She's ruined me - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 07:50 PM
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By the way, can I sleep in the same bed with her tonight? I won't touch her, but I sure as hell ain't sleeping on the couch. If she wants to, I'm perfectly fine with it. But I'll be damned if I'm going to.
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Stop and ask yourself that question out loud. Can you? Who's permission do you need? You're going to sleep in your bed. If you want her in the bed, let her sleep there if she chooses to. If you don't, kick her ass out to the couch.
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post #77 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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The worst you can do is to make any hasty decisions this is still very raw for you. So just take some time to yourself this will prevent others from hurting you and you from hurting others. Right now she is away from you so you have some free space to really just decompress from the situation. Until you can come up with a game plan to either work it out or to divorce like I said you have a girl with this person and you seem to still want to get with her so give it some time until wiser people than me give you some advice. If you do have contact just try to keep it civil so that you don't damage EITHER of your chances.

1. No name calling

2. No put downs

3. No harassment

4. No vindictive treatment


I know you are hurting and you are entitled to hurting and hurting her back I am a big believer in punching back. But in this case your hurt and anger will not be your friend instead they could hurt BOTH of your chances. Remember things said in anger are almost always regretted. Take a break from her and just wait for cooler heads.
I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, we dont have a daughter together. I have my daughter and she has her two kids.

And I'm not acting angry right now or feeling it, as crazy as that is. I don't know why but I already feel better from that sickness in my stomach being gone from not worrying what she is thinking. Don't get me wrong, I still want her, but already feel better not worrying right now.
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post #78 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:14 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

OP, she was never yours to begin with. You took her away from another man and now another man is taking her away from you. Sorry but you get what you pay for. You're paying for it now.

"You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or burp or fart!"
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post #79 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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OP, she was never yours to begin with. You took her away from another man and now another man is taking her away from you. Sorry but you get what you pay for. You're paying for it now.
I guess you're right, but I didn't want her to leave him for me. But it did happen that way. I do really really believe in karma, so I guess I should open wide and relish in my serving of what comes aroubd goes around.
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post #80 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: She's ruined me

Also, CEL, I'm loving your words, but I am also not married, just engaged to her.
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post #81 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:21 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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Originally Posted by oklahoma1 View Post
I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, we dont have a daughter together. I have my daughter and she has her two kids.

And I'm not acting angry right now or feeling it, as crazy as that is. I don't know why but I already feel better from that sickness in my stomach being gone from not worrying what she is thinking. Don't get me wrong, I still want her, but already feel better not worrying right now.
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Good in fact that is great. The affair is bad and I am not condoning or pardoning it AT ALL. But I also want you to realize that if you really want to get back together you need to not punch any holes in the boat. So be the best you can be, don't talk about the affair or the relationship but try to be the best YOU that you can. This is both for you and her, if you want to work on a reconciliation then you will BOTH have to take ownership that the relationship was not great to begin with even before she had her affair. You can go to the Affaircare website they have some great information on it Articles | AFFAIRCARE here is a list of articles you can read about this should give you a good idea at least where to start. They have a ton of stuff on what to do and how to go about it.

Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all,
I've heard it in the chillest land, / And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity, / It asked a crumb of me.
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post #82 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:22 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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Also, CEL, I'm loving your words, but I am also not married, just engaged to her.
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Been with my girl for 8 years we are not married but we have the rings and the love is the same. Sorry if I go back and forth on the terms.

Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all,
I've heard it in the chillest land, / And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity, / It asked a crumb of me.
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post #83 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:24 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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As crazy as it seems, in all honesty, I would rather work it out. Of course I would want to fix my problems first, no more porn and taking care of myself. If we make it or not, I'm fixibg that. I want to get back to being my old confident self that could be pretty damn good in bed.

But for me to try to get over this and fix things, I need her to come crawling. I couldn't do it unless I thought she felt true remorse. She is already poutting around me right now, but it's not enough. I need to somehowget the upper hand again and see her beg. I don't want to make her beg and don't get off on that type of thing, but I need to see the sincerity in her. I can be a very mean person, strong and stern, but I can also be very forgiving. I have a hard time holding on to hate most of the time. I honestly think if I truly felt she had remorse and regret and honestly needed me and wanted to make it work, I could forgive and almost forget. Is that crazy?
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Oh man, you allowed your woman to go to another man to get laid so she could get it out her system and you could work on your relationship? Really?
How is she supposed to achieve that while lying on her back having good sex?
Even now you're still simpering like a little kitten, begging and willing to forgive. There are always solutions to problems. If you're holding on to her because you dont want to lose the house..utterly wrong. Rent out rooms, rent the house move somewhere smaller, find a solution, but for gods sake grow up and act like a man and stop being walked all over.
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post #84 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:37 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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OP, she was never yours to begin with. You took her away from another man and now another man is taking her away from you. Sorry but you get what you pay for. You're paying for it now.

This is very true but does it matter? We pay for our crimes or we don't either way a human being suffers and wants to heal from it. The harm he did was to another human being should I then try to punish him for a wrong that was done years ago? Should I deny him what help I can? I have known what it was like to be in pain does it matter that he has also caused that pain to others? Must this only be about his punishment, can't it also be about his growth. Through this he will have a better appreciation of how he hurt the husband but he could also turn this into how he came to know he loved his girl, how he came to understand how to be a good boyfriend or husband, or even how he came to understand what NOT to do in a relationship.

Respectfully I understand your words and that is certainly part of the dynamic and I am certainly not down paying the truth in your words. I just believe this could be more than just a punishment, if it is one thing I have learned it is that punishment is rarely enough he has the opportunity to make this about more than that. Whether he will through divorce or reconciliation is up to him.

At the heart of the word Karma is a sense of learning not PUNISHMENT it is about correcting and learning from the past mistakes. Punishment actually has nothing to do with the concept instead it is about redressing the balance to do that you can take away something "punishment" or add something "learning new behaviors, making amends, etc".

Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all,
I've heard it in the chillest land, / And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity, / It asked a crumb of me.
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post #85 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:39 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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How could he have stopped it? Handcuffed her to the bannister? How do you keep someone who is determined to defy you from running off and doing something.

Threat of divorce and exposure would not have stopped her. Could he have been more GrrrrrrrrrAlpha? Maybe.

Wouldn't have made any difference. She wanted to go screw that guy and she did. Now the OP is doing the right thing. He's divorcing her. So cut him some slack.
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It's easy. You DON'T tell her "well, okay honey, go find yourself...and some d!ck, and when you're through, maybe you can come back and work on us".

She comes up with that chit, you tell her "fine, pack your chit and get out now" or "when you get back, I'll be gone. And gone means permanently". And then DO IT.

Not much to it. Other than having some confidence, a refusal to allow someone else to walk all over you, and a pair of balls.

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post #86 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:46 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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It's easy. You DON'T tell her "well, okay honey, go find yourself...and some d!ck, and when you're through, maybe you can come back and work on us".

She comes up with that chit, you tell her "fine, pack your chit and get out now" or "when you get back, I'll be gone. And gone means permanently". And then DO IT.

Not much to it. Other than having some confidence, a refusal to allow someone else to walk all over you, and a pair of balls.
The biggest set of gonads and all the threats and bravado in the world won't stop a cheater once their wheels are in motion. Sorry my friend but your wrong.

But yes I agree with you on one point: he could have taken his daughter and left.
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post #87 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 08:55 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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As for any so-called sexual "alphas" being on this site who might be available to comment, I haven't encountered any yet. After all, the real alphas are too busy getting laid to post.
My wife and I just had sex about 30 min ago. OP, how may I be of service?
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post #88 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 09:19 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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This is very true but does it matter?
Yes it does matter. Their relationship started out with deception and treachery. Not exactly a solid foundation is it? We all know that affairs are fantasies. The feelings aren't real. So is it so surprising that this woman's feelings for the OP faded so quickly? Once reality entered into the relationship the fantasy was over. So this woman has attempted to cultivate a new fantasy with another man. Why is this hard to understand?

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post #89 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 09:22 PM
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Re: She's ruined me

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My wife and I just had sex about 30 min ago. OP, how may I be of service?
I'm a sigma. I can type while I have sex. That way I can "service" more than one at a time.

"You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or burp or fart!"
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post #90 of 158 (permalink) Old 06-15-2013, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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My wife and I just had sex about 30 min ago. OP, how may I be of service?
Lol. Good stuff brother. Now beat me upa bit if you will. I guess I need it. I'm not a chump, just very humbled right now.
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