I posted here a couple of months ago. Here is a summary of what I am going through:
I discovered my wife was having an EA/PA affair nearly 5 years ago with a married man who has 2 kids. It was going on for 2 months. She supposedly ended the affair and we reconciled and had 2 kids together. Our kids are now 1 and 3 years old.
Three months ago I discovered she was having an affair with the same guy again. This time it supposedly went on for 6 months.
Since that time I have taken a lot of the advice given here. We wrote a no contact letter. I have exposed the affair to all of our family. We both have gotten tested for STD's. I got DNA tests for both kids and they are mine. I talked to the other man's wife a few times on the phone. She is going to individual counseling.
I spoke to the other man's wife and learned more about the affair. My wife has been messing around with this guy on and off for 4 and a half years, and even while she was pregnant with our first child. The other man had an affair with another woman during this time as well.
I understand that a cheater is supposed to show remorse and regret in order to properly reconcile. I am very worried because my wife is not remorseful. She has only said a couple of times that she was sorry she hurt me. When I get upset she gets angry and defensive. We have had several good days when she showed affection.
We have had some talks and she told me that she has completely changed since we were married 11 years ago while I have stayed the same. She has told me several times that she will just be miserable if we stay married. She seems to be on the fence about our marriage. She is telling me that she does not love me and that is the reason she cheated. She says she is trying to love me again so we can give our kids a good home. She says she is unhappy. She says she is just going to have to sacrifice her happiness so we don't break up our family. She is worried that she will be miserable as long as we are married.
She insists that she has no contact with the other man. I have been checking on her. Now she is getting angry because she feels trapped and feels like I am controlling her every move. I really want our marriage to work out because our kids deserve a good family. It would be terrible if she ends up marrying this guy who I have considered my enemy for nearly 5 years. I can't imagine my enemy becoming a step father to my kids.
She says she needs time to work out her feelings. She is not giving me what I need to heal because she says she does not have those feelings for me. Am I just expecting too much from her since it has only been 3 months since Dday?
I think that is actually a very common time to cheat. Women are subjected to major hormonal shifts during and after a pregnancy, couple that with the huge life change that comes with a young child, and you have a recipe for infidelity.
Running into the arms of another person is very tempting when all you have at home is a screaming child and a partner too worn out from caring for that child to tend to YOUR needs.
I don't think so. I think most new mothers are putting their energy into their kids. They are happy to have their young family and couldn't imagine having an affair at that time. Things might change when the kids get older. I married an extremely rare breed of cheater.
Garm, you're right that your wife would have cheated regardless of your employment status, but at this point she doesn't love or respect you and the odds of that changing are zero while you are a sahd. The odds are still small if you get a job but this way they do not exist. This is your life, to be roommates. You might be able to stop her affairs, but you'll still remain roommates and eventually she'll find a way. You have only a few options here:
You can continue with the current arrangement as roommates and monitor her constantly. This will get tiring.
You can continue with the current arrangement as roommates and don't worry about what she does.
You can get a job and try to salvage your marriage. This may not work but at least you'll have the means to support yourself when the marriage ends.
You can make plans to divorce. This might include sticking it out for a couple of years to strengthen you hand, but understand that the hand it might strengthen is custody, which you'll probably share with her anyway. Spousal support is based partly on how long it's been since your worked and what your earning potential is. It seems that's it's only been a couple of years, and you said your had a good job. A judge will tell you to get a job. Spousal support is for people to get on their feet, unless you're talking about a long marriage where a spouse has limited options to get on their feet. That's not going too apply to you.
There's your options, pick one, because you can't have what you want: continuing your stay at home status with a wife that loves and respects you. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks for the comments. I'm still trying to decide what option to take. We've been married 11 years. I've been a SAHD for a little over 2 years. She earns over double the money I was earning when I worked. I think that puts me in a good position in a divorce.
Jerry123 is a good example for you. Why? He is having sex and has broken his wife's disrespectful pattern. Let us be honest. Modern relationships are complicated by many things. However at bottom a woman is happy if she gets a good pounding. A hard spank while having rough sex is just a turn on when there is yin-yang balance. You will never recover affection and respect by emasculating yourself.
Read Jerry's thread. Also, Southsideirish. Posted via Mobile Device
My situation is a little different than yours Garm but still I had to change myself to change my wife. If I did not then my wife would have kept being disrespectful to me.
I have no proof that my wife has ever cheated on me. If I did find out she cheated I would divorce her in a heartbeat. Heck, I was ready to divorce just based on her being disrespectful.
2 years ago I was an overweight, beta SAHD. We had sex probably once a month. No BJ's, no variety, and no initiating by her.
I came here for advice on a few things...read MMSG and worked hard at changing myself. It's all about attitude and confidence. Plus not taking crap from anyone especially my wife.
Oh, and to the post about SAHD being the most unattractive of all men, well I've been hit on by SAHM-women a few times. And they know I'm married.
Garm, in my opinion your wife is not worth the effort. You are in a very tough spot and only you can change it. It must be horrible to live like that with your wife.
I know you love your kids but having them grow up in a marriage like yours is not good. They are young but they pick up on a lot of things and to see how you and your wife interact is not healthy for them. Posted via Mobile Device
Once a cheater, always a cheater. A cheater will only stay in a relationship if there is not enough suitable outside options. A cheater doesn't suddenly get reformed by some diving magic. Nature doesn't progress in jumps.
What garm means is that HE is more proud to be a SAHD than a scumbag. So HE assumes that's what women want. Which is fine. As long as he doesn't keep chasing a woman who doesn't believe it.
Garm in many ways, even though you completely hate to admit it.. You still hold your wife on a pedestal. Deep down beyond all this BS your spewing you still love her.
Trust me we have all been there.. I know I have and in some ways still am. The difference with many people here is how they learn if anything how to deal with this situation.
For ME, I think I probably hit rock bottom much faster then many men here. Trust me being a cop for almost 24 years now, you would think I seen it all. I had 2 partners killed in the line of duty. Seen many horrible things, but absolutely NOTHING prepared me for my wife leaving me. I literally was like a man coming out of a collapsed building. I was in shock and disbelief.
BUT
I think the other difference here is I had a lot of support from co workers, friends, family people here on TAM. What I noticed is that many from all angles where pretty much saying the same things. Oddly enough though my family is very small, Just my mom and brother. They both went through there own affair issues. My mom about 33 years ago and my brother 4 or 5 years ago. My dad left and never came back.
The next thing was a Girl Friend, it was tumultuous relationship with both of us having some sort of issues. But in your 40s who the fvck doesn't I think.
But honestly getting laid really helped..
For me being with my wife for 19 years and 14 years married it has taken me 8 months to not think about her that much at all and I can function much better.
In the beginning of my relationship with the GF I was honestly half in and half out. Part of me was waiting for my wife to come knocking on my door and the other part I wanted to move on.
It caused me a lot of stress and retarded issues with the GF.. But something happen during our last break up and eventual getting back together. Something just snapped in me.
I felt like I was dating again. I didn't have that stress of half in and half out.
The GF asked me what will happen to her if my ex comes back. And that is when I had my Epiphany.
I no longer had my wife on a pedestal anymore.
I retorted back to the GF
"What about me ? When does bobby matter ? When does it matter WTF what I want ? Why is it that I just have to sit here and accept her coming back ? Why is it that I should have to feel like I should bow down on the floor and thank my lucky stars that my wife came to her senses and graced me with her presences and that I should feel fortunate and be happy to take her back ?..."
"No, I',m fvcking done with that. I tried.. I would have ate sh1t off the floor if she asked me. I would have chopped off my right arm for her. I would have done anything to get her back. To fix this for my family and my kids. But she didn't care and on top of this she treated me like total sh1t while she was deciding when to leave me.
No, I can't. I refuse to. I can't do this to myself anymore. I can't do this to my kids.. I wouldn't survive another instance of this happening again. It's just too much for my kids and me."
I don't know why it took me about 7 to 8 months to think more clearly.. Maybe the COP mentality kicked in eventually. Maybe it was all the support. Maybe it was both.
I will tell you my friend was telling me issues about his divorce and I used that stuff to protect myself in mine. Maybe I am fortunate to see someone else get burned with a match, that I don't need to do it myself to see.
I have no rats a$$ clue how long it will take you. But I can tell you to me at least I it sounds like deep down where you truly hate to admit it your still pining for your wife and you hate it on some level.
Again trust me its okay we all have been there or are still there. But you need to be honest with yourself so you can truly get to the bottom of your issues and find your way out of this mess.
As far as being a stay at home dad. Look the courts are starting to see that its not all about giving the kids to the moms. But it also doesn't mean being a SAHD will put things in your favor. It can also turn against you. Heck her lawyer could put forth a good fight about day care and have you pay half. So you could see yourself being told that was nice that you were a SAHD, but now you need to go to work to pay half the day care.
Look my STBXW is a Dental Hygienist she is probably making 45 to 46 an hour now, I make I think 48. She first didn't understand that I can take a piece of her licenses and she thought because she didn't work 40 hours a week that they wouldn't calculate it her salary that way. She thought they would only take into consideration the 10 to 12 hours a week she is actually is working.
Further she didn't think that because her name was not on the mortgage that she wasn't liable for the debt.
Nutshell I knew and her lawyer instructed her as well that she was. She came home that day singing a different tune then when she started before going to the lawyer.
Again my point don't think because your the underdog in a sense that the judge will in your favor. You surely cannot hide behind the kids and make your point that someone has to watch your kids and that your the best choice for watching your kids 5 days a week.
It might make a decent reason to have primary custody, meaning the kids will be living with you. But don't hold your breath that being a SAHD is gonna save you.
Divorces are nothing more then business transactions. Both will have joint custody and they will live with someone while another gets visitation rights. Unless you do the they live with me half a year and her half a year and no one gets child support.
Infidelity / Affair does nothing in most states except when the Betrayed spouse can prove that the affair caused the Wayward spouse to abandon her children in some way. Even then its tough because it will be your word against hers and she would deny anything you say as a lie, if she was smart.
My wife faked our 4 month Reconciliation before leaving me and the kids pretty much over night.
Again this sh1t happens and trying to reconcile doesn't always mean they want to.
If anything hindsight being 20/20. I can tell you I would rather be getting the divorce and her moving out and THEN looking to come back afterwards. This way you can truly say it was all on her. That she made the move to come back on her own. At least the ball is in your court then. You have all the power and hand then..
But now you really don't have any hand. You might want to pretend and convince yourself you do, but you truly don't.
Find some friends, get a therapist. Listen to what they have to say. Even my therapist tells me I shouldn't take my STBXW back.
Good luck
P.S. I have custody primary custody of one boy and the other is with me 5 days a week.
I work 5 days a week mon to fri. Anywhere from 6 am to 3 PM to 9 PM. My wife still only works those 3 days a week that she has been working for the last 14 years.
I'm in the process of first reducing her child support and then just out right asking her for full custody. Which ATM I think she is so messed up that she will give up custody. Mind you she was never like this and she always wasn't this villain or bad person. She actually was a loving mother and loving wife.
But what happen I have no clue and I don't fvcking care anymore.
Thanks Hardtohandle and others for the comments. My wife is very lucky that I didn't divorce her after Dday. We have a lot of assets and I am the primary caregiver to our kids. She has a lot to lose in a divorce. She knows this. That is why she is sticking around. There is always a winner and loser in a child custody case in this state and I am no doubt the primary caregiver. She does not want to leave me since the kids are involved. I think if I was working full time with a decent paying career she would divorce me because she would probably win custody.
It's been 5 months since DDay and I am getting to the point where I feel like I can handle a divorce and living on my own. I really don't want to give up my lifestyle because I know it will be tough for me in a divorce financially for the long term. A divorce would require some drastic changes for me and that is a little scary to think about. I'll try to stay in the marriage for a while, and if we split up in the future at least we will have more equity in the house and have more in our retirement savings.
My friend always says he regretting staying in his marriage for similar reasons.. His simple comment is now I could have found someone who loves me and been happy today..
But again this is Garm road to travel not mine or anyone else here.. I just don't see the necessity of you getting burned with that match after we told you it hurt..
But regardless keep posting, keep venting. But also remember if you decide to stay much of your fighting and your posting will be circular. There will come a point here that you will just be repeating much of your old stuff..
It sounds like maybe you've accepted that you have a loveless, roommate marriage. You're going to have to make financial changes eventually, that writing is on the wall, but your plan of sticking it out a little longer to strengthen your hand regarding house equity, etc, sounds like a good one. I have to chuckle because if her reason for staying is because of financial loss she's going to lose a lot more the longer this drags on; she'd be better off to cut her losses and file now. .She should be putting all of her efforts into rebuilding a real relationship with you, but instead it's going to cost her more. Alas, men with stay at home wives do this all the time....it's the perils of not knowing when to cut your losses. It may work in your favor Posted via Mobile Device
Garm...would love an update. He's been gone 2 months Posted via Mobile Device
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