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I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
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#143 ·
Hello Salt in Wound and turnera

It is totally my take on all possibilities. There's been no suicide threats. No talk of suicide at all.

But, with having been through the suicide event three years ago, and observing OW and her flighty behaviour, I can't take the risk that she might do this if exposed.

If exposure leads to her suicide, then I would definitely be blamed. I don't want to be blamed for anybody's suicide.

In my mind, if someone commits suicide then it has been entirely their choice. But if OW suicides, then I don't want the blame for it. If I expose her to her parents, then I would be blamed.

So I am keeping well away from exposing to her parents.

WH - on the other hand - is another matter. When the time is right then I will expose. It will hopefully be "goodbye" to the job he absolutely loves, (and that he is doing very well at).

For now, I still have to bide my time.

Thank you for your questions. I appreciate you reading and contributing to this thread.

cheers
 
#145 ·
I have two Plans A ... Plan A Asia and Plan A Australia.

Plan A Asia entails getting my old job back, which has recently been advertised. I found out today that I am on the short list, and will be interviewed at the end of next week.

If I am not successful, then Plan A Australia will go into effect. This will mean returning to Australia and being a hands on grandmother to my grandson, and "auntie nana" to my sister's five grandchildren. These six "grandchildren" range in age from 1 to 6 years old.

So whatever the outcome, it is all win/win as far as I am concerned.

There has also been progress with my adult children this week. They are annoyed that WH has told OW that he has been unhappy for 20 years. Yet they are puzzled that he said to me last week that "never in a million years" would he have thought our marriage could break up. It just doesn't add up.

WH is also virtually distancing himself from our kids. He only has limited contact with the kids these days, making it easier for me to communicate with them

This coming week will be spent preparing for the interview. Just to say that I haven't had an interview for over 25 years, but seeing that my cover letter and cv made it through to the short list, then hopefully the interview gets me the job, which will give me some financial security for when WH goes thru with the separation.

But whatever the outcome, the future is looking bright.
 
#147 ·
Good luck on the interview, I would hope your former experience will be a plus as well as your life experience.

We ourselves just hired two older people, older that those who usually apply, because sometimes the younger ones just don't get the work ethic thing and one of them was texting during training! (He's gone now, could not work the days he said he could and then kept telling us more days he was unavailable.

You are well spoken and have a great attitude, so , good luck to you!
 
#148 ·
The interview takes place tomorrow (Thursday 26 Sept). I am being interviewed in Asia by two senior members of the organisation based here while at the same time via telephone link with two HR staff members at head office in Australia.

Apparently there were 'many' applicants, and I am one of four short-listed for interview. Making the short list is a huge achievement in itself.

The skills and attributes in my cover letter and cv will now be put to the test by way of questions as to how I behave in and deal with certain situations. The interview will take 45 minutes.

I know 3 of the 4 interviewers, and had previous phone contact with the remaining interviewer when dealing with my leave without pay. But I will remain professional ... I will treat the interview as if this is the first time I am meeting the interviewers ... and I will dress the part.

It has certainly helped losing the excess weight ... I now look good in my black jacket and black/white patterned dress.

Thank you turnera and Pamj for your advice. I have been reading as much as possible, as well as studying the organisation's values statement.

I recall during the interview to enter the organisation 25 years ago being asked the name of one of the senior leaders. I knew the name, much to the surprise of the interviewers. I wondered at the time whether I was the only one who answered correctly. You just never know what is going to come from "left field". But I digress ...

I'll let you know what happens.

Oh yes, WH does not know that I have been selected for interview ... he thinks I am still waiting to hear.

There is little point in telling him anything because he repeats EVERYTHING to OW.

And he stated very strongly last night that he doesn't love me. (Fine by me ... because I don't love what he has turned into ... the person I thought he was and whom I loved has long gone ... but he thinks I am still madly in love with him and want him back).
 
#154 · (Edited)
Disconnected ... I can sense the positiveness of your spirit emanating from my screen !!! Proud of you !!!

I do drop in on CWI now and again. I've got lots of updates to post too but haven't gotten around to it since we came back from our summer hols.

Anyway, this thread is not about me ... It is about you ... You have certainly come a long way since DDay. We do have approximately the same timeline and I do wonder all the time how you are making progress.

I really hope that the Company recognises your assets and you get the job offer. Remember, whether you do eventually land the position or not, you took a MEGA MENTAL STEP - to break away from the shackles of your WH. You are taking control now. And we are proud of you :smthumbup: .

I'll get around to posting my updates soon.

Good luck. Onward and upward.
 
#157 ·
45 minutes till the interview.


Thank you for your good wishes. Whatever happens I have two very good plans A ...

I am going to spend 20 minutes in front of the mirror giving myself questions, then the answers.

I have many examples to fit many situations. I just need to a) not motor mouth my way through or b) not be stunned to silence or c) um, well, um, I ... um ............. and so forth.

Ok, "onward and upward"

cheers
 
#159 ·
Oh dear ...

I committed the mortal sins of a) motor mouth (blah blah x lots!!), followed by b) stunned into silence.

I was so stunned into silence that I didn't manage c) um, ah, oh, etc etc


Aside from that I think the interview went well. The answers I had prepared went awol. The perfect answer to one of the questions hid in the recesses of my mind only to be replaced by the 'broadcasted' complex answer. When I started broadcasting the various threads to the complex answer the interviewers were the ones stunned into silence!! Oh dear ...

It turned out to be three interviewers instead of four ... two here and one by phone in Australia. I know them all quite well. And they all know me quite well. Whether they will excuse the nerves or not, well, I can only wait and see.

I now have a week's break from everything, then it will be either following Plan A Asia (work) or Plan A Australia (grandchildren ... my one and only, and my sister's five).

My sister has to share her grandchildren with me because ... well, just because ...

I have known all her grandchildren since they were babies, and I feel very close to them.

I'm not going to waste any more time on WH ...


Thank you everyone for your help, support, advice, kind wishes, contributions ...

I think I have come through to the other end ... but mainly because of TAM/CWI and my wonderful sister ... (and some family members)
 
#163 ·
<<Don't forget to send them a thank you follow-up letter, in which you highlight the things you need to reiterate and express what you forgot to say or said badly.>>

Always a good idea! Even in our industry (transportation/service) the people who follow this type of protocol and act like they really want the job, are the ones we choose. It shows good form and we have more faith they will treat our clients well also.
 
#165 ·
Two days ago I came across his camera. He thinks I do not know how to find the memory card, let alone how to use it.

Oh dear ... big mistake

I took memory card out, raced up to the local photographers ... bought a 8 gb usb stick, and had them download ALL photos ...

When I got back I noticed that the camera had been 'moved' from where I had left it.

Nevertheless, I returned the memory card.

BUT - 5 minutes later he came to me and wanted to know if I had removed the memory card. Apparently he had gone to use the camera while I was at the photographers, but no memory card inside.

Yet just after I returned all of a sudden there is a memory card in the camera. "What is going on?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

So I said again that I didn't understand what he was talking about ... but he knew ...

There are some 'lovely' holiday snaps ... and the best thing is that they are time/dated ... perfect ...

A really good one is where OW is lying down on an outdoors wooden bed/reclining chair, smiling ... wearing a one piece bathing suit

But the best one is where WH is lying on another wooden bed/stretcher etc ... smiling at the camera ... one leg bent 'upwards' with his foot flat on the bed, and the other bent 'sideways' lying flat on the bed.

Perfect caption for WH is "take me ... I'm yours!!":rofl:

This isn't even painful any more ... I can't stop laughing ... and neither can my sister.

If I ever decide to expose to her family, then these two photos would be perfect!! (But exposure is just a daydream right now ...)

and ... my sister can be trusted not to distribute these images.
 
#167 ·
Well done, you !! Lady M is getting to be as good as the Felicity Kendall character in Rosemary & Thyme :smthumbup: .

Learn from your darling H when confronted about the memory stick again - deny, deny, deny. Go on the "who?? me ??" mode !

My guess is, sooner or later, WH will gain more confidence in conducting his clandestine activities and would be more careless in covering his tracks.

Stay calm with Plan A (1). There might even be a shortlist within a shortlist.

Ahhhhhh ... Talking about kitties, here is our 'room mate' in Barcelona :



He's huge !!! All 6.5 kilos :D ... Missing him already.
 
#169 ·
thank for the photo of the 'room mate' ... I am not surprised that you miss him ... cats - and dogs - have a way of becoming important in our lives. My 'boy' in Australia is about 6 kgs ... he's a bit of a heavy lump! But he is the focus of the whole family - he is 'in charge' of us all. (WH hasn't got a hope if there's a "custody" battle ahead!:)

My 'boy' is currently residing in a 'cat resort' while my son and his lovely girlfriend are away travelling for 3 weeks.

I was walking past an expat office area tonight and noticed an elderly local man putting out food and water under the fence for the stray cats. We spoke for about five minutes He is a pedicab driver, but each evening comes along with dried cat food and water for about ten cats and kittens. There's just something about cats - and dogs - that breaks down barriers.

Anyway, WH knows that I got into the memory card. I will continue to be vague/deny etc etc. But he doesn't know what I did with the card. He doesn't know that I downloaded ALL the photos.

He will be careful about EVERYTHING from now on.

He has another problem ... the pink nightie, pink undies, and thick black pantyhose ...

I found them a couple of weeks ago ... and sent them back to Australia in case I needed some sort of evidence later on.

He is now wondering where those items are. He implied that I might have been into his room ... but it is very difficult for him to ask me "Have you taken the "pink" things etc" ... because what if he has misplaced them? What if he has forgotten where they are? And - if I haven't got them, or been into his room ... then all he has done is alert me that he has had "pink" things in his bag.

It will be good if he can experience some of the turmoil he's put me through ...
 
#168 ·
I'm a big believer in, when having a cheating spouse who won't let you see their phone and you need proof of their cheating, to just watch them and wait for them to slip up and set their phone down, and then just go snatch it and hide it somewhere and then go back to what you were doing. When they go for it and realize it's missing, just look all innocent and say huh? I dunno, you had it a minute ago, must have set it down somewhere. Later, when he/she leaves, take it out and get all the info/proof off of it that you need; take it to an expert if you have to. Once you have it, replace it back where he left it (or someplace where he might see it and go, ah, THAT's where I left it. None the wiser, and you have your proof.
 
#170 ·
Excellent idea. Unfortunately he put a password on his phone and I haven't been able to get into it for over 6 months.

I used to go thru his phone (txts and email - before it was passworded) when he was in the shower, but once it was passworded I couldn't get back in. And also, had to be careful that I didn't attempt to get in because the phone would show "failed" attempt. (I know this because I have the same type of phone).

Anyway, your suggestions are great, and I will apply them to other ways and means of finding more evidence. Thank you for your good advice.
 
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