This is long, but I need to explain the entire story; my husband and I been together for 21 years. 3 years into our relationship he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our first child. He ended up having a son with the women he was cheating with. So our sons are the same age. It took him 3 years to admit that it could possibly be his child. So I decided it was better for him to have a relationship with the child so I reach out to the other woman to have the child come around and get to know us. This arrangement work out okay for 14 years; we had the son from May – Oct and she had him from Nov – April each year. However, after the other woman got married we end up losing contact for over 1 year.
So after a year of no contact and the woman’s divorce, my husband started having contact with the mother of his son but I was left out of the picture; he didn’t inform me that he was in contact with the mother. I only found out because someone saw them at my husband parents house together (which he never told me about). So one day he left his phone sitting around and a text message came thru and I look at it and it was from the OW and it was code talk so I couldn’t really tell what they was talking about and most of the text message had emotion icon in them. I started to get very suspicious and started monitoring the cell phone bill, and notice that his text messages went from 120 a month to over 920 a month and his call log had tons of calls from her or to her. I question him about the calls and he said he was talking with his son, but the calls were made while the son was in school or 3:00/4:00 in the morning. The duration of the calls could range between 30 minutes to over 2 hours at a time. He eventually confessed to talking with her and trying to get her to drop child support. I really believe he was having an EA or possibly and PA with her again, but he swear that he wasn’t.
Then a month after that I look a his phone bill again and notice that he was having late night calls or calling while I am at work with another woman he use to date in high school. The calls dated back to over a year so I think the EA was going on for over a year but he said it was only a few months that he was talking to her and they was just catching up because they hadn’t talk in over 20 years. However, I called and talk with her and she said they were talking for over a year and the phone bill coincide with what she said; but he continues to deny the length of time.
When I confronted him on the phone calls he begin to blame me ofr cheating with a co-worker. This is not true; I have never been inappropriate with the co-worker, never talks with him on the phone or had any communication/contact with him outside of work. Our relationship was strictly professional. I have never cheated on my husband in any way.
Now it is a year later, and I am still mad, and feel like I have been played for a fool all these years. I am not putting any extra effort into trying to make the relationship work. I don’t like for him to touch me and sex is down to maybe once a week; less if I could help it. I don’t even want to be around him. Most of our communication ends up in an argument.
I seem to be holding on to the relationship for some reason and don’t understand why I haven’t left or ask him to leave. He wants to make it work; but I don’t know what I want is this normal. Any advice would be very helpful.
There is no way for you to work it out as long as he continues to be dishonest. You have the proof of at least a EA and he lied to you. If he wants to work it out then he needs to take responsibility and admit it. If not, there is no point in trying. He also sounds like a serial cheater and I have to say you are an amazingly understanding woman. He does not deserve you! To reach out to the OW like that for the sake of that child, you are truly a compassionate and forgiving person. So if I were in your shoes, I'd lay it out and say if you want any chance of us fixing this, you have to be completely honest. If thats not something you can or will do, then there's the door. You sound very strong, so hang in there!
I wish I was as confident. It is scary because I don't feel anything for him. Again I found calls on his phone in June with his son's mother, but it is the same story he was talking with his son but the son was in school; I don't think any parent in their right mind would spend that much time on the found with a child that should be in school. So my husband decided he don't want a phone anymore because I will not stay out of his phone and he is tired of me checking up on him; it is all my fault and he takes no accountability for the reasons I check his phone.
I am terrified to end the relationship because I don't want to be alone and I want my children to have both parents in the home. I am in my early 40s and the odds of spending the rest of my life by myself is high but I don't want to be miserable anymore either.
I know what you are going through. I am feeling the same way right now & have recently gone through a very similar situation. I am still love him very much & am having a hard time letting go. I have rationalized his inability to be honest & have given him the benefit of the doubt becuase I love him & dont' want to lose him or be alone.
But you don't want to hurt his feelings? What feelings, the ones he obviously doesn't have for you when he's making you feel insecure & insignifincant? He has created the "monster" of mistrust & now is blaming you, he's "passing the buck". Blame you for ruining everything because he is too much of a coward to stand up & be a real man. He has no respect for you or your children.
I'm sorry if i sound bitter but your story hits close & I feel for you & know what you are feeling. Stay strong.
Mad, Hurt, Confussed - what's next
