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I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
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#254 · (Edited)
Thanks for responding - and 'liking' - I truly appreciate all the comments and support. TAM/CWI has been my lifeline, especially when I was so alone in Asia.

Today is 42 years since we got married. I thought I would be devastated, but funnily enough I'm not. So that's a good outcome. Also, I am house-sitting and cat-minding for my son and his fiancée for a week, which is a lot of fun because the cat is a little crazy and half wild!!

Also, I can barely believe what is happening now ... I just heard through the grapevine that WH is desolate at losing his job.

OW will not be happy either.

:smthumbup:
 
#255 ·
I think there is a terrible alone and abandoned feeling that one gets when one discovers infidelity, but being alone in Asia had to intensify that for you. So it's good to hear that in some small way we have been a source of comfort and support for you.

It's not very nice to smile at someone else's misfortune, but when the karma bus smacked your STBXH, I think it was hard not to react by feeling that justice had been served.

So glad to hear that you weren't devastated by the anniversary. Sounds like kitty is keeping you entertained! It's so nice to think of you close to family and more at peace - and it's nice of the universe to be doing its part to keep the scales of karmic justice in balance.

;)
 
#256 ·
<<So now the question becomes, what good is he to her without an income? Is he going to be burning through your savings to support her family now, or will she just dump him to chase a new sugar daddy? And if she does dump him, how long before he's knocking on your door?>>

Not just the income, but the business connections is what she seems to have wanted, and those will all be tainted now when they know he was fired and you left him. it speaks volumes about his character. Who would want to hire someone his age with that baggage. He now sleeps in the bed he has made. ;)
 
#258 · (Edited)
Hi Pam, it is good to hear from you.

WH's job was a 'one in a million' opportunity for him ... and we both knew it. Now he is unemployed and will most likely have to apply for welfare, or find a much lesser paying job - which will be very difficult at his age.

I alerted WH several times that he was risking his job, but he didn't listen to me. He thought he was 'above the rules'. He just wouldn't listen

It is unlikely that I will find out if WH and OW are together in Australia ... but really, it doesn't matter much now. The marriage is over - it can never be rebuilt.

Funny thing though ... when WH was desolate at losing his job and looking for sympathy from our oldest girl, she apparently said that the best thing he could do was buy a huge bunch of flowers and come looking for me!!

That was 3 days ago - and FORTUNATELY I haven't received anything via interflora nor seen him walking up the driveway (with flowers in hand).:lol:
 
#259 ·
Christmas Day was fantastic!
I was at my sister and BIL's home. My sister's five grandchildren came for the day. Kids everywhere! It was so exciting!!
Nana Auntie Disconnected was included in EVERYTHING ... I have bonded with all my sister's grandchildren ... they are great kids...


I skyped my nearly 3 year old grandson as he is in another part of Australia. My daughter and SIL were spending the day with SIL's family as they live in that region.

My eldest son and his fiancée came to my sister's house for the morning before they headed up north for their holiday with his future parents in law.

My eldest daughter and her fiancé had already travelled south for Christmas with her in-laws. We had a lively Skype session ...

My youngest son (32) started 24 hours duty at his fire station. I'm so proud of him!

and for WH?? he has lost his job. He remains in Asia, but only for a very short while ... he is inventorising our personal effects before packing for return to Australia.

It looks like "incoming" has struck bullseye!!!

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

(On Christmas Eve he mentioned to my eldest son that he had lost everything ... his job, his marriage ... and I am left wondering whether OW is still on the scene? I hope she is ... they deserve each other).

Thank you TAM/CWI for getting me through 2013. I hope everything works out for those who are coping with infidelity. This time last year I would never have believed that I would have gotten through to the "acceptance" stage by Christmas 2013. Thank you again to all those who have provided me with such good advice, and for an excellent listening "ear".
 
#260 ·
Merry Christmas, Disconnected ... Am so happy to hear that you are surrounded by so much love ! >3

I have been on this board on and off lurking but have not yet posted any updates. At a stage of being a bit battle weary. The other day before me and son travelled for our hols, my therapist asked me something about the physical appearance of my STBXH and for a while, I was stumped .... I honestly don't remember much of what he looks like anymore ! I don't know if that is good or bad ...

Anyway, like you, I am so thankful of the people here on CWI who 'held our hands' and cyber-wise 'wiped away our tears' during those early very painful stage ...

You have a fab New Year ahead, Disconnected ... We have been dragged down to our lowest ebb ... It can only be an upward spiral from now onwards ... Cheers and lots of hugs !!!
 
#261 ·
Hi OTM ... really good to hear from you ...

I am just heading out the door to go house-sitting (in reality, cat-sitting) for oldest son and fiancée ... will be back online later tonight.

Wishing and hoping that all is well with you, your son, and of course "doggie".

Just to say that when I first saw "doggie" on your thread it really lifted my spirits. I saw 'doggie' as a turning point ... it was a beacon for me that there was hope for my future ...

gotta go ...
 
#263 ·
Well I certainly never saw this coming!!

On Xmas Eve WH was sent back to Asia to pack our personal effects. He was told not to have any contact with other company employees.

He was away for over a month, but has now returned to Australia. He is currently living in a tent on our lifestyle block while he waits for accommodation to become vacant, which he will then move in to.

The details are sketchy, and might not be accurate, but it appears that OW headed back to the village as he was about to depart for Australia. Apparently he was devastated.

He is now looking for work.

I haven't seen him since late October. It is possible that I might see him next week - I can't see any problem with that because I now have a life that doesn't include him.

It will be very easy for me to be cordial and friendly when we see each other at elder son's wedding in a couple of weeks.

I have been on the move since Christmas ... housesitting/cat-dog minding/visiting other relatives etc. I am now back staying with my sister and bil, until the wedding. I will be looking after my son and dil's cat while they are on honeymoon, before
heading south to live with my daughter, sil, and grandson for 6 months, waiting for our granddaughter to be born some time in April. That will give me a few months' breathing space before I embark on my next career move!!

I will move back to live near my sister and bil, and will apply to be a bus driver!! Can't wait ...

I checked out the transport organisation re age requirements, and I was told that my age - 65 - is not an issue ... and that I will be given full training. Provided I get through the interviews and training, I envisage working for at least 5 years.

What a great way to end my working life ...

Thank you TAM/CWI people for listening to all this. I can't believe how all this has turned out so far ...
 
#266 ·
Well... I am in awe of you, disconnected! Literally in awe.

When I read that your WH is living in a tent and that you are planning to drive a bus, I laughed out loud. What a perfect way to make sure that the karma bus leaves some final tire tracks on his cheating back. LOL. Seriously. I'm so glad you're doing so well. Right will out in the end.
 
#273 · (Edited)
The last few weeks have been busy and eventful.

In late Feb my son and daughter in law married ... she looked stunningly beautiful and my son looked very handsome (according to his proud mother - ME!).

I sat next to WH at the chapel and the reception. I kept everything as amicable as possible ... at the same time I had to remind him to turn off his cellphone - twice!!). My earlier recollection of OW is of her phoning or texting WH whenever he was with me, or other family members ... OW does her best to be as disruptive as possible during family times (meal times, outings etc) ... I couldn't take the risk of her phoning or texting during the ceremony, or during the speeches at the reception.

WH became quite animated a couple of times when trying to discuss 'money' matters with me. (He has always managed our finances and he is not very happy right now that I am THE 'decisionmaker' as regards a pension fund I joined 30 years ago. (There is a God!!)

After the reception was over I hugged WH for around two minutes before we went our separate ways ... for me it was 'goodbye' - for him it was a huge joke, thinking that I wanted us to get back together. (WRONG!!)

In early March I moved south to stay with my daughter, SIL, and grandson, to await the birth of my granddaughter. BUT after three weeks, I returned to my sister's place. My daughter clearly supports WH, and had tried several times to start blazing arguments with me. Finally, I just had to leave.

I made sure not to argue with her as she was in the late stages of pregnancy. I drove three hours back to my sister's, and had to stop twice as it was very upsetting. I miss my grandson very much, especially taking him to the local playparks. He is a delightful little guy.

My daughter was scheduled to undergo an elective caesarean on 14 April. So without telling her and SIL, I went south the next day to see the new baby. I walked into her hosp room to be greeted with "what are you doing here?" I responded with "Where's the baby?"

It was quite funny ... the caesarean had been rescheduled for the Wednesday!! Haha - I got caught out that time.

So last Saturday I travelled south and back and met my beautiful little granddaughter, and spent a couple of hours with my lovely grandson. D and SIL on the other hand were very cool and distant. (I'm not worried too much ... they will come around eventually).

I think my family situation is quite sad at the moment, but time does heal things - I HOPE!! WH and OW are responsible for a lot of grief ... I am not sure if OW is still on the scene, and I am now not worried if she is.

There has been so much 'division' amongst the kids, and I have felt very excluded from my immediate family. My sister and BIL said not to worry as they know everything re the situation, especially my version of events, which they will be sure to pass on to my kids at the right time.

In the meantime, I am concentrating on applying for the 'bus driver' position. My application went in today so hopefully it won't be too long till I hear something.

Even though I haven't been writing much on TAM/CWI recently, I have still been visiting/reading up on others' situations/predicaments. Many/many sad posts, but some very hopeful ones as well.
 
#274 ·
My daughter clearly supports WH, and had tried several times to start blazing arguments with me. Finally, I just had to leave.


There has been so much 'division' amongst the kids, and I have felt very excluded from my immediate family. My sister and BIL said not to worry as they know everything re the situation, especially my version of events, which they will be sure to pass on to my kids at the right time.
Why is your daughter siding with your WH ?

What is the source of the division amongst your kids ?

Are they not aware of what your WH is doing, and that there is an OW ?
 
#277 ·
Adult children often react to divorce worse than much younger children do.

I was married 45 years before pulling the plug last year (after he cheated with the same woman he had cheated with 30 years previously). Everyone, including my 42 year old son, felt I should just stick it out to the end. No one I knew supported my decision to divorce but I did it anyway and I'm glad I did. I wanted peace in my life. I have it now. I hope you find it too.
 
#279 ·
Hi chaparral and turnera

thanks for asking the questions

Between May and July last year I spoke to all the kids ... the older two individually, and the younger two together.

I said that WH was involved with OW - that I wasn't sure if it was a PA or EA. I told them that WH had strenuously denied a PA. I gave them limited details (so as not to destroy him in their eyes) and was looking to them for support so that their dad would see what was at risk because of his 'close friendship' with OW - ie the disintegration of our family unit.

WH is very persuasive and can strongly influence others towards his points of view. The only way he has been able to sway the kids is to 'rubbish' me. (For my part, I can't have been easy to live with in recent years because of intense study and stressful work situation ... but I never knew that my marriage was at risk - I REALLY/TRULY did not know).

My sister and BIL know 'everything' and eventually the truth will come out. In the meantime I just have to put up with this and focus on finding my own small place near the city and getting into the next bus driver intake.
 
#282 ·
:iagree:

I will hold off from any confrontation with the kids for now - which is not usually my style. I'm more vocal than WH, who tends to manoeuvre behind the scenes.

I'm waiting to see how much further WH's situation descends ... because from what has occurred so far, things are not going well for him.

Over the years I have not won any/many 'discussions' or arguments with WH ... he is very clever and quite formidable to come up against. I generally just 'roll over' and accept his point of view because it usually makes sense.

Now - well I do not go along with what he says or wants. For example, WH wants me to start collecting from my private pension scheme - but because I am the 'decisionmaker' as far as the contributions go, I am still paying into it while I continue to be on leave from the organisation I work/worked for. When we reach a settlement/agreement, these funds will become matrimonial property and he will be entitled to half.

He would like me to take an initial lump sum followed by smaller weekly payments ... my inclination is not to take the lump sum and just receive the higher weekly payments. I think my choice is more sound than his.

I am starting to stand up to him - after all these years. It is scarey, but can be quite empowering sometimes.

I appreciate your comments and advice.
 
#281 ·
So he has them convinced you drove him into the arms of a very young oriental woman and you think they will just figure that out. As a matter of fact, it sounds like you are partially blaming yourself.

Its more than odd that a daughter would not want her mother there at the birth of her child. What are they saying he said?
 
#283 · (Edited)
Thanks for the comments.

WH blames me for the disintegration of our marriage.:scratchhead:

If I had been 'everything I am not' ... or 'done everything he wanted' ... then things might have been ok/he might have been happy ... (REALLY??)

I see the problem as me being the one who was employed for 25 years by the organisation - at home and overseas. When the roles were reversed three years ago, and he managed to secure a very good contract in Asia ... well, it went to his head. He thought he was above 'the rules'.

When I finally left Asia 6 months ago WH thought he had the life he wanted ... the job (and the prestige that went with it) and the OW -- no nasty wife to disrupt his plans or bring him down to earth.

As soon as I departed Asia, the company asked questions; they came to the right conclusion and eventually cancelled his contract.

IMHO the company knew I could be trusted and therefore the alarm bells started ringing about his trustworthiness.

++++++++

Regarding my daughter ... she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and live her own life. Hopefully she will come around at some stage. In the meantime I will travel south every two weeks to see my baby granddaughter and take my grandson to the park (on the local bus!!).

++++++++

All up - nobody has died and as far as I know we are all in good health. Therefore, I count my blessings every day. Things could be an awful lot worse ...
 
#284 ·
Remember that, if you never stood up to him and he was that manipulative or controlling, it's quit common for the kids to grow up taking his side, sick as that sound. Read up about kids of abuse; it's scary. You may have to tell them to ****** off if they won't respect you, so they can finally LEARN to respect you.
 
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