Still not over it - Page 2

swedish · 04-22-2008, 11:53 AM

I read this on another site:

work colleagues and boundaries of such relationships-
1) that you don't pursue or accept suggestions of separate time together in inappropriate settings,
2) that you guard against personal discussions that push a friendship to a level you can't handle,
3)and that you commit to never keeping interactions with others secret from your partner.

Sounds like you are struggling with 2). Working in an office environment for many years, I have been part of many such conversations myself but since my husband's EA I would have the same issue you are having. I think due to the circumstances, neither of you are 'wrong' here...you just need to compromise on a level of office chit-chat you are both comfortable with...ie when talking to women you might find attractive, keep relationship issues off the table, etc.

True Blue · 04-22-2008, 12:46 PM

Swedish I totally agree.

We discussed this issue in our therapy session last week and the therapist said the exact same thing. Before our session he really didn't see the harm in having that type of disscusion at work. The therapist basically told him that since I expressed how uncomfortable I was, it was his responsibility to re-assure me by guarding against that type of discussion. He felt that by telling me about it he wasn't keeping any secrets and I appreciate him being honest with me. He's agreed that he should keep conversations with other women at work strictly professional. That's not to say he can't have casual conversation about a show he saw on tv, etc. But he now realizes that conversations regarding someone's love life is totally off limits.

mommy22 · 04-22-2008, 01:26 PM

It's always better to be safe than sorry!!!!

swedish · 04-22-2008, 01:54 PM

True Blue,

I think the hardest part for me is that my husband has also been very open about work discussions, etc. and has really made a tremendous effort in rebuilding my trust, so part of me is reluctant to tell him when things bother me because I don't want him to stop telling me things, but I also don't want to feel any more hurt than I already have. So far, he's been really understanding but sometimes I wonder if he'll tire of it and stop telling me things just to avoid these stressful conversations.

draconis · 04-22-2008, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedish

True Blue,

I think the hardest part for me is that my husband has also been very open about work discussions, etc. and has really made a tremendous effort in rebuilding my trust, so part of me is reluctant to tell him when things bother me because I don't want him to stop telling me things, but I also don't want to feel any more hurt than I already have. So far, he's been really understanding but sometimes I wonder if he'll tire of it and stop telling me things just to avoid these stressful conversations.

Communication is so important, please tell him that you thank him for being honest but x still rubs you the wrong way. He can't fix a problem he doesn't know about.

draconis

True Blue · 04-23-2008, 05:13 AM

Swedish~

I worried about him shutting down too. He really thought he was just sharing his day with me so when I went off about the convervsation he felt he should have kept it to himself. After we discussed it in out therapy session a lot of good points were raised and I think he will continue to be open with me. I know he's reluctant but I think he's starting to understand that the only way to rebuild the trust is the remain honest and open. However, I also have to learn to control my reactions and not "blow up" at him when ever he shares something with me. It's hard for me because I've been attack mode since the affair, but I'm learing to control my emotions. He thought by keeping things from me he was protecting my feelings. I think he understands that in order to move past this everything has to continue to be open with me.

Swedish to piggy back off what Draconis said, continue to tell him when something is troubling you and try to convey your feelings as calmly as you possibly can.

swedish · 04-23-2008, 09:56 AM

Draconis & True Blue, thanks. I do tell him I appreciate how honest he's been with me and that I know it's hard for him. I don't even know how to be in attack mode...I just withdraw and have trouble speaking at all when I'm upset. This is something I will always struggle with and need to work on. He is also very quiet, so we understand each other but it's also been horrible as far as the importance of communication in a marriage goes. It's not natural for him to tell me about his day, but he has been working at that also. I don't know that there's anything he can fix. As a couple, we have become more close than either of us has ever been with anyone and are having fun together. If I bring up the subject of OW...if she has talked to him at work, etc. it's usually yes she came in my office and asked if she could have a diet coke..etc. He is very short with her and is annoyed when she talks to him at all (I think because he knows he will eventually talk to me and may upset me etc) so I don't really expect him to do anything different...just hoping one of them will leave the company at some point so I don't have to think about it anymore.