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I never saw this coming

52K views 283 replies 53 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband and I are in our early 60s, and have been married for over 40 years. We have four adult children ranging in age from early to late 30s, and one toddler grandchild.

I have been working for an international organisation for over 20 years, and this has involved being assigned overseas four times during that period. My husband has (willingly and enthusiastically) accompanied me as a 'trailing' spouse.

Our marriage has been stable and enjoyable, and as far as I was aware, we were totally committed to each other. We were working towards a happy retirement together, concentrating on our children and being available as hands-on grandparents.

During my last assignment for this organisation (in north Asia), my husband was engaged by my employer for a specific project, which could last as long as five years. In order to accompany him I was approved "leave without pay" for the duration of his contract.

Life was great. We were happy to have this opportunity as it was great for us financially as we headed into retirement at the end of his contract. It was also a chance for my husband to have a very meaningful job as opposed to househusband.

In July 2012 I returned to Australia for six months to care for my grandchild as one of my children undertook a military deployment to the Middle East. During that time though my husband and an Asian woman in her 20s began an EA.

I was unaware of this EA until I was re-united in Australia with my husband in Dec, and instantly noticed a change in him. At first I thought it was because he was tired after the long flight - but as the days went on I sensed a distance between us. He said he was tired, and that I was imagining things.

After a week of puzzling about why he was so detached I managed to get into his emails. I went into shock on reading the inappropriate comments he was making to this YAW (young Asian woman). For her part, she did nothing to 'shut him down' from going along this path.

I had an outburst in late Dec, aiming some pretty severe comments at him. He has used that outburst as a way of being the victim in an unhappy marriage, and is refusing to end the EA with his "Asian friend".

We returned to Asia late January, and have tried to get our marriage back on track. He has said that we should give it time.

But unknown to him at that time, I managed to locate some disturbing incriminating email exchanges. These two are talking about "marriage, babies, etc" ... he is in his 60s and she is in her 20s.

In some of the emails he declared to her that "all my children want me to be free, and be happy and to divorce ******* " (ie me). He also declared to her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years.

Well, him being unhappy for over 20 years was news to me!! He absolutely loved going overseas ... it meant he could travel and follow his interests (while I worked very long hours in the office). (I would have given anything for our situations to be reversed ... and then finally they were in mid 2011).

But now all he can say to me is that he can't live with me any longer, and that YAW (young Asian woman) has nothing to do with this. He says that the state of our marriage is something totally separate from his platonic friendship with YAW.

He keeps saying that he has no "emotional connection" with me, and doubts if he ever will again.

In the meantime, YAW continues to text and phone him, and of course emails him constantly. (I no longer have access to his emails as he changed the password once I confronted him about the contents etc).

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.

He hardly spends any time with me, and is totally consumed by his friendship (?) with YAW. YAW enjoys all the attention from her very own K.I.S.A. (yuk)

He emphasised to me that they are not sleeping together. He said that her culture would not allow this. He is just happy to be her "friend".

I have always trusted and believed my husband. But he is totally different these days. He says that I am always arguing with him, but that is not true. He is the one who has changed from a stable, calm man to someone who is constantly anxious, agitated, and argumentative.

Three weeks ago I returned to Australia to stay with family and visit friends, for about ten weeks. Hopefully that will give him some time to concentrate on his job, and to try and think about his and our future.

I am hoping (and praying) that we will come through this and therefore want to get back together with me.

I have only come across this website/forum three days ago, and read with interest (and sympathy) the threads started by littlerockette, committed1217, and overthemoon88.

I am frightened that I will lose my wonderful husband ... actually, I think my wonderful husband is now something in the past, because he has changed so much ... he is just not the same person any more.

One further thing - I was very upset when I read that "all" our children wanted him to divorce me. I have since had the courage to ask three of them singly whether this was true, and they each said it wasn't. "All" the children have not told him that he should divorce me.

For several weeks I just withdrew into myself, thinking I was so useless as their mother that they would tell him to do this (ie divorce me).

I am so worried about him. I think he is suffering from K.I.S.A syndrome.

I would welcome any advice on what to do.

Thank you for reading this.
 
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#2 ·
I'll go with the opening gambit here.... but there are other posters who are better than I am.....

He may still be "sampling" her which means he is not sure that he wants this new life but obviously likes having it both ways. File for divorce to let him know that he must choose. In most places, once you file, you can reverse if he shows adequate remorse for choosing to have an EA and possibly PA with this woman.

Tell your children and other family members and weigh up the benefits versus risks of letting people at his work know about it.

Best wishes in whatever you choose to do....
 
#3 ·
Hello Next Time Around ... thank you for such a quick response.

We currently live in an Asian capital, even though I am in Australia for the next seven weeks.

FYI the only grounds for divorce in our home country is irreconcilable differences. Divorce can only go through after a two year separation.

I have told three of the children. I am relucatant to discuss with the fourth child as he/she was the one deployed to the Middle East, and will probably blame themselves for this happening while I was in Australia caring for my grandchild. I am going to see this 'child' in ten days and will discuss with him/her then. But just to reiterate that my coming back to Australia for that 6 months to look after the grandchild is not the reason the EA happened. I don't want that 'child' to have any guilt feelings at all. In fact, my husband was very enthusiastic about his/her military deployment and agreed wholeheartedly with me returning to Australia for 'grandchild duties'.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
 
#6 ·
How awful - I'm so sorry. But he sounds like an absolute idiot - what possible reason could a 20 year old woman have for being interested in someone 40 years older than her?

His distance from you has everything to do with this woman as does his rewriting of history to make him feel better about what he's doing. Whatever happens you can't let him carry on with this woman and still be married to you. Are you financially independent of him? I know it's hard and that you will be scared of the answer but he needs an ultimatum - be prepared for him to choose her. He's flattered by the attentions of this woman - there's really no fool like an old fool. I think you should tell your kids too, be prepared for him to get angry about that
 
#18 ·
Yeah, men really fool themselves about this. I hate to sound cold and practical, but really, what use does a young attractive woman have for married older man unless he has money (more than she does at least), good connections or the promise of a visa to get out of the hell hole that she's in.

Even Murdoch's wife broke up at least one marriage and committed adultery before she got to Murdoch.
 
#8 ·
Hello Dollystanford, thank you for your comments.

H is 63 and OW is 27. (A very young and immature 27. OW life has been very sheltered compared to most Western young people of the same age). They met online 5 years ago while I was very busy at the office. He was making a product and she is the agent for a packaging company in the Asian capital that we are living in. Their connection was all about his product and her company's packaging. It progressed to an EA in Sep/Oct 2012 while I was in Australia on "grandparent duties".

I find it very hard to see why these young Asian women are so attracted to older men, especially older married men. Young Asian women are mostly very beautiful so therefore I can see why older (and married) men are attracted to them.

One notable marriage is that of Rupert Murdoch and Deng Wen Ge (Wendi Deng). Deng Wen Ge is Chinese, and has been married twice ... the first marriage was to an American approx 30 years older than her. Deng Wen Ge's first husband was already married, but the involvement with her broke up his first marriage. Rupert Murdoch became her second husband when she was 31, and he was 67 or 68. This is a similar age difference as between my H and his OW. Rupert Murdoch had two sons and two daughters from his first two marriages ... my husband and I have two daughters and two sons from our marriage.

Deng Wen Ge went on to have two daughters with Rupert Murdoch ... I am concerned that my H and his OW might eventually have two children (two daughters perhaps?) ... I think that will devastate my four children. But there is nothing I can do about that if it progresses in that way.

Regarding financial independence ... neither H nor I are financially independent at this time as we have joint property and joint bank account. Having said that I could probably manage fiancnailly if I did separate and move back home.

At the same time, I am concerned about my husband. I think he is suffering from a very late mid-life crisis. The OW has made herself available, and he thinks he is a K.I.S.A.

I have the contact details of OW's family, but I will never contact them or tell them about what she is doing. OW is very immature ... fact!! (I could not take the chance that she might harm herself ... I do not want the blame for something like that ... it would not be my fault, but I would be very worried about being blamed).

A while back she told H and I that she and fellow students polished up their English skills by watching Desperate Housewives. (I have never watched Desperate Housewives, so do not want to make negative comments about that programme ... but the title itself doesn't sound very empowering to me. I sometimes think I am living in a soap opera, and am powerless to get out of it). On the other hand, OW probably thinks this whole situation is very exciting, with the power that she has over my H, and I believe she frequently asks H my reaction to various situations.

I make sure that I keep distanced from such nonsense.

Thank you for listening to all this.
 
#11 ·
Hello ubercoolpanda

KISA = knight in shining armour.

H and I are not American, but she may be looking to coming to our home country - Australia.

H said that she is not after money ... but I am not so sure. I do not know if any funds are findiing their way to her. I would say that he is paying for their 'dates' and 'weekend outings'.

H has always looked after the money side ... he was not happy when I started to take an active interest in our joint bank account. I am now monitoring all activities in this account but haven't detected anything yet. But I am watching this very closely.

H and OW go on dates together most evenings, and on weekends. There is nothing I can do about that (except cry a lot!! - in private).

Thanks for asking your questions.
 
#16 ·
H said that she is not after money ... but I am not so sure. I do not know if any funds are findiing their way to her. I would say that he is paying for their 'dates' and 'weekend outings'.
Well then he's utterly delusional
Of course she wants his money and the chance of a life in Oz...I mean when she's 37 (my age) he'll be 73. Errr, no.
 
#14 ·
Hello movin on

Thank you for your useful comment.

I could not take the chance on OW harming herself. The Asian culture is very big on "saving face". Exposure of this EA to the family would be far too risky. I do not want to be the reason for any idiotic action (ie self-harm) that OW might take.

Three of my children know about the EA (and possible PA); the fourth child will hear about it from me in about ten days when I can see him/her in person.

My sister and brother-in-law know all the details and have been my main support during all of this.
 
#24 ·
Hello Disconnected,

I'm sorry your going through this. Your username speaks volumes to me. It's NOW TIME for YOU to get Reconnected and take charge of that "Plonker" husband of yours.

Hello movin on

Thank you for your useful comment.

I could not take the chance on OW harming herself. The Asian culture is very big on "saving face". Exposure of this EA to the family would be far too risky. I do not want to be the reason for any idiotic action (ie self-harm) that OW might take.

The OW's morals and culture went down the toilet when she started having an affair with your husband. It's TIME for you to GET ANGRY and start protecting yourself and your family.

Your husband and OW have both humiliated YOU and broken your heart. Let me be blunt! I don't care for the OW's culture or her pathetic value system, which I very much doubt she had one to begin with and if she hurts herself, not my concern OR YOURS!.

Three of my children know about the EA (and possible PA); the fourth child will hear about it from me in about ten days when I can see him/her in person.

Did you confirm the children actually said to their father, to divorce you if he wasn't happy with you? If answer is NO than he just lied to you, and since you children are now adults have the right to defend themselves against any false lies their father has stated.

My sister and brother-in-law know all the details and have been my main support during all of this.

Great!, expose your husband to ALL your family and friends, don't worry about hurting his feelings, because he doesn't care about hurting you.
You husband see himself as a KISA, the OW sees him as a Sugar Daddy! Nothing more or less.

BTW look up the definition of "plonker" in the English Encarta (UK) dictionary. (1) and (2) are your husband! But (1) is YOU, and that's NOT me saying that to you! That's your husband saying that to you. (Sorry if that's sound cold)

If you're angry, great! It's time to fight!
 
#15 ·
I'm so sorry your living this.

I doubt he's been unhappy for the last 20 years. He is feeding her a bunch of lies and will continue to lie to you and to everyone he comes in contact with.

My ex h was unfaithful and I left. We only had 1 child together. I never did get the full truth from my ex h, he fed me lie after lie of his infidelity. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me and I make that very clear. I also wasn't married as long as you were when I found out. I can't imagine what your going through and I'm so very sorry.
 
#19 ·
What country is the woman from ? Did you find any details about her ? How did he meet her ?

This man is disgusting. He is 60 and is talking about kids with that woman in her 20's ? Do the kids know this part of his affair ?

This is not KISA. This is self centred narcissist syndrome. The man you loved has changed. Inform his family on what you found out. You seem to be blinded out of love. The time has come where you have to accept that your marriage ended. You are only hurting yourself by prolonging the situation and letting him continue his behavior.

Three months ago he took time off from his job to travel to another part of the country ... where he met up with YAW ... and they had a lovely 5 day holiday together. During this time I was alone at home, crying and trying to cope with this horrible situation.
 
#20 ·
You should expose both at there place of work. Seperate finances and when h cries about it tell him to speak with your attorney.you stay home and cry while he dates ow. You need to take action, you told your children now tell ow family. The fact that she will be looked down on for her behavior is no concern of yours. She is having an affair with your h. Her well being is the last thing you should worry about. Fight for what is yours, don't stand by and let h and ow walk all over you.
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#22 ·
She is going to make a fool of him. There is no way a 20 something GIRL Is interested in a 60+ old man. Sorry gentleman ...I happen to think you older guys are sexier than socks on a roaster but your in my age bracket. There is no fool like an old fool ..... does he have a brother or cousin or close friend you could have try and talk some sence into him with. He is going to feel really foolish when he realizes what she is really using him for. She either wants out of her country...out of her family...money...or a sugar daddy
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#23 ·
Your going to have to quit looking at the other women through a mothers eyes ...she is not your child!!!! She is a preditor...and her prey is your husband!!! You need to pick up your big girl pants and decide to fight for what is yours....

If you have her email address search for all the profile she has online. I bet she is a player...escort. I bet there are boyfriends galore out there and some her own age. Don't just sit there....hire a PI to investigate her.
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#25 · (Edited)
Uncle on my father's side moved from an Asian country to US as a young man. Got his PhD, married a PhD from the UK. Both had good jobs at a big university. He became chair of dept. When all the children were grown he went to eastern Europe and got mixed up with a much younger researcher. The disparity in age made the affair seem mercenary. Turned out they both divorced to marry, although it cost my uncle big time.

His kids did not like her at all. They never accepted her. She constantly and to this day sends out emails in his memory – he died way earlier, he was older, right? – to extended family. I only met her twice. However, I know that if I wrote her, I she would dive into a correspondence willingly. In short, she is not mentally well balanced.

So, while it is entirely likely that your H's OW is mercenary. She may also be a nut case. This could be a psychological drama. Your H could be filling a role in her needy psyche. He has little to gain by this in normal terms of measurement, but love and stupidity are compatible.

My uncle for the most part disinherited his four biological children (two girls and two boys). I think he willed his daughters 5,000 dollars each, not much for the lifetime of a professor.

What did nutty OW bring to the table, except youth? Well, she made uncle feel better about his terrible mistakes: compulsive gambling on the stock market and tax fraud. My aunt was not happy about the economic devastation on her savings.

She was an English professor and always talked rings around him since English was his second language. By having the OW, whose English not so great, he got to have a wife who could not show him up in social gatherings.

Do not underestimate the ability of people in an affair to act stupidly.

Your children have everything to lose by him committing to her. Calling her mom will not come easily. The idea of a love child will revolt them. Bring them on board to destroy the affair asap. They will jolt him.

Regardless of what OW's motives are (longing for Vegemite or whatever), she is filling a spot in your husband's mixed up head. He may have felt emasculated by being the tag along husband. That may have eaten at him for years. The fact that he got an assignment may raised his self-esteem in an unhealthy way, i.e., now he has a job and to match it he will upgrade to a new spouse.

From a biological POV he is increasing the spread of his genes. Your children are all adults who can fend for themselves.

Whatever he now has with OW has a relatively short history. You should consider filing for D asap to protect yourself financially. If her family would not support this relationship, you should seriously consider informing them of the A. However, if it is a country that stones adulterers, please do not... unless you want him stoned, too.

Get your children going asap. Which child is closest to him. If my uncle's favorite daughter had been there to reason with him, she might have swayed him. But she had left home at that point.

Does OW have a FB page can you figure out what sort of person she is.

Be prepared to lose your marriage, your husband sounds like he has dived in without any plan.

footnote: my aunt, in her 80s is alive and well. She has boyfriend, another retired professor who lived a few doors down from us when I was a boy. The will that disinherited my cousins was written on the back of a paper napkin. My cousin, a wealthy doctor who didn't need his money anyway, noted sadly that the will was written while his father was "sex drunk".
 
#26 ·
he has no reality with her---give him a dose of reality---tell everyone in the family what is going on, and file for D

If and when he wakes up, and he will wake up---then it is up to you whether to keep rolling toward D---or allow him to have a R, with you

If you R, tho, it is with strict boundaries, and consequences

You have to know----retirement is like no other time in your life---you are with each other 24/7----there is no job to go to, and give you a break from constantly being with your partner----you need to know exactly what you want----for the rest of your time, on this planet

Your H, is a fool, that 40 yr. age difference, is gonna hit him and his AP, like a ton of bricks--------then for him the question becomes, will you or won't you be there to pick up the pieces
 
#27 ·
I know this will sound harsh, but I think you're slightly indenial. You need to STOP being a doormat to this man.

He KNOWS that you know he is meeting this OW, knows how heartbreaking it must be for you yet still does it. He had absolutely no respect for you or the marriage.

You need to give him an ultimatum otherwise he'll continue doing what he's doing.

I definitely think you should expose the OW to the workplace. It might get your partner to "snap" out of this fog that he's in.
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#28 ·
Know what?

Let them have each other. She'll kick him to the curb soon enough. And then where he'll be? Missing you and feeling like a fool. And so be it. His conduct is unconscionable at best. Show the family some emails and send him to his lover. I mean, how can you go into retirement with this hanging overt your relationship forever. Unload him, and have a blessed time with kids and grand kids.
 
#29 ·
First they are having sex. The claim it would be unacceptable in her culture is total drivel.

As for what she's getting out of it, that is obvious - money and down the road a path to your country via your husband.

She's not naive or innocent, she's knows exactly what she's doing,she's classically gold digging.
 
#31 ·
It's time to let it burn .......are you going stand up and defend 40 years of history or are you going to slip away???? No my lady.....you bring their shame to the light like the fourth of July and set it blazing!!!!


You reach in deep and find that inner diva and fight fight fight....for your dignity!!! He thinks he can throw around words like "unhappy for twenty years"....and that you fight too much? Pffftt ....

Fool of the highest magnitude. There is a shelf life of age gaps and a 40 year one is beyond Hefner status....it's pathetic.

This is from a article about this very subject.


One of the basic rules of tennis applies here: If you want to improve your skills, you need to play someone who is (at a minimum) at your own level. As sophisticated as a 20-something may be, she will be more so—with a more exquisite bull**** detector—in her 40s. When older men date much younger women, they cheat themselves out of an opportunity to be matched with a partner with the maturity to see them as they really are. Depression, the research shows, peaks for men in their mid-to-late 40s. In the face of statistics like those, middle-aged men can't afford to choose partners who lack the life experience to provide the right kind of challenge.


What If Men Stopped Chasing Much-Younger Women? - Hugo Schwyzer - The Atlantic
 
#33 ·
The only issue of consequence here is that we have a man who is being unfaithful to his wife. The age of the girl, her race, everything about her is utterly irrelevant to the core issue of infidelity.

The presciption for this is the same as always. Read up on the 180 in my signature below, disconnected. You have to give this guy an ultimatum, and if he runs off with her, that's what happens. It is irrelevant whether they crash and burn or live happily ever after. You need to draw a line in the sand and prepare for life without him. A person has to be willing to lose their marriage to save it, and go on with life either way.

But the status quo of an affair cannot be tolerated. And he's banging her. Well, if he isn't then he's an idiot.
 
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