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To block or not?

48K views 237 replies 50 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Last weekend I was headed out of town for a couple of days. I left on Friday and was going to come home on Sunday. My wife was glad I left to go out of town. I knew that there may be a reason I might come home on Saturday.

I call her on Saturday morning. She's nice and jolly. She asked me what time I'm coming home on Sunday. I felt a strange feeling in my gut. I ask her what are her plans for Sat. Night? She's says she's going to just sleep all afternoon and night. I decided to BLOCK. I told her I'm coming home. She blew a gasket. She says the house is not clean. She hasn't had a shower. And tells me I really need to stay another day. I left and got home 4 hrs later. She decided to take a shower get ready and go out to the game with her friends before I got there. She was pissed that I came home early. No sex for me that night.

My question to you BSs (like me) Should I have not told her and come home a little later to try to catch something maybe? Or was the block the right move on my part?
 
#145 ·
You have said you have no evidence. Wrong.

1. Her reaction to you saying you are coming home early....big big big red flag.
2. You said she can delete what she likes and you wouldn't know....and yet you refer to her as a deleter. So, you do know she deletes. How? Anyway, deleting texts is evidence number 2....Big big big red flag.

Ok, you have 2 major red flags here. I would say that this is ample evidence to say there is something going on. Just now to find out what.

Glad you have started on the VAR's, but you need to employ every tactic you can use that is at your disposal.

And no, it is far from ok for a cheater to delete. That really is one of the greatest sins an ex (supposedly) cheater can do. And you should never ever allow that. Ever.
 
#151 ·
Wtf is this? I never said I was ok with deleted texts. I said she could delete them and I wouldn't know it.
 
#149 ·
The point of this thread was is it better to block a POSSIBLE encounter or let it happen first.

You people's analyzing, deep mind melting, what kind of cars I have, where my feeling are, where her feeling are, guessing at her intentions, way overboard BS. Is not what this was about. I'm on top of my marriage and monitoring things. Nothing can be black or white here.
 
#156 ·
Good luck brains. Remember if you hear another man stop listening and have a trusted friend listen. It will be 100 times worse if you hear your wife being fvcked by another man.
 
#157 ·
Considering the quantity and quality of his sense of denial, maybe he should listen.

After all, we are ALL jumping to conclusions, making things up, second guessing in egregious manners. How does he know that the friend won't lie to him?

It is certainly a more palatable option than to believe a woman who cheated on him 4 times would do it again.

Brains, you have annoyed me. We are trying to help and offer the best advice we can and you are twisting and turning to tell us that well, shucky darn, we are all wrong and there really ISN'T anything out there...but you are just being careful. You have it all under control...except for the fact she's leaving the house for unspecified visits to unknown locations with unknown people for long periods of time.

But beside that, you have it all sewed up.

Sorry to have wasted your time. When are you going to apologize to me for wasting mine?
 
#164 ·
Ok. Yes the VAR did reveal something. Not what I was suspecting at all. Apparently Friday night late my 17 year old son had been spotted on Instagram passed out drunk on a beach. He signed a baseball scholarship 2 weeks ago. My wife had an appointment with him to meet with his former coach and sort through possible courses of action that would not effect his scholarship on Saturday at 9pm.

After a long take with her last night I found that she was not going to let me know. She felt my disappointment in my son would have created a rift between us just before his summer positioning workout. Possibly effecting his position in the new rotation. I am going to continue the VAR in the house and car. No need to stop that for awhile. No I have not talked to my son about it yet.
 
#165 ·
Potentially good news then. It sucks to see your son get into trouble, but it appears that there isn't another man in the mix based on what you know so far. Still, no secrets should be no secrets. It was wrong of her to try to hid your son's behavior from you. It does show that your wife still sees a benefit in hiding things from you. That is not good. Secrets are not good for a marriage - even if those secrets have nothing to do with infidelity.
 
#171 ·
"My wife had an appointment with him to meet with his former coach and sort through possible courses of action that would not effect his scholarship on Saturday at 9pm. "

This is kind of late and on a Saturday night, possibly alone with another man.

You're pretty trusting, given her track record.

What did she say(or do...) to convince the coach to see things her way?

These are the kind of things you a probably going to get burned on.

Did you get this info from a house, or car VAR?
 
#177 ·
Yeah, 9pm is kinda late. Was the son going to be a part of this conversation, or was it just going to be your wife and the coach?

I could feasibly see if the son was going that this could be Kosher, but just the two of them is fishy.

That said, if the son was going to be part of it, I do think it's feasible that meeting at 9pm once family obligations on his end were complete and he had a free hour COULD be legit.
 
#178 ·
He's a head coach of a huge baseball program he's very busy this time of year.
 
#190 ·
MrBrains, why is it that you do not seem to grasp the concept of right and wrong in a marriage. Was it right to keep this information from you? Was it right to meet with another man alone considering her past behavior? Friend are you just one stubborn guy or do you not really see the problem here? With all due respect, if this seems ok to you you have one seriously dysfunctional marriage. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but the fact is that if you allow this type of interaction to occur without challenge then it is little wonder why your wife seems to lack a fundamental respect for you as a spouse.
 
#191 ·
Something that big a deal (potentially losing a scholarship and lots of $$$$) should definitely not be kept a secret.

Forget infidelity or suspicions about the coach.

This is simply a habit your wife has. "Don't tell Mr. Brains."

Yes, there are little white lies we keep to ourselves from time to time, for the betterment of our relationship, or it's inconsequential, etc (i.e. saying your knee feels "fine" because you don't want to sound like a wimp or something), but messing around with a scholarship is a huge, important issue where neither spouse should be kept in the dark.

If I'm you, I establish this issue with your W that you guys need to tell each other everything, even stuff you don't think the other one wants to hear.
 
#192 ·
I am sorry your family finds it okay to lie to you Mr Brains. Don't they call it lying by omission?

You should not be okay with your fww meeting ANY man for ANY reason alone on a saturday night. She's doing things behind your back.

What can an ex coach possibly do? Advise?

You wife seeks out a man behind your back. If your son hadn't been caught she could say "oh i was meeting the coach to get tips" or "I was meeting the coach to sharpen up our son's game."

THIS is how affairs start to begin with. Do you think people just jump into bed together? No, they meet and talk and it starts out talking about somoenes throwing arm and then one things leads to another and "it just happens."

It's not as bad as hearing her making out. But it IS bad. It has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with a supposedly mature adult keeping information from you. Especially the same adult who has a body of work demonstrating lies and deceit.

In my opinion you are not respected by your wife or son who kept this from you.
 
#195 ·
Brains would have to be some kind of ogre to justify this. I mean 'bruises on the family' bad.

He doesn't come across that way.

A regular wife MIGHT be allowed to get away with this...once or twice. A mentally unstable woman with a long LONG history of infidelity?

You're kidding, right, brains? I'm sorry that you do not feel strong enough or secure enough in your relationship to enforce any boundaries.
 
#197 ·
That is fair.
 
#201 ·
What is your gut telling you? Do you deep down feel something is "off"?

Don't ignore it. You've been down the infidelity road enough times to know when there are lies going on...

Maybe she isn't cheating.....does she understand how lying and keeping stuff from her husband and confiding in another man about intimate family details may appear like she is?
 
#203 ·
I know. I don't want to eat ****. Who does? I'm just a man holding on. I'm not stupid. I may be in denial but we will see. I'll know in an hour. This is the first Benz VAR when see gets back.
 
#205 ·
The guys posting are speaking from experience. They may seem harsh but try to take in what they say. They are really trying to save you from more heartache and frustration....

And your not stupid....denial...yes...even if she isn't cheating the sneakiness is enough cause for serious concern. Its very damaging to the marriage, especially with past events.
 
#209 ·
Im not sure if the vars matter? Is she so inconsiderate that shed make plans to see a man alone knowong how bad she hurt you?

Why does she think meeting a man alone on a saturday and lying about it is okay?

I hope you find nothing becauee theres nothing to find so you can address this. (And i hope your guts dont get ripped out ever again.)
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#210 ·
That's my issue with the whole thing. Could it be innocent? Nope because even if nothing happened, it is highly disrespectful to hide problems with your children. When you are in R or having other trust issues, no spouse should go see someone, of the opposite sex, by themselves and then hide it.

Yes, I know, don't be facetious. We aren't talking family members or doctors. All I have to say is, this situation could have been handled over the phone, computer or text. If it was a college recruiter or the actual scholarship Coach I'd say relax. My boys are HUGE into sports and a drinking incident is not handled by a former "club" coach.

I don't think anything happened, but you need to put your foot down. She just threw her son under the bus for nothing.
 
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