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Wife cheated before marriage

94K views 331 replies 109 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
 
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#100 ·
Given the age of my son, the fact he is still breastfeeding and the fact my wife is primary carer (as a stay-at-home mum), it is highly likely she would be granted primary custody. It is unlikely she would be able to take him to Japan, but even if she cannot, I would not be able to see my son every day, which is something I cannot live with.
 
#91 ·
Has anyone elses' WS confessed and then completely refused to even acknowledge the affair? And how did you get them to acknowledge it?

My wife seriously acts as if nothing happened. For example, just the other day she asked if I remembered some Thai restaurant we visited in Orlando. 'Um yep, we went there the day I caught you cheating and you made me razor my hair.'
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#95 ·
Has anyone elses' WS confessed and then completely refused to even acknowledge the affair? And how did you get them to acknowledge it?

My wife seriously acts as if nothing happened. For example, just the other day she asked if I remembered some Thai restaurant we visited in Orlando. 'Um yep, we went there the day I caught you cheating and you made me razor my hair.'
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Your wife changed the day she had the affair and as I've said before, you have to deal with this FACT NOW! Alone, you have NOT even MANNED-UP to her, have YOU! If there is NO TRUE GUILT than there's NO TRUE REMORSE, I'm going to keep saying this to YOU until you burn those words into your brain. As a LAWYER you of ALL people in the REAL world, and on TAM should know that WORDS have ACTIONS associated with them.

You keep saying “But I cannot divorce because of my son.” Good point, let’s examine that….


(1) So you’re going to live the rest of life with a woman that had an affair, made you the guilt party, humiliate you for a whole year by shaving /cutting your hair and belittle you at every opportunity throughout that year. You get married have child and she confesses to the affair and acts like it was nothing and basically tells you to “Get Over It” and now you’re asking what to do. – Really?

Q. Do want your SON to GROW UP and see the above (1), every time you attempt to STAND UP to your wife, his mother for the rest of HIS life?

If the answer is NO; than MAN-UP and show her the divorce papers OR at least try to MAN-UP and assert yourself as a MAN, HUSBAND and FATHER in this marriage.

If the answer is YES, than your son will watch his FATHER slowly turn into a doormat FATHER, because he’s already a doormat MAN and HUSBAND.

If my words angered you, that was the whole idea! Now take the anger you have for me and transfer it to your disloyal, cheating wife and MAN-UP! If my words failed to anger YOU, than “MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU”!!!!!!
 
#99 ·
Jonesey, thank you for the information on the Hague Convention. I already knew about the Convention but appreciate you bringing it to my attention.

Unfortunately, Japan is not a signatory to the Convention, so it would not help me if my wife took my son to Japan. However, I have put measures in place to ensure he cannot be taken out of the country without my consent.

All of that said, my concern is not that my wife will abduct my son to Japan, but that if we divorce, I will live here and my wife will live in Japan. This will mean one of us will only see our son once or twice a year.

And really, more than that, I’m not sure I am willing to blow our family up even if that ‘just’ results in us divorcing and both living in my country. As the BS, I am willing to work things through for our son. I would have thought she, the WS, would be willing to work things out for our son too, especially as her affair was four years ago.
 
#102 ·
Thank you all for the advice. I agree that I must confront my wife and insist that she deal with the consequences of her cheating. As I have said, before we had a child, the consequence would have been simple – she would have lost me. And another (much nicer) girl would have helped me heal.

But, now we have a child to think about. So my wife is the one who must help me heal. And she should consider it a privilege that I am giving her the opportunity to make things right.

Our relationship can be broken up neatly into three phases:

1) Dating in Japan (2 years)
2) Long-distance dating (2+ years) (when she cheated)
3) Married and living together (2 years)

As a result of her cheating, the first 2 years of our relationship now mean nothing to me. They certainly meant nothing to her when she was with the OM. She was willing to throw them (and me) away, so, I want to wipe all traces of these years from our life.

I also want to wipe all traces of the 2 years we dated long-distance from our life. She cheated during this time, and I will never fully believe anything she says about this time. We were not really a couple. They need to be wiped.

This is not meant as a punishment for her. It is what I need to heal. These times hold no happy memories for me anymore. I never want to be reminded of these times, and will never know what she is thinking when she thinks of these times, so want them erased.

On this basis, this is what I will demand:

• Answers to all my questions (including his full name, the full story of their relationship, full details of the sex, how the relationship ended, etc).
• Marriage counselling.
• She be open to talking about her affair whenever I need.
• A written apology from her, including reasons why she loves me, and why I should still love her.
• A post-nuptial agreement, stipulating that if she cheats again we will divorce and she will lose custody of our son, any other children we have and will not receive anything.
• Throw away our wedding rings (our wedding rings are rings we gave each other just before we started dating long-distance (ie just before she cheated)).
• Throw away all gifts / letters, etc I gave her before she cheated and while we dated long-distance.
• Throw away all things she bought or we bought together while we dated long-distance.
• Throw away/delete all photos of her time while we dated long-distance.
oNote: I have already thrown away/deleted all photos of us from before she cheated and while we dated long-distance (I don’t think she has realised this yet).

Are there other things I should be demanding? Or is this too much?

Also, as I have no way of verifying her story unless I talk to the OM (I assume he will tell the truth given the time that has passed), is it worth holding off confronting her until I can contact him? I have not been able to find out who he is, but still have a few (more expensive) options to exhaust in identifying him.
 
#107 ·
Thank you all for the advice. I agree that I must confront my wife and insist that she deal with the consequences of her cheating. As I have said, before we had a child, the consequence would have been simple – she would have lost me. And another (much nicer) girl would have helped me heal.

But, now we have a child to think about. So my wife is the one who must help me heal. And she should consider it a privilege that I am giving her the opportunity to make things right.

Also, as I have no way of verifying her story unless I talk to the OM (I assume he will tell the truth given the time that has passed), is it worth holding off confronting her until I can contact him? I have not been able to find out who he is, but still have a few (more expensive) options to exhaust in identifying him.
Well said!!!!

I will be threatening divorce if she doesn't agree. She will almost certainly threaten to leave when I bring this up but she has too much to lose by walking away.
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Make sure you remind HER of these words if/when she refuses to accept your terms.
 
#108 ·
I don't think you can demand anything to do with child custody in a post nup. Shouldn't you know this as a lawyer? Even if you put something like that in it the judge/court will overrule it.
 
#110 ·
That's right, but my intention is not to use the agreement as a means of ensuring I gain custody. My intention with the agreement is to gauge her level of commitment to reconciliation. She doesn't know it won't hold up in court, so if she is willing to sign such an agreement it will strongly show her commitment not to cheat again (ie so certain she will not cheat again that she's willing to put everything on the line). For example, I would never cheat and so would have no qualms signing such a document because I know it would never come into play. She needs to show me she feels the same.
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#112 ·
Hi all, sorry for not posting for so long, I've been snowed under at work and don't really have anything to report here anyway.

I've decided not to confront my wife with my demands until I contact the OM. Speaking to him is the only chance I have of learning the truth. I still don't know who he is because I've had no time to look into it with work and caring for my son, but hopefully I'll get the time soon.

On another note, our 6 year dating anniversary is next week. We used to celebrate it but the thought of celebrating anything about our relationship makes me feel sick. I'm not even going to mention the day to my wife. How she acts on the day will be a good indication of whether she's starting to understand the damage she has done to our relationship (ie if she wants to celebrate she still does not understand).
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#121 ·
Hi alone, you asked earlier in the thread if anyone else has experienced the cheating partner and then a refusal to discuss it? I think probably many here have...I have. Though nowhere near as bad as your experience. I will outline how my relationship is under this strain. I hope you will realise that nothing is worth this stress. It really isn't. And to have a future filled with it is really quite miserable. Don't do it. Don't allow her to manipulate you with her outrageous reactions to your completely understandable wishes to discuss.

My man cheated on me, and when I finally found out he discussed it for about a week or a month and then that was it. He shut down. He made me believe that I was crazy, there was something wrong with me for wanting to discuss it, to keep going over it. Every time I brought it up after that first week/month he went mad, got angry, and stomped off home (we didn't live together). It was a certain question I got to that caused him to shut down, and as I came to realise, it was because he was witholding truth from me. His reactions were purely to shut me up and to stop me finding out more truth.

And I was going crazy....through his reactions and NOT my 'unreasonable' demands. We broke up over and over. It was his manipulation of me, making me believe that I was dealing with it all wrong, that brought me here. I read many articles and went to a few infidelity forum's before I found this one. I finally got sick of it and broke it off 'for good'. One month into our break up I finally got that extra bit of truth, which was the reasons for him shutting down on that particular question. It was another month before I ended up seeing him again. I still don't believe I have it all.

He got a lot better but only because I kept dumping him over it. He has been dragged kicking and screaming into fixing this, discussing when I wish to, giving me what I need. But he still has weird reactions to certain things. Thus, I believe he is still lying and witholding truth. We are permanently on and off, always the same things that cause problems between us...and his reactions often off the wall, still gaslights me to make out like I am the one with the problem because I say his explanation makes no sense.

Our relationship is pointless. There is no trust, no honesty, no empathy from him to me regarding this. He is happy so long as I keep my issues with him to myself and not bother him with them. If I do he is often accusatory, though sometimes he will chat willingly. I don't see us going anywhere. I don't see us as having anything meaningful whatsoever. He is a great partner in every way except for this, hence the reasons I have taken so long to give up. Even so, how can there be love if he is lying and witholding truth, which I am positive he is. That's not love. We are off at the moment. I would like to keep it that way. I just can't be bothered anymore. Though I have said that before.

I hope you can find the strength to force your situation. You seem to be in limbo still. Limbo is hell. I believe your wife needs a wake up call. She knows she is on control. And she is abusing that.

I wouldn't count on the fact that she is serious about leaving you. I think it is highly likely she is just manipulating you and has no intention of leaving you. If I were you I would call her out on this. If and when you do confront her again, and she goes wild threatening to leave, start packing her things up and open the door for her so she can. See her reaction. Be prepared to let her leave though. This will not work if you panic and take it all back.

When I first opened the door for my man following the many times he threatened to leave and I asked or pleaded for him not to so we can sort this out, he didn't walk. He came down from his high horse. It was amusing. More than that, it returned some control back to me. That happened several times. When he tells me he is leaving, I say fine, go. Most times he stays. Because his intentions were pure manipulation and nothing more. All designed to shut me up.

I have discovered much about manipulation, and I DO NOT allow myself to be manipulated any longer as I am now aware when it is happening. He knows I don't believe him. And he knows we are on borrowed time, though he hopes for the best (he is a fool!) (but I am the bigger fool for still entertaining him 2+ years post DD. In my defence, he is perfect in every other way, I have never had someone so loving, helpful, funny. He has many many great qualities. And I fancy the pants off him!). I don't plan on continuing with him, regardless of his good qualities. It is not worth the stress and uncertainty. You cannot trust someone who is not honest with you. You cannot fully love without the trust. And without being able to fully love and trust, all else becomes insignificant.
 
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#124 ·
Hi Remains,

Thank you for your very thoughtful post. I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

I know my wife is manipulating me. She has been manipulating me for most of our relationship. She knew I wouldn’t marry her if I knew she had cheated. She also knew I wouldn’t leave her once we had a child. So she waited until we had our son before she told me, despite having plenty of perfect opportunities to tell me about it (e.g when she called off our engagement, twice).

Now she is manipulating me by threatening to leave and take my son if I so much as mention her affair.

Unfortunately though, this is not an empty threat - I am almost certain she will leave if I ask her to discuss her affair.

Why? Because my wife is the most selfish and unreasonable people I have ever met. She does not compromise on anything and has no ability or willingness to communicate about ‘hard’ issues (i.e issues we disagree on or where she might look bad).

As long as I behave exactly as she wants, she is affectionate, encouraging, etc, to the point of being over the top. But the minute I do anything she dislikes or disagree with her, no matter how small, she explodes. If I try to discuss the issue, her response is usually along the lines of ‘If I say I don’t like it, just don’t do it’ and then refuses to listen to my point of view.

I think most worryingly, she also has absolutely no ability reflect on her actions and how they affect others. She has never said sorry to me for anything (aside from saying sorry for cheating, once on d-day), and has never admitted to being in the wrong. She also talks about how bad other people are for doing almost exactly what she does to me, but doesn't seem to realise what she's saying could apply to her behaviour (e.g. lying about important things before marriage). It's like she doesn't realise how she acts.

So, when she says she will leave, based on her character and past behaviour, I believe her.

And because I received legal advice that I will not win primary custody and may not be able to prevent her taking my son to Japan, I will remain in limbo, because I will not lose my son.
 
#123 ·
Japanese cultural norms are very different than US. She may have thought that her confession cleared everything up.

You lived in Japan for two years. Do you speak the language? What language do you communicate in?

Does she have friends?

What aspirations does she have?

Is she rigid in every way?

Does she consider you a crazy foreigner?

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#125 ·
LongWalk,

I don’t know whether she thought her simple ‘I had sex with some guy once’ confession would clear everything up (and yes, that is all she really told me). I think she never meant to confess, and just blurted it out when she was sleep deprived and slightly depressed post-baby, so never gave any thought to how much she would need to disclose. This is one of the reasons why, despite her confessing out of the blue, I do not believe her when she says it was only once.

In any case, I made it abundantly clear to her that I need details and to discuss what happened. She flat out refused.

To answer your questions:

1) I speak a bit of Japanese, but my wife is fluent in English so that is what we mainly speak.

2) She has lots of friends, both Japanese and western. She makes friends very easily.

3) Her aspirations? She used to model and is a trained as a translator, but now she wants to focus on being a mother. She wants to stay at home at least until our son (and any further children) reach school age. Whatever she does, she wants to put our children first.

4) See my reply to Remains above. She is very bossy and uncompromising, in every way.

5) She doesn’t think I’m a crazy foreigner. Her, her family and friends all think I'm great.
 
#127 ·
Alone, this is coming from someone who not only worked many years for a large Japanese company (spending many years in Japan and making many Japanese friends) but also who has relatives married to Japanese women etc. What I am about to say may or may not offer help/clarity but here it is: Japanese men and women view sex differently to Europeans and Westerners. That's for starters. Especially before actually being married. It is not seen as much of a big deal. While your wife may have known it was a big deal for you and hence the secrecy and silence in her mind it was not that big a deal. I have friends who have competed for the same woman right until the marriage when she finally settled down with one of them (I found this absurd but it was acceptable to them). It may be that she did what she did because it wasn't a big deal to her (no excuse I know). Also having done this, and for the same reasons above, I would imagine that she did not see the reason to tell you and everything that you have said about her being calculating etc would definitely apply. Now that she has told you, what is kicking in is a certain Japanese arrogance that I had to come to terms with when I was there which somehow combines "enough besmirching my honour" with "get over it" with "I'm with you, aren't I?" with "what's the big deal" with "I am just as happy raising this kid in Japan if you make things tough for me". So from where I sit, I can kind of understand her behaviour, unacceptable as it may be. One of the other things that I paid close attention to was the absence of love in so many marriages there (there was respect but not love really). That is not to say that Japanese women do not fall in love - they do and for all kinds of reasons and traits in a man. It just appears that this is not necessarily why they marry ? I don't really know what your situation is. In the case of my relative, his Japanese wife (then girlfriend) respected his superior intellect (he is a real brainbox) and fell in love with him for that. He mastered Japanese in less than 3 months etc. I know that parts of this post may sound racist but it is simply based on my observations and don't really know if it helps you but I thought I would offer it anyway. Please forgive me if it offends.
 
#128 ·
Just to add, divorcing her and her returning to Japan would not be great for her. There would be many to say "we told you so" with respect to marrying "foreigners". Also I am sure she had reasons for wanting to be with you and those will be shot down (whatever they were, love, admiration ...). I agree with the others that you do need to display the backbone and honour that the 180 promotes and others are suggesting as this is the only thing that she will respect. Also, as they are all saying you need to be able to lose her to win her. I am just surprised that your government is not willing to help you secure your son.
 
#135 ·
After almost 2 years of trying to identify the OM, I think I may have finally found out who he is/what he looks like. From what I can tell, he was and still is a party boy, a player, a loser - the complete.opposite of me. I can't believe my wife chose him over me, even for a night, and when I finally divorce her (not any time soon but once my son is grown) I can't wait to ask her if he was worth it.
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#153 ·
Lay out more of what you know about this guy, how you found out and what it took to collect the info.
 
#137 ·
My wife refuses to discuss, or even acknowledge, her affair. She has made it very clear that she will divorce me if I even mention what she did. It would make me the happiest man in the world to never see her again, but I have been advised that if we divorce, I will only see my son for a few hours each weekend (no overnight stays), and there is a high chance she would be allowed to relocate him to Japan (her home country).

I will not lose my son, so I am staying. It's not easy, but I don't feel I have any other choice at this point.
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#138 ·
My wife refuses to discuss, or even acknowledge, her affair. She has made it very clear that she will divorce me if I even mention what she did. It would make me the happiest man in the world to never see her again, but I have been advised that if we divorce, I will only see my son for a few hours each weekend (no overnight stays), and there is a high chance she would be allowed to relocate him to Japan (her home country).

I will not lose my son, so I am staying. It's not easy, but I don't feel I have any other choice at this point.
"Lose" your son's passport and divorce your wife.
 
#139 ·
See a lawyer and find what a fathers rights are. If you are in the US, she can not just take your son legally.
You know your son will grow up in a household that mommy and daddy do not love each other. Once he figures it out, he will you know, he will carry that into his future relationships.
Look into a separation then.
 
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