AZMOMOFTWO

For those of you who have been reading my posts and offering advice, thank you. This forum has been the best therapy for me since this all started about 16 months ago.

I started posting before I discovered my H's affair (both EA and PA) he had stated he "might" want out. I thought I could fix it, tried real hard made a big difference but he was still running around with her until last Aug when I found out for sure and told him to leave. He broke it off with her and we've been working on rebuilding since then.

It is a tough road, tougher than I ever thought possible. Sometimes I am stronger than I thought then some times I think how I am not strong enough. Its a roller coaster. I have my ups and downs and have bouts of depression completely related to what he did.

Its not a single incident, he began with an EA then it progressed to a PA and it lasted for many many months, and he carried on in front of me thinking that if it were out in the open how could I suspect. It got increasingly worse, he would invite her to family functions (she was the babysitter and he always used the excuse the kids asked her..) and it angers me to think he used them in this. He broke off all communication when I discovered but then decided to reply to several of her emails about 3 days later then it hit him "what am I doing, I don't want this" he shut down the email account and never looked back.

He did admit everything but it took many months to pry all the details out, that was very hurtful to me though I understand he was scared to death if I knew it all, I would not have taken him back. I think he's right. Its been lot.

Beyond the affair itself the other things that hurt me deeply were the many times they met for lunch, he looked at another place to live and she went with him. Though he swore he told them he was going to live alone they treated her like she'd live there too and gave her a tour of the property. (I figured he must have greated her like she was his girlfriend- she met him there he'd finished up tour and they went out again). He also admitted - very reluctantly - to saying some negative things about me to her. They had sex in our house in our bed while I was away. And he lied to me the entire time, telling me that "we are fine, everything is great".

These things continue to pop back up in my head and I do see that he has changed. Actually I think back to the last few months before I discovered for sure and he was angry, sullen, withdrawn, basically unlikeable. It was noticeable, my 9 year old wrote me letters asking "what is wrong with Dad, he's like another person". He is no longer that today. He is very positive, supportive, back to the man I married.

Which brings me to this, I noticed many of you who talk about being cheated on, you bring up depression. My H seemed to me very depressed while he was cheating. This makes me understand that when something is missing within someone they will lash out at those closest and hurt them. This is exactly what he did. I kept reaching out trying to help, he'd strike out (metaphorically) at the hand I stretched out.

So I think that is what I am learning to heal from and learning to trust again. Its a slow process, let me tell you I fantasize about driving the car in a direction and never stopping...of course I wouldn't do that but I think it!

I know my personality is one that hangs on to hurt. My whole life if someone had hurt me in some way, I tended to put up the walls and never let it happen again. I would break off the friendship. My Mom used to say if you "got on her list, she crossed you right off and moved on.." a weakness definately. I am an incredibly loyal person, will do just about anything for someone I love and never ever would I have cheated on him (and I have had a few opportunities) it just isn't something I could do. Even when I found out he was cheating on me. I figured need to throw him out and finalize divorce before dating....but others don't think same as me.

I had one friend I confided this in about H's infidelity and she promised not to tell anyone. I know she told at least 3 people. I would never have done that. So I guess i don't understand true loyalty. I mention this because I think its why I have trouble letting all this go.

Now for those of you who have ever cheated .... I have to tell you one reality. It does permanent damage to your spouse and to the love they have for you. I love my husband, obviously or wouldn't go through this SH## but its not with the same intensity as before. I have told him that and I don't think it will ever be the same. I hope we can rebuild and the relationship will be better than it was before and the feeling that was lost will be replaced with a deeper love, and understanding and appreciation for one another. I can only hope.

Anyway your thoughts on letting go, would be ever so appreciated!