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Wife cheated before marriage

94K views 331 replies 109 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
 
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#3 ·
My wife is definately not cheating now, and she is definately not still seeing the OM. She cheated about 4 years ago, and has since moved countries twice.

I have no concerns that she will cheat in the future. She has matured a lot as a person since she cheated and will not do it again.

I am more concerned with the fact that she has faced no consequences for cheating while I am in so much pain.

My son is mine - I am sure about that.

D is not an option because of my son, so I guess, by default, I want to reconcile.
 
#9 · (Edited)
My wife is definately not cheating now, and she is definately not still seeing the OM. She cheated about 4 years ago, and has since moved countries twice.

I have no concerns that she will cheat in the future. She has matured a lot as a person since she cheated and will not do it again.

I am more concerned with the fact that she has faced no consequences for cheating while I am in so much pain.

My son is mine - I am sure about that.

D is not an option because of my son, so I guess, by default, I want to reconcile.
Listen, you never thought your wife had cheated to begin with. Right?... So you're with her 24/7 now? I don't say this to be a d1ck, but if she cheated once, there is a always a possibility that she could cheat again. Maybe not tomorrow, but some day.

You don't DNA test just to see if you're the Father. It gives her a consequence to her cheating on you, Just like an STD test would be also, if this had happen recently that is. It opens her eyes to some of the negative side effect of cheating on you.

The fact that divorce is "not a option", yet another consequence she's not worried about. If someone in your position brings up divorce, it doesn't mean that they're going to file. It would show her that you are serious about this and if it where to ever happen again...

You were apart for 4 months. She lived near the OM. They worked at the same place. And only Once... My guess is that she had sex more than once. Tell her you're scheduling a polygraph test. Her reaction alone should tell you that they had sex more than once.
 
#5 ·
With out consequences, bad behavior continues.

Why did she cheat in the 1st place?

Has that even been addressed?

I mean what has she done to affair proof her marriage other then get older?

Sorry brother but it only took 5 years after my wifes 1st affair for her to do it again.

So yes you are correct that she has not learned a damn thing but you are so wrong in the fact that this won't happen again!

Think about it, she knows you aren't going anywere so beside her guilt what makes you think that the next time will be any different?
 
#8 ·
...


When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.
Your wife is a B.

I dont see her as a "great, selfless mother" since she threatened to make sure her son will not have a father in his life.

Do not be afraid to lose your marriage. You have to be prepared to lose the marriage in order to have a chance at saving it.
 
#11 ·
I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.
I think this tells a lot about your relationship with her.

She insisted you razor your hair, something she KNEW you HATED for a WHOLE YEAR, and you did it, saying she would leave you if you didn't.

At a minimum, I think you should insist she shave her head for a year, or else you will leave her. Since in my book her cheating is 10 times worse than what you did, you should insist she shave her head for 10 years.

Honestly, what kind of vengeful person makes a demand like the one your then fiance made? When you were right all along? And kept it up for A WHOLE YEAR?

And how did you go along with something like that?

And now this: "However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us."

STILL UP TO HER SAME OLD TRICKS.

Yet still, you post this: "She has matured a lot as a person since she cheated and will not do it again."

Her threat to leave you and take your son if you "act as if anything has changed" between the two of you is just more of the same. She has not matured.

You can't go through your life being blackmailed by your wife. What next? She has complete control over you it seems.
 
#12 ·
You let her make an absolute fool out of you, she "dissed" you---made you look like a clown---OVER SOMETHING SHE DID

Now you are letting her do this again-------stop with the I can do nothing cuz of my son----1st she can't just take your son----that all gets decided in the courts---If she tries to leave prior to D/Custody hearing---she would be Kidnapping your son---so she ain't going anywhere---and you need to tell her that

If you are gonna be miserable, and have a miserable mge---that is far worse than your son---living in 2 relatively happy split homes

You need to think hard on this matter, and decide what is really best for all of you---BASED, on how the future is gonna look, based on how this is handled

I understand that you probably need to have satisfaction for the public humiliation she subjected you to for a whole year----and I think that somehow, you at least need to extract---strict accountability from her, she needs to be taken out of her nice cushy lifestyle, she needs to sign a post--nup-----and SHE NEEDS TO HELP YOU DEAL WITH THE PAIN------do not let this get swept under the rug

It does not sound like you are gonna handle this very well---as you are hurting big time, and now know---you suffered humiliation, when she was wrong, and just piled disdain all over you

You gotta do what is right for you----this woman who claims to be your wife---is not a kind/loving/nice woman----she is an angry/controlling/mean spirited person, who would publicly humiliate you----THAT IS NOT LOVE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM---that is pure downright meanness.

As to being a good mother---who knows---cuz who or what she is, is certainly in question!!!!!!!!
 
#13 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
Great and selfless unless she catches you looking at her phone and makes you shave off all your hair as a punishment, then likely goes and sleeps with OM again, trapping you in a marriage you would have most likely never committed to and even upon exposure still shows no remorse and threatens to leave the country with your son.

She's a piece of work.

Good luck to you.
 
#17 ·
You actually shaved your head for a year? She does not sound like a great wife.

Exactly when did you know that she ordered an HIV test? When you learned of this why did you think she needed to order it?
I would definitely have a paternity test done. They are cheap painless and private. She does not need to participate in the process. You can think the child is yours or you can find out for certain.
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#47 ·
Exactly when did you know that she ordered an HIV test? When you learned of this why did you think she needed to order it?
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I only found out about the HIV test after she confessed to cheating (found through snooping). She ordered it soon after we found out she needed to have a Medical examination as part of the visa application process to move to my country.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#18 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.
Okay, you need to stop right here and TRULY recognize what kind of woman this is. WOW!?!?! So she OUTRIGHT HUMILIATED you because you DARED question her.

Now think about this. She was cheating on you. She KNEW she was cheating on you, and WHILE KNOWING she was betraying you, she also THEN CHOSE to HUMILIATE YOU! WOW dude. I wouldn't have been able to get past this when the truth came out. You want to talk about EXTREME betrayal. She ENJOYED humiliating you!!

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!).
Okay so WHY DID SHE HAVE YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR A YEAR? And MORE IMPORTANTLY.. WHY DID YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR A YEAR?!?! If I found a text on my wife's phone that wasn't "right" and I questioned her and she said to me "well I'm leaving or you have to shave your head!" MY response would be..."Don't let the door hit you on your a$$ on the way out, and thanks for showing me your BAT SH!T CRAZY self NOW instead of later"

She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.
Sorry if she had ANY guilt, she would've never done the head shaving thing. Something else is up here.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.
I don't know what country you live in, but go find legal help. Your wife has some serious issues. She doesn't really like you (you don't torment someone you like). You need to protect yourself and your child. You need to file a motion to keep your child in your country.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).
In other words for her other affair. Time line doesn't work

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.
Well then you get to show your son how a man SHOULDN'T allow himself to be treated. You get to suffer in this hell your wife is putting you through and it's only going to get worse as her disdain for you increases. So great way to be an example to him. Just make sure you teach him to NOT be a man like you (sorry to be painfully blunt).

It's more important to see your son LESS but be a BETTER father. Quality ALWAYS trumps Quantity.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
First I would go get legal counsel secretly. I would file a motion to make sure she can't leave the country with your son.

Second, I would get paperwork to file a divorce. I would then go into the bathroom, drop trou and look at my testicles, as a reminder that YEP they're still there. I would SACK UP! Get my anger going, walk out and slap the divorce papers in front of your wife. I would then LAMBASTE her about her cheating, her second cheating (the HIV kit) her punishing you after she knew you caught her, and just how EVIL that was. (I'm still stunned). And tell her to get the EFF out of the house because you can't stand even looking at her. She's a worthless piece of crud who's cruel, two timing and frankly you don't think is a good example for your son. You DO NOT want her as a wife, she's not worth you, and you really don't want a woman who has such NASTY parts to her raising your son. A woman who can do such evil things has NO moral compass, so how can she be a mother?
 
#20 ·
Sorry alone,

Normally, I recommend a softer approach on cheating that happened well before marriage and kids. But in your case, you wife doesn't sound like she has matured at all .. in fact, she sounds un-remorseful and rather malicious.

She definitely is 100% still in selfish-mode with her continued threats. She's damaged goods.
 
#21 ·
This story sounds very familiar. Did you already post it here a while ago?

Your wide is very manipulative and aggressive, and she behaves like that without guilt or remorse. Taking revenge upon you by making you shave your head for a year for asking a reasonable question is proof of that.

There is no way she suddenly felt guilt for cheating just once years ago before you we're engaged.

Also if she was feeling do guilty, she'd be answering all your questions to assuage her guilt.

There is something else going on , and that is why she told you. It's not guilt. Very likely she may have feared you bring told by someone who knew about it. In particular being told it was much more and longer than she's told you.

The fact that she uses extreme threats to make you back down and not ask questions is something that is totally not acceptable and you need to deal with that.

SHE IS A BULLY.

You deal with bullies by standing up to them and calling their bluff.

One approach would be to talk to an attorney, or to get divorce forms and sit them calmly in front of her and say, she's got a choice. The full truth whenever you ask, or you both can begin filling in the D papers.
 
#22 ·
Think back to when she confessed. Before it was there anyone new either on FB or in real life that might have told you something? Or someone she was having conflict with?

I'm thinking of a former friend or family member who she was afraid you spill the beans to you. I'm also guessing it may have been prompted by her either having had new contact with the OM on a trip or FB.
 
#49 ·
Think back to when she confessed. Before it was there anyone new either on FB or in real life that might have told you something? Or someone she was having conflict with?
No, there's no one who could have told me. I never met any of her friends from that time and she is no longer in contact with any of them. There was no trips, no new FB friends, no conflicts, nothing to prompt a confession. If she hadn't told me I would never have known.

She told me 3 months after our son was born. I think she had mild post natal depression and that is what prompted her to confess.
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#26 · (Edited)
If I were you, I would talk to a lawyer. Ask him about getting an injunction about her leaving the country with your kid. Don't take that threat lightly.

So, she dropped a bombshell on you and if you start acting as if things changed between you two she's leaving the country and taking your kid away from you. Well, guess what! Things have changed. You discovered that your marriage was built upon a lie.
She's had a long time to heal from this and put it behind her. It's something that happened a long time ago for her and as far as she's concerned, it's history. She just told you about it, so this is brand new to you. It's like it happened yesterday for you. And you're not to react like it's no big deal? This chick is crazy.

You have every RIGHT to be upset about this. You do have options. So, don't be afraid for the blackmail that she's trying to do to you. She has no right to do that to you.

So, talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. How do you think she would take it if she was given paperwork stating that she is not allowed to take your kid out of the country or else she'll be arrested for kidnapping and sent to prison. Then, you can say, " Now, I don't take threats well and if we're done playing BS games, why don't we talk like adults and find out where this relationship stands."
 
#27 ·
She really is a bully. But also a bit nuts.

And you actually do what she tells you to do.

I'm very sympathetic to you because, well, there's no reason not to be, but you have to have seen that you had trouble on your hands when she demanded that you shave your head. Or perhaps you didn't? Is love so blind?

You are in for a lifetime of problems with a controlling bully like your W. I don't believe that you have anywhere near the truth about her cheating and she will make it painful for you to demand the truth.

From what you've written, I see this as very difficult for you no matter what you do: You demand the truth and force that as much as you can & she makes your life miserable as a result, or you sweep it under the rug to keep peace for now and you are miserable as a result. Your choice.

No matter what, secure your baby's passport.
 
#130 ·
She really is a bully. But also a bit nuts.
Yes...and she is probably also scared and desperate.

She isn't from your country and she knows she is in deep kim chee from a moral standpoint...so she goes aggressive to see if you fold.

And you do...just like a shirt in a Chinese laundry.

Think hard on that tendency.
 
#30 ·
8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.
Why did she confess?

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.
How long was she with the other guy?

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.
Is that her real reason? Any reason to think there might be other things?

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.
Does not seem to remorseful. Will she answer questions about it? Has she even apologized?

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.
Does she know this?

You also mention in a later post that she has matured and would not cheat again. Why do you think this?
 
#33 ·
Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are and what you could expect regarding child custody

A woman who cheats on you AND punishes YOU for it is someone with some serious issues.

She took the opportunity to shame you twice. Once through her affair and then for a YEAR after it! The gall of this woman is unbelievable!

If you stay together, tell her that part of that will be that she should shave her head for a year! Want to bet what her answer will be?
 
#36 ·
Manipulative. Self-absorbed. Amoral. Pathological liar. Remorseless. Abusive. Emotional Hostage Taker. Childish. Selfish. Narcissistic. Vindictive. Traitorous. Skank.

Those are just a few words I have for your "selfless mother" of a wife.

Funny, I see her as a "selfish mother", with some extra letters added onto the end of the word "mother".
 
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