Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-09-2009, 11:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

(sorry for the title guys, I know there are women out there who would do this same thing!)

Recovery from an affair is a roller coaster ride. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had since discovering 14 months ago. No real reason, just happens. I'm trying ot figure out a strategy for managing those dips in recovering.

Seems like when I am on an upward swing that I can look at everything rationally and even think that I am able to let go then wham! out of no where, here comes the dip.

I am not sure if this is normal, I know it is for a time but after 14 months with no indication it will ever happen again and my H keeping most of his promises to me (I saw most because total disclosure was one and he told some pretty big lies when it came to light about his affair to minimize it, and he did have contact with her for a few days after...).

Trust is a huge issue for me but unfortunately it now extends to everyone. I guess this is normal, my entire foundation was rocked with this but then I found there are the scum of the earth who will try to take advantage of a situation.

Long story short, I have been all alone in this for 14 months. I never told anyone except one person during a weak moment and she caught me off guard and due to a reaction I had about someone else put 2+2 together so I admitted it. Didn't want to talk about it, asked her never to speak of it again. She promised but no sooner were the words out of her mouth that she made a beeline for my H and told him off! He handled it fine. He also pulled her to a corner quickly and talked very quietly. I was there no one else overheard. Well she told our entire group of friends. As a result, I've broken off contact with all of them.

Sounds harsh? No... not exactly. I thought they were all talking behind my back you know you walk up they shush right away and some actually avoided me all together (many of these women were friends since age 4, I am an "outsider" having been int he group only 2 years)...the men got really friendly with me. One in particularly who claims to be my H's best friend. A few times he got a little too friendly with his hands and when I said something he made light of it.

Saturday night was his bday party. Everyone had something to drink and he was quite sloshed. His wife (my very good friend) went to bed and about 6 of us were left. My son was inside asleep. Out of the blue he tells me he heard that my H had an affair with the babysitter and how dare we not tell him! He then made a full out pass at me and I told him to leave me alone. He then said if he ever cheated with his wife it would be with me (yuck! I don't think so!) and kept on about how he is supposed to be our friend and we didn't tell him and it was clear that all of them were talking about it just like I suspected. One of the other guys had to interfere to make him let me go but he got in that guy's face, it pretty much took two of them to help. I couldn't just leave, I needed to get my baby. Finally another friend intervened said my son was crying and needed me (which he wasn't) but the guy still didn't let up and kept trying to kiss me to tell me he was sorry.

It was a pretty scary situation. At first I was mostly upset about him dragging the affair out in to the open then I realized how inappropriate he was, and I just got madder and madder. Anyway, told H (he could not make it to the party due to work) and right away he said that he thought he had an opportunity. He tried to make me mad and brought up the affair, and thought that he could use that to get me to sleep with him.

Sounds like I really don't know how to pick friends huh? Well H picked them, I became friends with his friends. Needless to say I never want to talk to any of them. You might wonder about his wife, my friend. Well I'm sure she heard in detail what happened as the other girl who helped me is also close with her. I also learned she was one of the main ones gossiping about the affair.

H is pretty irate, says he thinks he can get away with it because he didn't think I would tell him (my H). He wants to go "talk" to him, but I just think this is getting out of hand. I asked him not to, and that I just want to never see them again. He agrees that we will never be friends with them again but wants to still do it..

If only he could see ALL this damage his actions caused. I don't blame Sat night on him. I was angry at first at H because I felt he should have been there to protect me but now I realize I'm a big girl so this guy did stop by my house today (I work from home office) and I didn't think it would be good to be alone with him so would not answer the door. He texted me and at first I ignored then told him yes I was mad at him, he crossed the line in more ways than one and I wanted to leave me alone. I got 3 angry texts in reply, then a final apology "sorry I was drunk".

Rotten end to a rotten week (also ran in to OW just to top off all the "fun"). But I am happy to say that I feel the rollercoaster car climbing again. I realized that when I was in charge of deciding what I would do about the wrong that was done to me, I felt free and strong. Don't get me wrong, I would say I am a very strong person but with a huuuugge flaw! I don't like to hurt people's feelings and will do what is right for others. I never wanted to go to that party Sat night, I went cause it was his Bday and I didn't want him to be upset. I knew people there had been talking crap about us. But I gutted it out anyway and it came with a price. So now I will put me and my kids first, and if that makes others mad so be it. I should never have been at that party.

This is gonna be a better week! Thank you guys, you all give me the support I do not have elsewhere.
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

AZMOM,

I have been going through a dip too, and your posts help me feel like I am not the only one.

It was this month last year that my wife kissed the OM, and thinking back on how nieve I was got me depressed. I bottled it up for a few days then talked to my wife about it. I started small but soon all my doubts and troubles came out, and we talked about it for a long time. We had a good deep talk and I felt alot better the next day, but she unfortunately was upset. We talked again and she let me know what hurt her and that she was afraid of loosing me, and we both reassured each other we would get through this together. She is now feeling better too, and I think we are on the right track.

I think trying to raise kids and make a family drives people crazy, just from the pressure we put on ourselves. We get so caught up in being a wife/husband and mom/dad that we lose who we are, and what we need to want to keep it going from day to day.

I decided to go and start going out on friday to listen to the blues like I used to before I got married. I lost touch with all my friends since then and now all the people I know I have met through my wife, and I want some of my own friends again. The ordeal of infidelity is to difficult to go through without treating yourself and finding something to enjoy independant of all the responsibilities that we cope with every day.

So we'll see how it goes, and if it helps postpone the next dip, or at least find some support so they aren't so steep.
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

I think you are right its important to find an outlet, something you can enjoy. I think your idea is a good one. I am struggline with this one. The things I used to enjoy have no interest for me and I've not been able to find something new. I do enjoy exercise so do that daily.
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Old 11-11-2009, 05:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

A,

I trust you have set a timeframe for recovery, it is not healthy to rollercoster emotions without an endgame.
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Old 11-11-2009, 06:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

how do you set a timeframe? Believe me I want off the roller coaster!
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Old 11-11-2009, 10:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

Hey AZ, I think an earlier post said something about your H working a few hours away? Why don't you seriously think about moving. Even a new town close by. It could make a world of difference, clean start, and at least a little less chance of run-ins. You deserve it IF its something you might want. Could be really good for you. How can you get off the roller coaster if everyday you're surrounded by the past?
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Old 11-12-2009, 06:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

Shock,

Great advice, there is no setting of time but we humans are animals. There is only flee or fight in our bio makeup.

I do not post timeframe for all is good, but one in which the cutting into the heart and soul is livable without external materialism.

Without it your mental state simply will revert to biological which is to fight (never forgive every issue the affair brought up) or flee (become subservant to H and all things is good).

It cannot exist in limbo forever.

We all know couples that if into these catagories is our lives.
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Old 11-16-2009, 02:51 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men who take advantage of women who have been cheated on...

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillINshock View Post
Hey AZ, I think an earlier post said something about your H working a few hours away? Why don't you seriously think about moving. Even a new town close by. It could make a world of difference, clean start, and at least a little less chance of run-ins. You deserve it IF its something you might want. Could be really good for you. How can you get off the roller coaster if everyday you're surrounded by the past?
Actually he's working out of town temporarily on one particular job, its up in the mountains no other work up there which is why his company was hired here in the city. But to your point in moving I would LOVE to! If I were not now upside down on the house. Couldn't sell it if I weren't, so trying to come up with new ways creating new memories and traditions rather than trying to re-create old ones. It helps. This week is a good week. But this time me and the kids went up with him while he worked. It was a nice time, very relaxing...

On the other issue, the neighbor who decided to out me for the affair H had, and had his hands all over me, I've not told his wife. Can't bring myself to hurt her and feel even fraction of what I feel. My H did run in to him, but place/time not appropriate. He did come up to my H and said he really screwed up and is very sorry and that he had no intention, he drank too much, etc. My H just looked at him and said yeah he went to far and they had to talk. They haven't yet. I think I'd just rather leave the situation lie and hang out with some new friends. I would just never trust him.

We had met these people while H's affair was going on but didn't know them well enough yet for them to know anything wrong. Then they really got to know us during our reconciling so they see us as who we are now. It was nice to have friends not involved in this crap and now somehow its popped up and they want to know all about it...part of their appeal as friends was that they also were a new start for us.
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