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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 02:49 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

Mommybean, do you have any flashbacks or moments where something will set off fear in you? I wonder if some people are more prone toward obsessive thinking and have a harder time letting go than others. It isn't as simple as deciding to let it go.

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 03:02 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

dobo, I get what you're saying about obsessing over what happened. I did the same thing...for months...I would think about what happened and what my husband did almost constantly.

I had no idea how to stop even though our MC was telling me I needed to quite dwelling on it so much. But what I eventually figured out was that I had to let those thoughts and feelings run their course, for however long that was for me. I just allowed myself to have the feelings I had and didn't try to fight them-for me that was the most effective way. If I started thinking, 'well, I really should be over this by now' then I would step back and really consider how I was feeling. I was not going to try to rush myself through the process.

Finally though, I actually got sick of thinking about it. I never thought I would actually get to the point where I was tired of thinking about his affair and at that point I started finally letting it go.

It's a different process for everyone. But I get what Mommybean is saying about making a conscious effort to let it go. It's easier for some people to do this than others and it happens in different ways for everyone. Like I said, I was able to start letting go simply because I was so sick of thinking about it. There was no way I was going to let what he did continue to rule my life.

As for the reminders and triggers, those do fade with time. You will never completely forget but the reminders do fade.

Sorry for the t/j, AzMom...but I will tell you that my husband and I renewed our wedding vows...we made it fun and meaningful at the same time. For us, it separated our old marriage from our new marriage.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 03:16 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

I've obsessed over things before, and it got me nowhere. I guess there is a reason my favorite saying is something along the lines of "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". We had been down the affair road before, and I DID obsess about it. It made my H feel like no matter WHAT he did, he would NEVER get past the typecast of adulterer. We did a lot of things wrong with that scenario...we learned nothing...and I mean NOTHING from it, which is probably why the second one happened. So, I took a totally different route this time. I did NOT question him about every gritty detail. All they served to do was hurt me more. Whatever happened, happened. I do not want to know the details. Thats how I learned to focus on the present, on things that CAN be changed.
Sure, if I see the nasty creature standing on the side of her street (I guess she can't talk to the drug dealers she associates with at her grandma's house) my first reaction is to give the car some gas and hit her, but she moved quickly the first time, and has not been stupid enough to make herself a target since then. I'm not perfect. I guess thats my trigger, seeing her. But thats even gotten to the point where it almost makes me laugh, because she is just so pathetic. Like COFL said, you actually get sick of thinking about it. It's mind over matter. Granted, none of this would be possible if my H was not doing the work on himself to make sure this did not happen again. If I had not seen real, heartfelt change in him, I think I would still be second guessing everything.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-24-2009, 05:56 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

Mommybean, while I have read many of your posts, the one above actually hit a brainwave, as it made me feel a little different, better, even more hopeful, as in your situation, even though the same thing happened to you twice, the end result, due to changing methods, seems so simple. I guess I never thought of it that way, before; that it is basically just a different perspective. THANKS!
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-25-2009, 12:27 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

What changes in him make you believe that this time he's not going to go down the same road, Mommybean?

I'm sorry that witch is fast on her feet. Your story made me laugh.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 09-25-2009, 12:53 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

He finally made the connection between what he experienced as a child and what he was doing as an adult. He cut people out of his life who were toxic to him AND to us...without me asking. He came to a realization about what love really IS, and not the lust part of it. He was finally tired enough, broken enough to seek help and get medication for his depression. He's still got a way to go. His ADD has been giving him a lot of trouble lately, and he is trying to get a home business off the ground..so there are some stressors lately. But, his communication skills are greatly improved and we have been able to talk things over rather than have him blow up at me, or run. He's always been one to run from his problems, and he has stopped that. Those are changes that I never saw before, so this time, in my heart AND my head, I know that the path he is on is for real.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:21 AM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

At this point--a year out from the A bomb, I can not imagine renewing vows. Perhaps it is not just that they were thrown away over a ten year, yes, ten year active affair and a further 17 year emotional one, but my husband also 'renewed' our vows at multiple yearly Church retreats--looked me in the eyes in front of God and those present, promising to love honor and cherish--all while sleeping with her. How can I ever believe vows would mean anything?
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

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Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO View Post
Do you believe this is a must or is it just silly? I need your advice.


My way of thinking is that since he broke our vows they are meaningless unless he recommits. He doesn't not, nor never did wear a wedding ring (he said due to occupation, I always accepted that as he cannot wear one on a daily basis, but now I don't accept that I think he's not wanted to wear one).

Renewing our wedding vows is very important to me. If you were me, would you bring it up? Reason I didn't is because I think that he would do it if I asked but only because I wanted it but he might think it was dumb. If he did it just to please me, then its meaningless. Not sure what to do...
I have known both men AND women who were in occupation where they were not allowed to wear rings for safety reasons. If they truly wanted to wear the ring, they found a way to do it. We are friends with a couple where the husband is a surgeon. When he is operating, he puts his wedding ring on a chain around his neck. Otherwise he has it on his finger. I just feel like a ring is important to a marriage. I would wonder at his not want to wear one. If i were you I would just be honest and tell him how you feel. He is the one that cheated so he should be willing to do what it takes to make things right for YOU! If you want to renew your vows and for him to wear a wedding ring, in my opinion, you should tell him. His response will tell you volumes about his willingness to commit to the relationship.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 07:54 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

Sorry, but the person who started this thread has not been on TAM for over 3 years. Don't think she is coming back.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

He didn't mean it the first time so why expect it to be any different if you do it again or a 100 times.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

Zombie thread.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

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Sorry, but the person who started this thread has not been on TAM for over 3 years. Don't think she is coming back.
Actually it's been 6 - 7 years since the OP last posted.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity

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Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO View Post
Do you believe this is a must or is it just silly? I need your advice.

I feel as lost today as I did a year ago. Tonight I realized that I hadn't worn my wedding ring in nearly a month. I took it off for a volleyball game but never made an effort to put it back on so I started to wonder about that. Then it hit me, he never asked me to renew our vows. He broke our original ones ... the ring is meaningless. What does it symbolize? I broke down and cried today when a song from our wedding played on my ipod, thinking those were the innocent days when he loved me..interesting thought "loved". Yet I know he does love me, I just don't think its the same though. Its hard to explain but that guy I married would never have cheated on me, he changed or his feelings changed...

My way of thinking is that since he broke our vows they are meaningless unless he recommits. He doesn't not, nor never did wear a wedding ring (he said due to occupation, I always accepted that as he cannot wear one on a daily basis, but now I don't accept that I think he's not wanted to wear one).

So even though he says he loves me, is very sorry for what he did and promises to never do it again...I just still wonder why he didn't do something like this. Does that thought just not occur to him? The A was discovered in Aug of 2008, and our 15th wedding anniversary was in Oct, but he didn't even buy a card or plan anything. Its coming up again but I have zero expectations now. His A was not just some casual trist it was as bad as they get! At one point even taking my 4 yr old son out with the OW and having him lie to me about it! Lots to forgive..

Renewing our wedding vows is very important to me. If you were me, would you bring it up? Reason I didn't is because I think that he would do it if I asked but only because I wanted it but he might think it was dumb. If he did it just to please me, then its meaningless. Not sure what to do...
We did this and it worked very well for us.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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