You have the right to know everything. 100% of the relationship. She is married to you. If she wants to regain the relationship, she needs to be an open book and answer all of your questions. She will also need to share with you her texts and emails (all passwords, etc.)
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Wifes Affair
Whatever answers you think you need to move forward she owes to you. Be aware it may be very painful. If she is in love with him, it will take time for her to "fall out of love" with him. Expect her to be confused and sad for a while. No contact is a must and she must commit now and forever. She won't reconnect with you until she has him out of her life and out of her head.
There are some mental pictures I do not want. For me the details would only hurt me more. How far the affair went would not matter to me. It is just the fact that anything happened at all. Some questions I would want answers to like why she looked outside of the marriage for anything emotional or physical. I don't want the intimate details to have to relive over and over in my mind. It is hard enough to forgive without all that. That is just for me though.
Fell, I went through exactly the same thing you did with my wife only it was not facebook it was a co-worker.
GET ALL THE DETAILS.
Although the details will be painful and terrible believe me the mind can amplify things 1000 times. You will never be able to put it to rest becuase you will dwell on it forever if you have to imagine what could have happened. The only way to get past this is to get every detail. It won't be pretty but at least you will know exactly what you are dealing with - no more, no less. Hopefully she will be an open book and be honest. If she does not want to disclose everything you let her know that what you can imagine is probably worse than the facts. Trust me on this one, you will not be able to get your marriage back in focus if you are constantly trying to guess about what went on. My wife and I have a stronger marriage today becuase she came clean on her affair all the way down to the nasty details about her PA and all that that entailed. It drove a nail through my heart but it didn't matter becuase I was already crushed and in my mind I had pretty much guessed at what and how they did it - PLUS MORE!
Get the details. Try to work through it and let her know that there won't be second time if she wants to keep your marriage.
Try to understand what caused her to stray but make sure she doesn't lose site of the fact that she was the one who cheated. Most of the times a cheater will try to justify their actions by telling you how unhappy they were about this or the other. In the end, both of you have to want to save your marriage. Don't turn conversations with her about her affair into arguments or put her on the defensive just tell her the only way you can go on is to know everything. Your list of questions is right on target. Don't leave out anything incuding details about the intimacy. I know it sounds self-defeating but it isn't; it's a way for you to stop healing becuase you will need to get facts to begin to trust again. This is just my opinion from experience. Good luck, I feel for you.
I think how many details you want to know is a very personal choice. For me, I had to know everything, like ripping off a bandaid. It was harder to deal with the details I found out later than the ones I found out about right away. In my case there were archived chat logs in his email with a LOT of detailed exchanges (explicit and lewd in some cases). Admittedly I wasn't really prepared for that, I found them two days after he confessed. The day I read them I started drinking on an empty stomach and when he got home I exploded at him, made him read the lewd parts out loud, screamed at him at the top of my lungs, and then I just drank and drank until I passed out. He sat there and took it knowing he deserved it. I know I was acting like a crazy person, but I needed to get it out of my system. I needed to have rage and vengeance and remind him of his disgusting words and how much they hurt me.
It also made him realize how low and flat out stupid he sounded in those logs, and that he was not acting like the person he wants to be, so it was helpful to him too in the long run. But this is just my experience. I agree though that she has to be willing to be 100% honest from day 1 or it won't work.
In my experiance, people try to protray things in the most favorable light possible, so be prepared for her to try to make it sound "not so bad". The hardest part for my wife to say was how much of it she had initiated. I at first wanted to think of my wife as an innocent victim of circumstance, so I heard the parts that supported that, but finally realized her part in it was more than 50/50, more like 80/20.
I want you to think about what comes after the awnsers. Can you forgive her? That is really the only question that the awnser matters. No matter what you cant get 15 years back, your kids will never think of anyone else as mother, despite what she has done she will always matter to you. Do you need details to justify leaving her, or to really know what and who you are forgiving?
Gomez, for me it was all about knowing what, who and how to forgive. The thoughts that ran through my mind before I found out the details were consuming my every minute; it was unbearable. Yes, the detials were very painful but at least I know EXACTLY what I had to get over. Again, this takes complete honesty in divulging information from her but I think you can tell when they are not 100% up front. It's difficult for them cover up all the pieces. Anyway, I had to learn what to forgive and the only way I could do it was having all the pieces to the puzzle.
What a load of rubbish. Yes, people change as they age. But most affairs are about selfishness and a desire to be validated. New guy provides attention and she doesn't turn it down. She cultivates it. She pursues it.
It has nothing to do with her being unable to show a sexual side to her husband. It has everything to do with a problem in the relationship coupled with selfishness.
with dobo. I know what Caroline is referring to becuase men have those feeling too. I did too way before my wife cheated on me but hey guess what; I was level headed enough to know right from wrong and never pursued nor acted on my impulses out of love for my wife and respect for my marriage. I worked on making my marriage more intimate instead.
I need to know if she is with me when we are having sex. I will do everything I can to forgive her, but it will be very hard to not think about she did when we have sex, when we get intimate. She did a lot of texting to him, now I wonder whenever she picks up her iPhone. I told her I would giver the benefit of the doubt, that if she ended it then I will not check up on her. That is really dificult to do.