manchild

First off yes, by 'partner' I mean her female partner

she and I were married three weeks ago and last night we were having a discussion about meeting some of her friends when we visit Australia where she's from (we live in the states)

anyway she was in a lesbian relationship for about a year but she's not a true lesbian and she just never felt fully 'right' about it, she was in a vulnerable place at the time and her friend became her partner as she helped my wife get through some difficult medical reconstrction she'd been having at the time

anyway last night she was telling me about meeting her friends and in an off hand statment she confessed that she'd cheated on her lesbian lover with a man

she told me that she'd been having second thoughts about her lesbian relationship and she'd found herself at a place in her relastionship where she was cornered, knowing that it wasn't right

my first reaction when she told me she'd cheated on her girlfriend was "don't tell me this" I mean honestly I don't want to hear that the love of my life had cheated

it doesn't matter that she was with another woman, all that matters is that she had sought intimacy outside of her present relationship

well she got quiet....... as you can imagine my pronouncement got her to realize the magnitude of what she'd just confessed to

I tried to explain to her that I said this to her because I needed to know that I could trust her

well you can picture in your mind the melt down that just occurred following that

here's the thing....... she got mad at me!

what did I do?

I think she got mad at herself for divulging such a compromising news item about her past

her point is that she had at a certain point decided that she had to do something to get out of the relationship that she was in that wasn't working for her

by sleeping with the guy outside of the relationship it served to 'burn the bridge' such that she couldn't really go back

okay I get that, I understand that

I believe in our love, I believe in her fidelity to me, I believe that we have a relationship that is based upon love and that her needs for love and intimacy are met

i.e. all things being said she has no reason to stray

so I am okay with it

what worries me is that the meltdown she had last night, the shrieking the crying

she was really messed up

I don't want this to be a 'she screwed up moment' such that she feels as though I scored some point and she lost

she told me today that my comments to her "that I needed to know that I could trust her" made her feel like a "c-you-next-Tuesday and a begins with W, rhymes with store"

I never said those words , I told her "I cannot affect the way this discussion makes you feel.... all I can do is tell you how I feel"

I need for us to get past this, I want for us to stand on the same level, I don't want to be in a relationship where there is one winner and one loser, I want for us to be balanced as best we can, if she percieves that I 'won' or she is having to explain her transgression and that puts her at a disadvantage then this could create an adversarial relationship between us

any comments?

dobo

Did you tell her that?

manchild

I tell her this all the time, I am a man, so I want to be in charge of the bedroom but in just about everything else I want a partner some to live in parity, to walk beside me not in front nor behind

dobo

She needs to hear it again, in particular concerning this situation.

My husband cheated on his ex- and it took a while for me to forgive him for it. I know he didn't cheat on me, but it sort of felt as though he did. All cheaters have "reasons" but none of them are really good enough. So then you have to figure out if a person who did this to someone else would do the same to you under similar circumstances. However right the relationship is now, it might not be at a later date. So you have to discuss coping strategies that do NOT involve cheating.

Also, cheating as a conduit to leaving a relationship is a passive-aggressive behavior. So discuss the behavior.

You can do those things in an attempt to prevent the past from recreating itself.

I don't think it has anything to do with score-keeping. I think it has to do with positive and honest communication and relationship maintenance.

manchild

thank you for the perspectives, I agree that cheating as a conduit to leaving a relationship is passive aggressive, and you are right in discussing the behavior is like releasing the steam on the situation because when you discuss the behavior you don't directly implicate the person, just the behavior, definately the face saving solution I need right now

maintenance.........indeed!

seeking sanity

There's the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" which I don't believe. However, "Once a cheater, always a cheater (unless that person seeks out to really understand why they do what they do thru counselling)" is probably more accurate.

The fact is you are going to have times of crisis in your marriage, there are going to moments she hates you and wants out. If she deals with things thru impulsive outward behaviors, like cheating, it could be trouble years from now.

You may want to explore this in counselling now, or risk suffering through a painful bout of infidelity later.

manchild

the thing is I cannot now say that phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" in front of her, in fact I must now wear kid gloves regarding this matter or she'll think i am referring to her at those times.

we are talking and I do believe in counseling

dobo

You should be able to say the phrase -- it is common -- and discuss the myriad of issues surrounding infidelity.

My husband answered all of my questions several times. Again, he didn't do it to me, but for it would have been impossible for me to get past it if he were not totally open about what he had done. He was ashamed of himself and he took the time to examine what he had done and to share it with me. He didn't have to tell me just as your wife didn't have to tell you. So that took courage (but it didn't slip out for him as it did with your wife). I made a comment and he disclosed.

I bet the farm on the phrase not being true.

cody5

[QUOTE=manchild;101531]

here's the thing....... she got mad at me!

QUOTE]

The newbies are cute, arent they?

Sorry man, I know you're hurting. That's part of the cycle. They ALL get mad at the spouse at some point in the process. Yours seems to be early, but the cycle is not set in stone for all cases.