Re: Renewing wedding vows after infidelity
Hon, I've read a lot of your story, and I'm pretty sure you know what i've gone thru. Please don't take this the wrong way, but at least AT THIS POINT, even if you renewed your vows, I don't know that it would solve your issues. In order to move forward you HAVE to come to terms with what happened, and you have to let it go. You're not letting it go, and you stay trapped in the emotional cycle of the feelings you felt when the affair was discovered. You not wearing your ring, and not even realizing it, seems like a big red flag. You're not really committed...you are holding such a big part of yourself closed....looking for signs that he is slipping, or he's not as into it as he should be. Looking for that final straw that will end it all.
I don't view my vows as meaningless at all, and I do NOT think that they were broken beyond repair by his affair. My vows said, in good and in bad...and thats what we've been thru. And you know what? Since I made a CHOICE to let the anger, pain, repulsion, and bitterness go...since I made a CHOICE to stay with the man I love, I CHOOSE every day to live in the moment, because the moments that have passed, are toxic and I cannot change them. We live today,and look forward to tomorrow, and WOW..our lives are amazing. Yes, the love between us has changed, it's weathered now...the shine of the "new" is gone, but its been replaced with a luster that can only come from ups and downs and hard work. I don't WANT him to love me as he used to, nor do I want to love him as I used to. You can't go back. You look back so much, and you are stuck in the cycle of pain, fear and anger. I've said it before and I will say it again. IF you have chosen to stay with him and chosen to work thru this, then you HAVE to let it go. if not, you will be in this exact spot a year from now, or two, or five.
We are renewing our vows next year, but not because either of us feel that the originial are meaningless. We did a JOP before, and this time, we want a VERY small ceremony, where our sons will give me away, and the few loved ones who stuck by us thru the chaos will be present. It's not a new beginning, its just a reaffirmation of our commitment, which is even stronger than before his affairs. It's a celebration of our life and our love.
You can talk to him about your desire for the renewal, but I honestly feel like you're looking at it to fix what you see as broken, and i'm just afraid that if you go thru the renewal without coming to terms with your OWN demons, you're going to feel let down again. You've got to look inside you and find out what is making you hang onto the feelings you have, and you've got to come to terms with them and LET THEM GO. Make it something symbolic if you need to...write out all of your feelings...things you would NEVER tell him or anyone else....the things that hurt to admit even to yourself. Pour it all out on paper until you are just...drained. And then, take those sheets of paper, and go outside somewhere safe and private...and burn them. If you can get past all the stuff that is draining you, and focus on the REST of your lives, a vow renewal would be a beautful thing for BOTH of you, and I don't think he would view it as silly.....