Here’s the story...I’m sorry it’s long, but there’s a lot to consider leading up to my wife’s infidelity. My wife and I have been married for five years, I’m 28 and she’s 24. We met in the Navy. Shortly after we married, she went on a six month deployment. It was extremely difficult for the both of us, for a myriad of reasons that I contributed to her immaturity as a 19/20 year old. One thing that was extremely hurtful throughout her absence was the frequent mentioning of a guy named Matt who according to her was a guy she became very close friends with, who had a girlfriend, and who she shared mutual respect with regarding one another’s relationships. I always doubted what happened during that deployment (based on the emails, and a picture I saw of the two of them way too close) and it took quite some time to feel like I could trust her again.
Fast-forward four years later; my wife and I have been out of the Navy for almost two years. We both have successful careers; hers requires that she travel five to seven times per year for a week at a time. I would describe our marriage as amazingly beautiful. We have our little spats here and there, ups and downs, etc. but nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary and/or unhealthy. We love each other and it’s apparent. For instance, the alarm goes off every morning…I hit snooze until she crawls back in bed and cuddles me awake. We rough house in the shower (not entirely safe, but fun), she laps her leg over mine every night when we lay down for bed (comforting). We’re open with one another, we’ve built up a huge amount of money in savings (looking forward to buying our first home after we finish our Master’s degrees), my parents love her to death, etc. We’ve had an amazingly fun and successful year. I will say that since she started her job after leaving the Navy, she works with a very young and immature crowd. They’re all single and go to happy hour roughly three to four times a week. For a long, painful 8 months or so, my wife often joined them after work and on more occasions than I can count on two hands, came home obliterated…often driving home. We had a lot of talks and arguments regarding her drinking. What hurt the most was that she knew how important it was to me, but it didn’t stop. It felt like drinking excessively with her friends was always more important than my feelings and I feel like I tried everything in the book to help her stop. As the drinking incidents carried on, I noticed that she would often displace accountability or somehow justify it by saying that she hasn’t been 100% happy. But our marriage proved otherwise…I had no indication that something was wrong. Again, occasional spats, but nothing out of the ordinary. What I saw in her while she was coming up with excuses, is what I saw in myself growing up explaining to my parents why I had alcohol on my breath, why I missed curfew, etc. And I resented them for catching me, I resented them for questioning me, but looking back on it now…I’m glad they did, because it was out of unconditional love, and I now appreciate it. I caught her in several lies during this time, “I went out because it was so and so’s birthday”, when in reality it was not. “I didn’t have a drink during lunch and then go back to work”, which I would find out was in fact untrue after she tripped up on her story.
Last week, my wife was on a business trip in Rhode Island. Throughout the business trip, I had a very tough time getting a hold of her…she’s bad about leaving her phone on silent, but rarely leaves it behind. She explained that she left her phone in the car, had the phone on silent, phone ran out of battery, etc. but for some reason, I had this horrible feeling that something was up. I never do this, but since I had this horrible feeling, I checked our phone usage details and discovered that she had been receiving and sending a ton of text messages from and to a certain phone number and had even had 40 – 55 minute conversations with this person. When she got home last night, I checked her phone while she was in the shower. I found a text message from a guy named Matt, who I would later find out was Navy Matt, that said something to the effect of “why are you in bed naked without me, I’ll be up in a bit.”
I confronted her about it, and she admitted to cheating on me. I guess this guy had friends in Rhode Island (he lives in Texas) and flew up to see them/her, while staying in the same hotel as she. I also found out that they’ve kept in touch ever since she left the Navy and that they had been communicating more frequently since this past August, though this is apparently the first time they’ve seen each other since the Navy. It took sorting through a good share of lies to get to that, and I’m still not confident that she’s told me everything. Again, after being caught screwing up, she reverted to the “I haven’t been 100% happy line”, which again, is beyond me because it contradicts what I’ve perceived without a doubt to be a very happy marriage.
I don’t know what to do. I asked that we talk to her mom about it, and we did. She spoke with her first, and then I did. I asked that she email this guy explaining that she had made a horrible mistake and that they were to never talk again. I asked that I see this email before she sends it, she agreed and will write/send it tonight. She says that she loves me more than she loves herself, and was very upset last night. I was in shock, couldn’t feel anything and couldn’t fall asleep last night. I cried hard this morning, in bed and on the way to work. I love my wife so much that it hurts, I always have, and feel like I always will. But no words can describe how hurt, embarrassed, angry, insufficient I feel right now. We talked for a while last night and decided that we’re going to try to work it out and to avoid embarrassment/shame/harsh judgment, also decided not to tell my parents (who live close by and again, love her to death). Honestly more than anything, I feel like I need the comfort of my parents right now as I kinda don’t know who to go to and don’t feel that I’m ready to share my feelings with my wife yet. I also think that my wife confronting my parents about it, might heighten remorse on her end, add transparency to the situation, and perhaps better enable our ability to work through this. Will need your thoughts on this. We decided to attend marriage counseling. I’m apprehensive because I don’t want the therapist to fall for this “he doesn’t help with laundry and that’s why I’m unhappy” bull****. Furthermore, I don’t want to pay for that type of catering, but saving our marriage is worth it…I just don’t know what to expect. I think tonight, as painful as it might be, I’ll ask that she be brutally honest with me and explain everything. For some reason, she’s made a habit out of lying to me which is hurtful in itself, and I think the first step towards making things work would be to lay it all out on the table, start anew, no more lies. Guys/girls, when we held each other last night, she didn’t feel like the same girl I’ve been married to for the last five years. I told her before that I would always know what her skin feels like, but last night I did not. I looked at her this morning as she rolled over and watched me briefly as I got dressed for work…I cried, because the pain and heartbreak are just too much right now. She called me this morning before leaving for work to ask if I was okay, and then just now called from work…but I didn’t answer. I will never forget, but hope to some day trust and forgive her and along the way, would appreciate any words of encouragement and/or advice that you might have to offer. How should we move forward? Is it wrong for me to ask for total transparency with respect to her phone and email? God, it hurts.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this situation. It will be a long and rocky road. In my opinion, as for telling your family, I would advise you against it, at least for now, that is, if you intend to remain married to her. By telling your parents, you run the risk of them totally disliking her. Parents most often take their own children's side, (which is a normal) and it would likely be very uncomfortable for your wife when you visit them or they visit you, should they become angry and disappointed with her.
A friend of mine told her family when her husband cheated and now several members of her family will not speak to her husband, even five years later.
__________________ Infidelity does not consist in believing or in disbelieving: it consists in professing to believe what one does not believe. — Thomas Paine (1737-1809), American revolutionary, political philosopher & writer.
Thank you, as much as I want to tell my family, I won't...and it's a secret I'll carry around with me for the rest of my life, but I'm willing to bear that pain. I had to leave work, because I can't keep myself composed. I'm writing a letter to her right now, and it just sucks. Does anyone else have any helpful advice?
I'm sorry for what you're going through. My first husband cheated on me, and sometimes it's not something that you can get over. I'm like you, I would def. want to know everything! As bad as it is to hear, sometimes the thoughts you make up in you're mind about it are actually worse that what really happen, does that make sense? This is going to be incredibly hard for you to deal with alone, I suggest you find someone you can trust to talk about it.
Thank you, as much as I want to tell my family, I won't...and it's a secret I'll carry around with me for the rest of my life, but I'm willing to bear that pain. I had to leave work, because I can't keep myself composed. I'm writing a letter to her right now, and it just sucks. Does anyone else have any helpful advice?
That sucks, I'm sorry and am going through something very similar with my own wife. I've been borderline useless at work the past couple weeks, luckily I'm very close with my direct boss and he knows why. I've founding that writing is helpful, even if you don't give her the final letter it helps organize your thoughts and cope. Here's to hoping there's an end to the madness!
No point making her tell your parents. That's just drama for no benefit. You can certain talk to your parents though.
Um... this entire Rhode Island thing was planned well in advance. Just unbelievably bad. There's really no "I didn't mean it to happen" excuse at all for this. Of course she did.
I know you're hurting and reeling from the whole thing and your first emotion is to try and fix it and make it all better. But... jeepers... I just don't know on this one. The constant lying and drinking issues worry me.
Sadly, many people here understand and are familiar with the pain of what you are going through.
You will get an array of advice.
Here are some things I would ask you to keep in mind:
- feel what you feel. Cry. Scream. Punch something (not your spouse). If you aren't currently, I strongly recommend going to a gym. Exercise is therapeutic in every sense of the word.
- Keep a healthy perspective about her remorse. My wife wept and apologized as well. My perspective? She wasn't crying because she was truly remorseful, she was overwhelmed because she got caught and the fallout it caused. Had she not, she simply would have continued to look me in the eye and lie with a smile and words about trust and reassurance. It's insidious. She will almost certainly continue to lie to you about details, extent of the physical relationship, and emotional investment. Somehow they continue to believe that lying is simply a form of damage control - all the while they are doing more damage.
- She chose to betray you. Whatever your responsibility for the deterioration of the marriage - there are hundreds of choices that don't involve having sex with someone else. It didn't just "happen", and it wasn't "just once ..." should she choose to use that rationale, she is abdicating her responsibility. Having an affair takes calculation, planning, and utterly abusing the trust and faith that the other spouse puts in the cheater.
- Focus on what it is that YOU need. Take care of yourself. Do not ruminate endlessly about her and what she wants or needs. Quite simply, it is the wrong choice under the circumstances. By focussing upon yourself, you are ultimately better equipped to heal the marriage, or if need be, to dissolve it.
The meeting up with Matt was purely by choice. It was not as if they met, it happened, and before she knew it she was cheating. She had to travel to another state and then meet up with him. There was plenty of time to feel shame, regret of even possibly doing it, and just overall changing her mind.
It is possible to move past this though. It all depends on your relationship strength and the core values you hold within yourself. Some people are not able to accept and deal with infidelity and some others are able to move past and work towards rebuilding. I am one of those who worked past it. For me it was not about forgetting, however, but accepting with remembrance. We would all like to think if we move on that our spouses won't do it again but we cannot control them so it is best remember instead of put it behind the curtain. Eventually as time moves on though it won't hurt as much and it will feel like a pin prick instead of an all out electric shock.
Deejo has very very good advice and even as much as you love you need to remember that SHE hurt YOU. In a sense, you owe her nothing and she owes you everything.
If you feel like you need, go talk to a marriage counselor.
Update. I used a computer spyware to see if my wife would email this guy for whatever reason. Turns out she did, and had a secret email account dedicated to him. In my previous email I explained that she met this guy on her ship (we were both Navy). We married and a month and a half later she left for a six month deployment. I discovered through reading the aforementioned emails that my wife was having a physical affair with this guy during that whole deployment...even in secure spaces on the ship (doors locked). The idea that our marriage hasn't been 100% in the last year or so is out the window. She chose to go outside our marriage a month and a half after we got married. She's kept in contact with this guy for the last four years through email. Rhode Island was not the first, in addition to her time with him on deployment, she met him on her business trip (Seattle, Septemberish) prior to the most recent Rhode Island trip in November. Even after I told her that our marriage depended on her telling me everything (and after I knew about this email account), she still lied to me saying that Rhode Island was the first and only time. Said that she and Matt always had a mutual respect for each other's relationships (he had a longtime girlfriend when they met on the ship). So the cat was out of the bag, but for whatever f'ed up reason I still was willing to work through it. That Friday she took the day off, went out with her friends, got wasted and drove home completely ruining our plans to make dinner together. She also called Matt that evening (I found that out when I checked her phone a few days later). I left and stayed at my parents house, came back Sunday after we again decided to work things out. The following evening, I discovered she was using another email address to talk to him. The emails that I discovered that night held no indication that they had decided to stop talking. I told her I wanted a divorce. She left and stayed with a friend and his wife while I did what I could to get the process going. We talked a lot over the next few days. She was visibly broken with the idea of us getting a divorce. I thought that she showed more remorse over the idea of ending the familiarity of marriage than she did for cheating on me. Nevertheless, we made the decision to go to marriage counseling. She moved back in last night, but I'm really struggling with my feelings. I always felt so confident, so in control of every aspect of my life...and now I feel very weak, very vulnerable, very distracted. I'm very unhappy that everything I had going for me before feels stripped. She says she threw away his numbers, has given me complete access to her phone/records, emails, etc. But I know that she's called him from work and I'm sure she can and will find a way to talk to him again if she wants. I'm a huge mess people. I feel better when she's around, we actually have a great time...but it's times like these where I'm scared as **** that she's still talking to him and I just don't know about it. Help needed...lots of it.
I can guarantee she is still talking to him. she has been carrying on her affair for 4 years. They had more sex together your first year of marriage then you two did. The reason you feel so very bad is not only her cheating. Its your self esteem. She's cuckolded you for your whole marriage. How do you expect her to respect you when you don't respect yourself?
I was not aware of the affair until a few weeks ago. I'm highly confident, but right now...not so much. She's been very caring and cognizant of how I'm feeling recently. I think she's committed, I'm just having a hard time coping. It's only been a few weeks, I guess that's to be expected.
Michzz, that's a question I've struggled with in a big way. The funny thing is is that, I would never have guessed. There relationship after the navy four years ago has been a random "hey how's it going". It was not until recently that they began talking more frequently. The drinking/driving, lying, complete lack or respect for me at times makes sense...my feelings have not been in her best interest leading up to d-day. Hoping for a change...she's a sweet girl, the people that know her well are in complete disbelief...almost as if she's been living a double life. But she can make the decision to halt the communication. She's told me that this guy is no good for her and that she could never see herself with him. Smokes pot, snowboards, and plays guitar for a living...pretty lame guy, not much going on for him. Said she's actually mad at him. Though she understands she was the other half of the party, she stated that he never gave a **** about her/our marriage and was cowardly when **** hit the fan. My main issue right now is coping. I was stupid for giving away my spyware secret a week ago, but at the time I was confident that I was going to divorce her and never look back. Fudge...
My wife played that susie creamcheese game with me too.
It's an act to cover that she was banging some jerk who was far from a good man as possible.
But you know what? For some strange reason they think it is ok to go off and defile their marriage vows because they fool themselves that if they keep it a secret it is the same as not doing it.
Discovered My Wife's Infidelity Last Night 
