thanks to kville3 and princesa. i think all day long i just read post after post looking for answers. i dont know what end is up kinda like cooper said last night i was feeling strong and resolved. tonight im sitting here listening to him watching tv and i cant even stand to hear him laugh because im thinking how can you find any happiness when our lives are in turmoil. but then again maybe he got some alone time with the ow today. CRAP!!!!!!! Posted via Mobile Device
Thinking about it does no good. Thinking of the other woman does no good at all. When I think of my soon to be ex wife with her little fling it makes me sick to my stomach, I want to throw up. It is bad for you and will acheive nothing but driving yourself insane. Confront him, kick his ass out, go to the lawyer keep the note as evidence. Sorry to be blunt and I know right now your trying to think of any possible way to resolve this without leaving, I did. But bottom line is, you will feel much better when you have someone who LOVES you, someone who does what your husband has done, has lost their love.
It sucks to be where your at right now, nothing can fix that. But a plan of action can help, my suggestions have been geared toward divorce because you said he isn't interested in talking and will just go along with whatever you decide. Really a cop out on his part, leaves all the dirty work and hard decisions up to you. But what do you want?? Could you forgive and try and save the marriage? Princeas's power of forgiveness blew me away, I could never do that but we are all different. I am happier without my ex, Princeas is happy she stayed and worked it out. You and your husband really need to sit down and figure out what to do, figure it out together. Living in limbo will eat you up.
There really isnt any point in us talking about it again. He said he doesnt want to be married . I guess you cant get any plainer than that. The thing is mainly with our oldest its his senior yr so he doesnt want to change anything. I feel bad to but if I dont change my thinking or something there is no way im gonna even make it through the holidays. its kind of like he doesnt love me but he just gets all emotional about missing the kids and all that. I dont even know what hes thinking I wouldnt be able to stand it . Im sure he wants things to stay the same. but once you say i dont want to be married and i dont want counseling how can they be the same. He says i dont blame you for any feelings your having but sometimes I just feel like im not being allowed to feel. no one at work knows no one at home knows his parents dont know. theres like one girl at church I told and then you guys on this website. Right now im just letting the situation take me where it will and your right theres a part of me that goes to bed and thinks in the morning hes gonna wake up and just say what was i thinking of course i luv u of course i cant bust up our lives. i am having to take 50 mg of benadryl everynight just so i will be asleep when he gets in bed so i wont become anxious and angry and try to argue with him again. Yes I can ask him to sleep on the couch but then the kids are gonna for sure know. im not saying anything new here im sure this is old news. im just waiting to grow a pair i guess. i guess until some of the hurt goes away and more of the anger comes i really feel stuck. Posted via Mobile Device
That's why you feel like you're not being allowed to feel--you're acting like nothing is going on to keep up appearances. You're putting up this enormous facade, and for what really? If he wants out, people are going to know eventually including the kids, so you shouldn't be the one to have to put up a front. Please don't take offense, but it's cowardly of him (in my opinion) to expect you to act like everything is fine. First he asks you to be the one to take initiative with the divorce, then you have to be quiet about the whole thing.
You're even forcing yourself not to talk to him at night and gain closure...but why? So he can sleep better at night? You're making this so easy on him, but it's hurting you. I'm not saying you should start an argument, but he owes it to you to talk. You don't have to try to convince him to stay, but get out all the things on your chest.
I know when I had a conversation with my husband about the other woman, my questions ranged from "why did you do it?" to "is she better than me in bed?". And he let me ask him anything (still does today), and he answered truthfully. Your husband owes you that much.
Right now you can't think with your emotions. You need to push your emotions aside and think rationally. I'm in the same boat as Cooper, I can't imagine being as forgiving as Princeas.
He is not going to change. You need to start making plans for your future. Even if he did wake up in the morning and pretend things were better, 5 or 10 years down the road you do not want to be going through this again.
Start looking at it like a business transaction. You need to look out for yourself and do what is best for you now. Emotions will not help this process.
You need to be strong for yourself, set an example for your kids, show them that what he is doing is wrong. Of course he wants things to stay the same, he doesn't want his kids to see him for the terrible things he has done. He is being a coward and forcing you to do all of the hard work to try and cover for the bad that he has done to your family.
silvernblack wont do any good to ask him about her. He says he isnt and hasnt. plus the note doesnt have his name on it just babycakes and at the end remember i luv u and am looking forward to our future together. i can hear it now he wont admit it he will prob say it was meant as joke or something Posted via Mobile Device
Don't tolerate the lies. You don't deserve it. If he can't be honest with you its not worth it... sure is easy on the outside looking in. A few weeks ago everyone told me my wife was cheating and I would NOT believe it.
Cooper and Kville3: you seem like strong people who don't tolerate lies and cheating, if u dont mind me asking, how many chances did you give to your ex and how long did it take before u sed enough is enough to get over them. Unfortuneately, it really is hard to think straight knowing that you are being cheated on. I know the feeling of being scared of the future, feeling alone, but it does help to get hobbies. In the end the only one you will listen to is your heart. THE GREAT FIGHT BETWEEN OUR MINDS AND OUR HEARTS LOL!!!!!!!! Man did i fight dat battle, my mind said "I HATE HIM, I WISH HIM BAD and i added da evil laugh MUUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA" wit da song WATS LOVE GOT TO DO WIT IT GOT TO DO WIT IT , my heart said "ITS NOT HIM, HE IS POSSESSED, HE IS IN THERE SOMEWHERE" wit da song AND IIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU
princesa i totally get what your saying but when youve been phyically ignored for quite a while and then you find out someone elses needs are being met while you have been practically begging forgiveness isnt first on your list. in fact today its dead last and im seriously thinking of getting a recording device Posted via Mobile Device
Noideato20: a recording device 4 what? I saw som of ur other post; u still live wit hubby? Dang, dat must be hard 2 be in da same place wit ur hubby givin sum1 else wats rightfully yours. Forgiveness can be hard when there is no repentance from da other person. However, you know that after 17 years, he still has a special connection 2 you and no other person cud ever take ur place. You are a BEAUTIFUL person and he WILL SEE DAT SOONER OR LATER... NO ONE GETS AWAY WIT DOING BAD!!!!!!!!!!! There is always JUSTICE, and then when his world comes crashing down, you know who he's gonna run to? YOU!!!!!!!!! Then its up to you to forgive or not. The question is, do you want to live without him, do you feel peace when you're not around him? You are right, forgiveness isn't first on da list and neither is reconciliation. Off the record, do you know what I found one day that got me upset, there was a website for TOW the other woman, are you kidding me.............. I know I know, we are not to bash those homewreckers LOL it does take two.
Princesa is on point! My husband cheated with a co-worker & they still get to work and eye one another 10 hours, 6 days a week. She actually spends more time with him than I do, so why should I tire myself and worry if they are still together or not - he never admitted to the truth anyway, right? Well... I took my hobby and focused on it when before my life had been ALL ABOUT MY MAN. Now my hobby is my full-time job & I love, love, love it! Now that he sees me moving forward AND making money, he's in my face grinning. Now it's me who ignores him & he's finally listening and hanging on it every word I say. Yes our marriage will probably end soon but for now I have '0' worries about my future without him. Lemons & lemonade flows freely in my dreams. I have encouraged myself to remain in OUR home while I work on getting my business going where I won't need to stress on his evil intent and cheating anymore. The last thing I'm interested in is who (if anyone) he's stepping out behind my back with. I know in my heart I could never trust him again. If he loved me he would have never let flirting go to the extreme of having sex - period, point blank.
Princesa I would like to answer your question. If my wife's affair had been a one time thing I may have been able to work past it. But her bad behavior covered many years, I wont say she was having affairs all those years but the lies and deceit was a constant in our marriage. In the end she took the first step and spoke to an attorney, a friend sent me a note telling me what she was up to and that gave me time to get some things in order to protect myself. At that point I will say we were both relieved to get it over with, sad but true.
Noideato20, Kville3 gave you a good piece of advice by suggesting you treat this like a business going foreward. That's exactly the approach I used when going through my divorce, as a matter of fact we spent our 20th. annv. by having dinner and working out the details of our divorce. I hate her guts but I didn't let that interfere with the reality of what needed to be done. Have you gone to that legal advice forum I suggested?
no cooper i did get some info on divorce in texas. a friend of mine told me it would be about eight hundred dollars even if we didnt have dissagreements. i will check out the other site tomm this seems like it will be harder than just going to the courthouse. also read it would be like sixty days after before final and texas doesnt recognise seperations. Posted via Mobile Device