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3 Months into Reconciliation

64K views 235 replies 68 participants last post by  jerry123 
#1 ·
I posted here a couple of months ago. Here is a summary of what I am going through:
I discovered my wife was having an EA/PA affair nearly 5 years ago with a married man who has 2 kids. It was going on for 2 months. She supposedly ended the affair and we reconciled and had 2 kids together. Our kids are now 1 and 3 years old.

Three months ago I discovered she was having an affair with the same guy again. This time it supposedly went on for 6 months.

Since that time I have taken a lot of the advice given here. We wrote a no contact letter. I have exposed the affair to all of our family. We both have gotten tested for STD's. I got DNA tests for both kids and they are mine. I talked to the other man's wife a few times on the phone. She is going to individual counseling.

I spoke to the other man's wife and learned more about the affair. My wife has been messing around with this guy on and off for 4 and a half years, and even while she was pregnant with our first child. The other man had an affair with another woman during this time as well.

I understand that a cheater is supposed to show remorse and regret in order to properly reconcile. I am very worried because my wife is not remorseful. She has only said a couple of times that she was sorry she hurt me. When I get upset she gets angry and defensive. We have had several good days when she showed affection.

We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.

She insists that she has no contact with the other man. I have been checking on her. Now she is getting angry because she feels trapped and feels like I am controlling her every move. I really want our marriage to work out because our kids deserve a good family. It would be terrible if she ends up marrying this guy who I have considered my enemy for nearly 5 years. I can't imagine my enemy becoming a step father to my kids.

She says she needs time to work out her feelings. She is not giving me what I need to heal because she says she does not have those feelings for me. Am I just expecting too much from her since it has only been 3 months since Dday?
 
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#2 ·
If she's not showing remorse and is saying that she doesn't want to be married, I don't know if I'd even call that a reconcilliation. Whether remorse is required in a true reconcilliation is debatable but both parties being willing to work on the marriage I think is pretty much a requirement.

Can I ask what your reasons are for trying to R?
 
#3 ·
She not giving you what you need because 1) she doesn't want to - it's too taxing for her b/c she HAS changed into a more selfish person. 2) she finds you repulsive for reasons we told you about on your first post.

What she would really like is an open marriage. One where she gets to play all she wants and you can do whatever, as long as you mostly leave her alone and tend to the kids when a baby sitter is needed.

I know this sounds harsh and cold..... but SHE is harsh and cold. It's a fact.

Do you want an open marriage? She can lead her hedonistic life for the next 5 - 15 yrs and maybe find you desirable again. Or in 15 yrs when the last of the kids is out of the house you can both separate. You know that she'd leave you in a heartbeat if it weren't for the kids.

At any rate, no more kids with her. And if I were in your shoes, I'd be so gone.
 
#5 ·
We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.
Believe this...it is exactly how she feels. She will never feel differently unless she puts 100% effort into building a new, better marriage, which she clearly is not prepared to do.

Is this the kind of marriage YOU want?
 
#6 ·
This is not reconciliation. It is blame shifting, rug sweeping and rationalization. She is not there for you, she is there for herself. While you want to protect your kids from OM what kind of example are you setting. A marriage with no trust, commitment or respect. This will very likely do more damage to your kids than you think. See a lawyer and hand her the papers. She is not interested in your needs nor the marriage. You need to move on.
 
#7 ·
She is not being honest with you. You are the fall back guy and she is only claiming to R because she was caught.

It does not sound like she thinks you will leave her. I would serve her D papers and then go to MC. Tell her if the MC does not work you are going through with the D.

I am betting you are being to Beta. You need to pull your Alpha out and be tough.
 
#8 ·
Buy a bullwhip...Go to a dog food factory, and rent a dead horse...Flog the heII out of that dead horse with your bullwhip....

When you collapse from sheer exhaustion and fatigue, ask yourself if whipping a dead horse has helped your marriage.....

Or save yourself some money, and blood spatter, and just file for DIVORCE!!!!!

You have already put in your time flogging a dead creature (your marriage)....Now is the time to salvage a few scraps of your self respect....Do a complete 180, go dark on her, get your finances in order, and KICK HER TO THE CURB.........IT IS OVER....

good luck
the woodchuck
 
#9 ·
You can't force her into anything--if she isn't that person you married 11 yrs ago---face the facts and move on

To stay for the kids, is pointless--You should have never had kids with her in the 1st place, with her just recently coming out of an A--

--everything in your household is full of tension and misery now---it ain't gonna get better, the kids need a decent/happy environment/living conditions---YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE NOT PROVIDING THAT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU WISHFULLY THINK she misses the man she loves---which sadly for you, IS NOT YOU

You know the answer to this situation----start working on it---in case you don't get my drift---ITS TIME TO FILE
 
#12 ·
You say three months of R, but you are the only one in R. She isn't. All that's happened is three months of TIME.

Read your initial post 5 more times. You'll see just how clear it is that she wants out. My guess? She wants out because she is completely addicted to the OM.

So you effectively cut him out, sort of. She resents you. Says you are controlling. Her affair with him went on for so long that it's going to be near impossible for her to stay away from him forever. Realize what you have here. The market is great for single dads :)
 
#13 ·
well you presented consequence and she doesn't show remorse

therefore the consequence have no effect on her and she is a very selfish and damaged person

putting aside your need to heal from this and the inability to have a successful R without her remorse, the likelihood she will cheat again is sky high

Amp and everyone else is correct, time to file and move on
 
#14 ·
If you were not her husband and you found out all the crap she has been doing to her husband for the last 5 years - would you consider marrying her?

You never had a marriage. She has been cheating from the start.

I hate to bring this up, but, are you sure the children are yours?

DNA the kids. File for divorce.
 
#18 ·
You are obviously not in recovery. You are trying to save this marriage, but she has no interest. She never ended and restarted this affair, she is probably still in it and has been all along. You have been sharing your wife with OM for most of your marriage. You are the provider while he is the lover and friend.

Her past behavior shows you all you need to know about the future. If you stay with her you are accepting an open marriage. She either can't change or doesn't want to. Either way, kick her to the curb and protect your children from this skewed view of marriage that they are seeing.
 
#19 ·
I understand why so many of you say I should divorce. I have spoken to 3 attorneys with free consultations. I feel like I am not ready for divorce. I would lose access to my kids every day. I would no longer have the ability to be a stay at home dad. My wife would most likely marry her other man who is of a different race and has two teenage kids. The kids would be bullied at school because of their mother's choices. My enemy would take over my role as a father half the time. I am pretty sure this was almost an exit affair because she was consulting with a tarot card reader about staying with me or going with the other man.

I have considered the pros and cons of divorce and reconciling, and it seems like divorce is worse in my situation. I just don't understand how my wife is not recommitting to our marriage when we have these toddlers. She came from a perfect family where she never heard her parents argue, while I came from a family where my mother and father both cheated on each other. I tried to explain to her the devastation I felt when my parents cheated and then divorced when I was 14. She says it might be better for the kids if she is happy and divorced than if she is unhappily married to me.
 
#22 ·
Your wife is actually doing you a favor. She seems to be trying to be honest about her feelings. While you may not agree with them and want the marriage, she no longer feels the same. Sucks she had to cheat. It hurts very bad. And to top off she still doesn't want the marriage when you as the BS are willing, hurts even more. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It may not be what you want to hear, but she is stating the obvious.
 
#24 ·
You don't want to divorce - and she wouldn't mind. However, she will stay with you and by tacit agreement she will continue to see the OM while you can pretend that all is well in "R".

Friend, that's an open marriage.

A one-sided open marriage. That's the best you're going to get. DADT.

As many here say, the one who doesn't mind leaving the marriage is the one who holds the cards. The one who clings to the marriage at all costs has no power. NONE.

She holds the cards. Whatcha gonna do Red Ryder?
 
#25 ·
Good God man,

How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? You know down deep that she will continue the affair one way or another. She has so little respect for you that she continued to have sex with this man while pregnant with your child. How much more humiliation can there be than this? She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 
#26 · (Edited)
Allow me to translate what your wife is telling you:

"Yes I cheated, sorry about that but I just don't love you. So stop expecting me to act remorseful when I'm not. I'm not going to do that all acting sorrowful dog and pony show for you. Deal with it.

But I'll tell you what. Just because of the kids, I'll do you a favor and stay with you. I don't really want to but I'll make that sacrifice. As long as you just get over this, leave me alone, and not worry about who else I'm f**king".


I'm not trying to be harsh to you OP, but you need to go look at yourself in the mirror and ask what kind of husband, and more importantly, what kind of man - would accept this total disrespect.
 
#27 ·
She is still having an affair. No question at all.

She is acting exactly like we have seen on here many, many times before and I have personal experience of this with my ex wife.

Until it is stopped, you cannot move forward. She thinks you are stopping her being with the OM. You are the problem to her, not the affair.

She is still in the affair.
 
#28 ·
Her respect for you is near zero; she has all but told you to f$ck yourself and you're still not ready to divorce because you couldn't continue to be a sahd? Seriously? If you were a woman you'd be told to get a job and throw him out. Geez, chase and scream all you want but in the end you have two choices: get a job and end this, at which point she might realize what she's going to lose, or continue to be a sahd and know she's going to f$ck other men. The choice is yours; right now she knows the power is hers, and that makes you look very weak.
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