I've been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years, married 2+ years, and we have a 11 month old son. We're from different countries and now live together in my home country. We're both 27.
8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.
She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).
When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.
She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.
However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.
But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.
I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).
So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.
So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.
What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?
I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.
8 months ago, my wife confessed out of the blue to cheating on me before we were married. She cheated 2 years into the relationship, immediately after we started dating long-distance, and about a month before we got engaged (we started dating LD to make it easier to eventually live together). At this time, we were very serious and were talking often about marriage.
She says she liked the OM, spent a lot of time with him for a month, kissed him on one occasion, and had sex with him on one occasion. She said she called it off after that and didn't see him again (hard to believe as as far as I know they lived in the same apartment complex and worked for the same large company).
When she cheated we were were living in different countries (and very different timezones) so I had no idea anything was going on. I visited her after 4 months apart and we got engaged. On that trip, she let me use her phone and I found an old text from a guy calling her 'hon'. I asked her who he was and she went absolutely insane, threated to break up with me for not trusting her, etc. And to show my remorse, she made me razor my hair. Because I felt so awful for (sort-of) accusing her I razored my hair at her insistance for 1 year. And anytime I complained (because I absolutely hated it), she would say 'Remember what you did?'. Now, it turns out she was cheating and I was punished for catching her.
She said she didn't confess at the time because she knew I would leave her (correct!). She said she told me now because she feels guilty about what she did.
However, she refuses to discuss what happened. She will not answer any of my questions, and has threatened to leave me and take our son to her home country if I act as if anything has changed between us.
But I am completely devestated by what she did - the cheating, the lying, my punishment, telling me after we had a child (thereby trapping me), and refusing to acknowledge my pain now.
I also have a feeling she is lying about the very little she did tell me. For example, says she used protection, but I know she secretly ordered a home HIV-test kit about 9 months after when she said she cheated (the test never got delivered though and she does not have HIV).
So I feel stuck/trapped. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me. I would have left her if I had known about this before we had our son. So, I want to D, but cannot because of my son, for a number of reasons:
- I will not do anything that could jeopardise my ability to see him everyday
- we are from different countries, so if we D one of us will only see our son very infrequently
- despite the cheating, my wife is a great, selfless mother. My son needs her in his life everyday too.
So I don't know what to do. If I act as if nothing has changed things seem ok but I am (secretly) sad all the time. I thought it might get easier but it's been 8 months and it isn't.
What should I do? How can I get my wife to talk about what happened so I can get some closure and move on? And if she won't talk, how can I cope without the answers I need?
I have no one to talk to about this, so would really appreciate any suggestions.