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Wife cheated before marriage

94K views 331 replies 109 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.

8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.

She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).

When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.

She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.

However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.

But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.

I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).

So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.

So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.

What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?

I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
 
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#294 ·
The Japanese are raised to be compartmentalyzers. It's in their DNA. It's cultural.

The premarital sex meant nothing to her. It was just sex. No emotion or feeling. This is why she cannot understand why the OP is making such a big deal out of it. She doesn't feel she did anything wrong.
No, it didn't mean nothing to her. She told me she liked the guy, that they'd been hanging out for a month or so before sleeping together. So really, since I was in another country, she had another boyfriend.

But you're right, she didn't think it was wrong to cheat (otherwise why would she?) and doesn't think it's a big deal.
 
#296 · (Edited)
Hummm sounds like she just fills a role.

Do you think she told you out of guilt or does she resent you and want to emasculate you?

Does she know she may end up alone?

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#298 ·
Thanks for replying.

Maybe something will click for her at some point.
You guys have a lot of living ahead of you.

Hey your is you son walking now?
Ha ha I remember those years.

They were fascinating and fun times.

Even with the situation as it is if you are going to stay for now try not to have a child centered marriage, you may be glad one day you invested in it.

I do wish you well.
Take care!
 
#299 ·
Thanks for replying.

Maybe something will click for her at some point.
You guys have a lot of living ahead of you.

Hey your is you son walking now?
Ha ha I remember those years.

They were fascinating and fun times.

Even with the situation as it is if you are going to stay for now try not to have a child centered marriage, you may be glad one day you invested in it.

I do wish you well.
Take care!
I really hope something clicks for her, but I am not holding out hope. She is very, very self-centered and doesn't seem to be able to self-reflect.


Yes, my son is walking, and talking. He's just over 2 now is a wonderful little person. Everyday he does or says something that makes me laugh. I love him more than anything and seeing him everyday is worth the pain staying is causing me.


I do not love my wife, and do not enjoy spending time alone with her, so we have a completely child centered marriage. I wish this wasn't the case, and I'm willing to invest in the marriage, but she isn't.
 
#302 ·
Long time between drinks for me on here. Nothing has changed though.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. What a joke. We didn't celebrate, although she did acknowledge it.

Then, to top it off, my wife wouldn't stop talking about how stupid one of her friends is for dating a guy who used to date another one of her friends a long time ago (like, in high school or something) and maybe cheated on her. She thinks the guy is scum and the friend deserves better. And she can't believe the friend would date him now when she knew he was maybe a cheater.

I was at a loss for words. So she's incredibly worried a friend is dating someone who maybe cheated on a different girl in high school, but it's fine for me to marry her, who cheated on, lied to, and manipulated me into marrying her.

Unbelievable!

And sorry, I just needed to vent.
 
#306 ·
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. What a joke.

Unbelievable!
You have said it yourself.
Let it sink in, believe it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#303 ·
Your wife sounds a bit narcissistic. I am sure she has her good qualities, but is she really a long term partner material? Take love and emotions out of the equation, is she the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Unfortunately, love does not care about our partner's flaws, how they make us suffer at times, and it makes it seem illogical in why we stay with the person we are with. Have you tried detaching and go to counseling? The more you do things that bond with her, the harder it is to detach. Anyways, sounds like you have a marriage without the relationship. I am newer here, so I did not read your story at all, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you. Life is precious, so I hope you find a fulfilling life.
 
#321 ·
To be honest, you're right. I had one deal breaker - cheating - and she's already done that, so the relationship and marriage is dead as far as I'm concerned, and I really don't care what she does now (provided it doesn't affect my son).

I have no intention of staying until my son is 18 though. I'm just staying long enough to ensure I get custody.
 
#309 ·
Alone,

I am relatively new here. Since August. I find most of the posters on here to be spot on, despite disagreements with a few, they are all well intended. I know some can't stand me.

None-the-less, I notice your initial post is two years old. I am saddened to see you still going through issues after this long.

Your post this morning rang volumes to me that after 2 years, you still don't have peace, your wife is showing not much remorse but she imposes the values that your relationship has on others.
I am sorry for the infidelity you have suffered

Several questions

1) Are you sure she has been loyal throughout your marriage ?
2) Has she ever shown remorse for her actions and if so, how much ?
3) Do you feel her moral values are in line now or is she being practical with others and not you ?
4) What actions are you willing to take now to solidify things with your marriage ? or part with them ?
 
#323 ·
Thanks for your thoughtful post.

To answer your questions:

1. I don't think my wife has cheated since we got married. I'm not certain the one time she confessed to is the only time she cheated while we were dating/engaged, especially as a lot of this time was a long-distance relationship.

2. She had shown no remorse for what she did. She has refused to acknowledge my pain or answer any questions about what she did. From the day after d-day she has threatened to leave if I mention her cheating or even act sad.

3. Her morals have not changed. She has always known what's right and wrong. She is incredibly selfish and thinks she can do whatever she likes. That hasn't changed.

4. I live with constant pain and anger, but I want to stay in the marriage for my son for as long as I can. So I would be willing to go to counselling or do anything to work on things with my wife. My wife is not interested in putting any effort into our relationship though.

And of course, I'm only interested in putting in effort until my son is old enough for me to leave. Even if my wife did everything right from here, it's too late. She's already proven how little she cares about me and I refuse to grow old with someone like that.
 
#310 ·
Have you DNA'd your kid yet? Saying he's yours and looks like you is not a DNA test.

Damn... Cheating a couple times admitting, no consequences, knowing if she told you you'd dump her. Sounds like a cheater eh?

So dump her already.

And you better not cheat you know, she'll dump your scrawny a$$...
 
#314 ·
You know the legal system where you are. Become friends with the judges, golf, dinners, bars, whatever they do.

Get on the inside, then slowly let them know. Get a deal and understanding going. Then file.

Chess, not checkers...
 
#315 ·
If you have not already done so, DNA the child. It is cheap, painless, and private. Your wife does not need to participate. Spend a few minutes on google looking at paternity testing. I did it with mine, anyone can check.

Staying in a sham of a marriage where you are disrespected... is that the example you want to set for your child?

You can be divorced and be a great parent.

Only you can decide if you are going to force her to deal with the issue and attempt a real R, live in misery, or file and move on with your life.

The decision is yours and I hope you find peace.
WD
 
#318 ·
If the OPs wife is japanese then he has a legitimate fear of his wife taking his son away and not ever seeing him again. At least until he became an adult.

The Japanese have a wretched cultural practice where a mother can up and leave and shut a father out of a child life.

The Hague convention is pretty useless as he would still need to petition through the legal system in Japan.
 
#320 · (Edited)
You need to get the i don't give a fcvk attitude. I love my kids, but **** I don't give a fcvk, I am not staying with this woman. Sorry. I need to see my kid everyday sounding weak is what got you in this in the first place, less lovey dovey and more strength to overcome this sham of a marriage, grow a backbone man, you will see you kid, so what if you don't see him everyday, wait till he is older and you don't care to see his tween attitude LOL...anyways, staying for a kid is the worse reason.

Kids are so adorable when there young. Once they get older there still lovable but can be a total pain in the ass. Which means your going to be annoyed, pissed and probably ready to give up when he totally ignores you or sees how your treating his mom. Boys are very tight with Moms. Your wasting away your life. Leave the women, get joint custody, I know you can do it.

You don't want to fight the fight, because I can't live without seeing my kid everyday comment, ugh I just threw up a little. I didn't throw up a little by the way because of your love for your child, but the sacrifices your making for your child is very dumb. Your hurting him by having a bad relationship with your wife, pretending that you love your wife is not the right way to act around your kid.

Next on the news at 6, Alone, murders his entire family because he went crazy. These are the most unhealthy relationships and the cause for murder/suicide. People like you that can't make tough decisions are an embarrassment to mankind.
 
#326 ·
I'm tempted to say something like the OP should pick up his son from school one day and just disappear. I'm tempted to say that after disappearing the OP should move to another country where it would not only be difficult to find them but that it would be difficult for the OP's wife to run off to Japan with their son. I'm tempted to say that the OP should find a good woman in that country and live a happy life raising the son in a happy stress free household. I'm tempted to say these things but I won't because they're "wrong."
 
#328 ·
Whew!

It's a good thing you didn't succumb to your temptations...
and say any of those things. :D

But seriously, the legal way would be for the OP to find himself a position in country where the laws prevent his W from hauling the kid off to Japan, then set up residence and divorce her. Hint...US or maybe even Canada.
 
#330 ·
I think your wife has the ability to think long term, but as you say all her thinking is how to improve her life. Read Rollo's Rational Male blog to get a better understanding of her rationale.

From what your have written about your sex life, i suspect your wife has firmly put you in the 'beta bucks' category. She had sex with the other guy because she had a primal attraction towards him and dont believe for a single second that it was only the one time. You say your sex life is lacklustre and I think it is because she does not have the same attraction for you. It is just another household chore for her.

But when it came to marrying, she decided to marry you because you are a good provider. you can take a lot of abuse and she can dominate you.

You need to make concrete plans. First of all, stop funding her frequent trips back to Japan. Just tell her there is no money. Is there a way for you to reduce your working hours and work part time. Tell her to get a job. She needs to experience some discomfort. everything is set in a plate for her. Reduce your standard of living.
Yes she will threaten divorce and maybe go through with it. But i think she will try to win you back later even after intially going through the motions of divorce. because she needs you to have this life.

Once you stop being afraid of her trump card, she has nothing else to fight with. stay steadfast and tell her your conditions to reconcile, like counselling and full disclosure. then when you son is a bit older, divorce her and dont look back
 
#332 ·
Hi Alone24, sorry to have you here.

I have got to say that I have seen this before in Japanese women (not to say that they all behave like that). They tend to put personal security and well-being ahead of all other considerations. I worked in Japan for many years and got to know a little bit about them in the 1980's. My real issue is with you "wasting" your prime young years like this and it is very admirable that you are doing this for your son (a very mature way of thinking but soul destroying, nevertheless).

You should be enjoying these years as they should be remembered as the wonder years of family life and instead you are filled with resentment.

Cheaters in general tend to minimise their past transgressions and there is a strong possibility that she slept with him more than once. And probably didn't think much of it because in her mind, you two were not married (not sure what engagements mean in her culture). I do not really understand why she suddenly came clean with you but the chances are high that he was a potential replacement for you and she was "testing" the waters with sex being one of the tests. In the end she (in my opinion, clinically) chose you.

My question to you is even if you had not found out about the cheating, did you not detect a certain "lack of passion/emotion" in her in general ? I suspect that you would find this lacking in time anyway and would eventually split from her. So why did she really come clean ? I don't fully understand the "conscience bothering her" bit. Unless there is more to her than I perceive. How did you guys meet ? Why was she not pursuing Japanese men as many Japanese women do ?
 
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