Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

If you men need a women who has cheated in the past point of view

44K views 265 replies 53 participants last post by  x598 
#1 ·
Feel free to ask

I cheated in my first marriage, I was very young (I am only 26 now)

I am not posting this to start a row about my past behaviour
But if you are wondering about your wife's behaviour I may be able to help
 
#198 ·
Listen, bud. I worked my f'ng ass off flying a jet 38,000 feet in the air to bring home dough to pay for our lives together. Yeah, we may have had some communication problems, but don't think for one f'ng second that I had any thought or inkling that she was out having an affair.

Do NOT think you know anything about how some of us had sh-t shoved down our throats on f'ng Dday. Ever.
 
This post has been deleted
#199 ·
Plan 9, I'm puzzled by your rationalizations. I agree with you about the bashing in the thread - i dislike that too. I also get the idea that a poor marriage can cause one to consider being unfaithfull - just considering it as some sort of emotional first aid.

But you're going further than that - you state that if my partner cheated as a result of a marriage in a bad condition (in my case, we disagree on the degree of badness). Would you agree that some waywards rewrite and post-rationalize?

I know you like analogies - how about these then:

* It's understandable that poor people rob banks - the banks are partly responsible because of high interest on loans
* It's understandable that people get mugged on the street, because so many violent people had trobled childhoods - victims should know better than making eye contact with potential offenders
* How about this one.... people who were betrayed by their SO, it's quite understandable and partly acceptable that they beat up the disloyal spouse as a result

What's wrong with this picture? It's a rethorical question, it removes responsibility and accountability from the offenders in question.
 
#200 ·
I can see what Plan 9 from OS is saying. Certain situations will make some people consider cheating when those people otherwise would have not. Of those people who consider cheating, some of them go through with it.
I don't believe he is saying that all BS should have seen it coming. Your situation isn't necessarily what he is talking about. There are many different ways that cheating happens to many different kind of people by many different kind of people.
In the end everyone agrees that it is the choice of the WS to cheat. However what happens before the WS comes to that decision, behaviour of the spouse for example, can influence the WS's decision.
 
#201 ·
So behavior of the spouse can influence? Really the WS spouse doesn't have any responsibility to change or work on the marriage as well? It is all the BS's behavior that drives their actions (where is the reaction theory here)? This is the way it is coming across, that the BS is the problem. Maybe the marriage is sexless, because of something the WS has done and the lack of sex is the BS's "reaction" to that (or maybe the BS just was never brought up in an affectionate household and thinks this is the normal amount?). The same could be said for neglect or any of the other reasons given. Why isn't it just assumed that the BS is acting a certain way because that is the way they are (if it was a reaction, then they would be responsible as well, but would you rather be ignored or cheated on)? I think if this is the case the BS made a better decision.

Everyone is just too driven to find fault and place blame.
 
#203 ·
Yes... No one knows the pain of DDay until they have lived it. Period. Don't think you can understand. You only know you can by living it.
 
#204 ·
Russell28,

You caused her reactive cheating as you put her on a pedestal, were too beta (alpha up!!!), and were Mr. Nice Guy. It is all your fault and you need to own most of the marital issues and 50% of the responsibility for her cheating!!!! She will cheat on you again unless you man up!!! Start your D now!!!



In case anyone takes this seriously, I am just kidding with all of this (really wish there was a sarcasm font before people go hog wild with this). It just seems to be the standard response when someone posts the above, and I wanted to get in first! ;)

I actually feel your pain and although I know I did my part in my marriage, I am not going to own any of her bad decision!
 
#207 ·
I'm in R because she won't let me own any of this.. she's taking 100% of the blame for the A.. The first few days after dday I got stuff like "I told you I thought we should get counseling" .. I asked why she never set that up. It didn't take her long to realize it was all on her, 0% on me... She never asked me if I would be okay with her having a boyfriend. I would have said no.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, or I can't work on things.. I can be a better husband, but only if I know there's a problem.
 
#211 ·
wow. one in a million really means nothing today. this basically sums up my marriage:

Here's what I did to make my wife cheat...

I played video games.. about two hours a night, when she is watching tv and i'm sitting beside her on the couch... also talking about the television show, because I'm listening to it.
She was jealous of the avatar I was controlling, it was a female character. I also played quite a bit the last few years since she was out shopping so much.

I never took her anywhere.. while she was with her OM, I took her to Florida four times.. we always went out to eat, went shopping together, took day trips to cape cod etc.. Went for walks.. I guess what she meant was I never took her to Hawaii? Or that she wanted me to take her places, but with some other guy and then I would leave.. not sure... She went with him for walks in the woods.

I never helped with the kids... I always did stuff with my kids, took my son and daughters to ball games and dance.. Never missed a recital, or a game.. Always played catch, blocks, cars, dolls... Spent all weekend at travel games. I'm very close to my children.. She never went to any of my sons basketball games, a few baseball games.. was too busy shopping.

She felt I was too smart for her... I Brought home lots of money to buy a big house, two nice cars.. I got my wife a Honda Pilot, because that's what she wanted. Live on a dead end street, pond in back, porch, nice sounds at night.. privacy. She brought him here one day after work, when I took the kids to the amusement park by myself. He could never afford a house like this one, I bet he enjoyed his time here.

Never helped out around the house.. I tried to make dinner, but she didn't like my cooking even though I'm probably a better cook than she is, so I let her make meals.. I did the yardwork, painted the house, fix stuff, drive kids places, wash stuff, do dishes, laundry and vaccum... I guess I should have also washed and waxed the floor, I never did that. I wonder how helfpul OM was around his house.. he probably told her he did it all, cooking, cleaning AND windows.

She felt old... I always told her how beautiful she looked, how nice she smelled.. how much I adore her.. never stopped. If I could choose between a Victorias secret model or her, I'd choose her every time and I made that clear. She didn't want to hear it from me, she wanted another guy to validate it for her. We had a healthy sex life.. made love mornings and nights, some weeks more than others, but 3 to 6 times a week average, always brought the passion although hers seemed to fade a bit for a few years.. probably thinking about shopping while I was focused on how lucky I was to have such a beautiful woman beneath me.

Now am I perfect? Hell no.. I have flaws.. I can't read minds, and when my wife pretends to be happy, but is dying inside, I have no idea if she doesn't tell me. I'm trusting, and I think that because I've been able to avoid putting myself in situations that might lead me to temptation, I've assumed she's done the same. I think when I feel such love, that she must know I feel it.. I think that when I get her flowers, and tell her I love her, she'll believe me.
went through very this to a T. basicallt i was a good man, but her "needs" changed and i didnt recognize them. Probably a good thing to or the divorce would have come BEFORE the affair as her needs became selfish and harmful to the relationship.

but here is the question i have in all this. most cheaters talk about how aunhappy they were, as did mine, and how they hold you at least semi- resposible if not entirely.

but my spouse wants R...... why would a cheater want to R when the person they cheated on was so horrible in the first place. rings hollow to me.
 
#214 ·
wow. one in a million really means nothing today. this basically sums up my marriage:



went through very this to a T. basicallt i was a good man, but her "needs" changed and i didnt recognize them. Probably a good thing to or the divorce would have come BEFORE the affair as her needs became selfish and harmful to the relationship.

but here is the question i have in all this. most cheaters talk about how aunhappy they were, as did mine, and how they hold you at least semi- resposible if not entirely.

but my spouse wants R...... why would a cheater want to R when the person they cheated on was so horrible in the first place. rings hollow to me.
:iagree:
 
#213 ·
I mean it when I say no one knows the pain of DDay unless they've had one. No one here has experienced more pain in their life than I. Plan 9 has not either. Take your self righteous ideals about marriage somewhere else. I was blindsided may times the the past 49 years. DDay just one of them. The WS takes ALL the blame in being wayward.
 
#218 ·
DDay sucks. I've been betrayed when I was younger as a kid, but you move on. When I realized for a fact that that I was being cheated on, and SHE DID NOT CARE about me - I was literally knocked from my body... It was excruciating pain, and subconsciously you want to use your former "lover", "wife", etc as a mirror and/or anchor, and it's just not doing that for you. It was a serious amount of pain. I tried to fight through it, tried to recover - but that relationship partner was using our old connectivity to intentially inject pain and suffering into me.

That situation is the one that tought me about how WAS's work. I'm almost sure I'm at a point where if I realize it's a true WAS situation, that you HAVE to let go if you value your sanity and physical health.
 
#223 ·
You find out, you confront her, she's faced with her new life.. alone in an apartment or with this guy who she knows isn't better than you, but actually a loser... he lies and cheats. She can go two ways.. blame you, hate you, you caused it.. or she can own it, and accept that she's been living a horrible life for the entire A, and it hasn't helped her in any way, in fact it almost destroyed her life. She can finally see all those things mentioned in the post above, that you are a good dad and were a good husband.. that fight about wearing a wedding ring, she now realizes you were right and she was a mean POS. She cries, and tells you that she doesn't understand how you can forgive her, that you're too good for her, that you deserve better and that she'll work as hard as she can and do whatever it takes, for the rest of her life to fix her marriage because it's the most important thing to her in the world and she can't believe she risked it all. She hates the person she was and never wants to be that person again. She understands what boundaries are, and where they were crossed. She no longer says things like 'you can be friends with a guy and not have it go beyond friendship'... she understands that isn't the case, she knows that you'll start to fill each others emotional needs, and get attached. She needs to be capable of feeling pain and remorse for her actions, and needs to be capable of learning and changing her behaviors.
meeting her needs in a time of weakness? sure. but the one thing i think is missing is the fact that there is an alure of fun, danger, excitiement to break up or take away real life. when i finally understood that my wife not just wanted the affair, but that it was fun and adventurous, i saw things differently. never again will i feel like she was lost or out of control, things just spiraling. no Fing way. it was all a grand time at my and my childrens expense.



[QUOTEIt is all very exhausting to me. I don't know why she came here. Or if "she" is even a "she." Or if this thread is legit or whatever. I don't like the round and round and round. So, it's fine. You win. She's evil. We're all evil. We cheat on perfectly good men who don't neglect us sexually, emotionally. We're nothing but succubi.
][/QUOTE]

well in hetro circles, it take TWO to cheat......so there are just as many guilty men out there as women. never understood why it was men that generally got a bad rap on this.
 
#231 ·
Why do I get this feeling of entitlement creeping in on me? Those of you defending infidelity on the grounds of a marriage in bad shape - do you advocate revenge affairs as well?

My marriage didn't get any better after her cheating, to say the least, so now the relationship is definitely in bad shape - does that mean that I'm entitled to have some fun on the side now?
 
#241 ·
Well I really did not want to get into this one I read it but even that was well crazy. I try not to post unless I think I can help someone otherwise I would rather keep my mouth shut. Kermity I have looked at most of your threads and I can say that it looks like you just don't want to be married to your man. Nothing wrong with that but you have to understand the WS that post DO want to married yes they made bad choices but many of them have worked DAMN hard to fix not only the problems their cheating caused but also the underlying problems of the relationship. For all of that they are to be commended, how we go about fixing the wreckage of our mistakes is a mark of character. What sometimes gets lost is that a WS can leave the relationship as well as the BS those that stay take a huge amount of pain not just from a hurting BS but from themselves as often cheating is something against their core morality so their self image is destroyed. I am not excusing the BS pain just for this post I am focusing on the WS.

Now lets look at you. All your threads are about how you are unhappy or have unrealistic expectations. For the affair you admit you were wrong but then you say your husband drove you to it. You also state that he has changed and that makes you want to stay with him. I don't think I need to draw direct contradictions for you to get it.

The BS are so upset because in your posts it is all about you, your husbands trust was violated but since you would rather not be married or have had kids you don't seem to value this. The point is that in your posts you don't seem to feel the regret that many WS do I think the heart of this is because you don't value that which you betrayed, your marriage. I mean really if you could go back and undue the marriage you would, your posting reflects that.
 
#243 ·
Kermity I have looked at most of your threads and I can say that it looks like you just don't want to be married to your man.
I do want to be married and I am here trying to figure out how to make that marriage a happy one.

but you have to understand the WS that post DO want to married yes they made bad choices but many of them have worked DAMN hard to fix not only the problems their cheating caused but also the underlying problems of the relationship.
I never said I'm not working hard to change my marriage and finding feelings for my husband. I've done what he's asked in terms of regaining his trust.

Now lets look at you. All your threads are about how you are unhappy or have unrealistic expectations.
I wouldn't say that is what my posts are about. My posts are about my trying to find a way to be as happily married as those that say they are and to understand what happily married means as well as if I have unrealistic expectations or what expectations one should have for marriage.
For the affair you admit you were wrong but then you say your husband drove you to it. You also state that he has changed and that makes you want to stay with him. I don't think I need to draw direct contradictions for you to get it.
Direct contradictions? Not sure what you mean. I never said my husband drove me to it. My point as the point that was trying to be made earlier by another poster, was that the situation had become such that I found myself seeing the option to cheat as actually appealing. I choose to cheat and that was not my husband's doing. My husband's role was that of causing the breakdown of our marriage and my "falling out of love" with him.

The BS are so upset because in your posts it is all about you, your husbands trust was violated but since you would rather not be married or have had kids you don't seem to value this.
My posts are about me because I'm the one posting trying to figure things out. I'm not going to post on behalf of my husband. Again, I already said I want to be married and never did I say I would rather have not had kids. I love my son and he was the driving force for our trying to work things out in the very beginning.
The point is that in your posts you don't seem to feel the regret that many WS do I think the heart of this is because you don't value that which you betrayed, your marriage.
I didn't value my marriage, hence why I was able to cheat. I wasn't in a marriage that was worthy of being valued, in my opinion. I regret the hurt that I saw in my husband's eyes and in hindsight I would have done things differently.

I mean really if you could go back and undue the marriage you would, your posting reflects that.
That's not accurate and there is no point of even stating that. HOw many times does a WS state if they could go back and undue the cheating they would. In fact I just did. Does that make anyone feel any better? They usually get bashed for saying those words.

I don't know how this became all about me. I was just supporting a point that someone was trying to make. Then I answered a question. I assure you there are plenty of WS that are in my shoes. Most of them won't say so because they don't wish to suffer the wrath that is TAM versus the WS.
 
#255 ·
This is a psychology question not much of a sex question.

Did you know well ahead of time that you were going to give yourself to the other man?

If yes, what were your thoughts the last faithful hour until about 1 minute into coitus?

Rough timeline for each of the listed of events from faithful to meeting to inappropriate communication to taking it all the way. IE 1 week from meeting to say sexting and 2 more weeks to physical.
 
#256 ·
In modern days, we see marriage as conditional because we have the option of divorce.

What the conditions for breaking the marriage bonds are obviously vary from person to person. Even given this variation, they all fall within a certain identifiable set, which is why we all feel like we've 'heard it all before.'

I have two problems with the whole 'there are understandable reasons for cheating even though I don't condone it and it shouldn't be the choice' argument:

- People routinely rewrite marital history to justify what was clearly a thoughtless, selfish choice to cheat.

- When people get married, they usually don't check with one another to see if their conditions for breaking the marriage bonds are the same. So, you get one person who thinks that having sex only 2x/month is a reason for cheating, while his/her partner is clueless that that would trigger a rupture.

I think that using these conditions when they are not clearly stated and used after the fact of cheating is itself an act of cheating, since it post-rationalizes the behavior.

The marriage bond is a societal attempt to actually clear the waters in this regard, not muddy them. It's supposed to make the ground rules obvious, not say that 'well, yes, we know that people are supposed to be faithful, but how much video-gaming can one put up with?' In other words, it's supposed to make the conditions for breaking up the marriage as clear as possible and to put both spouses as much on the same page as possible.

It's of course much more complicated and much messier than this, but to me so much of this is a matter of one partner accepting these basic conditions of a marriage and then saying 'sorry, I now don't think I want to accept them' in order to allow him/herself to cheat.

We all understand the extreme conditions that can cause breaking the bonds without resorting to divorce - leg-shackling, for example.

I have a brother who has a knack for saying things clearly and concisely. When we were talking about the marital problems of a family member, he said, 'What about for better or worse doesn't that guy understand?'
 
#263 ·
I feel like I should be paraphrasing GySgt Hartmann from Full Metal Jacket: "If it weren't for trusting bastards like us there would be no cheating in the world!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Shadow_Nirvana
#265 ·


Holy Jesus, what is that? What the #$%& is that? What is that Private Pyle???

Sir a cheating wife and its all my fault!!! But looks more like a jelly donut......sir
 
  • Like
Reactions: Squeakr
#266 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by x598
but my spouse wants R...... why would a cheater want to R when the person they cheated on was so horrible in the first place. rings hollow to me.

Maybe becasue it's cold out there...
Maybe she still loves the potential, hope the old you might come back? Maybe she loves the potential new couple. Maybe she's not a quitter. Maybe...

Ask her.
sure. what is a cornered and proven LIAR going to say? you think she's going to say anything other than what serves her? when that asll she was doing before? i'm just suposed to start trusting her now (again)? :rofl:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top