I'm 30. He's 73. This may sound odd to some people, but he's an attractive, thin, older man. He is not at all repulsive to me.
I had grown tired of men my age, and this man has been treating me quite well. Dinners, gifts, and he'd like me to travel with him, as he is an international businessman.
He is married. He has been married for over 50 years to the same woman. He lives here in the states, she lives in London. (he is English)
We have technically been friends, although he has expressed an attraction to me. I must admit that I'm a bit attracted to him as well. His stories are fascinating, and I'm never bored when I am with him.
Recently, he has expressed an interest in taking our friendship to another level. He said that he has not been with his wife in over 30 years, that he married his best friend, but there is no love there. He said she'd be willing to turn her head, as long as nothing is flaunted. He wants to continue our friendship, but he'd like to add affection and romance to it- and he'd like it on a long term basis.
If I agree to this, would this make me a mistress? A girlfriend? I have never considered doing this. Do you think his wife would honestly be accepting of such a situation?
On one hand, I like the idea of being spoiled by someone, on the other hand, my moral side is screaming that it's wrong.
I hope I'm not coming off as offensive to anyone who has had a cheating husband, as that is not my intention.
Why did you post here? Did you want to get a rise out of people? You are offensive. What do you want people to say sure be the OW. Go find some place else. There are people going through pain here that doesn't need to here this B.S.!
A flame is a beautiful thing, is it not? All hot and glowing and gloriously colored from orange, to blue to bright white? It draws us in, makes us feel warm and cozy and we love it, yes?
BUT ... If you put your hand in the flame, you WILL get burned.
Please reconsider. You've already stated that "YOUR" morals are all screaming at you. Only you can decide if this will work for you. Evaluate who you are. What your "core" (cannot live without and what makes you, YOU) values and beliefs are. If, you think you can continue to look in the mirror and admire the person you will become if you take this step, then I'd say, you're good to go and no-one else's opinion matters. If, on the other hand, you will lose self-respect and feel disgust and revulsion for the person you will become, you have your answer. Whether his wife will look the other way or not doesn't enter into the equation here. This is about YOU.
Best of luck to you. I'm betting that because you are here asking, you are of the latter feelings and will NOT feel good about yourself if you go forward.
One more thought, ask yourself how much respect this man has for you to ask you to give of yourself without the commitment. He just wants what HE wants regardless of his wife's acceptance and feelings and yours as well.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and as I said, it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings. I haven't read through the threads in this forum, but there is always more than one side to every situation. I have never been with a married man, and I haven't decided if I will be with this one, however, the wife is a big mystery. I don't think the 'other woman' ever thinks about the wife as having feelings, and that's why I posted here.
There are no reasons to have an affair with a married man. So yes you have offended me. It does not exonerate you simply because you thought of her feelings. You ever thought that the husband would say sure this would kill my wife, she is deeply in love with me and yes this would be so painful. He's a liar and you are lying to yourself. There are plenty of available men in this world, try picking one of them.
There are no reasons to have an affair with a married man. So yes you have offended me. It does not exonerate you simply because you thought of her feelings. You ever thought that the husband would say sure this would kill my wife, she is deeply in love with me and yes this would be so painful. He's a liar and you are lying to yourself. There are plenty of available men in this world, try picking one of them.
Give her a break, she has some honest questions and is looking for honest answers. I don't think she is tyring to hurt or offend anyone.
That being said, move on. You don't need a married man, only pain will come of this.
Give her a break, she has some honest questions and is looking for honest answers. I don't think she is tyring to hurt or offend anyone.
That being said, move on. You don't need a married man, only pain will come of this.
I can understand AZ's point of view. She's hurting. I encourage AZ to actually hear this woman's question. PC is battling a demon that's bound to destroy her and needs help at this time.
You need to put yourself in the shoes of the wife and think how you would feel if that was your husband. I really don't think his wife said it would be okay. You need to walk away and prevent everyone from hurting in the end. Walking away will help him make the right decision.
Here are some thoughts from a therapist's perspective:
You have a number of considerations that you need to figure out how they sit with you:
1) Is it ok with you to be in a long term "affectionate and romantic" basis with someone who really isn't totally available? If so - I would wonder why you're ok with settling for less than all of another person. What if you fell in love with this man - and he wasn't willing to leave his wife for you? Then what?
2) It's hard to imagine his wife would truly be ok with this scenario so then if that's the case - are you ok with being in this position? As you can tell by some of the responses, this brings up a lot of anger for women who have experienced the flip side of your story.
3) I'm wondering about what's led you to being involved with someone so much older - and married - in the first place. That's a pretty big leap from dating single men around your age. I can't help but wondering if there's more going on with that than what you've stated (that you may not even be aware of).
4) Instincts can be a powerful tool. If you have a moral alarm sounding off in your head - this is something to be carefully considered - as it sounds like you're doing.
Thank you for your courage to bring forth a topic that was bound to elicit a hostile response - especially in the forum section dedicated to relationship recovery after an affair. Like "LostandConfused" said, I agree that you are hurting here and just trying to find your way.
My last advice for you would be to think very carefully about the implications for everyone involved before leaping into what could be a very complicated and hurtful mess.
I can only add that I agree with AZ that he is probably lying about his wife not caring. I know mine lied to another woman 1/2 his age to try to lure her in...some men will do that. Mine told her I didn't love or care for him, and that I wanted nothing to do with her when I came to visit him overseas.(she was a young student cleaning and doing errands for him while working away from home) The opposite was true on both counts...he told me she went home to visit parents when in fact she was in town and wanted to meet me to try to help with our marriage.
Sorry you got such a response but you struck a few sore nerves! I hope you make the right decision.
Thank you for all the responses. I appreciate every posters' point of view. I wanted to get all sides. As I mentioned previously, I don't think the 'other woman' usually does think of the wife as an actual woman with feelings, and that is something I can't help but think about.
Lisa, I have wondered about #3 myself. I am uncertain as to where or why my side of the attraction began. Because I don't wish to offend any of the hurting people in this forum, I am not going to go into all of the reasons why I feel a sort of bond with him, but the reasons are there.
I am still uncertain as to where I am willing to go with this situation, but reading what some of the posters have typed, has definitely made me re-evaluate the situation.
Everyone seems to have this well covered. You in part answered your own question--you are struggling with the moral issue. If it goes against your morals, don't do it. Next, if you really want want to pursue a relationship with this man, tell him that you will only do so after his divorce.
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Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers
On a smaller note, I did go out to dinner with him the other night. It was friendly. No matter what the outcome will be, I do like him as a person, and will continue the friendship aspect. I noticed that we received some very strange looks from people. It makes me wonder if people think it's a date or if they think I'm his daughter or even his granddaughter. This is the first time I have felt uncomfortable with the glances.
On a smaller note, I did go out to dinner with him the other night. It was friendly. No matter what the outcome will be, I do like him as a person, and will continue the friendship aspect. I noticed that we received some very strange looks from people. It makes me wonder if people think it's a date or if they think I'm his daughter or even his granddaughter. This is the first time I have felt uncomfortable with the glances.
There is no way you can continue on with a friendship when you have both already expressed your feelings for eachother its only a matter of time when it crosses that line. I think that you need to walk away out of respect for yourself. If you have that and sorry not to be mean but it sounds like you dont cause you feel that you have to take over someone elses life. And do you really think that you are the first women he has done this with! your a adult I am suprised you are acting like you are in high school. I have nothing against you your life is yours but obviously your not thinking!
I'm the Other Woman
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT 
