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I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
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#172 ·
Ohhhh ... On my night of DD2, I almost screwed up the password on his Blackberry with the number of failed attempts. :(

I haven't accessed it for a long while. The first time he gave me the password, we were out for a family dinner. I played it cool, didn't write it down but looked across the table and realised that, except for 2 jumbled-up digits, it was printed on the very same tee shirt my son was wearing that evening ! Co-incidence or what !!!

After numerous failed attempts, it dawned on me .... I rushed to son's room, rummaged through his wardrobe ... And voila :D
 
#175 ·
Many thanks for your kind thoughts.

I hope it is ok to share my thoughts here today.

I skyped with my sister yesterday afternoon, and later on with two of my kids and their partners.

It is still a waiting game regarding the job, which will be the decisionmaker. But, my sister says for me to come home now, forget the job, and to start to move on and enjoy life by spending time reconnecting with family and being involved with grandchildren (her five and my one ...).

During a later Skype with my younger daughter and younger son and their partners, my son felt that - if I got the job - then I should take it and concentrate on building up some financial security.

This son is also a firefighter (as is his older brother), and he said that in his job he frequently comes across older age pensioners in pensioner units, who live from day to day. He said that some of them have quite miserable existences.

This job - if I get it - will be my last chance for meaningful employment ... otherwise I will be considered 'old' in Australia and therefore on the scrapheap. That's just 'reality' these days.

On my next birthday I qualify for the 'old age' pension. WH is keen for me to return to Australia and go on this. In addition, I have a modest retirement fund, which I have contributed to for the past 25 years. WH had earlier said that he would not ask for the half that he is legally entitled to.

But that has changed ... WH now wants half. Legally, I can do nothing about that. It would therefore make my retirement marginally above those who are only on the old age pension. (I think the reason WH has changed his mind is that he is now finding out that infidelity - EA he says - costs money. He is earning a good wage, but we are not saving as much as we did before OW became the main focus in HIS life. BTW I have been saving separately ... while he goes on his romantic holidays and weekends with OW I stay around this city and save like mad).

There are so many decisions to make about the future. But the one I am grappling with right now is - if I get the job, should I take it, or go back to Aus and be a pensioner (happily involved with family).

Thanks for listening to/reading this.
 
#177 ·
Thanks for your response.

I am not sure about this.

There is no fault divorce where I come from and therefore I am not confident that this would be taken into consideration. But I will check. Everything is 'halved' here ... but having said that I read today about a case where a SAHW was awarded 70% of AUS$1.7 million. The Judge took into account how BW had given up her career to look after the children and the household for her executive husband. She had moved with WH and her children to 3 overseas transfers/study opportunities and kept everything going smoothly on the home front. Before her marriage and children, she had a promising career in management herself, but in her early 50s after 25+ years of marriage - she could only get work as a lowly paid receptionist.

There was brief mention of WH's two physical affairs. But it is still a "no fault" system.

I think our assets all up would be up to about AUS$1 million. If our assets etc are halved I would be in line for AUS$500,000. The sickening thought is that OW only has to stay with WH for about 4 years and she will be entitled to half of WH's half - that's AUS$250,00 which should rightly go to our kids.

But I don't think the kids care about the money/assets etc a ... I think they would like WH and I to be together ... otherwise for us to be happy even if that means apart. But none of them are happy about OW, who is 5 years younger than our youngest. The whole situation is bizarre - I never saw it coming and it is still hard to believe that it has happened.

Sorry for the long post - it's been a lonely day today.
 
#180 ·
Once you know where you will be in the future, I would contact an attorney and ask about these financial issues. If all the money earned is shared equally, I would think the money he spent on the OW should come into play, especially as you had no say in the matter, but I don't know the legalities of that where you are/will be. For that you should make an appointment with one and get your ducks in a row before you move forward.
 
#184 ·
Hi OTM, Hi Pam

Thanks for the very supportive messages.

It is win/win ...

I've done the job before so it won't be any great loss not to do it again.

I will be going home to be 'nana" and "nana auntie (my name)"

and ... 'action stations' has just begun I think ... re WH's job.

OW is next!!
 
#185 ·
My sister is delighted.

Also, there's two caesareans looming in April so it is good that I will be around to help my daughter while my sister will be helping her Asian daughter in law.

At that stage my grandson will be 3, and my sister's grandson will be 20 months old. So the two 'nanas' will be fully occupied helping the new mums with these two children, plus helping with the new babies ... and doing heavy lifting around the house so that the new mums don't have to!

The two dads will be busy with their respective work ... my SIL is an adult university student and my nephew is a very busy and successful tradesman.

Life is looking good!!:)
 
#186 ·
Disconnected - I just saw your post on Angie's thread. :woohoo: You are also one gutsy lady to have made the decision! Just think if this hadn't happened you would probably have missed out on precious time with your family and all the little ones plus all the new ones arriving. :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: You are going to be one busy lady!
The universe works in mysterious ways and you are on your way back to a wonderful family who love and adore you.
I have so much admiration for you and Angie.
All the best to you.
********** :D
 
#187 ·
Thank you for your very supportive post.

I especially liked the comments about time with family, and going back to a wonderful family. I love my kids.

There have been several low points since DDay; the significantly low points were the ones where I came across comments by WH to OW concerning our children. I was nearly destroyed when I read WH's comment "All my children want me to divorce (disconnected). They know I have been unhappy for many years and they just want me to be happy"...

OMG ... I could hardly breathe .

Because of the long hours I have worked for 23 years - as the 'breadwinner' - my WH was the primary carer at home, when they were pre-teens/teenagers. (We swapped roles when the youngest was 7 and the oldest 14).

WH has been a really great Dad. I always sensed that WH was the 'favourite' parent, but I didn't mind that because I thought it was great that the four kids and WH related so well.

But I hadn't realised that the four kids ... now all in their 30s ... had felt that WH had been so unhappy that he now deserved happiness with OW.

Several months later I had the courage to ask them all individually about whether they wanted their Dad to divorce me and therefore be happy with OW.

They were all horrified about what I had asked them. Also, at that stage, they were not aware that OW had wedged her way into our marriage, and therefore potentially broken up the family.

I now know that all the kids are supporting me, but of course, still want to be in contact with their Dad. But none of them want anything to do with OW.

With the help of my sister - unbeknown to the kids - I'm confident that WH was 'misrepresenting' the truth about them to OW.

I am finding it very hard to forgive him for telling OW that they virtually had such little respect for me.

Anyway, his turn is coming ... 'action stations' any day now

(hey, thanks again for the support ... also, TAM/CWI has helped me through this ... I am very grateful for the reassurance from you and the other people who comment on this thread...)
 
#192 ·
<<and ... 'action stations' has just begun I think ... re WH's job.>>

I would totally blow it up at this point @ WHs job and everyone else you feel should know. Can't wait to hear how that goes.

Do you know when you're heading home yet?
 
#193 ·
I am not sure when I am leaving here. Will most likely be back in Australia before Christmas.

My son is getting married early next year and I am in the middle of arranging for his, the best man and groomsman's suits being made here. Lengthy process because I relay the measurements to the local tailor, then the suits go back to Australia for fitting, then back for alteration if necessary and so on.

I would not be able to trust WH to carry this out. He is too addicted to OW to even think about his kids these days. (That comment is said without rancour ... it is a fact that he cannot be relied on to carry out tasks that do not involve OW and his job). It is very sad to observe this.

I am definitely leaving Asia; but WH will have to apply for separation. I do not agree with it, and therefore he can go ahead and separate anyway. It will be the same when we divorce. I will not apply for or cooperate at all with being divorced. WH will have to force this. (I know it is inevitable that I will be divorced in due course).

I skyped with my two daughters last night. They are disappointed in their dad, and just want me to come home. The girls and my sister have said I can go and stay with them (at their respective homes) until the dust settles and I find somewhere of my own.

I am steady on the course ahead, but there's still a roller coaster of emotions. This is so painful and I'm tearful a lot of the time, which has caught me by surprise.

It is taking me all my strength not to have someone contact OW's parents.

Tell me, someone ... how on earth do young women with young children, babies, or are pregnant ... how the hell do they get through this? I am just thankful (to God) that this didn't happen 25-30 years ago. I would never have coped ... I know that for certain.

(Oh dear, I am sounding like it is a"bad day" today ... things can only get better :)

Oh yes, they are better already ... his clothes are getting tighter and he is getting paunchier ... all yours OW - enjoy!:rofl:
 
#200 ·
Disconnected, am I reading between the lines here? Did someone else start the ball rolling for you then? or was this a happy coincidence? If it's the former, then good on ya! If it's the latter, then serendipity, my favorite thing.

Either way, it's good for you and bad for H and you will be home where people truly care for you, unlike him.
 
#201 ·
Perhaps you have an idea how the questioning might have started at the head office, and perhaps you don't - but I would understand if you chose to be cautious and not post anything either way about that here.

Just know that a lot of people are smiling about that bit of news. Ah, karma....

:D:smthumbup::D
 
#202 ·
Our youngest son arrives here on Friday, staying for ten days. All the kids chipped in to pay the airfare ... he is coming here to support me. We will go to local landmarks so that he can take photos of me there ... I don't have access to the photos taken around here over the past few years and anyway, those photos will just be a reminder of the time WH and I were together here.

My son and I will spend a few days travelling and sightseeing in another nearby province.

I am starting to do my inventory prior to leaving.

Not sure what is happening to WH on the work front. I doubt if anything will happen to him as this organisation is well-known for its "boys club". Even thought the organisation states it is an equal opportunity employer ... well, that does look good on the surface ... but lurking beneath is the very strong 'men's network'!!

I can't fight it ... and I can't be bothered fighting it. I am looking ahead to divorce ... which won't be finalised until early 2016.

I will return to Australia to be Nana and Nana Auntie "Disconnected". Three babies are due in 2014 (one grandchild and two 'Nana Auntie Disconnected' "grand(?)"children. Can't wait.

I've decided to retire and take on a really busy role as prime carer for my grandchild due in April. My daughter and SIL will both be studying full time in 2014 and this will only be possible if I live with them. They want me to help run the household and care for the baby while they attend lectures and study. (My grandson will be a creche). I think that is a GREAT idea.

I'm still experiencing many ups and downs. I just want the 'down' days to lessen ... they are horrible, and don't seem to be getting less. But not long to go now ...

Thanks for listening.
 
#204 ·
The "downs" are quite normal under the circumstances, but there are some wonderful "ups" that you have to look forward to!!

So glad to hear about your son arriving soon, and joy on the way is of course fantastic. The little ones bring to mind the idea of legacy - WH is going to be known as that old fool, and in caring for your grandchild, won't you be quite the contrast?

I wonder if it might be easier on you to sometimes think of him as having "died" in a way. His brain did! If you were widowed, you'd have to carry on and make a life for yourself. You'd have no control over that situation, and you have no control over this one - so, maybe a little mind game with yourself might help lessen the depth of some of the "downs?" Just a thought.
 
#205 ·
Hi Disconnected,

I am new to this page but have been starting to read some fellow BS threads. I really feel so deeply for all you have and are going through. Your story just strikes me as so unjust and I can't help but feel your H is going to get the most god-awful reality check one of these days. It sounds like the worst case of a MLC combined with an affair and all the other things I've learned here on TAM like the 'fog'.

I don't think he will feel it though until he feels like you are dust in the wind - an ethereal memory he can't quite capture in his hands anymore let alone his heart or thoughts because you will be so far away in a new country and a new life and a new mindset. This young Asian woman will suddenly feel like a tremendous burden and a foreign virus he needs to shake once you have left Asia back to Australia and all his kids have isolated him. Do you get a sense yourself that at some point he is going to be overwhelmed with tremendous regret? Because I do. I don't know why but I really do.

I am praying against hope it happens to me to my husband too though like you, not sure I ever want to see him back.

I wish you luck. Your story touched me.

Rosie.
 
#206 ·
WSs blame the BS for their supposed unhappiness until they can no longer. Once you are gone he will have to realize that everything he has done is all on him now. And, once the house of cards he is building with the OW collapses, he will have no one.

You, on the other hand, will have your Plan A and be fully surrounded by the love of your family and be needed and wanted as Nana.

He will not have any of this.

Best of luck to you.
 
#231 ·
Hi Pam, and Hello to others following this thread

Plan A Australia is going well. So far I have had three days of contact with nieces and 'co-share' grandchildren (ie my sister's two daughters in law, and her three grandchildren who live nearby). It has been fun ... and I am booked in for more fun this week, firstly when I mind the 14 month old boy while the Japanese niece goes to the pool and shopping, and secondly when I hang out with the Argentinian niece and her two little ones.

(I will soon know if they get sick of me ... a sure sign will be when they chip in for an airfare to send me back to Asia!!) (ha ha)

Also, my sister's widowed neighbour (and friend), who is 80 next birthday, has quite a few weeds invading her garden. Neighbour is fairly active, but mildly disinterested in her garden right now because of her active social life ... so I will go and spend an hour or two each day attacking the weeds (weather permitting).

At nearly 80 (and being widowed for the past five years) she deserves to enjoy herself visiting friends. I will just take my radio with me and potter around for an hour or two here and there over the next few weeks. The garden will then be manageable for her by Christmas.

You just never know what's around the corner ... maybe if/when I am 80 someone will want to come and weed for me!! And if not, then too bad ... all the fun will be mine!
 
#207 ·
Pam is so very right ...

I remember my Grand Aunt's oft-repeated sayings : There will come a time in your life, when you meet up with old friends or acquaintances, the question on their lips is NOT "how much do you have in the bank now?" or "how much are you earning?" ... But "how many children or grandchildren do you have?". And THAT is the true measure of wealth.

And THAT, disconnected, is what you will have ALWAYS.

(((HUGS)))
 
#209 ·
Pam is so very right ...

I remember my Grand Aunt's oft-repeated sayings : There will come a time in your life, when you meet up with old friends or acquaintances, the question on their lips is NOT "how much do you have in the bank now?" or "how much are you earning?" ... But "how many children or grandchildren do you have?". And THAT is the true measure of wealth.
:(
What if you could only have one kid?
 
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