I don't know how much true help I can be Noideato. The obvious thing you have to do now is just accept that the relationship has failed even though you have not failed in your contribution to the relationship. Pull youself together, move on, and forge a new happy life for yourself.
And believe me when I say that I know those are easy easy words to write, and the actual task of doing that seems all but impossible in the middle of the pain and rejection you feel right now.
The sad truth is that we can't force other people to love us. We can make ourselves as attractive as we can in the hopes of influencing the situation, but it's not 100%. The emotional state you feel now though - pain, anxiety, rejected, lonely, abandoned, abused, angry - is actually a repulsive (as in opposite of attractive) emotional state. Put another way, why would your husband (or anyone) want to snuggle back up to someone experiencing all those emotions?
I'm not saying that if you flip the switch and magically transform into a zen master with sex appeal, that your husband is going to suddenly wake up and drop the OW and come running back to you. He's making some of his own choices here, and like I said before, you can't force someone to love you, you can only make yourself as attractive as you can be and influence the situation.
Whether your husband comes back or not is now somewhat irrelevant to the choices you need to make for you. Take a stand for you. Start exercising, dress nice, a little make up, smile, file for divorce, alimony and child support and/or whatever your lawyer advises, get control of the joint money. When you're ready to date again, date again.
Again - all easier said than done.
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