I posted here a couple of months ago. Here is a summary of what I am going through:
I discovered my wife was having an EA/PA affair nearly 5 years ago with a married man who has 2 kids. It was going on for 2 months. She supposedly ended the affair and we reconciled and had 2 kids together. Our kids are now 1 and 3 years old.
Three months ago I discovered she was having an affair with the same guy again. This time it supposedly went on for 6 months.
Since that time I have taken a lot of the advice given here. We wrote a no contact letter. I have exposed the affair to all of our family. We both have gotten tested for STD's. I got DNA tests for both kids and they are mine. I talked to the other man's wife a few times on the phone. She is going to individual counseling.
I spoke to the other man's wife and learned more about the affair. My wife has been messing around with this guy on and off for 4 and a half years, and even while she was pregnant with our first child. The other man had an affair with another woman during this time as well.
I understand that a cheater is supposed to show remorse and regret in order to properly reconcile. I am very worried because my wife is not remorseful. She has only said a couple of times that she was sorry she hurt me. When I get upset she gets angry and defensive. We have had several good days when she showed affection.
We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.
She insists that she has no contact with the other man. I have been checking on her. Now she is getting angry because she feels trapped and feels like I am controlling her every move. I really want our marriage to work out because our kids deserve a good family. It would be terrible if she ends up marrying this guy who I have considered my enemy for nearly 5 years. I can't imagine my enemy becoming a step father to my kids.
She says she needs time to work out her feelings. She is not giving me what I need to heal because she says she does not have those feelings for me. Am I just expecting too much from her since it has only been 3 months since Dday?
If I was a SAHD when her cheating started, I would blame it on being a SAHD. I know it is not that.
I just can't believe she would cheat on me for years and at the same time get pregnant twice with me. She was not even thinking about her babies. I actually trusted her to stay loyal to me since we had 2 babies at home. I was not even suspicious at all. How can I ever trust her again if she could do that?
Any woman with a healthy uterus can birth children. But her ability to procreate does not necessarily make her a mother. Mothers nurture their children, love their husbands, and sacrifice heir own wants and desires to create warm and loving households where children have a safe environment to grow and mature.
I would argue your wife is not a mother. And she is definitely no wife. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm a SAHD and have been for years. Everyone's got a opinion of a SAHD and here is mine since I have been a full time worker in the past also.
Most SAHM would praise me up and down because they knew the work involved and to not get paid made it all the harder. Their husbands would goto work, come home, eat dinner and not help out. The husbands thinking was that was the wife's "job". Women resent that, remember its a mix of Alpha/Beta. Working guy is fine, but come home and play with kids, throw some baseballs around. Help pick up after dinner. Give kids a bath once in a while.
It takes a strong man to become a SAHD, with all the stories you hear of men getting women prego then taking off. That's a weak man.
I don't think it had much if any to do with you being a SAHD. Like you stated she did it when you worked. She's a cheater, you can be a CEO and she would have done it.
Now, you KNOW she does not love you.
Talk to a lawyer and see what rights you have. Don't let her know you are doing this.
You can't ever trust her again and you know that...her actions prove this. Posted via Mobile Device
Nothing has really changed jerry123. I'm still in limbo here. I'm just trying to accept it. I'm trying to look at the bright side. I always worked jobs I hated. Now I get to stay at home with my kids.
I know I need to improve myself. I just have to take it one day at a time. Limbo does suck though. I'm finding it about impossible to implement the 180.
Have you talked to any lawyers to find out your rights as a SAHD? If I remember, it's only been 2.5 years.
Thing is, you are wasting your time with her. That time could be spent finding a loyal woman that respects you and loves you. There are millions out there.
By staying in limbo it is showing her that you are weak. Be strong!!
180 is tough but combine that with working out and getting out of the house.
Do you get out by yourself or with friends? Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks jerry. I did talk to lawyers. I just feel overwhelmed by the idea of divorce. I like being a SAHD. I do not feel like I could find another woman. I'm sure a SAHD is not attractive to women. I guess I'd rather be living here every day with my kids than living alone half the time. I have the nice guy syndrome and it is not easy to break out of that.
Thanks jerry. I did talk to lawyers. I just feel overwhelmed by the idea of divorce. I like being a SAHD. I do not feel like I could find another woman. I'm sure a SAHD is not attractive to women. I guess I'd rather be living here every day with my kids than living alone half the time. I have the nice guy syndrome and it is not easy to break out of that.
I can't remember the last time a woman flirted with me. I guess that is part of the reason my wife is in love with another man who is a foot taller than me.
Yea I read that book MMSL. It was very depressing to read. I have always been a beta type guy. It seems too difficult to change into something I'm not. I just never got into the social game stuff. I don't think my marriage will last too much longer since I'm not "alpha" enough. My wife should have figured that out when we dated over 3 years before we got married.
Let me see if I've got this right. You acknowledge that you're not the kind of man women, including your WW, find attractive but you aren't willing to even try to change so you are just resigning yourself to ending up in a failed marriage.
I'm not in therapy but I guess I should be. My doc prescribed me an SSRI but I am afraid to take them because of sexual side effects. I have heard that the side effects could be permanent.
I'm not in therapy but I guess I should be. My doc prescribed me an SSRI but I am afraid to take them because of sexual side effects. I have heard that the side effects could be permanent.
Do your due diligence. That is a generalization, most likely passed around by men who don't know any better and like to gossip about their most important asset. Doesn't sound like you've done much of anything to help yourself.
I can't remember the last time a woman flirted with me. I guess that is part of the reason my wife is in love with another man who is a foot taller than me.
Ok good, but with that attitude you're pretty much telling women to stay away.
Women want a strong confident man. I understand you say you're a "nice guy". Stop being that!!! Read the books, get your self back.
I was there, before being a SAHD I was building tools that make stuff.(Tool and die) I was an Alpha all the way. Then It happened, I got beta-sized over the years after being mr. Mom. Came here and took advice. I needed the sense slapped into me. And you need that now.
You just said your wife loves another man. She's gone, let her go.
Did lawyers say anything about custody of kids or child support? Posted via Mobile Device
Yea I read that book MMSL. It was very depressing to read. I have always been a beta type guy. It seems too difficult to change into something I'm not. I just never got into the social game stuff. I don't think my marriage will last too much longer since I'm not "alpha" enough. My wife should have figured that out when we dated over 3 years before we got married.
Garm. Be who you want to be. Fvck all that alpha beta puke. If you like who you are don't change. It's your sorry wife who needs changing. Get out of that mess and live your life. Posted via Mobile Device
True, but in making this decision he's decided that his relationship with his wife is less important them his sahd status and should not be surprised that his marriage has suffered. Even if she goes along with this it will only be until the kids get older and then she'll walk, but if it's divorce she wants she's better off to do it now. He'll want spousal support and the longer she stays married to him the more he'll get. The cheating, while cr&ppy, isn't the root of the problem. His kids would be much better off with two happy parents that love each other then they will be with him at home a assuming of course that they can't have both. Posted via Mobile Device
Why should gram change if he is ok with the present arrangement?
All of us on TAM knows his situation is worst. A five yr A, a remorseless, unloving wife, who dont give a sh1t about OPs pain and hurt. We also know for R, wife should be remorseful and ready to heavy lifting. Should be transparent and ready to do any thing to heal the BS. We know that he should find a job and do work out and change him self to an attractive male.He also know this.
He is not interested in finding a job and work out side. He prefers to be a SAHD. He is not interested in changing himself to an Attractive male, because it need work from his side. he is not ready to do that. He dont want to Divorce.
Then his only option is to continue in this marriage and acept this as his choice of life. He did this also.
We can only give advice to people, they will take what they want. we cant make them do that. Let him continue his life as he wish.
But as everyone said here, I too want to say that OP this is not a life. This not the father your children's needed as a moral figure. You may be the best care giver but not the best one for your children to be their moral figure.
Nobody's saying there's anything wrong with being a sahd, we're saying that you're willing to accept being married to a liar and a cheat so you can keep the sahd lifestyle. If that's your decision then fine, but you're also complaining about her cheating. With your current position you have no leverage. Zero. She was cheating on you with a job, and I can guarantee that her respect for you is below zero right now. Posted via Mobile Device
I have accepted that she has no respect for me. That is her fault. She decided to change completely from the woman I married. I have basically not changed at all while she made the decision to become a different person.
I know that what I am doing now is better than what I would have as a divorced SAHD. I get to see my kids every day. I don't have to work at a job that I hate. I don't have to shuffle the kids around for holidays and birthdays.
No way would I be getting a job if I were you, man. Why weaken your bargaining position in the event of a divorce (which seems likely)? Also, you mentioned in a previous post that you have another place to live in the event you catch her cheating again? That right there goes to the heart of the problem concerning your mindset, imo. Why in the world should you move out and leave your kids with a woman like this? You need to be of the mindset that in the event of divorce, you are going for the house, the child support, the alimony, full custody, and she is the one that needs to take on the debt. This whole thing is her doing, let her suffer the consequences accordingly. And your kids need your influence as well.
The thing is, it really doesn't matter how she does or doesn't feel about you. Her feelings do not justify her abusing you. Period. It doesn't matter whether she loves you or not. She lied, she cheated, she is doing harm to you now and she did harm to you in the past. She is also harming your children. The first conversation I would be having with your wife would go something like this-
"If you are this screwed up of a person with this degree of absent morals that you don't even feel badly about abusing an innocent person (me) AND your kids, why don't you just leave and let me raise them? Why would you feel confident in your ability to be a mother?
I respect you for trying to keep your family together. No joke. But the situation you find yourself in is NOT sustainable. Time to really turn up the heat on this woman. If I were you I'd be getting my hands on as much money as humanly possible. Take credit cards and cash advance them to the max, put the cash in a safe deposit box. Ask her constantly for more money. Tell her you are upset about her abuse and you need to go out and spend some money to make yourself feel better. Seriously.
Then DO it.
Go away for the weekend with friends and pick up a few bar tabs. Buy yourself a new big screen 3d tv if that is your thing. STOP all supplicating behavior. She is not acting like a married person and it has been proven that you acting like a married person has not worked in your reconciliation. Try something different.
The advice your getting is meant to help you. Crude as it is, it's the truth.
But I don't believe you being a SAHD has anything to do with the person your wife is. She is a cheater.
Woman cheat on men who work hard all day and provide for their family also.
The change you need to make is for you, not her. You need to love and respect yourself before anyone can love and respect you.
If she is on board then great, if she is not then move on. There are millions of other women out there. Right now your wife sees you as weak. She cheated and you took her back.
I took advice from this forum and it helped me. I did not want to believe people here but they were right.
I don't even know if my wife cheated on me. Never found any proof but if I do find out in the future I am done with her. No R for us.
For me, it was the way she was treating me. I used to let things go because I did not want to "stir the pot".
Not anymore, my wife treats me much better because I don't take her disrespect. She still tries but I squash it every time.
If you have not talked to a lawyer do it soon. It's free advice and you will see what position you are in as a SAHD. Posted via Mobile Device
I really appreciate your comments and support jerry123. I have talked to a few attorneys. I should have filed for divorce then just to see her reaction. I am not ready for divorce since I am a long term SAHD with no real employment options. I guess we are going to live like roommates for a while so we can raise our kids together. Maybe she will get the romantic feelings for me back, but I know there is little chance of that happening. I do know that I will not accept her to continue her affair. She knows I am watching her like a hawk.
I have to be honest, I don't want my current spouse but I don't want a replacement, either. So if I had the opportunity to stay at home and not have to work for another 10-15 years as a roommate, I'd be tempted. I could be going to school and getting a second degree, or a PhD, or writing the Great American Novel or something, with that time. Plus, I'd get to be there for my kids 24/7. Once they're off to college, I'd be ready to branch out in my new career.
I am finding it very difficult to live as roommates with my wife. It really bugs me when I get no affection from her. She refuses to help me heal because there is no love or respect. I guess I need to learn how to detach so that it doesn't bother me. Is that even possible?
Everyone is different. It wouldn't be possible for me, I did divorce someone where there was no love or respect. Let me ask you this: if getting a job was going to help heal your marriage would you do it? I'm not suggesting it would, just trying to get a feel for your priorities. Was being a long term sahd a mutual decision, or did you just not look for another job when you got laid off? Sahp must be a joint decision to have any chance of working long term.
Also, I know you like this lifestyle but you really do need a backup plan for if she divorces you. I don't recall how long you've been a sahd but if your kids are little it can't be that long, so you may not get as much support as you think. Right now you're banking on her staying married to you, but what if she doesn't? You wouldn't be the first sahp to be left high and dry when the spouse leaves. Just be careful and plan for all possibilities. Posted via Mobile Device
Garm, just think....everything you are doing is not working.
It's not working because she basically got away with cheating. She has no remorse, does not care if you "heal".
And no, you can't live like roommates. It won't work for you. It works for her because she does not have to show affection and you take care of the kids for her.
Living like this is really easy for her and hard for you. She is in control.
Take control back...detach by serving divorce papers. That seems like your only option.
The more you try and show her affection and want affection back the more she will pull away.
If you listen to me your life will be better, but you need to change yourself if you want to find another woman who will love you and show affection.
Picture me grabbing you with my hands and trying to shake some sense into you. There is probably no one more than myself that wants you to turn your life around and I don't even know you! Posted via Mobile Device
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