So that's your issue. Trust. Yep that's what a lot of affair partners who marry are staring at, the cold reality of a relationship where you don't know when the other shoe might drop
Ok but don't just turn round and say I am justifying myself
I felt excited and empowered, I was excited that someone wanted to shag me after having a year and half with very little sex
For a 22 year old with a high drive that was torture
It's ingrained that you don't get divorced unless 2 things happen... One, the relationship i abusive. Two, adultery... 7th Commandment...
You wanted out of the marriage but you were too 'cowardly' to go about ending it or getting counseling so you took the easy way out and cheated, 'forcing' your husband to divorce you and laying all the pain and guilt on him so you could make your easy escape?
The you find that what you did really was traumatic and you want some justification here? Really some penance? Trying to help give closure to some of these poor guys? You hope he found a nice woman... You hope because you know how painful it must have been to him? You turned your back on him completely and hurt him purposefully to end your marriage?
Honestly, you haven't done anything to anyone here. I am sorry you are in pain. Mr. Brains wants some closure which he will never get or he just might but I highly doubt it.
The fact of the matter is with most divorces and cheaters, there is rarely anything that the BS could have done to prevent the cheating. The act itself lies solely with the cheater.
Are BS perfect? I highly doubt it, some are closer to it than I am. The act of cheating is done to all kinds of people. It is done by people who are acting extremely selfishly in general and if you think that they care about you when they are cheating, the answer is NO!
Afterwards, like in this case, the cheaters can be remorseful, once they realize the grass really isn't so green and they can see the damage they caused.
Cwtchbunny, I think what you are doing is trying to be noble, but I still see it as selfish. You seem to me that you are trying to assuage your guilt here. What I suggest that you actually do is write your EX husband a letter and tell him you are sorry for what you did to him. Ask God to forgive you. He will. Forgive yourself. Ask your EX. (He may or may not) By asking though you can begin your own healing and your advice will be more appreciated.
well, sure he wasn't meeting your sexual needs but as you can see there are plenty of people in SIM who have the same dilemma yet do NOT cheat.
the underlying cause is that you felt you selfishly deserved sex outside the marriage, you felt entitled to the attention.
For every person in SIM who have the same dilemma and don't cheat or haven't yet, I can show you five who are on other sites and have chosen to cheat.
Granted, OP is young and may not have any knowledge that is of use to you. It doesn't mean you have to continually bash her for something she admits she would have done differently.
It's been said before so ill repeat it, if you aren't having sex with your spouse, don't be surprised if they find someone who will. I've heard this plenty of times on the SIM section. Kind of a double standard. Posted via Mobile Device
So...if all of this is in the past and you're now happy with your affair partn...I mean your soulmate, why do you feel a need to come her to pontificate to us poor male betrayed? What do YOU think we can garner from your oh, so unique experience and sage experience from a 26 year old?
the true irony here is you started this thread in the hopes of educating the betrayed, but it is you rather who needs some education and insight
the reality is that most of we betrayed here are already all too familiar with the WS drive to justify the affair and how their needs weren't being met.
the stark reality is that the reason you cheated had nothing to do with your husband
well, sure he wasn't meeting your sexual needs but as you can see there are plenty of people in SIM who have the same dilemma yet do NOT cheat.
the underlying cause is that you felt you selfishly deserved sex outside the marriage, you felt entitled to the attention
and instead of doing what's hard but right (either working on the marriage or divorcing) you chose the "easy" path and left a path of destruction behind you
the sooner you come to grips with that plain fact, that it was YOU and not your husband's fault the sooner you will be able to have better relationships
You know, as AR said, if you're the one that needs help you should just ask rather than come and try to answer questions that people already know the answers for.
People can always learn from the experience of other people & you could have something to say here, but I'm not sure that I've heard anything truly helpful from you.
You were young and self-centered and not ready for adult responsibilities and marriage. So, instead of getting the divorce, which would have struck against your religion, you cheated (which is OK in your religion?).
So far, this isn't unique in any facet.
Now you're happy with the OM, whom you have married, and you want to share what you've learned.
The problem is, OP, at your age, it is you who will no doubt learn from the posters here. You will learn the hard way that you and your H can't trust one another and that, even though things seems blissful now, that lack of trust will probably rear its head at some point and your bliss will fade.
(And just a side note - I keep wondering if this is a change of the modern age that people take so long to grow up and act like reasonable adults. It seems to be true, but I don't believe it always was. My own mother married at 22 and had 4 children by the age of 28. She was a mature, responsible woman in her 20's. That appeared to be the norm. Are we just giving younger people a pass to be selfish and childish?)
The problem is, OP, at your age, it is you who will no doubt learn from the posters here. You will learn the hard way that you and your H can't trust one another and that, even though things seems blissful now, that lack of trust will probably rear its head at some point and your bliss will fade.
Sorry nothing useful here, you don't answer the real questions, you dont seem to care about the damage you have done. You are married to the OM, for now this thread is more of a in your face, "I cheated, I'm happy"
They cannot also answer these types of questions when they aren't here to answer those types of questions, and just waiting for the right question to unleash the finger pointing and justifying.
But I guess I should go easy. She is here to help us understand why we were cheated on
I don't believe there is ever a clear answer for why "we" get cheated on. It clearly happens to the wrost and best of us. Cheating is a singular act. It's selfish and cruel. It takes one person deciding for whatever reason (revenge, addiction, selfishness, need, lust, opportunity) that they're going to cheat.
Cheating never just happens. There's always a moment in there where a person could do the right thing, it's the fault of the cheater for not grasping at that moment like a drowning man.
Cheating is NOT the BS fault... Even my story I could have done 10 million other things.. I dont even blame the OM/OW.. If it wasn't them it would have Been someone else.. It's the fault 110% of the cheater.
Once you have been married for a while you have responsibilites that dont enable you to jump in the bed at a moments whim. She seems to want to just F like bunnies (hence the name) and not deal with other factors in being a mature responsible adult (hence her complaining about having to do everything, etc with the first husband).
You left your first husband because he did not give you enough sex. Then you found another husband 17 years older, and am now wondering why you aren't getting more sex.
Do you think by the time you're 50 y.o. and he's 67, he'll give you lots of sex? Or, would you then be on husband #5?
I'm 11 years older than my wife and am already saving up for OTC viagra in another 10 years!
But a 17-20 year age difference yeah, that's going to be ugly.
Well OP, you spent the first hubby's money and the second is older so probably has MORE money. My guess is you plan on spending his money, complaining about your HD and lack of sex at home, and the cycle will continue. You're 26, there's still a lot to learn about life at your age. Please, please make the best of it and do it by NOT leaving a trail of broken relationships behind you.
I'm a cheater and I don't think there is anything to learn from a cheater's point of view. We all find a way to justify it, and from what I have seen we all seem to be a little bit more "me" focused than non adulterers. Sometimes I honestly wonder if cheaters even love differently. Are we really ever as "in love", in comparison to people who would never cheat no matter what? What can possibly be learned from us that would be positive?
Well now that she finally got out what she wanted to say and decided to play games to get there, as if we didn't already know that, then perhaps one of the mods can close this thread since she is more than likely sitting there with a smirk on her face in all her glory.
Eek. OP, you are not irredeemable. I'm sure youre not an evil person. I do believe you have gone into this second marriage with as much immaturity as you handled the first marriage. Who knows if this one will last? I don't like to say "all marriages that start as affairs are doomed to crash and burn." I don't know if that is so. They certainly are starting HUGELY handicapped. Not to mention your age difference, his lower drive and his reluctance to be 100% honest with you about his past.
Anything negative you say about your first marriage will be labeled as blame shifting. This is from one WW to another. So don't even bother. It will fall on deaf ears. I know you felt like you had your reasons. Not enough sex led to you seeking it out. But that's too simplistic. Lots of people lack sex. They file and move on. If you wanted to leave him anyway, why add the extra pain of an affair? That's something you'll have to work out within yourself.
I'm in a similar marriage. My husband cannot keep up with me and at times I feel like I could scream. Still, if we are destined to divorce, I want to know I did it without laying down with another man. That's important to me.
Anyway...end of rambling. Try learning from people here. Ignore the vitriol and look for the honest posts that force you to examine your own motives and desires.
Annie, you reeeeallly think she is here to help? Really? She wants to help "YOU men". She already started the thread out with an attitude against us.
Only way I'd make a statement about "YOU women" is if I had a low opinion of you to begin with.
And the "vitriol" isn't because she has cheated. Its because we know she isn't here to help and was waiting for the right questions so she can reply with the answers she really wanted to say. And she answered, and we aren't surprised.
I could say the same about the hateful, angry men who posted to me under the guise of helping. "You're an ungrateful sl*t! I'm just telling you this to HELP you!"
Why would I ascribe motives to her? Maybe she THOUGHT she was unique and could be a sounding board to BH but got a rude awakening.
That's my problem with CWI. People here think they are wise and all-knowing. Sorry. They ain't.
you already cheated on H #2 didn't you, that's why you are really here, trying to figure out what's wrong with you. You need to drop the sex drive excuse Posted via Mobile Device
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!