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3 Months into Reconciliation

64K views 235 replies 68 participants last post by  jerry123 
#1 ·
I posted here a couple of months ago. Here is a summary of what I am going through:
I discovered my wife was having an EA/PA affair nearly 5 years ago with a married man who has 2 kids. It was going on for 2 months. She supposedly ended the affair and we reconciled and had 2 kids together. Our kids are now 1 and 3 years old.

Three months ago I discovered she was having an affair with the same guy again. This time it supposedly went on for 6 months.

Since that time I have taken a lot of the advice given here. We wrote a no contact letter. I have exposed the affair to all of our family. We both have gotten tested for STD's. I got DNA tests for both kids and they are mine. I talked to the other man's wife a few times on the phone. She is going to individual counseling.

I spoke to the other man's wife and learned more about the affair. My wife has been messing around with this guy on and off for 4 and a half years, and even while she was pregnant with our first child. The other man had an affair with another woman during this time as well.

I understand that a cheater is supposed to show remorse and regret in order to properly reconcile. I am very worried because my wife is not remorseful. She has only said a couple of times that she was sorry she hurt me. When I get upset she gets angry and defensive. We have had several good days when she showed affection.

We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.

She insists that she has no contact with the other man. I have been checking on her. Now she is getting angry because she feels trapped and feels like I am controlling her every move. I really want our marriage to work out because our kids deserve a good family. It would be terrible if she ends up marrying this guy who I have considered my enemy for nearly 5 years. I can't imagine my enemy becoming a step father to my kids.

She says she needs time to work out her feelings. She is not giving me what I need to heal because she says she does not have those feelings for me. Am I just expecting too much from her since it has only been 3 months since Dday?
 
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#91 ·
The bottom line is, Garm, your wife is just not into you.

You need to absorb and internalyze this fact before you can make any decision for the future. You seem to think she has some lingering desire for you, but she does not. Every poster here can see that because we are onlookers viewing this from an objective stance. You being in the middle cannot see it apparently.

You think because she is having sex with you that she desires you.

No.

This is duty sex. She is throwing you scraps from her table to keep you on the hook. See it for what it is.
 
#107 ·
Yes, true. Scraps are better than nothing though - for a short while until you see that they are scraps. That you realise that she did things with the POSUM that she will not do with you. That the fact that she is not quite into it because she has to rebuild that desire is bogus. I was thinking - hmmmm, when will that be, when will it start to get spicy again? Trouble was I could not see her making that adjustment anytime soon - and to be fair you can't expect it to go back to that place straight up. But....it will not go back to that place. If the chemistry is not there then it is duty sex, a mercy f**k. Us blokes want a girl to rip our gear off. My WS told the POSUM she will have to struggle when she ever sees him to not want to rip his clothes off. Never said that to me - ever. Never swallowed my seed multiple times - ever. You see where I am on the totem pole Garm, not even on the pole at all. So I will rebuild Horizon from the ground up - will I than get back on the totem pole? Will I even want to be on that totem pole? Betrayal of this kind is so massive it's like an amorphous threatening cloud, there are no boundaries to it, it can't be contained and it's there everyday.
 
#92 ·
11. No hijacking threads. If your post is not on-topic for a particular thread, please start another thread for it rather than taking someone else's thread off-topic. Users who repeatedly hijack threads will be warned and potentially banned.
 
#95 ·
It's a reasonable wish. But isn't it a fact that you think that even then, when things were at their best, she was cheating?
 
#101 ·
Totally missed my point, but that's okay. Being a SAHD doesn't make you a doormat (though, staying with a cheating spouse--well...). I'll likely be in the SAHD role at some point, and I can't wait for that. Much better than working. But even you have to admit that a non-working spouse--male or female--has far less power than the breadwinner has, and if there is ever a time when the marriage dissolves, SAH spouses are going to struggle in most cases, and that is at least some part of what the OP is going through in his situation. Economics and logic do not lie.
 
#106 ·
Mac is usually right, and I think in this case he is.

There is a natural order of things. Women swoon over vin diesel, not the 140lb guy with the pencil protector.

You need to have attitude (which is #1 imo), physicality, masculinity, and social/economic status.

If you want women to want you, you need to act, and look like a man. Women in my opinion are drawn to that strength. I think men are drawn to the feminine on the flip side.

SAHD means either nothing at all or a world of difference. To use the example, if Vin diesel/brad pitt were stay at home dads, all the women would swoon even more. It would be sweet. "oh look what a daddy he is"

But if you're needy, clingy, or out of shape and act feminine it does matter. That's just imo. So no I don't think it matters, and yes I think it matters in a case by case basis.

In this case I think it matters. She's got you by the short hairs economically and psychologically.
 
#108 · (Edited)
Most of you think this marriage is hopeless. I just can't give up yet because my kids need an intact family. If they come from a broken home they may end up with some really bad baggage for a lifetime like I have. If I catch her cheating again the marriage will have to end though. I will have a plan in place for that. I already have another place I can live and the ability to support myself for a while.
 
#109 ·
Garm

There is no doubt in any of our minds that you will catch her.

Get your plan together.

Set money aside for your use to support yourself.

Secure a job so you can support yourself.

And get the solid evidence you need so you can file under "infidelity" if it helps you in the Divorce.

Now is the time to focus on you to better yourself and the lives of your children.

Your wife will never fall back in love with you the way you two are living right now.

And she will most likely never miss you until you are gone.....

HM64
 
#116 ·
My situation is still the same. She has been saying that she feels like she has to fake it to show any affection to me. She is not in love with me. She is willing to stick around for the kids. It seems like she wants us to be more like roommates.
I don't know what to do. I think to reconcile or divorce would both be very difficult. I don't know which option is better.
If we divorce, I would have to adjust to a lower standard of living. I would have to get a job after being unemployed 2 1/2 years. I would lose half or more time with the kids.
If we reconcile, I'm worried that my wife will continue to treat me badly. I think there would be a good chance of another D-Day in the near future.
I think I just need to give it more time and carefully plan my future.
 
#122 ·
You need a purpose in life.

Your purpose needs to be planning for a divorce where you get custody of the kids, and your future state.

A well prepared SAHD, who documents through a journal of facts that he is the primary care giver of his chldren, stands a good chance of getting primary custody.

Here are some other recommendations:
1. Stop having sex with your wife. You are replusing your wife by having sex with her given what she is saying about you and her marriage.
2. Start planning for a future state of your life, without your wife, with custody of your kids, with child support, with spousal support and with a job after the divorce after attaining these things.
3. Recognize that happiness and living life on your own terms is worth more than money.
4. Execute this as a process realizing it takes time... All this time you are gaining your own self respect if your wife chooses to treat you with respect as a husband and she chooses to act as a wife, you will consider stopping the process.
5. Adopt that attidude that YOUR WIFE has complete control to stop the process, stop the harm to the kids, provide an intact family to them. In other words, you have the weight of the kids on your shoulders, and it needs to be on your wife's.
 
#123 ·
Thanks for the advice again guys. I really like your advice Hicks. I do feel like I'm in limbo here. I keep accusing my wife that she is still in the affair since she is not showing me any affection or helping me heal. She continues to deny it. I have been watching her closely and it appears the affair is over, at least for now.

She says she can't help me heal because she does not want to fake being in love with me. I keep thinking about doing the 180. I really need to do that at this point.
 
#124 ·
Garm,

Think about what your wife has told you. She doesn't love you. You'll never get her respect back by staying in this marriage after her admitting that. Cheating aside, that should be enough on it's own for you to leave.

Add her infidelity back to the equation and it's just a ridiculous proposition. All your excuses for staying - please.
 
#129 ·
Get a job. Men were not made to stay home and take care of the kids and house. If we were the Creator would have given us milk glands.

Your wife doesn't respect you because, however long ago, you rolled over and agreed to play subservant to her. There is no mystery why she doesn't respect you. This SAHD bullsh*t is just one more reason why marriage is going the way of the dodo. Another feminist construct.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#131 ·
Sometime I feel like I should just try to act like a roommate and enjoy spending the money she earns and enjoy all the time I have with my kids. I could try to detach from her and just use her. It's just so difficult to try live like that and not have romantic feelings. I don't know if I can detach from her like she did from me. I get frustrated because she is not helping me heal or meeting my needs.
 
#133 ·
Good plan...

Use some of her money to sign up for a dating site.. When she sees you browsing it, tell her that you're looking for someone to meet all the needs that she's not meeting, so you can be loved by someone that isn't faking it. Make comments like "ooh, she sounds nice, pretty and intelligent, I wonder what it'd be like to date someone with those qualities"...

Tell her you need to heal from her abuse, you're looking for someone to help you since she's not willing to work on it.

I'd also find a job, even if it's working at night when she's home... Just to get out and be with people.
 
#140 ·
Honestly, if I got the chance to live the next 10 years raising my kids and not working and could THEN go out and start a new life once they move out...gotta say, it looks kinda tempting. But that would be because I'm not interested in ANY guy, including my husband and especially any OTHER guy, so...
 
#145 ·
I didn't read all the pages..

My simple question is what does the Therapist, Marriage Counselor say about all of this ?

Garm, I'm sorry buddy your going through all of this..

What I find funny is if she doesn't love you so much, why doesn't she just pull the trigger. She don't even have the guts to do that it seems..

Try to get some legal advice, but ask for some REAL NO BS INFO..

I paid a lawyer but in the end I did and negotiated everything myself. My lawyer even couldn't believe what I negotiated. So ask 3 or 4 lawyers before you decide on one..

Further try to make an agreement with your spouse if you can and STAY OUT OF THE COURTS..

I got custody of my oldest. My Pension, Other invested retirement monies. Now I have my youngest with me, so in 3 months when this is done. I told my STBXW that I would pay her for 3 months more of child support but then we are going to court to get it fixed. I see no reason why I have to pay her for a child that is with me 5 days out of the week. She didn't refute or rebuff it.. Lets see what happens.

Again sorry I know it svcks and no one wants this.. Best you can do is take a day at a time and carry on.. Because there is nothing else you can do.
 
#148 ·
What I find funny is if she doesn't love you so much, why doesn't she just pull the trigger. She don't even have the guts to do that it seems..
Why should she? She's got a safe, secure base maintained by Garm from which to operate, and a free baby-sitter to care for her progeny while she goes out and lives the party-girl lifestyle. Wayward women won't drop that security blanket. It has to be snatched away.

To me, in this huge mess which is Garm's existence, this part is the easiest to figure.
 
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