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I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
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#34 ·
I also doubt your husband has been unhappy for 20 years. it is amazing what they can convince themselves of when another woman comes along to stroke their egos.

As far as the age difference goes, I myself dated a man 20 years older than me when I was in my early 20s. We were both single, so no affair, and no, I did not want to marry him and have his babies , much to his dismay, but it was fun. He was more worldy, took me to the best places, bought me things etc. Actually the me not marrying him thing is what pretty much broke us up, and me finding someone closer to my age that I actually had things in common with more than dining and shopping.

I am sorry you are experiencing this when you should be entering your golden years together in retirement. My H is 60 and I am almost 58, too old to be dealing with the crap (an online ,phone, etc EA, no PA) If we were not to make it, as in if he ever does this again, I cannot imagine what my life will become, but it would be better even alone than in that torturous limbo again.
 
#37 ·
I've just finished reading the missmolly thread "not handling this very well".

I have been married over 41 years, and it is very very difficult coming to terms with the ending of the marriage, and the 'theft' of our planned future. The only way I thought that our marriage would end was when one of us died.

OK - so the marriage has died but he is alive and well. Therefore I can only wish him and YAW a life together, and that it should be far away from me.

But - missmolly is still going through hell. I am so very very sorry about that. I will keep following MM's thread, and hope that she comes through ok.
 
#36 ·
Thank you everyone for your responses. I am very grateful that you have taken the time to read the thread and offer advice.

to SaltInWound - I am up to page 17 (of 30+ pages) of missmolly's thread in "Coping with INfidelity" ...

I am thinking of leaving my husband immediately ... I don't like what I am reading about what missmolly has gone through/is going through.

I will continue reading her thread ...

thank you for letting me know about this.

I am impressed by some of the responses to missmolly ...
 
#38 · (Edited)
Yes, missmolly's story very closely resembles yours. And missmolly understandably has had a very difficult time coming to terms with it.

Those of us in our 60's seeing long-term marriages disintegrating are becoming more the norm it seems. I am choosing to end my 45 year marriage (due to his cheating many years ago and then again a few years ago) and finally feel good about myself for doing so.

It's certainly not the life any of us expected to be living in our "golden years" but it's reality.
 
#39 ·
I think what you and missmolly have to deal with is a long-term marriage with a man who is suddenly in the position to have a much younger woman take his advances seriously enough to break up his marriage. Both your H and missmolly's have met women who are not like Pam in the post above, who really never considered anything serious with the older man.

missmolly's H initially had a lot of guilt and second thoughts about what he was doing, but then finally said, 'F*ck it. I'm 65 years old. I may never have a chance to be 'happy' again. Why shouldn't I just go for it? I could die tomorrow. Why not just die happy?' And he hasn't looked back. He knows he is losing his children and grandchildren. He knows the pain his BW is in. He has just decided that in this last, final phase of his life, he's going to do what makes him happy.

If the much younger woman didn't encourage him with her act that she's serious about him as a life partner (it's pretty clear that he's a sugar daddy), he most likely would have held on to his marriage and remained respectable and respectful to his W and family.

Your H's OW is likewise encouraging your H to be with her and to talk about marrying her and having children. He may be an old fool, but if he is, she's not the one telling him that. She's letting him say, 'Why not go for it? Why not be happy?'
 
#40 ·
Why not giving it a last shot by just throwing him on the rocks, while financially securing yourself?

You need to understand he is in the Fog, and about everything he said for a long time is a lie. Like every other WS, if you tell him to go marry this women, he may find reality is going to be different than the fantasy now.

You try to explain things rational, but he is not rational. Rationalizing yes, but that is a different thing.
 
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#41 · (Edited)
As with all these situations, there are many more details that I could add to my story/

H's OW met my 36 yr old (single) son last year - he was visiting his father and I in the Asian capital that we live in. She asked him to go to the movies with her, but he picked up straight away that there was a romantic interest, so he declined. She lost "face" in a big way over that. But our son was not going to go down that road at all.

Anyway, fast forward to when I was in Australia looking after my grandchild for 6 months, and surprise surprise, she and my husband are involved in an EA (at the very least).

Well, she might have my husband but she will NEVER EVER get my son. So be it ... she can have the old 63 year old goat!!
 
#44 ·
As with all these situations, there are many more details that I could add to my story/

H's AW met my 36 yr old (single) son last year - he was visiting his father and I in the Asian capital that we live in. She asked him to go to the movies with her, but he picked up straight away that there was a romantic interest, so he declined. She lost "face" in a big way over that. But our son was not going to go down that road at all.

Anyway, fast forward to when I was in Australia looking after my grandchild for 6 months, and surprise surprise, she and my husband are involved in an EA (at the very least).

Well, she might have my husband but she will NEVER EVER get my son. So be it ... she can have the old 63 year old goat!!
When this woman was visitng you and yourhusband -- in order to meet your son -- how was she presented to you? as your husband's business partner?
 
#45 ·
We still think that it is an EA.

My husband knew about the proposed date for the movies. He felt sorry for her because she is such a nice young woman who was only trying to be friendly. She said that there were no strings attached, and that she was just "trying to be friendly" to a 'visitor' ie our son.

She lost a huge amount of face when our son didn't go on the movie date.

My husband made his move in Oct 2012 - unbeknown to me of course at that time.

Our son isn't telling me what he thinks. He is sitting on the fence as he doesn't want to take sides.
 
#58 ·
Thank you for your advice.

You are right, of course. But I cannot take the risk of her harming herself. I woul get the blame for that, and therefore I am not willing to go that far.

I would dearly love to let her family know ... I would happily cause her as much turmoil as possible if I could -- but just can't do it.

It is harder not to let the family know, in my opinion.
 
#55 ·
I was guessing China, Thailand or Philippines. As far as I know(I could be wrong here), only women(or men) from these countries are bothered about English. Was only interested in asking you about the country because of the different modus operandi they follow.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your family knows and it is your H that cheated.

Have you re-considered exposing her to her family ? Worried about her even after what she did could be misplaced empathy. Think about it. If anything, being exposed would give her a chance to face her true-self and grow up. And probably stop her from destroying another family and another woman like you when your H is done serving his purpose.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - (Edmund Burke)
 
#56 ·
It's a shame OW is far away. Maybe she's not completely out of reach though, if you can afford a PI to get intel on her. If she has some dirt you can always break the bubble with a reality check.
When someone is so determined the only way I see is hitting them hard with reality, finances, knocking off the pedestal the idol, reputation, loved ones respect...
 
#57 ·
Disconnected,

I am a new poster here but I have participated in other forums about marriage and relationships in general. I was on both sides. In my first marriage I was the WH. In my second, I was cheated on.

I absolutely do not believe in "midlife crisis" myth! I snapped out of it very quickly but it was late to save my marriage. It was OW's BDay and at that time I was on a tight budget. I had to decide: Should I get OW a dozen of red roses or should I get new shoes for my kids. I bought the shoes for my kids. My children were always my Northern Star in my life.

My second wife left me for the POSOM who I knew. He is leaving his wife to be with now my ex-wife. She has BPD and she will leave him too sooner or later. She is now his problem not mine!

I have nothing good to say about your "wonderful" husband. I hear stories how people who make it after an affair have even stronger marriage. I believe that it could be the case. However, i do not think it happens often. Therefore, prepare yourself for the worst. Take care of yourself first and secure your own future and the future of your own children. There is a good chance that your husband will die as an old, lonely fool. However, give him one last chance. He would have to completely stop all communications with OW right NOW. that would be a good first step.

BTW your are mentioning Rupert. Hardly someone who I admire!! Old, ugly, narcissistic fool. That is how I seem him. Would you marry him?

I wish you the best!
 
#64 ·
She doesn't live in the middle east. Expose her. She is NOT your family! She is risking yours though! She is decimating yours! Expose!
 
#67 ·
Disconnected,

I have been travelling, jetlagged for the first 24 hours, wifi a bit patchy at FIL's, otherwise good at the hotel. Lots of loved ones to catch up with on this trip. Came across your thread but never had a chance to respond until now .....

How I wish I could reach out across the screen and give you a BIG HUG ... I do ... My heart goes out to you. I reckon you read my thread too. To think that your H is willing to throw away a 4-decade of M is unfathomable to me or any sane person.

Only YOU know if you want to R or D. No one else can tell you which is the lesser evil.

After DD1, i was determined to save my M, for my child, for the love of the man I married, for the past we had, for the future I thought we had. I rarely posted on CWI but I devoured almost every post there is on CWI. I set NC as a non-negotiable mandate. I exposed to family and friends, except those I refrained due to percepted health condition (my mum and FIL).

Like you, I was worried that the young, immature OW would top herself. My STBXH's OW came across on the explosive phone call to me as a b@tch, yet I sensed an undertone of vulnerability in her. I remember begging her at the end of an hour long phone call not to "do anything stupid. He's not worth it".

Of course, in retropect, I was in a state of shock. My self-preservation mode was not switched on yet.

I opted to R after DD1. My STBX went through a phase of blame shifting (red flag, red flag!!). In his fog, he reckoned that if he had never met OW, our M would have failed also. Really ??? Prior to DD1, I thought we had a blissful M !!! So did everyone else in our lives. He attributed his 'stepping out of his boundary' to my not wearing my wedding ring for the last 2 years ... Hello !!! He knows I had chronic eczema !! He accompanied me to my visits to the dermatologist. He knows I can't wear any form of jewelry !!! Another mind boggling excuse of his is I "refused to have a second child'. I was astounded by it all.

Alas, towards the end, it seemed like I was the only one fighting for this M. The reality is STBX went underground with his A. The truth could not be hidden for long. DD2 was less than a month ago. I made up my mind that there is no chance of another R. The man I loved completely and unconditionally has died.

Stay strong, Disconnected. The support you received and will continue to receive from the good people on this forum will see you through. But please reach out to your family members and friends too. Do NOT accept being anyone's second best or PLAN B.

Take care.

You are in my thoughts.
 
#69 ·
sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard thing to face. It is unbelievable how these husbands in good marriages who profess love and devotion can just toss it all away. It is frustrating when they listen to the OW and not their wife /partner for the past 20+ years.
I have no real advice for you disconnected, I am still struggling to figure my own situation out. All I can say is: your feelings will probably be unstable for a while. You will feel strong and self assured, proud of yourself and then moments later be crying again asking "why me"? This is normal and to be expected. I can tell you that everyday that passes will bring you a hint more clarity to what you need to do for yourself. Start doing the 180. It will help you to feel better.
I loved my husband immensely and thought I could NEVER be happy with out him. Very slowly this is changing. I still wish this nightmare never happened, but my feelings for him are changing. I see what a fool he is, and how hard he worked on lying to me.
Listen to all the advice you get here. Look after yourself. Get your financials in order and be honest with the people around you. I think the language "Exposing the affair" seems harsh and vindictive to those of us just new to this mess. I prefer to look at it this way...He has betrayed me with all the lies he has told me and our friends and family. I am tired of having these lies in my life. I will not participate in them anymore. I speak only the truth. If he doesn't like the truth then maybe he needs to take a good look at his behaviour and make some changes!
Best of luck. Take it moment by moment at the beginning.
 
#72 ·
disconnected,

I understand you don't wish to expose the affair to the OW's family...I think that is a mistake but you have expressed your reasons clearly. So be it.

You seem like a very nice person. Unfortunately society can be very unkind to nice people.

Just realize being nice often entails paying a very high price...

Think about it.
 
#73 ·
Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, and provide me with very good advice.

I am travelling at the moment, but will be back on-line on Sunday - at which time I will respond to the posts, and provide an update. (Not much really to report at this stage though).

Thank you all once again.

Just to add that I had never heard of this website ten days ago, and neither did I realise just the huge amount of infidelity that occurs - both EA and PA. It is terrible. And one thing that I have noticed is that there seems to be no accountability by the person who is having the affair.

People like my husband think it is ok to wreck a marriage - and then expect everything to fall into place for them. They try to justify what they are doing.

Anyway, I will get back on Sunday. Take care everyone.
 
#74 ·
I have now returned to Asia after 11 weeks away. I have read many stories in the "Coping with Infidelity" section, and still feel devastated about what has happened to my marriage, and of course, all the other women and men who have been cheated on. I feel especially sorry and sad for those with young children, and particularly for those women who are/were pregnant at the time of Discovery Day.

The stress from this has caused me to lose at least 50% of my hair, which thankfully, after 11 weeks away, has started to regrow. My hair has never ever been so thin.

My husband has now told me that he doesn't love me any more, and that he wants to separate. He would like to find another apartment ... to which I responded "Can I help you pack?"

He started arguing about bank accounts, property, land, etc etc. Though the land is joint property it is in his name only. I have said it is non-negotiable ... my name is to appear on the land titles before anything is discussed.

(I think the reason he wants to move out of our apartment in the organisation's compound is so that YAW can come and visit him. YAW can't come and visit him where we are living now because the compound is physically guarded, and under camera/tape surveillance).

In my home country there is no fault divorce ... ie two years separation then apply for divorce after one month at the end of the separation (I think ... but please don't quote me on that).

My husband still insists that there is no physical contact between them and that there is no kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc etc.

He has told his manager that he and I are having marriage problems. He certainly hasn't elaborated on the cause of those marriage problems.

I would now like advice on how to go about exposing WH and YAW to my husband's employer.
 
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