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Wife cheated before marriage

94K views 331 replies 109 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
 
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#37 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.
Some countries, such those in the EU, will still require passport for a child that young. Unsurprisingly, the authorities take a dim view of foreign nationals trying to waltz out of the country with their citizens.

Your wife won't be able to get a passport without a valid birth certificate, so secure ALL copies and/or translations.

At the very least find out what applies in your home country on the relevant government website. Know your rights.

Talk to a lawyer.
 
#40 ·
I know this is difficult and her lack of response is not good. Firstly, I would get control of your sons passport and secure it somewhere, so that you wife can't bolt with your son. Secondly, you need to get both of you in professional counselling. This can be fixed but it will take effort on both of your parts. If you try to sweep this under the rug, this will return to haunt you.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" -- George Santayana
 
#41 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

If there’s NO real Guilt, there’s NO real Remorse. SIMPLE!

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

She’s self-centred and only thinks about herself, me, me, and me. So you are together for 6 years and married for 2. She cheated 3 years ago and ONLY feels guilty NOW. Oh please pull the other one.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

She’s a control freak, and must be in charge of everything.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

She's thinking you and she really loves you! That's so sweet of her! (I think I'm going to throw up.)

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:

- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

Your wife is NOT great! She cheated on and dismisses any of your questions as nothing. She's thinking: "Get over it husband it was a long time ago".
Your wife is a good mother, can’t argue that point.


So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

1. Show her the divorce papers unsigned and demand she tells you the truth about everything. Show her you mean business, and any time she refuses; take your pen out and in front of her sign the divorce papers.

2. She MUST write down pen and paper her own words a truth time-line of her affair, from start to finish with ALL the details. The meetings, sex everything.

3. Get yourself tested for all STD’s and DNA test as well to determine if the child really is yours. I don’t care if you believe in your heart of hearts that your child is yours! Because by your wife’s own actions she has cancelled out any of your feelings before your got married.


I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
The moment your now wife cheated on you around 4 years ago, you were no longer an equal in this relationship, and she was in charge of its real direction. She knew full well, you would have left her if you had pushed her over the text message and exposed the affair. She ended the affair and married you and had a child with you. She feels guilty but shows NO remorse and she knows you will never leave her now that you have child together.

She is the ALPHA FEMALE in your marriage/family and you are the silent husband (Doormat husband), why? Because she kind of confessed to you 8 months ago and you remained silent until now.

You must also explore all the legal avenues with regard to taking custody of your child, even if it’s just a threat, do it. I know you said your wife is good mother, but’ she is a horrible wife. It's time MAN-UP and be that HUSBAND she hasn't seen YET! Once she sees YOU and the HUSBAND in the marriage she'll start showing you the respect YOU deserve.

You came to TAM! Well done! By the way! You just took the first steps in NOT being the silent husband (Doormat Husband). You will get sage advice and some time’s it’s going to hurt, but remember we are all on your side here. Listen, learn and take action to becoming an equal in your marriage. Your wife must be taught that her actions have consequences and she MUST to all the work in repairing your marriage.

regards, FTP :)
 
#43 ·
Before I continue responding to questions, I thought I should say a few things.

Firstly, I appreciate the viewpoint that my wife is not a good mother. I did not come on here to defend her in any way. I should have said that, day-to-day, she is very good at caring for our son.

Secondly, I am a lawyer (which she was off f***ing the OM, I was getting a post-grad law degree), so I know my rights re custody and have put measures in place to ensure my son cannot leave my country without my permission.

Thirdly, my son is mine. The first thing I did when she told me about her cheating was to secretly get a paternity test done.

And we were both tested for STDs prior to trying to have a baby, and were both clean.
 
#46 ·
Hi Alone,

I will gladly eat my own words, if my words have offended you.

But let me point out your post#1, you came across a scared, broken and alone (hence you username I get it), now your sounding more confident in your post#43, FANTASTIC!

Summary from your post#43

1. Your wife is a Good mother (I trust you)
2. You got tested for STD’s prior to having a baby and your both clean (Fantastic news)
3. You son is yours because the paternity test confirmed this (Fantastic news)
4. On the custody issue your wife has no idea whose she’s messing with (I like it)

Your post#1
“I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.”
This paragraph is a MAJOR RED FLAG FOR ME. She humiliated YOU for a whole year because she cheated and punished YOU! And YOU DID NOTHING!

Your pos#1
“However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.”
She can’t take your son out of the country because you’ve already made arrangements to prevent this. So after 8 months she still won’t answer any question, no truth-time line, no guilt, and no remorse. I will continue to push you to stand up for yourself. She is the ALPHA in your marriage and is walking all over YOU!

I changed my mind; I won’t eat my own words, because I haven’t offended you!

Regards, FTP!
 
#52 ·
I think you should look at divorcing her, just because she is a bully. That's an emotionally abusive trait that has no place in a successful marriage.

If you don't file, then you need to be prepared to always stand up to her and never backdown because surrender only empowers bullies.
 
#55 ·
Alone24: you mentioned post partum depression, so perhaps she is psychologically fragile?. Is there any way you could convince her to get psychological help? Or could you do MC to address these issues, especially the weird head shaving event? It sounds a bit like she is delusional: maybe she really convinced herself at the time that you were guilty! You also point out that she refuses to address the cheating issue and does not want your behavior to change.

I'm not sure she is really in control of herself. Her behavior comes across as aggressive, which indeed it is, but she seems to be suffering.

I hope you find a solution. Especially because of the baby.
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#57 ·
Omega, thank you foe the thoughtful post.

Fortunately for my wife though, she is not suffering at all. She possibly had post partum depression related to being home sick, but that was only for a few weeks and she is absolutely fine now. She actually says she's never been happier.

As for IC or MC, I think she/we need both. But she is 100% not interested. I have never bothered mentioning MC, because I told her I might need to talk to someone about what she did and she couldn't understand why I would need to.

She was not delusional when I accused her. She knew and knows she was guilty, and in fact the only positive in her (extremely brief) explanation of what happened and why is that she has never blamed me. She said I was the perfect boyfriend and didn't deserve to be cheated on.
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#58 ·
She may not e so comfortable if you explain to her that not only have you lost trust in her for cheating, but for the way she chose to abuse you when you asked her about it.

That you view her actions as selfish , hateful, and manipulative and that you are considering the question of do you want to be married to her.
 
#59 ·
Post Partum, do you think someone who knew about her cheating contacted her to congratulate her about the baby, and they asked if the father was the OM? Or they asked if the father was the sane guy she cheated on?

She may have worried that her lies we're about to get revealed.
 
#60 ·
Maybe, but I really don't think so. As far as I can tell, all of her friends at that time must have known, and never bothered to tell me when I met them when I visited her or when we got married. A group of them even advised her at the time not to tell me, so they all seem to be on her side on this one.

And no one else from that time even knew who I was to be able to contact me now.

I think she confessed out of some form of guilt, but thought I would 'take it better' as she put it. I guess she thought the fact it was a long time ago would mean it was no longer a big deal.
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#62 ·
So are you going to do anything now that you do know what kind of person she is?

For me, a critical part of being married I'd knowing I can trust my wife to have my back.

Her actions say she'll throw you under the bus to get what she wants.

Is the the kind of woman you want with you when older? The kind of person you want deciding to pull the plug or not when you are old and in the hospital?
 
#71 ·
Jonesey, I agree she told me because she knew I was effectively trapped once we had a child. I will never forgive her for taking away my free choice and tricking me into marrying her.
Yeah well, what are ya gonna do? It's not like you can divorce her right?...:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

She's seen no real consequences from you yet and it looks like she never will. So be prepared for the next time this happens because it will be a distinct possibility.

You probably won't even mention divorce the next time either. You'll probably have child(ren) headed to, or in college by then. Or a big fat mortgage on a new house.

How could you even mention a divorce if/when this happens, again?...

I'll bet if it does happen, again. You'll be wishing you would have mentioned a divorce this time...

Awww, but what am I thinking. She would never cheat on you again, right?..............
 
#73 ·
Is hard to believe you would stay with someone who could be so cruel to you. For her to humiliate you like that? Trick you like that?

This is extreme deception, IMO.

BTW, where do you live that your wife could just leave with your child? Go talk to a lawyer that can give you some real answers.
 
#74 ·
Alone

Get your wife drunk one night. Shave off her hair.

When she wakes up angry, confused and feels you took advantage of her tell her this:

"Now you are beginning to understand how I feel by you cheating on me. Dropping your guilt on me and tying me to you via our son with no choice regarding your infidelity.

By shaving your head you have now faced your 1st consequence for your infidelity.

You will not be allowed to grow your hair back until you answer every one of my questions and this matter is resolved to my satisfaction."

I now this seems like a radical approach but all I ask is that you think about it.

She needs to feel consequences for her actions.

Good Luck

HM
 
#75 · (Edited)
Alone,
Okay she’s a great mother, but how can just she sweep away those events without dealing with them first. In order for her to move on, she must first deal with her actions then, and today, and answer every question you ask her. She needs to show true guilt and true remorse, and then take responsibility for her actions. Words turned into actions result in a positive change for the both of you, words without any actions result in what?
 
#78 ·
but the main reason I think she won't cheat again is because, despite the way she is acting about her past cheating, she loves me now and would not risk losing me (yes, I'm sure everyone on here will call me naive).
Yes, it is naive. Because she can keep loving you and still have an affair. From what you describe of her, she seems a bit weird. How she had an affair, how she trapped you into staying with her, how she is obsessed with you and raising the kid...You cannot assume rational and logic with someone like her.


She has not answered any questions. She says asking for details like did she use protection is 'rude' (yeah, I know, crazy). She has honestly told me almost nothing, despite the fact I made it very clear to her I need details to heal.

She said sorry many times, but only over the space of a week or so. She says all she can do is love me now and forever, and promise never to cheat again. She doesn't seem to realise that this is the absolute minimum required to 'move forward together', as she says she wants to do.
Actually this is a direct result of your statement.

D is not an option because of my son, so I guess, by default, I want to reconcile.
 
#80 ·
I have been trying to find out who he is so I can contact him. But all I know is his first name and an old cell phone number that is no longer active. I also think he no longer lives in the country where the affair took place.
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#82 ·
So what am I going to do?

I have no idea. I know I should divorce her, and I want to divorce her. I do not think I can love, trust or respect someone who has treated and is treating me the way she has/is. Not without heavy-lifting on her part at least.

But I cannot divorce because of my son. I will not let him suffer as a result of my poor judgment (in marrying and having a child with his mother).

My parents divorced when I was a child and my brothers and I grew up perfectly fine, so I am not against divorce per se. But in our case, divorce will mean my son has to split time between two countries, and when he is with my wife I will not see him potentially for long periods of time. I will not do that to him.

So, as I have said, I would like to work things out with my wife.

But she doesn't seem to be interested in this. To her, my options are either get over it or divorce. I just wish she would think of our son and take the middle ground of discussing and working things out.

I have tried to discuss her cheating with her about four times, and each time she has exploded with anger and threatened to take our son to Japan. She has even made me promise never to mention it again (I did not promise this).

Obviously her response makes it impossible to talk things through.

I want there to be consequences for her, but because of her crazy response to even (not) talking about it, I am unsure how to go about this.
 
#86 ·
So what am I going to do?

I have no idea. I know I should divorce her, and I want to divorce her. I do not think I can love, trust or respect someone who has treated and is treating me the way she has/is. Not without heavy-lifting on her part at least.

But I cannot divorce because of my son. I will not let him suffer as a result of my poor judgment (in marrying and having a child with his mother).

My parents divorced when I was a child and my brothers and I grew up perfectly fine, so I am not against divorce per se. But in our case, divorce will mean my son has to split time between two countries, and

Don´t worry about that.It cant happen with out your consent...
Read up on this link,and you will be more informed.
Armed with this info.You can easy let her keep bla bla bla
yada yada talk....So please stop let her bullying you any more about that..All custody arrangements are settled in the country of where the child is borne..


Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

when he is with my wife I will not see him potentially for long periods of time. I will not do that to him.

So, as I have said, I would like to work things out with my wife.

But she doesn't seem to be interested in this. To her, my options are either get over it or divorce. I just wish she would think of our son and take the middle ground of discussing and working things out.

I have tried to discuss her cheating with her about four times, and each time she has exploded with anger and threatened to take our son to Japan. Pray that she does..People that does that.Almost always loose custody by default..

She has even made me promise never to mention it again (I did not promise this).

Obviously her response makes it impossible to talk things through. Again check the link

I want there to be consequences for her, but because of her crazy response to even (not) talking about it, I am unsure how to go about this.
 
#83 ·
If your son has passports, then secure them - lock them up somewhere your W can't reach them.

Then go see an attorney about the child custody issues.

Then tell your W that it isn't her way or the highway for you. Tell her that you want the details of her betrayal or you will sue for divorce and primary custody. International child custody treaties give you the law on your side right now.

If you can't live with her crazy control of this situation, then make a logical plan to break that control. See an attorney and map out what you have to do step by step.
 
#84 ·
I am a lawyer and have put measures in place to ensure my son cannot leave the country without my consent.

My concern re trying to get her to talk is her apparent attitude that it would be better to blow up of little family than work through the issue she created. Her past actions have shown she is capable of anything and her attitude now says that if things get to difficult she will leave with no thought for our son.

Her crazy attitude puts me at a severe disadvantage because I will always put my son's happiness before my own.
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