AZMOMOFTWO

I only told one person about my H's affair. I had not intended on doing so but she was saying how one of our friends should leave her husband because he was a jerk. I defended my friends, both husband and wife and said there are things you just don't know. Somehow that turned to us and she figured it out and she point blank said "he cheated on you didn't he?" ...so never intended to tell her but once I did I asked her not to tell anyone else. She walked away from me and immediately confronted my H. He handled it well and said he messed up and he was committed to fixing it and doing what it took.

After that my friendship changed with these people. We were on their softball team but I always felt odd and I felt like others were looking at me. Sure I was just being paranoid I just ignored it. We stopped getting invited to anything except really big parties, but smaller events we some how got left off the list. We even got kicked off the team! They never said anything but when season started up they never called. I know they are playing its same place I play vball on another night and they are on the schedule!

Finally last night I went to birthday party last night for another friend (who is related to the woman I told). Funny thing is I didn't want to go and H is out of town until today. I knew I should go for appearances and their kids came and got mine, so my kids were already there. I went as late as possible hoping most people would be gone (the late party goers would not know of this, the one that knew...and presumably those she told tended to leave early).

The party was good at first, I was even thinking I should not have been concerned about going. I should have left when it got late. I had already taken my oldest and her friend home (its 6 houses away) and my son slept on the couch. Quit while the going is good right?

Well Bday boy had too much to drink and he confronted me, as if he were ANGRY we had not told HIM! He said that he thought of us as his best friends (we were until tonight, I will not talk to him ever again) and we should have told him. I said "so you hear something and immediately wonder if its true". I then told him how I knew who said it and what she (who happens to be his sis in law) said about him. She wanted his wife to divorce him so you have to wonder about the person who said it. No doubt what I said was true, he knew what she was like. He did tell me he did not hear it directly from her (the only person I told) but from someone else then played the game of not telling me who.

He'd had way too much to drink and he's one of those who can not drink hard alcohol but he knows he can't and he did anyway and he started screaming at me. One of the guys jumped up and grabbed me away and told him to back off. He said he had no right to yell at me and he was upsetting me just stop right now. He then wanted to fight the guy protecting me. I would have left but he was blocking the door, where my son was. I started crying saying I just wanted to get my son and go home. One of the girls went in to go get him for me but then she must have realized she'd better not bring him out with this going on. I kept asking him to leave me alone and to move aside but he wouldn't.

Finally the girl who went to check on him came out and made up a story that my son was crying and he only wanted me. Everyone left said jeez step aside let her get to her kid. I calmed down wiped my face and walked in and picked up my baby (who was not upset at all, he was sleeping) and put him in the car (even though it was close I drove knowing I'd bring home at least one sleeping kid). The Bday boy kept saying "do you hate me?" I would not answer him.

WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? Don't worry you don't have to answer. I know booz and he's a jerk. His wife had gone to bed she would have stopped him. She's one of my closest friends but I have severed all ties with the two of them. I need friends to help me not to scream at me fo not telling them.

I called my H got im out of bed and screamed at him for causing all of this. He said he'd drive home now (he's working about 2 hours away) and I told him not to, I did not want to see him right then. although you'd think his butt would get out of bed early and get home its 11:30 and I have not seen nor heard from him. His plan was to come home this morning before all this S###.

Anyway, so there you have it. Betrayed by him, and by my closest friends. I'd had such a bad week and was really working on letting go. I was doing really well too, definately in a great mood when I arrived at the party. Oh, and ran right in to the OW just 2 days before, in fact just about knocked her over. I was in Subway and didn't see she came in. Ordere food for me and the kids, turned and nearly ran right in to her...its been a helluva week!

sunflower

I am so sorry I know what its like to have all your "friends" treat you this way. but you know what you really do fine out who all your friends are when things go bad and do you want ppl like that in your life? they arent worth it. I figure that I would rather be lonely then have crap for friends.

stillINshock

All of my close friends know. I have nothing to hide and I am not going to lie to 'protect' HIS reputation. Ironically the only people that DON"T know are my kids, my parents, his parents, and one of his sisters. As I see it, and probably because I lost a very noticable 25+ anxiety pounds that everyone commented, if I had to keep this secret I would die. Flat out die. No way. He is the different person. He needs to deal with that. I look like a jerk. He looks like Mr. Cool & Mr. A-hole at the same time. We look different. But do know what? We ARE different. AND as I see it, its a warning to my friends. If it could happen to "us" then take nothing for granted and trust your instincts, always. And perhaps... we should all be weary of anyone who seems "too" nice. There's a little Mr. Hyde in everyone. He who hides it most - probably has more then most burried inside.
Don't feel betrayed. Understand that your H also betrayed your friends' trust. That's HIS gift to them, not yours.
Consider yourself a role model - one to be looked up to. You are dealing with it. You are alive. And your H is repenting and working to make life better - and accepting his guilt.
You are a pillar - NOT a betrayer of friends. Understand that YOU are NOT the only one betrayed by your H's actions.

stillINshock

...In fact. Next time someone says something to you, just say...
"I know! Can you believe it? I'm still in shock. Still processing and dealing. Its like nothing I could ever imagine."

COFLgirl

AZMom, I think what your friend's H did was absolutely terrible!

What happened at the b-day party is NOT your husband's fault. Yes, he cheated on you but what happened last night had nothing to do with your husband's bad decisions.

It's no one's business but yours and your husband's what happened in your marriage.

Why are you so mad at your husband? I get that he cheated on you and trust me, I understand your anger...but this wasn't his fault. He was willing to come home to help you, defend you or whatever, and you still get mad at him?

Your friend's husband (and his wife for that matter) are complete jerks. It is simply none of their business what happened in your marriage...I can't believe that your friends would be upset that you didn't tell them about your husband cheating?

These friends do not deserve to be in your life...dump them. Permanently. And please apologize to your husband...whatever his failings were, he wasn't responsible for your jerk 'friend.'

COFLgirl

And AZMom should dump these friends...this was not her husband's fault and certainly not hers that these 'friends' turned into jerks.

Real friends would have supported AZMom even if they felt betrayed by AZMom's husband's behavior. It's utterly selfish of these friends to project their feelings of betrayal onto AZMom.

My friends supported me and MY HUSBAND after he confessed. They were my rock--whatever feelings they had about his betrayal they kept hidden from us-and tried to support both of us. I/we had enough to deal with without the interference of friends' feelings about the betrayal.

Gomez

AZMOM,

I can't imagine what that felt like, but I do know that not telling people and not having anyone to talk to about it is tough, cause I havn't told anyone who knows me. I told a half truth to my closest sister that my wife had an EA while I was gaming heavy and thats why I have stopped. Noone but my wife really knows how far it went, I dont think I have really got the whole story. It kills me sometimes when people say what a wonderful family we have because I think "If you only knew what we have been through".

I couldn't tell my family, of my grandmas eight grandkids only me and one other cousin are still married. My cousin and his wife have a very rocky relationship too, my aunt and grandma are always complaining about her. I just feel like to air this would forever throw drama between us and our extended family.

My wife told her mother before she told me, and her mom kept her secret even while she was living with us, and once I found out I felt betrayed by her too. Noone clued me in, that left me feeling like I had noone who would be honest with me when the chips are really down. This forum is the only place I found I can be honest about it. After five years of marriage and three kids and a gaming addiction I lost touch with all my friends from befor I got married.

AZMOM I understand your anger at your husband, he is the one that turned the thing you were most proud of, that you had made together, your relationship, into something that is embarassing to you.

I would feel ashamed if people around me knew, not because of what she had done, but that I let her get away with it, that I still treat her like a queen. That is the part that causes the anger, knowing you have been wronged, knowing what the response should be, but pardoning the person anyway.

It must be like what abuse feels like, its ok to admit it when its over and you are seeking justice, but if you are STILL with the person that abused you you dont feel like you have the right to admit it unless you are going to do something about it.

foolz1

AZMOMOFTWO, I am sorry to learn this, as I know how hard you are trying to make your marriage work. The backlash against you was simply uncalled for. I would not consider these people friends, as friends should always be supportive, and not so presumptious as to insert themselves into your marriage. It is NONE of their business.

__________________
Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving: it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe. — Thomas Paine (1737-1809), American revolutionary, political philosopher & writer.

AZMOMOFTWO

I should probably explain a little more. My H is an avoider and he often leaves me to mop up. He should have dealt with this "friend" (bday boy) before. He drinks too much and when he does he gets kind of mean and he gets too friendly with me. I have said something to him several times and out an out told him to stop touching me but he laughs it off says its a joke. He won't do it in front of my H, but I have told him H every time and he has yet to say anything. The wife of this guy is my very good friend and lost her job, she's quite depressed so I never told her. I do avoid being alone with him especially when he is drinking. At the party that didn't stop him, there wer 2 other guys and 1 girl when he acted this way.

I was angry too because it took 8 months after D-day for him to tell me everything. He left out some major things such as he told the OW "I love you" (after flat denying it before), looking at a couple of places to live, and initially he told me it was a short lived thing only happened twice, turns out affair was nearly a year long not two times. I also now suspect its not the first time. In all of this the other night he finally admitted to taking a condom with him one night a few years ago but can't remember why and insists he never used it. Something he denied for a long time.

AZMOMOFTWO

Thank you everyone for your support. Gomez hit the nail on the head. I also was not thinking straight Saturday night, I was so upset that I was attacked for what H did (gee, aren't I the victim??) that it never occurred to me what this guy was doing. I did have a long talk with H after this and he knows I was completely betrayed and agrees with all of you, these are not our friends. We will no longer be seeing any of them.

But my H pointed something out to me. I told him everything about that night, something I didn't tell you in original post because I was more focused on being attacked than anything else. BDay boy said to me several times "IF I ever cheated on my wife, it would be with you!" (as if he has that choice, what the heck I have nothing to say about that???) and he said "you are someone who makes me want to cheat". He was pretty drunk and has said crap to me before (nice "best friend" to my H huh?) but H focused on that, he siad he was angling. That by getting me upset and angry at him (my H) the guy hoped I'd retaliate and since I'd had a few drinks and was angry it might be his opportunity.

I had not thought of that until later. But I think he is right. Although the guy's plan failed, I'm not THAT angry. I'm not one to get back at my H, ever. That to me is just not an option and after having had this done to me there is no way I would ever put anyone through this. There were witnesses to this, I hope one of them tells his wife. It won't be me though, I have to focus on my own life and fix it.

The problem with all this gossip is, these people are not discreet and their kids may overhear and throw it in my kids' faces. Kids are mean too and I just hope and pray that does not happen.

I have now twice been attacked in public by people over my H's affair, ironically no one says anything to him. Which makes me think people really suck. I guess they think I wasn't doing something right so its all my fault. I don't need people like that in my life!

I have never told anyone except that one person and you folks here on the forum. My so-called friend who I told, betrayed me. I did contact her on Sunday and she lied. She said it must have been someone else I told. I told no one else. Also the Bday boy told me who she was telling everyone. So I told her that she was the only person I told. Then she said my H told people then. Are you kidding, he wants no one to know! So I told her she was full of it.

Its been hard keeping the secret. Sometimes I look like a complete B%$^& because people do not know what he did and just see some of my bad days. The anger comes from him allowing people to think that way about me when its HIS reputation I am protecting. But, in the end, I guess I only care about those who are loyal and do not treat me this way. Its really hard having absolutely no one to talk to. This forum has truly saved me, I would have left by now if I didn't have this outlet.