Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
See less See more
#212 ·
A young couple - late 30s - friends of my kids - tried for several years to have children. Eventually they saved enough for IVF.

Before proceeding with IVF someone suggested that they try acupuncture. They thought "well, why not, we've tried everything else - let's give it a go before we go to our first IVF appointment".

Several weeks after the acupuncture they turned up for the IVF treatment. It is routine for a pregnancy test to be carried out before IVF is started. The young couple said that there's no way they could be pregnant ... boy were they surprised (and "over the moon") to find that they were having a baby - BEFORE I V F even began!!

Their beautiful healthy daughter arrived just before Christmas in 2011.

At the beginning of 2013 I heard that they had gone along to acupuncture once again, and were happily pregnant with their second child ... and were now 18 weeks into the pregnancy.

Unfortunately the baby was miscarried not long after. The couple were devastated of course. But after all they had been through, and because they were heading for their 40s, they decided 'enough is enough' about trying to get pregnant again ...

They decided that their one and only precious daughter would be their sole focus, and therefore would not be going through any more heartbreak with the uncertainty of having more children.

They are a wonderful young (40-ish) couple who are getting on with their lives, in a state of total "besotted-ment" with their gorgeous nearly 2 year old.

I can't wait to catch up with them when I get back home.
 
#213 ·
"Action Stations" turned out to be a fizzer, even though it had the potential to go "BOOM"!!

I reckon WH has lied his way through.

Well, another good reason to feel good about returning to Australia.

I don't think I will ever know how he got away with it.

The old saying "cheats never prosper" hasn't happened in WH's case. I wish it would though!
 
#214 ·
<<The old saying "cheats never prosper" hasn't happened in WH's case. I wish it would though!>>

Well, it may take a long time, or it may happen in a way you just don't see. 'Prosper' can mean many things, not just $$ or visual success.

We have some wealthy clients who seem to have everything, but not all of them are happy. Most of the senior partners are on their second wives, one family was dealing with alcoholism,depression including their son and divorce. The father was sometimes derided at the firm for being a 'family man' who was railing against the travel and long hours necessary. The most senior partner's 2nd wife, a lovely lady, cannot go to a function without becoming so intoxicated she has trouble walking afterwards. Who knows what goes on at home. At one time her H was jealous of her gay friend and they had an argument in front of our employee about it.
Not everything is always as it appears. Your H will find out soon enough.
 
#215 ·
I'm at the airport with my son, waiting to board our flight to Australia in a few hours.

I feel very sad at leaving Asia, but looking forward to being with my family again.

WH definitely only wants our separation to go ahead. Unbeknown to him, I feel the same way. His behaviour has been beyond disgraceful.

Looking forward to life without him.
 
#216 ·
Welcome back DE because by the time you read this you should be back in Oz which is where I live too!

You will be experiencing many and mixed emotions and you are also leaving Asia which you are clearly fond of. We humans are not terribly well equipped for change. Imagine that you are a little sail boat heading off on a voyage. Some days will be sunny with a soft gentle breeze and others will bring storm clouds buffeting you about. But each day will bring you closer to the morning you wake up to see land in sight in the distance. Dunno what brought out the poetic side of me.:rolleyes:

It seems it isn't an easy path for any of us BS whether we stay or leave. I for one, feel very glad that at this stage my WH no longer has control over whether I am going to have a good day or a bad one.:D I'm still with him but it's neither R nor D, treading water.

Your situation reminded me of a famous Australian and his situation. I couldn't help but seek out an article for you to read on your return. I think you will have a little chuckle.

The wives of Rupert Murdoch | Independent Australia

You're doing just fine.:smthumbup:
 
#218 ·
Another couple with the same age difference as WH and OW is Woody Allen and Soon Yi. A 37 year age difference is almost two generations. (One of my friends was a young grandmother at 35 ... so it is not inconceivable that WH could be OW's (very young) grandfather).

WH is 64. One of my Asian (female) friends is a very elegant, sophisticated, beautiful and very young looking 50 years old. Now if WH and my friend were having an affair, then I would consider it to be 'no contest' as far as I am concerned. I would not be able to compete with someone like my friend. Their age difference would only be 14 years. By the way, my friend would never consider taking up with WH.

But the 37 years between WH and OW is just gross. (I truly mean no offence to the genuine couples who have such an age difference). My main concern about the age difference between WH and OW is the effect this so called "friendship" is having on my adult children. I just hate what this 'friendship' has done to their relationship with their Dad. All four are trying to stay on the fence and not take sides, but I know for certain that they are all hurt by this. And - unexpectedly - they have all become a little closer to me.
 
#220 ·
I think your children will eventually learn the lesson that all right-thinking, reasonable adult children learn when a parent makes an a*s of him/herself. At first, the impulse is to be fair and mature and to essentially mind your own business. Later, the feeling is very definitely that you should have told the parent where to get off.

My father married a nutcase in his grief after my mother died. This was the first woman who paid attention to him and he was desperate. We all respected his right to choose, blah, blah. The new wife was a nightmare, though, and in retrospect I have always said that I should have been honest with my father at the time about my feelings. Why not be honest? The impulse to assuage as a sign of maturity is misplaced, in my opinion.
 
#221 ·
Is this my new life? If so, then the future is looking good ...

On Thursday my sister and I went to visit the Japanese partner of my 'second' nephew. After an hour my sister had to leave for work. Not planned - but I ended up babysitting my 14 month old grandnephew while his Mum went to the pool for a workout, after which she went grocery shopping.

I remember how much I would appreciate a little time to myself to get chores done during the days I had little ones. It was always so much easier and faster doing shopping etc by myself. It also recharged the batteries, and broke the mundane routine. I was also very pleased to get back to my little ones again.

Oh, my 'niece' really appreciated the chance to have a little time to herself. She is four months pregnant so the pool workout was really good for her. And being able to just zip around the supermarket by herself with no pressure was so much more relaxing.

She was so grateful ... but really, the gratefulness was all mine. The baby slept most of the time so it was very relaxing for me.

I am 'booked' in for a similar session next Tuesday.

On Friday I went to visit the Argentinian partner of my 'third' nephew. She needed to go and sit for her new driver's licence, which meant that my nephew would need to take time out from work to look after the nearly 3 year old and the 14 month old.

Instead, I stayed to look after the children. My nephew was pleased to be able to stay at work, and my 'niece' was able to do last minute study while the 14 month old slept - at the same time I took the 3 year old for an outing to the shops.

The walk to and from the shops took ages, but it was very educational for the boy, and a walk back in time for me on how toddlers think. Our walk to the shops was very educational ... identifying colours of flowers, and identifying numbers on letterboxes.

On return home, my 'niece' went off to take the test while I was left in charge of these two delightful children. We played jumping on the mattress, school (the 3 year old was the teacher while the toddler, bunny, toy dog, and I were the students ... he was supposed to be teaching us Mickey Mouse, but he wasn't too good at it as he kept skipping to the pages that he liked!!). It was hilarious.

The racing cars down the spirals game was a lot of fun. The 14 month old spent most of his time pretending to give me a toy, then toddling off in the other direction, giggling really hard while still holding onto the toy (from toy dinosaur to little car to extendable pointer). They both also had a lot of fun with my torch and magnifying glass.

My 'niece' passed the driving licence test so took an extra half hour to celebrate with her Chilean friend (female...).

After she arrived home she prepared to go to the shops with the two children. So I just stayed on and went with them. We had a good chat along the way, while the 3 year old revisited all the letter boxes he had encountered earlier in the day...

My two nieces were so appreciative of the time they had to do chores quickly by themselves ... but I got so much more out of it. I should have been thanking them!

I hardly think about my ex ... out of sight = out of mind. The next time we will see each other is at our older son's wedding in February.

A question for anyone who is reading this ... should I consider getting cosmetic work done on my face?

I would like to look good in the wedding photos.

It would not be a way of getting back with my ex ... that will never happen after the stupidity he has put me through. Also, I know for certain he does not want to come back to me.

(I know that my three grand-nephews who I babysat this week would not care less ... to them I am "Nana Auntie Disconnected" ... and nor would my lovely little grandson care).

I think I have just answered my own question ...

Thanks for listening ...
 
#228 ·
Is this my new life? If so, then the future is looking good ...
DC you sound great. what a family and hey you guys are like the United Nations. :D
Isn't is lovely to be around loved ones who love you? With my WH I have been in an unloving space for a long time. It is a bleak place. Unfortunately my 2 sons (not WH's) live in Europe and I miss them terribly. I think of the loving space we had when they were growing up. I have a daughter who is still with me. WH has brought a dark energy to my once happy, healthy and loving home, with his mantle of deceit.
My ex-husband (we get on very well) who knows the situation has bought my sons air tickets to come at Christmas to cheer me up.:D My 3 children know about WS's behaviour. I have never kept anything from them once they got to a certain age. When I read about your return it reminded me of the wonderful joy I will have at Christmas with my 3 children on the boys' return. I am SO happy that you are in your family's warm embrace again and they need you more than they ever did.
A question for anyone who is reading this ... should I consider getting cosmetic work done on my face?
I would like to look good in the wedding photos.
It would not be a way of getting back with my ex ... that will never happen after the stupidity he has put me through. Also, I know for certain he does not want to come back to me.
DC do whatever it is that pleases you. And I see you are doing it for you, not your ex. I see nothing wrong with it and never have. We use makeup, we colour our hair and I think it's no different. I myself have been having Botox for a few years, just around the eyes and it gets rid of the crow's feet. Costs about $500 every 3 or 4 months. I have often considered an eye lift and I may still have one. The eye work makes me look fresher and gets rid of the tired look. Go for it! It's time to pamper yourself now and do as you please. Take yourself off on a cruise or some kind of holiday after the little ones have arrived. Cruises are great because you meet lots of people. I don't mean you would go on one to meet a man by the way. Heavens no. Just a little adventure.
The OW will start putting pressure on WS now she knows you are back in Australia. Just you wait. :)She will start talking about marriage and babies. Oh dear! She is interested in his wallet. End of story. Once she starts that it will lose the gloss for him. The gloss and excitement goes anyway in all relationships and he will come out of his fog with a thud heh heh!
I may be wrong but that is my feeling. He has had a V so she can't have babies with him. Hmmmm! Almost every woman wants to have a baby. I predict you will be on the sidelines chortling at them soon. As someone says 'enjoy the show':)
Glad you are enjoying life DC.
It's not easy to do what you have done especially after such a long marriage.
Well done!
 
#223 ·
Hi Dis

Congrats on the joy you have found in your life. You have worked hard and earned it. I have admired how graciously you have conducted yourself throughout your struggles.

You say that you have answered your own question about cosmetic surgery, so perhaps this is late in coming...but...

I am a BS, 57 years and I thought about cosmetic surgery too. My H put me through a lot over the past decade of our marriage and then topped it off with EA's with 3 women. I was done with him and let him know we were divorcing. Well, he shocked me by turning his entire life around and we have been in a successful R for about 21 months now.

I was already considering it when I thought H and I were done, and H actually offered it to me once we were in R. I think he was trying to give me back the years he had taken from me, the years he berated me and made me feel bad about myself.

I haven't done it yet, I want to take more weight off my face before I do, but I intend to. Its something I am going to do, strictly for me....to reflect on the outside the renewal I feel on the inside. I think the good surgeons bring out the ageless beauty a woman has rather than making them look freakishly young....YUCK!

Aren't consultations free? May be fun! FWIW
 
#224 ·
It must be something about the age, but 'freshening' up when you're around our age is a common desire. I didn't go the major surgery route, but spent time with a cosmetic dermatologist who did some tweaking here and there and I'm very happy with the results. There were 'markers of my life' that I just wanted erased or smoothed out & now they are. I think I'm the only one who notices, but I love having the change. I also decided to go for broke with cosmetic dentistry. Glad I did that, too.
 
#225 · (Edited)
Wow, you sound like you have quite an International family there !!!!!

So, so happy for you !!!!

Hope some of them will find time to visit your WH in the care home one day :p .....

Your timeline is so close to mine.

I am moving on ... I have retained my lawyers since July. Not much progress. STBXH is showing a side of him which no one believes he is capable of.

Do I give a damn ??? NO ... I have my son. I have my family. I have his family. I have our friends.

Ooops, time for me own updates ... Sorry :)

Enjoy your life now.

Only way to move forward.

(((HUGSSSS)

***thinking of you always even though I do not post often here ***
 
#227 ·
Sounds like you are doing great!

One thing though, though I doubt it matters to you now in all your fabulousness:

I will bet you a squillion Aussie dollars that OW doesn't know WH has had a vasectomy. Do you really think WH wants to go back to nappies and sleepless nights? But he won't give her up because he is a dirty cake eater and liar to boot.

Perhaps if she found out, she might drop him like a sack of potatoes?

ETA: your WH is a silly old coot who is getting scammed. Enjoy the show ;)
 
#230 ·
Sounds like you are doing great!

One thing though, though I doubt it matters to you now in all your fabulousness:

I will bet you a squillion Aussie dollars that OW doesn't know WH has had a vasectomy. Do you really think WH wants to go back to nappies and sleepless nights? But he won't give her up because he is a dirty cake eater and liar to boot.

Perhaps if she found out, she might drop him like a sack of potatoes?

ETA: your WH is a silly old coot who is getting scamm'ed. Enjoy the show ;)
re vasectomy ...

back in February I pointed out to him that he had had a vasectomy in 1983.

(Surely he couldn't have forgotten anything as significant as that!!)

That same week I came across an email exchange between WH and OW where he explains "vasectomy" to her.

From her response I know that she understands the implications.

But I recall seeing a further email where they discuss 'children' ie OW asks him ... "if the baby wakes in the night and I am tired, will you get up to the baby to take to the toilet, get a drink of water etc"

WH responded to that 'condition' with ... "you know I will. You know that I always got up in the night to my children" (ie our four children who are now all in their 30s)

(WH has/had lost the plot ...he implied that I lazily slept on while he got up ALL night EVERY night!! to care for our children)

In his dreams!! ... :scratchhead:

WH says some nutty things some times ...
 
#229 ·
I am sorry to hear about this sad (but so common in Asia) situation. So many foolish men (I am a man) duped by lissom young Asian girls (mostly Filipino). I live in Hong Kong and we see this situation repeated so often.

Why would the other woman go for this person so much older? In most cases it is purely to enhance their situation (money, passport, citizenship etc).

Often it burns out when he finds out that he will be supporting the whole family (Auntie this, who needs a hip operation; Cousin that who needs to go to university etc).

If you really want him back, I hope this will be the situation for you.

topjoss
 
#238 ·
I've just returned to my sister and BIL's place after spending four days with my daughter, SIL, and grandson. It is great being "Nana".

Still waiting to hear the outcome of 'action stations'. Head office approached me 2 weeks ago, asking several questions as to why I left Asia. Following that WH was going to be asked his version of the 'friendship'.

WH is wanting to press ahead quickly with formal separation, especially on the financial aspects. He wants our second son to be the go-between. I've relayed a strong message back that WH talks to me directly re separation and finances, or else it will get expensive dealing through lawyers. His choice!!

Reason for WH dealing with me directly is that he is influencing and manipulating our kids with his distorted version of the friendship. He has gotten away with too much regarding his version of events. He still insists to the kids that he and OW are only friends. (His emails that I managed to intercept at various times suggest something much more than friendship).
 
#237 ·
I hope so. He has betrayed me, and the kids. But he has also betrayed the organisation and the trust placed in him...

Personally, I don't think that OW is worth what WH is going to lose ... or might lose. WH is such an accomplished liar these days that he could still get away with it.

We shall see ...

Overall, it is a very sad situation all round.
 
#242 ·
Still in waiting mode for 'action stations' to begin. Shouldn't be long now.

WH is applying a little pressure re separation and property/financial agreement. I've ignored his three emails so far ... but I know I will have to face up to this soon.

His actions over the past year have split the family apart ... which brings me to this :

I am grappling with whether or not to somehow let OW's parents know about their daughter's 'close friendship' with a married man ... ie WH. I have a way of distancing myself from the 'exposure' and am wondering whether or not to let things happen.

But there is also the possibility that OW's parents will be very proud of their daughter's exploits in 'bagging' a 'foreigner'.

As time goes on it is becoming so much easier in accepting the situation. I no longer want to be married to him - which is fine by him because he only wants to be with OW.
 
#244 ·
Hi. I share your belief!

After a year of being on the receiving end of WH and OW 'calling the shots', I now feel that things are turning.

2013 has turned out to be dreadful year for my marriage, which is why I am counting down the days until 2014.

I heard via family members that Head Office is still deciding whether or not WH will keep his job. The longer the decision-making goes on the less likely they will keep him on.

I am hopeful that 2014 will be a great year for me ... and that WH and OW will deservedly meet the karma bus head on!
 
#246 ·
So glad to see you taking charge of this situation!

I know that having a family member available to help with childcare is a godsend to young parents - you are going to be worth your weight in gold to them.

I do suggest you have your son - the one getting married - make it very clear to your STBXH that the OW is not welcome at the wedding - as in she'll be carried out if she shows up.

There's no fool like an old fool they say...
 
#252 ·
Lady,

You are an inspiration. You have handled this gracefully. I don't think I would ever be as compassion, as graceful as you are. You even feel compassion toward OW and her parents.

I also live in Asia, and I have seen this too many times. Now that your STBXH has lost his job, he will see the true nature of his much younger girlfriend. They don't have anything in common, they don't have shared values to hold them together. I actually feel sorry for him. Not only he has lost his best friend (you), his partner who was ready to spend the rest of your life together, he now has lost his job...and soon, reality will come crashing down on him. Now, he is just an old guy to her. Oh well, maybe she hangs around for residence permit to Australia (if that's her goal), but as soon as she gets it, your husband will end up in a nursing home, alone...regretting his decision.

Meanwhile, you continue to prosper and live a love-filled life with your family and loved ones. Good luck and kudos to your strength. If I have half of yours, I know I'll be okay no matter what life throws at me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top