(sorry for the title guys, I know there are women out there who would do this same thing!)
Recovery from an affair is a roller coaster ride. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had since discovering 14 months ago. No real reason, just happens. I'm trying ot figure out a strategy for managing those dips in recovering.
Seems like when I am on an upward swing that I can look at everything rationally and even think that I am able to let go then wham! out of no where, here comes the dip.
I am not sure if this is normal, I know it is for a time but after 14 months with no indication it will ever happen again and my H keeping most of his promises to me (I saw most because total disclosure was one and he told some pretty big lies when it came to light about his affair to minimize it, and he did have contact with her for a few days after...).
Trust is a huge issue for me but unfortunately it now extends to everyone. I guess this is normal, my entire foundation was rocked with this but then I found there are the scum of the earth who will try to take advantage of a situation.
Long story short, I have been all alone in this for 14 months. I never told anyone except one person during a weak moment and she caught me off guard and due to a reaction I had about someone else put 2+2 together so I admitted it. Didn't want to talk about it, asked her never to speak of it again. She promised but no sooner were the words out of her mouth that she made a beeline for my H and told him off! He handled it fine. He also pulled her to a corner quickly and talked very quietly. I was there no one else overheard. Well she told our entire group of friends. As a result, I've broken off contact with all of them.
Sounds harsh? No... not exactly. I thought they were all talking behind my back you know you walk up they shush right away and some actually avoided me all together (many of these women were friends since age 4, I am an "outsider" having been int he group only 2 years)...the men got really friendly with me. One in particularly who claims to be my H's best friend. A few times he got a little too friendly with his hands and when I said something he made light of it.
Saturday night was his bday party. Everyone had something to drink and he was quite sloshed. His wife (my very good friend) went to bed and about 6 of us were left. My son was inside asleep. Out of the blue he tells me he heard that my H had an affair with the babysitter and how dare we not tell him! He then made a full out pass at me and I told him to leave me alone. He then said if he ever cheated with his wife it would be with me (yuck! I don't think so!) and kept on about how he is supposed to be our friend and we didn't tell him and it was clear that all of them were talking about it just like I suspected. One of the other guys had to interfere to make him let me go but he got in that guy's face, it pretty much took two of them to help. I couldn't just leave, I needed to get my baby. Finally another friend intervened said my son was crying and needed me (which he wasn't) but the guy still didn't let up and kept trying to kiss me to tell me he was sorry.
It was a pretty scary situation. At first I was mostly upset about him dragging the affair out in to the open then I realized how inappropriate he was, and I just got madder and madder. Anyway, told H (he could not make it to the party due to work) and right away he said that he thought he had an opportunity. He tried to make me mad and brought up the affair, and thought that he could use that to get me to sleep with him.
Sounds like I really don't know how to pick friends huh? Well H picked them, I became friends with his friends. Needless to say I never want to talk to any of them. You might wonder about his wife, my friend. Well I'm sure she heard in detail what happened as the other girl who helped me is also close with her. I also learned she was one of the main ones gossiping about the affair.
H is pretty irate, says he thinks he can get away with it because he didn't think I would tell him (my H). He wants to go "talk" to him, but I just think this is getting out of hand. I asked him not to, and that I just want to never see them again. He agrees that we will never be friends with them again but wants to still do it..
If only he could see ALL this damage his actions caused. I don't blame Sat night on him. I was angry at first at H because I felt he should have been there to protect me but now I realize I'm a big girl
so this guy did stop by my house today (I work from home office) and I didn't think it would be good to be alone with him so would not answer the door. He texted me and at first I ignored then told him yes I was mad at him, he crossed the line in more ways than one and I wanted to leave me alone. I got 3 angry texts in reply, then a final apology "sorry I was drunk".
Rotten end to a rotten week (also ran in to OW just to top off all the "fun"). But I am happy to say that I feel the rollercoaster car climbing again. I realized that when I was in charge of deciding what I would do about the wrong that was done to me, I felt free and strong. Don't get me wrong, I would say I am a very strong person but with a huuuugge flaw! I don't like to hurt people's feelings and will do what is right for others. I never wanted to go to that party Sat night, I went cause it was his Bday and I didn't want him to be upset. I knew people there had been talking crap about us. But I gutted it out anyway and it came with a price. So now I will put me and my kids first, and if that makes others mad so be it. I should never have been at that party.
This is gonna be a better week! Thank you guys, you all give me the support I do not have elsewhere.