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3 Months into Reconciliation

64K views 235 replies 68 participants last post by  jerry123 
#1 ·
I posted here a couple of months ago. Here is a summary of what I am going through:
I discovered my wife was having an EA/PA affair nearly 5 years ago with a married man who has 2 kids. It was going on for 2 months. She supposedly ended the affair and we reconciled and had 2 kids together. Our kids are now 1 and 3 years old.

Three months ago I discovered she was having an affair with the same guy again. This time it supposedly went on for 6 months.

Since that time I have taken a lot of the advice given here. We wrote a no contact letter. I have exposed the affair to all of our family. We both have gotten tested for STD's. I got DNA tests for both kids and they are mine. I talked to the other man's wife a few times on the phone. She is going to individual counseling.

I spoke to the other man's wife and learned more about the affair. My wife has been messing around with this guy on and off for 4 and a half years, and even while she was pregnant with our first child. The other man had an affair with another woman during this time as well.

I understand that a cheater is supposed to show remorse and regret in order to properly reconcile. I am very worried because my wife is not remorseful. She has only said a couple of times that she was sorry she hurt me. When I get upset she gets angry and defensive. We have had several good days when she showed affection.

We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.

She insists that she has no contact with the other man. I have been checking on her. Now she is getting angry because she feels trapped and feels like I am controlling her every move. I really want our marriage to work out because our kids deserve a good family. It would be terrible if she ends up marrying this guy who I have considered my enemy for nearly 5 years. I can't imagine my enemy becoming a step father to my kids.

She says she needs time to work out her feelings. She is not giving me what I need to heal because she says she does not have those feelings for me. Am I just expecting too much from her since it has only been 3 months since Dday?
 
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#31 ·
Garm, this is not going to get any better. She is going to continue to cheat right under her nose. Soon she will move the AP partner in and tell you to sleep on the couch. Maybe tell you to make them some drinks. What are you going to do then? Mope?

Stop this illness now. For you and your children's sake. Serve her ASAP. Show her consequences. Human beings deserve better than how she treats you.
 
#32 ·
I just accused her of continuing the affair. She told me that she is definitely not, and that is why she is acting so confused and frustrated. She is frustrated that she cannot contact the other man. The only opportunity she has to see the OM is when she drives to work 2 days a week, although they don't work together. I am going to have her call me from her work phone when she goes there.
 
#33 ·
I just accused her of continuing the affair. She told me that she is definitely not, and that is why she is acting so confused and frustrated. She is frustrated that she cannot contact the other man. The only opportunity she has to see the OM is when she drives to work 2 days a week. I am going to have her call me from her work phone when she goes there.
Oh come on, Garm. Do you really believe she will tell you the truth?

The only evidence you have is that she lies. She lies and then lies some more, then, when she is done lying, she lies.

Get evidence. Use a keylogger, a VAR, get her phone. Have her followed.
 
#40 ·
Garm, you're getting the exact same advice we give every man who tries to grab onto that last leaf hanging from the last root of the tree trunk hanging over the cliff - it won't work!

Your wife is more flagrant than most in telling you SHE WANTS THE OTHER MAN. Yet you pretend to yourself you can somehow magically make her want you again.

How about this: tell her she can have him, as long as the kids stay with you and she pays you child support? Tell her you're willing to sign her over to him if she agrees to that.
 
#45 ·
How about this: tell her she can have him, as long as the kids stay with you and she pays you child support? Tell her you're willing to sign her over to him if she agrees to that.
I did tell her this. She told me that would never happen. If we divorce it is going to be a custody battle.

I did not act like a doormat. I had her sleep in another room for 2 months on an uncomfortable bed.
 
#56 ·
I've been where your at and can say without a doubt it is no fun. If your wife truly wants to reconcile then she needs to understand that the trust she broke with you needs to be earned again. You cannot go back to how things were. How unfair of her to need time to work things out, but she isn't giving you the time you need to heal.
 
#57 ·
I think it is totally unfair that I have to compete with other men for my wife who took vows with me.
Then you don't know enough about female psychology. I urge you to do some more reading. Women have to RESPECT their man before they can love him. Unfortunately, being a SAHD puts you WAY DOWN the totem pole in terms of deserving respect; sad, but true. She has you practically begging her to stay and she has him, TAKING what he wants.

Which one do you think is more appealing?
 
#59 ·
So what is your plan.The facts are (i)your wife doesn't love you(ii)you are a SAHD therefore no money(iii)you are going to stay for the kids

how is it going to work if you continue this marriage ?

Are you going to be like the SAHM who ignores her WH behavior and focuses 100 % on her children .

What is your plan ,how are you going to manage and what are you going to do if she cheats again
 
#60 ·
I talked to the other man's wife on the phone today since I'm worried the affair is still going on. She told me that their reconciliation is going well. He is very remorseful. He buys her flowers every week. He writes her love emails and texts often. They are attending marriage counseling together every week. He is looking for a new wedding ring to start a new marriage with her.

It was very reassuring to hear that they are doing well in reconciliation and helps me believe that the affair did end.

I really wish my wife would do these things. She told me she won't because I have to consider why she cheated on me in the first place. She doesn't have those feelings towards me. Well, by that logic, how can my wife's affair partner help his wife heal like that? He was messing around with my wife for years and yet he can help his wife heal by doing and saying the right things.
 
#68 ·
I talked to the other man's wife on the phone today since I'm worried the affair is still going on. She told me that their reconciliation is going well. He is very remorseful. He buys her flowers every week. He writes her love emails and texts often. They are attending marriage counseling together every week. He is looking for a new wedding ring to start a new marriage with her.
It is written: Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.

He ain't changing and she ain't getting a new marriage. He's pulled the wool over her eyes. A high testosterone male is not like woman; he never had any intention of breaking up his family for one of his side beaches.

It was very reassuring to hear that they are doing well in reconciliation and helps me believe that the affair did end.
Just because OMW is highly gullible is no excuse for you to continue to be.


I really wish my wife would do these things.
Women are not men. Higher ranked males have no intention of running off with the members of their stable. They are only involved in however much romance it takes to get them in her backdoor. Your wife is not a man, she's been taken in hook line and sinker for the reasons I outlined in my earlier post. It's all chemical addictions combined with exceedingly low morals.

She told me she won't because I have to consider why she cheated on me in the first place. She doesn't have those feelings towards me.
Again, this just BS that her rationalization hamster spins up. She was probably plenty happy with you consciously (her subconscious limbic was not) right until the OM slid into home plate. Then everything had to be rewritten in her mind to justify her immorality.

Well, by that logic, how can my wife's affair partner help his wife heal like that? He was messing around with my wife for years and yet he can help his wife heal by doing and saying the right things.
Because he's got some things you don't have:

1. Sexual dominance
2. An understanding of the nature of women

She won't be too happy next time she catches him, but it's kind of a turn on at the same time to know he's attractive to other women too. the more women chase him, the more her ego grows. That's not true for all women, but it's true for her.
 
#61 ·
Men and women think differently. It's a fact.

He might be gaslighting her or he may be truly remorseful.

But your wife is just not satisfied with you. Not one bit. You are doing what you can but it's like trying to stop the tide with a piece of plywood. No matter how hard you try it aint gonna happen.
 
#63 ·
If you're in good physical shape, you need to be in better shape.

If you don't go out with friends, you need to. Go to bars or clubs, talk to women. You don't have to flirt or hit on them, but you need to do it. This will remove that air of desperation you let creep into your psyche over the years.

This is not the only woman in the world. I know you love her and want her more than everything, and this is exactly why I think she's repulsed.

You're too nice and kind. You haven't made yourself a priority.

Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life?
 
#69 · (Edited)
I forgot to mention that we got married when she was 22 and I was 26. She recently told me that she was too young to know what she wanted in a husband. She also told me that now she thinks people should wait until they're 30 to get married. We first met when she was 18. We did live together for a while before marriage. I also know that she had several other partners before she met me, so she was not a virgin. I have suspicions that she cheated on me before we got married.
 
#71 ·
I forgot to mention that we got married when she was 22 and I was 26. She recently told me that she was too young to know what she wanted in a husband. She also told me that now she thinks people should wait until they're 30 to get married.
A lot of lame brains think that, not just your wife. Unfortunately, Mother Nature has other ideas. The prime childbirth years, for both fecundity and quality of offspring, remain ages 14-25, after which fecundity declines. At age 30, 7% of women are already infertile. 90% of a woman's eggs are kaput by age 30. Mother Nature isn't really on board for modern society's whacky ideas.

We first met when she was 18. We did live together for a while before marriage. I also know that she had several other partners before she met me, so she was not a virgin.
were you?


I have suspicions that she cheated on me before we got married.
You got suspicions before or after?
 
#72 ·
That's because your marriage really is hopeless. You say you met her at 18 and that she had lots of partners? That should have clued you in on the kind of lifestyle she enjoys. These women try playing the housewife but we all know what's really on the inside waiting to spread its wings(legs) and fly. Divorce her and save your dignity man.
 
#76 ·
Machiavelli, I'll answer a couple of your questions since you took the time to write all of that. I did get my testosterone checked a year ago and it was normal.
She started this affair before we had kids and while I was still working. She was earning more than me though.
Her father has no problem with interracial marriage since her sister has that kind of marriage.
I do live in a state where adultery is considered. But that doesn't matter now since we have been sleeping together the past month.
My wife does not travel for work.
 
#78 ·
Machiavelli, I'll answer a couple of your questions since you took the time to write all of that. I did get my testosterone checked a year ago and it was normal.
And the number was? How about free testosterone? Got that number?

See, i've seen them tell men 200 was "normal" for a man. Technically, it is, if you're Tiny Tim. At your age, you need to be looking at 800 IMHO.

Read up on this stuff here and compare it with your report.


Heavy leg presses will help you raise it. Also 100 mg of DHEA, a fistful of almonds daily, 2 brazil nuts daily, and plenty of cod liver oil will also help.

She started this affair before we had kids and while I was still working. She was earning more than me though.
Yes, having a woman that out earns you is a problem, no matter the amount. They just resent it, instinctively. Mine did, when I was in grad school.

If you caught her and took her back prior to having the kids, this is a monster hit on her perception of you as a man. Even though she should love you more for this, it actually decreases her sexual attraction for you. Crazy, but true. Mother Nature wants men to be bad asses who don't take sh!t.


Her father has no problem with interracial marriage since her sister has that kind of marriage.
In that case, you can rest assured that your wife is not with OM for the simple reason that OM considers your WW to be nothing more than one of his side beaches. That's good to know, don't you think?


I do live in a state where adultery is considered. But that doesn't matter now since we have been sleeping together the past month.
A missed opportunity. Next you catch her, don't make the same mistake. BTW, just sleeping together won't prevent cause, it takes copulation.

My wife does not travel for work.
No wonder she's climbing the walls. GPS and VAR her car. She will feel the hunger soon enough. You want to be ready to bust her then.

Take Carmen's advice and read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Download it tonight.

If you want to get a feel for how much you need to change, take this test.
 
#77 ·
Everyone is telling me that I need to go to marriage counseling with my wife. Do you think that would be good for us or a waste of time and money? I told her that she needs to get a different individual counselor because she has not improved in the last 3 months. If we end up divorcing, would marriage counseling make me look better to the court?
 
#80 ·
Garm-

You seem like a nice gentleman and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have to gently say something to you-

I can tell you have a BIG problem, not just with your wife, but with yourself. How can I tell this? Because, honestly, the way Machiavelli was talking to you should prompt a very extreme response.

I'm a Christian, but if ANYONE were to say the things about my wife, or myself (especially my bodily organs and the other man's bodily organs) that he said to you, they'd have a fight on their hands. In this case, a virtual fight...but you get the point.

Now, I actually like Machiavelli, respect what he has to say, but he crossed the line in a major way with some of the things he said to you. Don't let ANYONE talk to you that way. EVER.

You are better than that. You are worth more than that.

God bless.
 
#82 ·
Garm-

You seem like a nice gentleman and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have to gently say something to you-

I can tell you have a BIG problem, not just with your wife, but with yourself. How can I tell this? Because, honestly, the way Machiavelli was talking to you should prompt a very extreme response.

I'm a Christian, but if ANYONE were to say the things about my wife, or myself (especially my bodily organs and the other man's bodily organs) that he said to you, they'd have a fight on their hands. In this case, a virtual fight...but you get the point.

Now, I actually like Machiavelli, respect what he has to say, but he crossed the line in a major way with some of the things he said to you. Don't let ANYONE talk to you that way. EVER.
You could easy say the same about his wife...
Never the less MAC is right..



You are better than that. You are worth more than that.

God bless.
 
#85 ·
This has nothing to do with the OP being a SAHD.

It has to do with a woman who is a pathological cheater.

Garm, as you've heard you are NOT in reconciliation. You are simply holding on to the tail section of a 747. You'll never catch up and are barely holding on. Stop trying. She doesn't seem to have tried.

It's Friday, so it'd probably be best for you to contact an attorney before the weekend and get things rolling.
 
#98 ·
This has nothing to do with the OP being a SAHD.

It has to do with a woman who is a pathological cheater.

Garm, as you've heard you are NOT in reconciliation. You are simply holding on to the tail section of a 747. You'll never catch up and are barely holding on. Stop trying. She doesn't seem to have tried.

It's Friday, so it'd probably be best for you to contact an attorney before the weekend and get things rolling.
I think the SAHD thing is more relevant than people are acknowledging. Not that being a SAHD makes him a doormat, but it's a matter of sheer economics. If he's been a SAHD for a while and had a professional job beforehand, then he's going to have one hell of a time getting back into the workforce after being out of it for a long time (years??). The economy is still struggling and jobs are hard to find, especially for the long-term unemployed, which the OP effectively is, his choice or not.

His wife clearly knows that she has leverage over him because she controls the purse-strings. She knows that he won't leave (partially because he's a doormat, but also due to economics--where would he go?), so she can effectively do what she wants. The OP can rest-assured that the affair will go on, if not with the OM, then with someone new. Effectively, he's a slave in his own house. Married women who are the homemaker/SAHM know these risks all too well.

As a few other posters mentioned, if I were the OP, I'd do all I could to make myself better--better health, more marketable for jobs, more confidence, etc. Look for jobs and see what your market value is right now. Educate yourself, go to the gym, make a contingency plan. Nobody should be compelled to live like this.
 
#86 ·
Thanks for all the advice guys. I've been reading on these forums the past few months, so I expected the condescension from Machiavelli and others. I am not a doormat. I made the cheaters suffer consequences. There is no doubt about that. There are other things I have done that I will not mention here.

I need to emotionally detach myself from the wife. That is what she did to me. That will not be easy. I need to work on an exit plan if she does not change her attitude. I'm not going to give up yet since we have toddlers.
 
#89 ·
It seems like you've really got it together considering the fact that a bomb went off in your life.The only thing that helped me move on was having a plan,always.Winging it is what makes you waffle from feeling things an improve to feeling they need to end.
write down a plan of action that makes you comfortable.follow it the best you can.
Are you not giving up just for the sake of the little ones or do you still love her and think you can get back to being in love?
 
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