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FWS checking up on BS

5K views 22 replies 18 participants last post by  mineforever 
#1 ·
So the R is going well.

We both changed for the better and the M feels better, but I keep catching her checking up on me. It would make sense if I was the cheater.

I don't mind her going through my stuff, because I don't have any secrets from her, but what bugs me is she accused me of cheating a few months before she started. Makes me wonder if I should get D papers drawn up because that's the only way a second Dday will end.

On the other hand I made a ton of physical changes, and am now in the best shape of my life. Saying something considering I used to be fairly athletic. I know to some degree she feels insecure about this. On the other hand it's not something I'm willing to give up, and I'm happy with her as she is.

The one year since Dday is the 29th, so I'm also a little... I don't know what to call it, but I'm that...
 
#3 ·
I know this will sound like the record scratch when the good guys walk into the scary biker bar...but....

It's okay, man. It's transparency. If for whatever reason it makes her feel better to check on you then fine. You seem to have stuff working out well. You haven't found anything and she hasn't exhibited any improper behavior, right?

The feeling you're talking about is snarvel. It's where we, the betrayed, go when we get wound up and wondering or fearful of remembering just how sh-tty things were. It's normal. Don't be afraid of it. You've been through a ton worse.
 
#4 ·
Her initial accusations were projection on her part. Pretty standard stuff, unless they really feel like there is no way on earth you could get laid. So, you obviously were not that devalued. Now that you have a rockin' body, she's sweating it big time. Continue with surveillance from time to time, continue with the training, keep dressing good and attracting the attention of the young cuties, too. If she says anything about you pulling girls, agree and amplify. Keep gaming her, but keep watching. From time to time. Kind of like running random QC checks. Don't wait for a problem to suddenly appear.
 
#6 ·
Its my experience that liars think everyone lies. Thieves think everyone else steals. I believe most cheaters think everyone else cheats or would like to. If they can't be trusted, they think other people can't be trusted either.
 
#7 ·
I think if you want to reconcile, this comes with the territory. Your wife has baggage and so do you (I mean you both have insecurities - whoever is to blame). It doesn't harm you if she checks up on you and there is nothing intrinsically "wrong" with it. You are where you are as it were.

Don't object to it, but don't go out of your way to present evidence to prove anything either. Just accept it as part of your relationship now. She will be happier and feel more secure and this should feed into making you happier too.

I hope you make it.
 
#8 ·
I would not get worked up on her looking at your stuff, I think it is just projection. Keep working on yourself. Sounds like she is threatened by the fitter you. I would check on her from time to time. And yes the reality of what she has done still lingers after a year. Suc*s.
 
#9 ·
Just a thought, but perhaps she's checking up on you to see if you are still snooping on her or how you do it.

I'm sure I'm in the minority, but I don't let my WW have password access to my laptop computer - not since Dday. She has a laptop and we both can use another desktop for paying bills, etc.

For one thing, part of her betrayal to me was letting the POSOM go through my PC when she was cheating. All our finances, all my personal stuff; I'll never forget that. Never.

And if I do decide to step up surveillance on her again, (hope I won't have to) she won't know what I'm doing. A consequence to her that she'll just have to accept.
 
#15 ·
How obvious is she when she checks up on you? Do you notice that she's looking at your e-mail account? Or worse, is she is asking you leading questions as if you have something to hide? or somewhere in between?

While I agree that both sides need to be transparent, tit for tat behavior is very unhealthy.
 
#16 ·
I would say transparency is healthy, and that if she needs to check for her own peace of mind, fair enough. She may be very insecure of a revenge affair.

However, I can see how this is just totally triggering you. Have you had a talk with her about it, how it triggers you and how it makes you feel?

I would suggest a thorough check on her to make sure history is not repeating, and then sit her down and have a good heart to heart.
 
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