Given up

AZMOMOFTWO · 11-04-2009, 10:04 AM

It been 14 months and this morning I had another breakdown. It was triggered by kids refusing to go off to school, fighting with each other. My daughter has self-esteem issues which I blame on us as parents because we have been so wrapped up in our own problems that I think its not fair to me to keep doing this.

My husband has shown total remorse and is committed to fixing it. But I don't feel better. Today when my daughter said something nasty to me, I shouted back at her that maybe I should step aside, she would rather have *OW* a mother.

What kind of mother says that? I don't recognize me anymore. I immediately apologized and to our knowledge she doesn't know he had an affair but she's smart.

Maybe this simply cannot be fixed. I know he has not told me all that I need to know. I've begged and pleaded and he tells me that I know all of it now. BUT he swore that before and then I found out he was lying there was more. He didn't tell me, I found out. Then he admitted to it. throughout this whole ordeal the only things he admits to are those he knows that I know.
He's not told me anything that I haven't discovered for myself except that at one point he looked at an apartment in case I threw him out and the OW happened to show up but he was looking at a single's apartment yet they gave her a tour too. I said why would they do that unless you indicated to them you were a couple. I told him his whole story stunk and that I was not stupid. This was over a year ago, does it matter? To me YES!

I tried marriage counseling and it was helping but he said "we're good on our own we don't need it anymore" but I did...why didn't he see that? I have even said I think I still need someone and he said "if you think YOU do that is fine, go see someone".

So that makes me feel that he thinks I am the problem.

I am so sick and tired of hurting and thinking of her and all the destruction this has brought on. I don't even want to be married to him or anyone.

I am so lost and hurt and should be going to work and yet I am sitting here just crying and can't focus....

Mommybean · 11-04-2009, 12:32 PM

Hon, at this point I strongly encourage YOU to go see a counselor on your own. Not a marriage counseler, but someone specifically for you. I think you may be going thru a bout of situational depression, no doubt triggered by all of this, but please go talk to someone, not for HIM, but for you, and for your kids. No matter what direction you decide your marriage should go in, you need to get your head straight and figure out how to get past all of this. I honestly think this is too much for you to work thru on your own.

voivod · 11-04-2009, 02:21 PM

an incident unrelated to your marital issues. look at it. logically. i know thinks are inside your head now. they always will be, probably. maybe that's what counseling is for. but give up? NO.