BlueOblivion2

I am totally new to this community, and my husband of just one year strongly suggested that I seek information here. I hope it helps. I really apologize for the length here, but I think a lot of the info is needed. If you'd like, you can just read the red text which includes only vital info.

Here's out story:

We met his very first day of high school. I was 15 and had just moved back to NJ from AL and was very devastated. My husband was my very first friend at my new high school and has been my life for 10 years. We both stayed local for college so we didn't have to separate and moved in together as soon as he graduated college. Less than a year later, we were married (March 08). We both have so much love for each other and never get tired of spending time together (I know this is very rare but its true).

The first major problem we had occurred in 2001 when I was a senior in high school. We hadn't seen each other in a few days (remember, we were in high school together so we usually spent a good portion of the day together). A childhood friend called and asked if I wanted to come over to watch a movie. While I knew he had a thing for me, I still went to his house. I even tried to cover my tracks by saying that I was going shopping. I could get into a long story explaining what happened, but short story is that I was a virgin when I went to the guy's house and left in a different state. While this wasn't what I wanted and kinda felt taken advantage of, I refuse to deny my blame for the situation.

I told my boyfriend what happened, and it was the absolute hardest thing I've ever gone through (I know...imagine what it was like for him). I was expecting it to be over that night, but he decided to try to forgive me. He said, though, that if I ever did that again, it would be over.

8 years later - I was away on a business trip that lasted a week. The group of us that attend love to go out, drink, dance, and generally have a lot of fun. Our nights usually end in the hot tub and pool of our hotel. We had a new guy with us this time (this just happened this week...got home today), and he was definitely a major flirt. Long story short, we ended up having sex at the end of the night on Wednesday.

So Thursday I should be worrying about my marriage, right? Wrong. While I was thinking about it, I was more concerned with the fact that this guy was out on the prowl looking for a chick at the bars. The thought even crossed my mind to seek out another guy to flirt with so I felt wanted (not to make the guy jealous cause we weren't at the same location...he wouldn't have seen me flirting). I know this doesn't make much sense, but I imagined that we would be spending the rest of the trip there together and that he must have liked me (despite me being married already, which is the stupid part of this logic), so I was hurt by this.

So now today, Friday, I resolve that I either have a mental problem or there is something very wrong with our relationship. At first, I approached my husband saying that I have changed a lot since I was 15 and I think we've grown apart (which I'm still thinking is partly the case) and need to split up. But as soon as he hugged me, I broke down in tears and told him what happened. I can't deny the love I have for him, and I really don't want to lose him. However, he is an amazing guy and definitely doesn't deserve this. Since this is the second time I've cheated on him, I really feel like he needs to find someone better as much as it pains me to say.

However, my husband believes that there must be a way to keep me from cheating again. Since I said that I can't promise I won't do it again (can't say this...I said it before and obviously didn't mean it), he wants me to do some research online and to post the issue on here to see what suggestions are made or what experiences others have had that might be similar.

I haven't seen any posts that are very similar. I think our relationship is very unique because of the ages we started dating and that the problem may stem from not going through the dating stage in high school. Another problem that may be a contributor is that we are no where near an affectionate couple. We actually had to make a rule to kiss each other at least one time a day, but we didn't hold to this. I feel like we don't have a passionate love for each other anymore, but he thinks he has passion for me and doesn't show it outwardly because he fears my rejection.

So my husband is currently at his parents' house trying to figure out what to do and if there's any way to save our relationship. He says that if he decides to separate from me, we can still be friends and talk as we have been through so much and such hard years together.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Anyone have insight into the likely reason I cheated on my husband or ways to get the passion back in our relationship? I know my husband is going through much worse right now, but I really need some advice on what to do now. He will not trust me for a while, I'm sure, and while I did that to myself I don't know that I want to be in a relationship with no trust.

Thanks.

Initfortheduration

How can he trust you? You lost your virginity to someone else then him. And then when you go on a trip, you completely forget about him. And your only concern is for another man. I would let him go. You obviously have different desires then him. But you do need help. You're a serial cheater and you will take that trait with you unless you find out why you do it. Were you abused as a child in any way?

michzz

You need to take responsibility for your actions past, present, and future. Find your self control.

I recommend therapy for yourself. You're not even ready for marriage counseling yet.

BlueOblivion2

Init - Thanks for your comment. Of course he can't trust me; I realize this, but he feels we can work through it if there is some way he can "guarantee" it won't happen again. While I don't believe such a guarantee exists, I was told that if I love him I will try to find one so here I am. No abuse as a child, both parents have always been in my life and committed to each other, and I can't think of any other reason why I am screwed up. I will most definitely seek counseling.

michzz - Thanks for your comment as well. How else do I take responsibility besides telling him that it happened and that he deserves someone better? I'm serious - I didn't think I was trying to avoid any blame here. I've been analyzing myself a lot to try to figure out why I'd do this to him, so is this how I am not taking responsibility for my actions?

michzz

Pointing out that you can't guarantee that you won't cheat again puts the onus on him to either walk or forever be on guard since you can't be trusted.

That's unfair.

You need to learn self control or just leave people out of your romantic life who expect faithfulness.

dobo

You have a need for instant gratification (immaturity) combined with probably low self-esteem. This makes you very vulnerable to anyone who shows interest. You like the attention because it validates you in a way you can't get validation from within, from your marriage and your accomplishments.

You need therapy big time.

But from where I'm sitting, if you can't promise you won't cheat again, you should leave the poor guy and let him find someone who can remain faithful and who will love him the way he deserves to be loved.

That he wants to hold onto you only shows his low self-esteem.

foolz1

Oh wow, I am almost at a loss here. In my opinion you need to grow up and decide if you are even marriage material. I understand that you may believe you have missed out on some things in life, but why be married if you wish to behave this way? Until you can resolve some very personal issues, you need to wing it alone.

__________________
Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving: it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe. — Thomas Paine (1737-1809), American revolutionary, political philosopher & writer.

AZMOMOFTWO

I met my husband when I was 16, he was 18. I have been with him for 24 years. I never cheated, never considered it, its not who I am. I made a commitment. He cheated though. Maybe he should be the one to answer your post.

But let me tell you this, the reason why I signed on tonight is because I am resisting the deep urge to pack a bag, sneak out the back door, and disappear for awhile or maybe end my marriage. I found out over 14 months ago, and guess what it doesn't stop hurting. I think sometimes maybe it should just be over. I gave him 24 years of total trust, respect, faithfulness, and he trashed it, just as you have.

It doesn't sound like YOU believe you will never cheat again. So if I were your H, I wouldn't give you a second shot. I'm not sure my H deserves one at all, and yet he says he's 1000% sure he will never do it again and does not put himself in to that situation. You will continue to put yourself in that situation, and you will cheat again and why? Because you know he will take you back. Are you serious about keeping him? Then take another job or don't go out and party with those people. You complain your marriage lacks passion, well you are part of that. You aren't committing to it, but you give another guy passion. Marriage takes work, it doesn't sound like you want to put in any work at all, just want it to be like when you met. Well marriage is hard work, you need to cultivate it. Look at that guy you had sex with, really exciting right? Yeah, all of an hour or so and he got BORED with you, went on to another woman! That is the kind of life you can have if you like, but sounds like you are throwing away a great guy. Your choice.

You sound like you never should have gotten married. You are out partying and jumping in the hot tub with guys. There is nothing wrong with that except that you are married. Be honest, you are going to do it again so why put this guy through it? He's young can find someone else, and deserves better.

Do not blame it on age, you didn't take responsibility. I read a lot of reasons why your situation is different because you were so young, but he hurts just like anyone else.

Initfortheduration

If you don't believe such a guarantee exists, you are sure to cheat if the opportunity arises. Let him go, so that he can find someone who will love only him.