<<GUT FEELING>> intuition or paranoia??? listen or ignore???

raising5boyz · 11-08-2009, 10:42 AM

A lot of you here know the history...he cheated and left me completely blindsided and devastated. That was one year ago almost to the day. After months of absolutely no contact....he finally apologized and we began attempting to rebuild our relationship. But now I have this undeniable feeling that he will do it again. It is so undeniable that it is a fact in my mind that he will cheat again if I stay with him. Of course this means our marriage should be over. There is no way I can stay with a man who I am certain will cheat again. Is this feeling I have instinct or paranoia??? I am so certain of it....like other times in my life when I have had a gut feeling that has turned out to be 100% correct. Or by chance am I just losing my mind and crazy? All advise and/or questions are appreciated.

michzz · 11-08-2009, 12:21 PM

It's a difficult trap isn't it?

On the one hand, you love him and you want very much for it to work out as it could--you can really see it if he keeps his nose clean. On the other hand, you have legit concerns that he can do that--forever.

What has changes in the year? He apologized, but that's a bare minimum.

What proof is there that he has changed in any way from when he cheated?

mommy22 · 11-08-2009, 07:32 PM

Yeah, Michzz, it is tough!! Are there any signs you're seeing that are leading to these thoughts?

What if.... you share these thoughts with him and then see how he reacts to the thoughts you're having? Maybe this could calm your fears?

raising5boyz · 11-08-2009, 10:48 PM

I actually did confront him with this earlier today. At first he was defensive and then he said that it looked like I already made up my mind, and that he wants me to be happy and if I can never be happy with him and trust him then it should be over. He was sad. He cried. He told me he loved me and didn't want to loose me....said he would never cheat on me again....and then left for his parents house. I haven't heard from him since and that was this afternoon around 2:30. Maybe he is ok with this happening. Maybe he wants out to. I don't know. I hate this.

chuckf75 · 11-09-2009, 07:19 AM

One option is to consider you already have an investment in the marriage so it might be worth a try. You can monitor him for a period of time and make sure he is being faithful. Take the risk that there is no basis to your feelings.

raising5boyz · 11-09-2009, 01:13 PM

Yeah, there was a lot invested into this marriage, but most of it was annihilated last year when the affair happened. A lot of the respect I had for him as a man, husband, and father was lost when he cheated. This was not a onetime thing. He spent almost 3 months married to me and pursuing other woman for sex....mainly from online hook up sites and from woman offering "services" online. This was not an accidental emotional connection turned affair type of deal. He has his reasons....one of which was that he was facing criminal charges that I didn't know about, and he thought I would leave him over it....but that’s an excuse. A lame excuse....I am tired of excuses.

I think the bottom line is that with the affair on top of all the other issues there are with him....it's just not worth it. I could deal with his issues, or I could deal with the affair, but not all of it.

As far as changes he has made.....none that are visible. You have to understand that while he had this affair, he was a good husband and a good father for the most part, and I had no clue what was going on. SO here we are a year later and he is still a good father and a good husband for the most part. There is nothing I could tell back then....he was so good at lying and hiding it. I would know no different it if happened again now.

And to top it all off...the man that has told me hundreds of times in the last year that he would do anything for me and would fight for me to the end....is simply walking away now that I said I am not happy....no asking for counseling or another chance....no asking me to reconsider....he is just walking away.

defeated · 11-09-2009, 02:01 PM

well i dont know. i mean... he lost your trust. this is hard to get back when he hid all this so well. he needs to understand that it wont be easy for you to see that he is truthful when he is a good lier. he needs to understand that if he WAS willing to do anything for you, then he wouldnt just walk away or not reconsider. he would keep persisting. how can you trust him when he is lying to your face about that too. if he cant handle that he made you upset (more than upset) and is going to walk away, what proof is there that he even cares? what is really going on in his life? do you know? tell him if he wantes this to work out that bad, then he will make it up to you and show you that he cares. tell him he needs to be honest right now and tell the truth... is he different? does he still do that stuff? of course its hard to tell when he is such a great lier. i really hope he can change. im sorry