenage righteousness! He has shown them very skillfully how to disrespect their mother!

Oh what a minefield!

Alyassa, just do what you feel is right and be aware of EVERY consequence, and be prepared for ANY eventuality. And the only way for that I truly believe is to discuss every step here.

Threads are very forceful on occasion, but you being a daughter concerned about your mum, it brings the hot headedness to a minimum and I think you are getting great advice. Keep posting for every step you need because it will be good advice!

EDIT: It WAS great advice on the whole. I wrote this before I got through the whole thread and before I had read a couple of posters particularly bad posts!
 
#46 ·
The reason that I think it's somewhat inappropriate for you to investigate your mom is that you don't know the full context of the dynamic between your mom and dad. It's entirely possible that they have some sort of open relationship, that's not something they'd share with you. With regards to your mom's parenting style and apparent narcissism, I think you're firmly in your rights to document what's going on with her actions regarding parenting. Fidelity and being a good parent aren't inextricably linked. There's dozens of threads on here that show people in the midst of an affair who remain a dedicated parent.

I would keep a journal of your mom and dad's actions toward your younger sibling. If your dad does come around to your point of view and wanted to divorce your mom, the journal could be invaluable to custody
 
#48 ·
Confronting without proof will go no where.

Quietly hide a var in the house near where your mom takes calls.

Hide one in her car along with a realtime GPS.

Install a key logger on the PC.

Many a BS has come here with same red flags and by digging for intel they found out their WS was having an affair.
 
#49 ·
Those were spouses. Not the child! I don't think people understand how damaging this could be to her.
There are no secrets between spouses. She is her daughter!
Honestly I don't think she has the right to spy on her parents. Leave that for her dad to do.
I had a friend who caught her dad making out with a family friend in the kitchen. We were 13.
She went to the school counselor who told her to talk to her mom. She found out that they had an open relationship. Talk about being shocked.
You have no idea what things her mom might discuss that are secrets that she shouldn't know about. This is just so wrong.
 
#100 ·
They had an open relationship? Fine. Surely the shock was more about the dishonesty of the relationship and not the finding out! Though the nature of the relationship itself suggests totally inappropriate examples for the children to lead. That is FULLY why.relationships like these are not fully open. Essentially, they are not healthy. That is why they are kept secret!
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt
#50 ·
You probably shouldn't hide a var, gps, or install a key logger. That would be very illegal. Like, go to jail illegal. A spouse can get away with it because they can always say it's shared property. You have no rights to her car, house, etc. Legally, it would be the same as a stranger recording her conversations.

What you can do is "accidentally" leave your GPS enabled phone in her car. There are even some apps which will allow you to listen in on your phone. This will allow you to have a non-criminal reason for your phone being in your car. You lost it and used the GPS and listened to it to find out where it was.
 
#52 ·
You aren't treating your kids with gross disrespect though. You aren't abjectly failing in your duties and responsibilities as a parent. People are human, they **** up, massively sometimes (hating your mother forever would be a poor choice btw). This young woman has asked for the situation to be addressed as it slides into intolerability for her and her siblings, but was rebuffed. No, the situation is not good (is it ever, but yeah, this is worse), but I don't get the impression that sitting idly by as her family gets torn apart is something that Alyssa is going to do. She is going to take action. At least she asked for help and advice on how to do that, without setting a hornet's nest off right from the outset. If she finds something, perhaps she will return here to get opinions on what to do, and we can debate the possibilities and the possible outcomes then.
 
#53 ·
I will suggest one other thing. If you get the proof I would go to your mother with the proof, tell her you got 24 hours to tell dad or you will. Let her tell your father and then let them work it out.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Thor and Remains
#66 ·
The OP is not the oldest child. She's the middle child.

According to the OP, she will not talk to the 21 year old daughter about this because the 21 year old has a good relationship with her mother. That's an interesting statement.

And no, a child (no matter the child's age) does not have a right to know waht is going on in his/her parent's marriage.

Do you have chidlren? How old are they? Do you tell them everything that goes on in your marriage?
 
#80 ·
Alyssa,

I'm not trying to put words in anyones mouth, but people here can be very emotional about infidelity as it has hit many of us very hard. You made your point.

Let's get back on track and tell us how things are progressing. You need to let it go... There could be a lot worse in store for you in the future so save your energy.
 
#97 ·
I don't know how whether or not my dad sees what I see. As for my parents' looks, my dad is better looking that the average guy his age and he does a lot of physical activity. A lot of people compliment my mom on her looks also, and she looks about five years younger than she actually is so I would say they're both about the same level of attractiveness. But yes, recently my mom has been more active. She's been taking walks, doing aerobics programs and has been talking about buying an elliptical machine for the house. I think she's probably lost about 10 pounds this past year.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top