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Wife cheated before marriage

94K views 331 replies 109 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
 
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#141 ·
Prepare yourself now. Play the long game.

First, check out dadsdivorce.

Next, start squirreling away monies and assets so that you are protected if you divorce.

And, no joint loans, debts, etc.

You realize, or should realize, that if you stay for the next 15+ years, you're going to be hit with major spousal support if by then she's not working/sick/cripple/etc. And by then, like frog in boiling water, you'll be so acclimatized to the situation, that you may never leave.

Are you still having sex with her? If so, she may get pregnant again. Are then going to wait till that child is 18? You'll not leave her till she's 60+?

If no sex, that's a tough monastic life for you. What does your wife think about that? Is she going back to her playboy ex-lover for tune-up once in a while?
 
#142 ·
Alone24,

Your situation sucks...but unfortunately you are the only one who can force changes and will not do so out of fear.

My maternal grandfather did what you are doing...stayed for his child (my mom)...even raised POSOM's A child....and had 50 + years of misery and unhappiness.

I certainly hope you have informed your W that you never intend to have another child with her.

She has essentially trapped you into a M with her deception...she refuses to help you cope with the situation you find yourself in by addressing and working through her A.

She uses your fear against you to stay, and expects you to just sweep it under the rug and be a good husband to her.

At the very least, you should tell her you will never have another child with her...that is her price to pay for trapping you in an unhappy M and then refusing to help you repair it.

She may see fixing the M in a different light if she realizes she will pay a price here too...she will lose the ability to have the future children she wants.

Maybe, with her selfishness, she has to see and understand the price she will pay for what she is allowing to continue....she might not care much about your needs/wants, but I doubt she will ignore her own.

Tell her....no more children EVER if your M stays broken.
 
#143 ·
I forgot what country you are living in(was your Son born there, or in Japan?), but it doesn't seem right that she would be able to take your son to Japan without your signature on some document.

You are the one that's keeping this wreck of a marriage alive. She only has a say because you allow her to. Find out if she can really/legally take him to Japan.

And stop being such a doormat.
 
#147 ·
I am in Australia. My son was born here but is a dual citizen.

I have received advice from a family lawyer, and am a lawyer myself and have gone through cases and precedents to ascertain my rights in the event of a divorce. I was advised that if I D I will not win custody of my son. Further, during the dispute, I can prevent my wife taking my son to Japan, but once she wins custody she can apply to the court to relocate my son to Japan, and if the court grants her permission, there is nothing I can do about it. There is a high chance this permission will be granted, so I cannot D.
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#145 ·
I can't believe my wife chose him over me, even for a night, and when I finally divorce her (not any time soon but once my son is grown) I can't wait to ask her if he was worth it.
Yeah it would be worth it for her. a free ride for 18 years blackmailing you into being the breadwinner while she has no consequences or accountability for her actions. Bossy women tend to marry men who they can easily control. I guess she choose right.

By the time your son is grown your going to find another excuse to rugsweep. ex. I'm to old to find a new partner, I learned to deal with it, If I divorce now she'll get my....... so on and so on
 
#146 · (Edited)
This has got to be the most perfect thread I have ever read in TOTALY justifying someone reading MMSLP, putting into action and moving into a successful life.

Oh wow

Oh wow.

Life needs testosterone and testicles... Without them, you have this.

Either that or your are perfectly matched for her non-stop abuse. BTW, her behavior is in no way normal or acceptable in Japan. How about with you...?

Wow...
 
#150 ·
I am not scared of my wife. I am scared about what the legal system will allow her to do. And I'm scared of someone with no morals, empathy or compassion raising my son without me to keep her in check.

My situation has nothing to do with a lack of testosterone or testicles, and has everything to do with a legal system that will take my son from me. Some mothers and fathers may accept not seeing their children everyday to get out of an unhealthy relationship and I respect that choice, but in my situation, the certainty of losing my son combined with my wife's poor character for raising a child, means I cannot go down that route.
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#152 ·
I'm sorry to here that.

I would have a very hard time sticking it out like you have and will possibly have to continue to.

You are a stronger man than I my friend.

I'm guessing that a prenup stating that if she was to cheat again, you have the final say as to if she can take your Son to Japan is not doable, huh?
 
#162 ·
It is taking every ounce of my self-control not to tell my wife exactly what I think of her, and divorce her immediately. I hate cheaters, and it goes against everything I believe in to stay married to one. Every minute, I look forward to the day I never have to see or talk to her again.

As for a post-nup, my wife won't even acknowledge her affair, so that is completey out of the question. It wouldn't hold up legally, but she doesn't know that and it would mean a lot for her to sign something like that. But it's never going to happen.
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#156 ·
What kind of woman dangles the threat of taking a man's son and running away to another country if she doesn't get her way?

Is this something you can really live with long term, 24?

I admit though, this is a helluva spot to be in.
 
#166 ·
I am a very good actor. Everyone, including my wife, thinks I absolutely adore her. I know the damage treating my wife poorly could do to my son, and I am being very careful not to let him see anything other than a loving household.

Plus if my wife thinks i love her, it will hurt so much more when I am finally able to divorce her.
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#171 ·
Alone, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't think I could leave either if I knew my kids would be with a bad father for 95% of the time.

For some reason I thought Australia was a lot farther along regarding dad's rights. At what age do you think your son will have to be for you to leave your wife? Will you have to wait until 18?
 
#179 ·
I agree 100% that I shouldn’t have shaved my head. I also admit that I should’ve left my wife then. But at the time I was 22 years old, completely in love, and though I had wrongly accused my fiancé of cheating on me. I would have done almost anything to prove I was sorry.

Does that mean I wouldn’t leave her now if we didn’t have a son? Absolutely not. I was a naïve and trusting 22 year old, but even then, if I had known she had cheated, I would have left. She knew this – that’s why she didn’t tell me until I was trapped with her child. If we didn’t have a son, I would be gone.
 
#186 ·
OP

If d is not an option due to the custody issue. Are you sure you want to rule out a proper R.

I understand she gets mad. Can you try reframing in a way that would lead to an honest attempt at R and not a fake r on your end?

Could you try telling her you want the family with her but need to deal with this Then find a competent counselor.

I am not a lawyer and you seem to know that end. What age would your son need to be before the judge would not allow him to be moved since his home and friends are established. That would be a shift in the balance so to speak.

The way you are planning to move forward does not sound healthy for any involved. I understand your motive but think the method could be reconsidered.
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#203 ·
workingdad, given I have decided to stay, a proper R is exactly what I want.

However, my wife is not 100% not interested in that. About 8 months ago (more than 1 year post d-day) was the last time we spoke about her affair. This is what happened:

My wife told me how her friend met her husband. I said it was nice to hear a nice love story (hoping to imply our story was not nice – I know how terrible of me, and more seriously, yes, I know being passive-aggressive about this is not the answer, but it’s all I’ve got).

My wife completely lost it, said our relationship was over, and organised to meet a divorce lawyer the following day. Before she saw the lawyer, we had a ‘talk’.

I tried to explain how I was still feeling – that I was completely heartbroken by what she had done, that I can’t get over her cheating without discussing it, and that her attitude post d-day has made everything worse.

She did not to listen to anything I said (sat with either an angry or indifferent look on her face as I spoke). She again told me to get over it or she will leave and take our son. She refused to provide details of her affair (like who the OM is) because she thinks I am being voyeuristic and disgusting. She also refused marriage counseling because it would not benefit her, and said my pain is my problem.

So as not to lose my son, I managed to placate her, and things went immediately back to ‘normal’, as if the day – her threats of divorce, my admission that I am still in pain, the horrible things she said – never happened.

I have not mentioned her affair since, and I have realised that she will never take responsibility for her affair and help me heal, something I was hoping would happen in time.

I’m not quite sure what age the balance will tip towards my son staying, because that will depend on numerous factors, but everything else being equal, the older and more settled he is here, the more likely it is he won’t be relocated. So, the longer I wait, the more leverage I have to force a proper R. That said, the longer I wait, the more I resent my wife for making me live in this pain.
 
#188 ·
Damn, I think I know who this WW is. Or someone exactly like her.

I have an American friend who married a Japanese girl. Pretty and proper image when you meet her. She was an only child born into a very rich family. She did the usual entitled things and partied hard.

They got Married. Only she did not change her ways from wild single days to the responsibilities of Marriage and children. She hid it, but he eventually caught her with some POSOM.

They D, share the kids, he is primary, but she's history. After a few years, he found a really decent lady and re-married. NOW, he's living happily after and the XWW is still the hyper-entitled party girl. Rich daddy there to support her and soften any hard falls. The XWW is living a life of money and illusion. No hope of a wake-up call. Ever.
 
#191 ·
So - do I have the root of this correct:

Your wife cheated on you while you were apart, before you were engaged. She confessed to you 6 years after the fact. You have a child, and it appears you are thinking about divorce.

If this is correct, my suggestion is to forgive her, get over it, and go to counseling. This all happened before you made legal commitments. yes, your feelings are hurt, and trust has taken a big hit. But you are at two different points in the "getting over it" process. For her, this was long ago - she's not the same person. For you, it's more recent.

If this is not correct, I apologize. But if you want to end your marriage, I hope there are other reasons besides your wife had sex with someone else before you were engaged. Take it from me, being a divorced dad sucked. Maybe it's best in some cases, but be sure the reasons that you go down that route are a big enough deal for you, because it's a lot of heartache.
 
#204 ·
You have it partly correct, but have left out many important details.

Yes, my wife cheated while we dated long-distance, shortly before we were engaged (although I cannot confirm she didn’t cheat after we were engaged). However, at that stage, we had been dating for 2 years, were talking about marriage, had clearly agreed to be exclusive, and I was home studying law to prepare for our future together (at her request).

You also left out the fact that at the time she was cheating, I confronted her and she lied to my face and punished me relentlessly for questioning her faithfulness.

Or the fact that she was having unprotected sex with some party boy(s) and didn’t bother to tell me she took a HIV test.

You also left out that fact that if she had told me, I would have told her to f*ck off and never spoken to her again.

And yes, she confessed long after she cheated (more like 3 ½ years than 6 though), 3 months after our son was born (thereby ensuring I was trapped in the marriage).

But you left out that since then, she has refused to provide any details of her cheating, and threatens to take my son to Japan if I even act as if anything has changed in our relationship.

And you’re right; we are at two different points in the “getting over it” process. She has nothing to get over - she got to go and have fun, and sex, with some loser while I studied away in some library, setting up our life together.

But she is not a different person now. She was an unremorseful, selfish b*tch then, and she’s an unremorseful, selfish b*tch now.

And you’re right, I don’t want to be a divorced dad. But I don’t want to be married to an unremorseful cheater either. I would like her to care about how much she has hurt me and help me, but she doesn’t and won’t. I would like to get over this and forgive her, but I don’t even know what I’m forgiving.

I wish I could do what you are suggesting, but I cannot.
 
#192 ·
You know Jack, your post makes more sense than any other. Old alone's likely been harping about it since his old lady told him and she has told him to shut the hell up or she's history. I can't say I blame her. I bet she wishes she'd kept her mouth shut.
My thoughts, and I don't claim to know the nature of their relationship before the "engagement", is there no duty to not date others short of at least a clear and mutual agreement. This business that appears once and awhile to the nature of, "we been dating three weeks when she went out clubbing and cheated on me" is really perplexing; give the word possessive a new meaning.
 
#193 ·
I believe that Alone said that if he had knew about her cheating on him before they got married, he would have called it off.

So he feels that he was tricked into marrying and having a child with a woman that would not have done this with if he had known.

I see the OP's point and agree. He'd have already left if it weren't for his 2 year old Son.

Between a rock 'n' a hard place.
 
#194 ·
She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!).
So she trapped you into marriage. Nice


However, she refuses to discuss what happened.
Ok, so she drops the bomb on you, you now know you have been trapped, and she thinks she gets to call the shots??

This isn't going to end well.....for her hopefully.


She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.
WHAT??? She gets to drop a bomb on you and not expect you to have questions? She just wants to get away with it.

Ok, you need to divorce her. But do it quietly. If you do, consult an attorney without her knowing it and document her threats to take your child so the attorney can head it off at the pass.


But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.
I'm just going to say it. My brother, you are married to a complete unapologetic, ruthless, and cold hearted b!tch. You need to free yourself from her and protect your rights as a father.

Document her threats, but don't let her know you are doing it.


I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me.
She is, that I can guarantee.

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
Well you can do something about her taking him out of the country, but you have to get an attorney on that ahead of time without her knowledge.

As far as not seeing your son every day? Join the club of fathers who lose that joy at the hands of POS cheating women like yours and my x-wife. It is what it is. We are the fathers. We get the shaft no matter how much of an immoral POS our wives are.


- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
That's why you see an attorney immediately and document her threats. Get the biggest bulldog of an attorney and preferably one that specializes in father's rights.


- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother.
Bullsh!t. A selfless mother doesn't threaten to take her child away from his father. Selfless mothers(and fathers who cheat for that matter) do not cheat and risk the well being of their child's family life. Don't make excuses for her.

My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

The fact that she popped this on you, refuses to talk about it, and is threatening taking away your child if you act any differently(as if you are suppose to just forget it and get over it), tells me that she probably wants out anyway, and I'll go you one further, I would be willing to bet she is cheating now and has at other points in the marriage.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?
Only way you MIGHT get her to talk is to go see an attorney, consult him/her as to what you should do and possibly have paperwork drawn up documenting the threat of taking your son away and the consequences if she does.

She needs to know you aren't going to take this crap and that her threats are going to backfire on her somehow.

But honestly, why do you want such a wench? Sorry if that offends you, but it shouldn't. You deserve better than this.

Go see an attorney immediately and don't let her know about it. Build a case, spring it on her so she has no time to think about it and she'll be scrambling.
 
#200 ·
Absolutely not. The second I learned she had cheated, all my feelings of love and respect for her vanished. Nothing will ever change the fact that this is a deal breaker for me.

Even if we 'properly' R'd (ie she put in all the hard work required to help me heal), I will never love her again and will most certainly divorce her in the future. I look forward to the day.
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#206 ·
Since you are determined to stay in this situation for your son, I think you should do the following.

Distance yourself from her through a softened version of the 180. Discuss necessities and the kid with her, but do so unemotionally and do not display affection.

Start going out more to do your own thing with friends.

When she gets possessive and jealous and starts questioning where you are, tell her to stop being 'voyeuristic' and mind her own business....it should be enough for her that you are there providing for the family's needs and helping her with the daily routine.

Your hobbies and personal interests are yours alone.
 
#209 ·
It's due to locality. The entire physics of it determines that someone who is physically closer will over time have a better odds of getting a closer connection to her, it could even be a single female girlfriend.

It would take a hardened TAM member to withstand and be strong for a long term relationship. But the rest of the world, everyone will be convincing your long distance relation partner to live their life and have fun.
 
#210 ·
Alone, I get and feel your pain. I also know quite a bit about the Japanese culture having worked for them and in Japan on and off for 10 years. The women can be quite cold when it comes to dealing with exposing their wrong doings. She would not pull this sh!t with a Japanese man.

Are you absolutely sure that she will be able to abscond with your son to Japan. Have you taken any legal advice on this in Australia ? I would have thought that the Australian government would protect its own.

I would really spend your energy in determining just how easy or difficult it would be for her to attempt this.
 
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