i dont want us to be separated, need some advice - Page 4
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree62Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-27-2013, 05:49 PM   #46 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 572
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostViking View Post
Thus sayeth The Lord....
Posted via Mobile Device
True, but god forgives all sins. Not man.
Posted via Mobile Device
Brokenshadow is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-28-2013, 01:18 AM   #47 (permalink)
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,762
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamjaney View Post
Hi guys, I am new here and some advice will really help me a lot.
iamjaney~

Thank you for sending me a Private Message (PM). CEL actually sends a lot of people my way, so earlier today I read your whole thread and I'll do my best to help.

The first thing I notice is that you wrote one whole, big, long paragraph rather than breaking it up, and that's a little hard to read...so I broke it up for you, okay? My reply to each "section" or paragraph is below each quoted part.

The second thing I notice is that your English is very good and I completely understood everything you wrote, but it's not your native language is it? Or maybe you learned English growing up but you are from a country other than the USA, Canada, England or Australia. Is that right?

If so, I'll let you know now that most of the advice that people give has the legal system of the USA in mind or the US society in mind. For example, in the USA, it's not very typical for a wife to tolerate her husband's drinking and then calling her bad names or raging. In western society that would be abusive and considered a justification for leaving the marriage; whereas in some other cultures leaving a marriage would be inconceivable and a very big disgrace...even for sexual indiscretions! In western society we might advise someone to file for divorce and move out but people would not move in with their father or mother; whereas in other cultures if a lady were to leave her husband it would be most reasonable for her to return to her mom and dad's home to protect her and her good name.

Thus, if you are not from the USA or from a different culture it would be helpful to know that fact, because the VAST MAJORITY of people who write on here have that "western culture" viewpoint, and respond with advice from that position. That may not make sense to you and your situation.

Quote:
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My hubby and I are 6 years married, 8 years together and we have two kids. Two years ago, I was involved in an affair with a friend, its not really an emotional one. I know this is wrong but I just did it to find some sort of outlet in my very stressing married life during those times (My hubby donít have a work that time, I am the bread winner in our family and we are leaving with my mom and siblings. There is also a conflict between him and my mom during that time). We had a one night stand and because that guy is and adventurous person, we had it record in a video. At that point also, I thought I fell for him which made me somewhat distant from my hubby.
Okay so just as a recap, you were married for four years, and then you had a physical affair, and you say it was "with a friend"--do you mean it was a man who was YOUR friend or your husband's friend? You said it was not an emotional one...so did you just one day, out of the blue, say to this other male person who was a friend, "Hey let's have sex. I feel horny and life at home is stressful so I need to release some pressure"? OR did you flirt a bit, tell him all your problems, feel like he listened and understood and cared about you, and feel close to him like he was your best friend? If it was the second one, then it was an emotional affair too that eventually got so close that you also had sex with him one time.

You say your husband did not have work at that time, and you were living with your mom and siblings. Here in the USA, when people marry they usually do NOT go back to living with their parents because parents love to try to control their kids and undermine their child's spouse. So I'm not sure if that's how it is in your culture, but if a man here didn't have a job and had to move in with his in-laws...he would be humiliated and feel like less of a man. AND chances are good his wife would look at him like he couldn't take care of her and wasn't very responsible--she would lose respect for him. The amount of respect that a wife has for her husband is EXTREMELY important, and if you two had gotten to the point that you were losing respect for him as a man, chances are very high that contributed a LOT to your affair and is an enormous blow to his ego.

Finally you mention that the other man was "adventurous"--so I'm guessing it was a little exhilarating and exciting to be doing something so secret and kind of naughty like making a video. Now I'm not going to say making a sex video is good, bad or otherwise--maybe it's the kind of thing you like sexually. After all it is creative, edgy, and something new and there is nothing wrong with wanting something other than boring, predictable sex. But the issue I do see is that by calling and thinking of the other man as "adventurous" you also imply that your husband was a man who was (and maybe IS) not adventurous. This another way of losing respect for your husband, and another enormous blow to his ego. In his head, he is not as fun as the friend, not as creative and exciting, and doesn't stand up to him. Sooo...your husband's ego is harmed.

Quote:
After two months, my hubby found out. He saw the video and saw my diary where he read that I already love the guy and I was hurt when he left me for someone else. I panicked during this time, my hubby is threatening to leave me and bring my daughter away from me. I beg for his forgiveness and I told him that I will change if he will just give me a second chance. He was so hurt that time and he told me that heís been doing his best to be a good husband to me even if there are times that I am ignoring him and he felt that I really donít love him. But he gave me the second chance. I changed not only for him and my family but also for myself because after that incident I found out that I really love him and I donít want him to leave me.
So you saw the light. You didn't want to lose your family for a short-term thrill, and you asked for a second chance and you changed.

What did you change? Will you tell me what is different about you now? And what did your husband do to change? Did you get a job? Move out of your parents' house? Become a creative lover? What did you two do to recover from this (if anything)?

Quote:
We were okay after that, we even had our second child. And the two months ago, we are having issues again. This time, it was his.. I found out heís texting a work mate, I've read the messages and he was telling that girl our previous problem where the girl is being sympathetic to him for having such a horrible wife. I was furious when I found this out, I confronted him and he said heís just trying if the girl will fall for him, nothing serious.. So I forgave him and tell him that even if it is hard Iíll be trusting him again. And then after a week, we fight again over his drinking problems and another week heís flirting again with another girl. Issues are coming over and over, they are all the same, heís not giving importance to me anymore.
Sooooo...he said right out loud that he was trying to get another lady at work to "fall for him" and he gets drunk and he flirts with another girl? I agree with you, this sounds serious! But I think the serious issue is a little your issue and a little his issue. See, he let himself get into a position of being a male person who is not longer the MAN of his FAMILY. He lost his job and could not provide. He lived with his wife's parents. He let his wife screw another man and took it! She even made a sex video and he took her back!! In his head his ego is probably broken all to pieces, and one of the ways he builds his ego back up is by having the girl at work "fall for him" and flirting with the other girl and being drunk so he can be all angry. It's his issue because he is responsible for making the choices that put him in this position.

But it's your issue because as a wife, part of your job is to "forsake all others" and learn about your husband and learn how to love him. Part of your job as a wife is to learn what makes your husband feel loved, appreciated, desired, and manly. He has to do his part...yes he does...but you also need to do your part. See, for things to really change and be better BOTH of you have to do things differently. And one thing you need to understand is that even if life was stressful and not very pleasant, your choice to commit adultery hurt your husband so deeply that it probably changed him forever. He didn't make you do that--just like you are not making him flirt with the girls--but some of what you have done in the past and are doing now contributes to a situation where he is vulnerable to the advances of unscrupulous women.

Quote:
During our fights, heíll bring back the issue I had previously. I was hurt because I thought we already move on to that, and I showed him that I really changed. There are times, I asked him to just leave us because heís ignoring already my feelings, after he committed a mistake, heíll ask for forgiveness, Iíll give that to him then after a week or two, it will happen again.
Well bear in mind that your affair is the ultimate thing he can throw up and win a fight. Any time you two argue, and he feels like he is losing or he has to defend himself, all he has to do to win is bring up adultery! Thus, even though you may have already "moved on" it would seem pretty obvious he has not. And probably he has not because rather than say "Hey I love you so let's both work on what we did wrong" you two sort of ignored it and pretended it didn't happen. That doesn't fix things--it just covers it up.

If you keep doing things as you are, it's like a cycle and it will keep on happening: you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair--> you ask him to leave--> he asks for forgiveness--> things are tense between you two --> you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair, etc. on and on! If you want to break this cycle that means you have to do something different. Maybe try this: next time he tries to fight, don't disagree with him. Just say "It sounds like you think XYZ and I don't necessarily agree with you, but is that your opinion?" No matter how he tries to get you to fight just keep saying that.

Quote:
And then last week, he told me he had a work but then I found out he didn't go to work but to a drinking session with his office mates. I confronted him and this time he told me he wants us to be separated. I was confused because he just told me a month ago that he canít live without me. He also bring back the issue I had two years ago and heís telling me it has been haunting him even in his dreams. I beg for him not to leave us and fix the issues we have in our marriage but then again heís not showing any effort anymore. He told me, heíll stay not because he loves me but because of the kids. I was hurt, I really want to fix our marriage but he seems not interested about that. We are still living with each other right now.
Well living together gives you more opportunity to fix things, but may I just point out something to you? You know how right now you can see your husband getting further and further away from you? And you know how it is hurting you so much that he's not staying because he loves you? And you know how he doesn't even want to TRY to fix it anymore and it makes you feel very sad and hurt?

Yeah. That is EXACTLY how he felt when you were having your affair with the "friend." He saw you getting further and further away from him. He could tell something was wrong. It hurt him that you didn't love him or respect him as a man anymore. And it made him very sad and hurt that you didn't even want to TRY to fix it with him anymore.

iamjaney, can you maybe step into his shoes a little bit and understand now just how much harm your affair did? Can you empathize? Is there any way you can set your own hurt and disappointment and whatnot aside for a moment and say "Oh my gosh, this what I'm feeling right here is what I put him through!" and then somehow communicate to him that you did not "get it" before how you had hurt him and disrespected him as the man of his family and harmed his ego...but you "get it" now because you have gotten a taste of it from him?

If you can do this...and try to reach out to him like a person who cares about him (not love like a husband and wife, but care like one very good friend for another), it is conceivable you two could both change the way you treat each other and begin to rebuild some love into your marriage. I think to do this, you'll probably have to go first, and that's okay. Someone has to--and it may as well be you.

Quote:
I hope you can give me some advice. I am thinking if I should still be fighting for our marriage or if I should set him free and give him the trial separation that he wants. I am also confused why he suddenly acts that way, I asked him if heís seeing someone but he told me no.. please help me guys, your two cents are very important to me.. thanks in advance.
I wouldn't separate from him. He's acting this way because part of his heart wants someone to build up his ego. The girls at work pay attention to him. They think he is handsome or interesting. They act like they like seeing him or enjoy hearing him talk or enjoy his company. They are his companions and maybe even say he is smart. I bet he WANTS his own wife to act like that.
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies
Affaircare is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 01:28 AM   #48 (permalink)
CEL
Member
 
CEL's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 652
Default i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Wow awesome post Affaircare. Sorry that I send so many your way it really is a sign of my respect. If I was in the shoes of a WS or BS you would be who I would want to help me get out. End thread jack.
__________________
Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all,
I've heard it in the chillest land, / And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity, / It asked a crumb of me.
CEL is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 02:01 AM   #49 (permalink)
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,762
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

This meeting of the Mutual Admiration Society is adjourned.

__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies
Affaircare is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2013, 02:30 AM   #50 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: in a brutal, merciless, hypergamous world
Posts: 451
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Remains View Post
This is real?
exactly.
__________________
"I can cook my own steaks and don't feel much like duty-sex these days" Lascarx
"I've never met a woman who's aversion to her husband hampered her ability to accept the proceeds of his labor." unbelievable
The Cro-Magnon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 09:57 PM   #51 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Thank you very much affaircare for taking time to read and analyze my situation. Yes, I am not American, I am Asian. But I grew up using English as my second language. And I completely understand your point that we all have different culture and different beliefs and we have to consider that in giving out advices or suggestions to someone.

We have close family ties in our culture and a tradition of extended family. I am the eldest to my 3 sibs and when my father passed away when I was 18, I promised him that Iíll take charge of the family. I met my hubby when I was 19 and at 20 we had our first child and got married at 21. (I am just 27 right now and hubby is turning 30). We are living with my mom and my sibs from the start. And there are times when he was complaining about this because I understand it is also hard for him to live with them especially during those times when he didnít have work and is just staying at home taking care of our child. We talked about this recently, he told me even from the start I am not listening to him and I always ignored his feelings. I was blind about this fact; my main priority at that time is to work hard and hard to provide for my family.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post

What did you change? Will you tell me what is different about you now? And what did your husband do to change? Did you get a job? Move out of your parents' house? Become a creative lover? What did you two do to recover from this (if anything)?
I changed my way of thinking, my priorities and I am becoming more and more considerate and affectionate with what he feels. It is now only, that I understand what he went through, his feelings, where are those emotions coming from. And I am doing ways on how I could possibly help and support him. I told him, we could live on our own once we settled everything like finances and who will take care of the children. Previously, we are not talking about what happened because we agreed to just forget about that and move on with our life, that is after I explained to him what happened. But, I am wrong because he didnít completely move on. If I know that heís feeling that way even from the start then we could have think and do ways to work it out. I am opening conversation with him regarding that again thinking that this method will help him recover, but heís resisting it. We still have sex but he told me after the deed that heís haunted again by those painful images/ memories. (But we are having better if not best, right now). I canít do anything about this, I am helpless, I really want to help him, unburden him, but I donít know what to do anymore. I told him to just think of positive things, but he said itís not working. This is why he decided to have a separation so he can recover from all this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post

If you can do this...and try to reach out to him like a person who cares about him (not love like a husband and wife, but care like one very good friend for another), it is conceivable you two could both change the way you treat each other and begin to rebuild some love into your marriage. I think to do this, you'll probably have to go first, and that's okay. Someone has to--and it may as well be you.
Yes affaircare, I am really experiencing what he went through before. Heís drifting away from me just what I did to him. And I know the hurt I am feeling right now is way below from what he had when he saw the video. That is why I understand him and there are times that I just want to let him do what he wanted to do. But being a wife, there are times that I I just canít remain sitting in a corner while waiting some other girl take away my husband. And this quite hard for me because I donít know where to stand, shall I allow him because after all itís my fault or shall I fight for him because I love him and I am still his wife.

There are times now that I asked him if he thinks that I love him, heís saying that heís feeling that. And he knew Iíve done my best to change not only for him and for our family but also for myself. But he still wants to separate  Iíve done everything to plead him not to because I know we can get over with all this if we are together. We can support and help each other but he wanted some space to think things over. I agree with this already and once he left, I guess Iíll just concentrate with the kids and how can I move on alone. Itís just sad that I donít have anymore chance to show him how much I love him.
iamjaney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 10:32 PM   #52 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by forevermemorable View Post
Y
This cannot be further from the truth Janey. You have every right to be happy just as much as anyone else. Stop beating yourself up about this...stop condemning yourself! I believe that you have a remorseful, grievess, apologetic, and sincere heart. You realized the wrong that you have done and repented from adultery. The word "repent" means to turn from or in other words, to do a 180 degree turn from the opposite direction. You are no longer pursuing after lustful entices and intentions, but have thrown yourself at the mercy of your husband. You have also exposed yourself in this forum, with sharing your sins and seeking out help and advice. I commend you for it, because there are scores of individuals out there today, who hide their sins. In fact, all those who read this, what in your life are your hiding from loved ones...from God.


Janey, I know that as your husband leaves, he is stepping out to the unknown and you are hopelessly without hope. This is probably the most difficult time you have ever faced in life and I would encourage you to stay connected with a close gal friend who can encourage you and lift you up...to be there for you, to hear you out, to cry with, to give you a hug. I really wish and hope all the best for you Janey and your husband and your family.

I believe in restoration! I believe that you can shine once again in your marriage and in life. If I may, I want to leave your with a passage from the Bible that spoke to my heart to share with you, found in Deuteronomy 31:6, "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."
Thank you very much forevermemorable. Upon reading your post, I always have positive things in my mind. I hope me and hubby can surpass all these and start all over again or build a new life for both of us. I have great faith in God and I'm encouraging him to have that too.
iamjaney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:17 PM   #53 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,104
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.

Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.

I find it surprising that you only had sex once with the OM, yet in that one time you let him film you and do sex acts that you refuse to do with your husband. Especially when you said you loved the OM. I would have thought you'd find a way to have more sex with the OM if you felt that way about him.

Was it really only once?
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:26 PM   #54 (permalink)
Member
 
forevermemorable's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 141
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.

Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.

I find it surprising that you only had sex once with the OM, yet in that one time you let him film you and do sex acts that you refuse to do with your husband. Especially when you said you loved the OM. I would have thought you'd find a way to have more sex with the OM if you felt that way about him.

Was it really only once?
What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.
forevermemorable is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:36 PM   #55 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
You husband needs help to deal with the big part of him that died when he saw and heard you giving yourself to the OM.

Part of him died when he saw you willingly having sex with the OM.

I find it surprising that you only had sex once with the OM, yet in that one time you let him film you and do sex acts that you refuse to do with your husband. Especially when you said you loved the OM. I would have thought you'd find a way to have more sex with the OM if you felt that way about him.

Was it really only once?
yes, it was only once. Okay, OM is a new found friend of mine at that time. We are usually texting each other and going out with our common friends, drinking and hanging out. Thereís no really EA going on between us, we seldom talk about each others life, just the common stuffs. He is liberated (I am not praising him) and he is open to idea of friends doing the deed with no strings attached. I donít know what I am thinking about during that time, maybe curiosity and I am so immature and selfish, I thought about myself only. And then we both agreed to film that. He asked me to delete that immediately (he also had a girlfriend at that time and by the way, its my phone that we used) but I wasnít able to do so and that is the biggest mistake in my life. Hubby found that out. Same with the diary. (on the diary, after the deed happened, I had these fantasies that I am falling for him because of that experience and the short-lived happiness that it gave me). Itís not really OM just ONS with a friend. And when hubby found that out, I was like, what have I done? I love my hubby and I donít want to lose him. It just not damaged the relationship but myself also. I felt dirty and it was the lowest point in my life.
iamjaney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:39 PM   #56 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by forevermemorable View Post
What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.
Forevermemorable, are you my guardian angel? Thank you very much for the concern and understanding that you are showing me. But I understand that everyone has their own opinion. Donít worry Ill help myself be optimistic and I wont let them down me.
iamjaney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:40 PM   #57 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,104
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by forevermemorable View Post
What are you getting at Shaggy? Very discouraging and you are beating the topic to death. What you write has already been said many times in this thread. What are you getting at? Why don't you say what you mean, instead of questioning Janey in such a condemning and accusing way. When you use words like "I find it surprising" and "Especially" and "Was it really one once" paints you as someone only interested in attacking and condemning. Stop your negativity towards Janey...its not right or fair.
I made a single post, so it's nit beating it to death.

I'm asking honest and reasonable questions because to help her best the full truth needs to be laid out, offering someone niceties and "I'm so sorry" is not going to help fix her marriage.

Bottom line - if she has any hope she needs to directly deal with her husbands emotional destruction causes by her cheating,

But frankly her story does not add up, and it wouldn't be the first time poster massively edited the truth to make their affair less awful sounding.

It doesn't make sense the way she claims it was only a ONS. Who video tapes their first ONS? Typically cheaters are so busy getting into the fact that they are now going to have sex for the first time, you don't pause and ask if you can record it and then go about positioning the camera.

That leads me to think there is a whole lot more to this story than as been told, and if we are to help we do need to know the truth.

I didn't ask what she did with the OM, frankly don't care for those details, but the full extent of the affair does matter.
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-01-2013, 11:53 PM   #58 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post

But frankly her story does not add up, and it wouldn't be the first time poster massively edited the truth to make their affair less awful sounding.

It doesn't make sense the way she claims it was only a ONS. Who video tapes their first ONS? Typically cheaters are so busy getting into the fact that they are now going to have sex for the first time, you don't pause and ask if you can record it and then go about positioning the camera.
Who am I fooling Shaggy if I donít tell the whole truth in here? And what would it do to me if I wont tell the whole truth, will I be forgiven by my hubby, will we be able to fix our marriage? No! so you see, I donít have any reason to hide anything and its up to you to believe on that. If you donít, I donít care because my priority now is my family, I donít mind whatever you think about me.

It was a planned ONS. Two individuals mutually agreed to do the deed and film that, just for the kicks. No strings attached, no whatever, its like two actors doing a scene in a movie. AGAIN, I am not saying that what I did is right. That is why I am here to ask for some help and suggestions, not to be condemned. 
iamjaney is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2013, 12:02 AM   #59 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,104
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamjaney View Post
Who am I fooling Shaggy if I donít tell the whole truth in here? And what would it do to me if I wont tell the whole truth, will I be forgiven by my hubby, will we be able to fix our marriage? No! so you see, I donít have any reason to hide anything and its up to you to believe on that. If you donít, I donít care because my priority now is my family, I donít mind whatever you think about me.

It was a planned ONS. Two individuals mutually agreed to do the deed and film that, just for the kicks. No strings attached, no whatever, its like two actors doing a scene in a movie. AGAIN, I am not saying that what I did is right. That is why I am here to ask for some help and suggestions, not to be condemned. 
Where did I condem ? I questioned things that did not add up.

But I will say you are pretty quick to get your hackles up when questioned. Do you react to your husband in the same way? If do that will not be helping him regain trust in any way.

I will say, your description of the affair, the way to planned it, the way to even filmed it, seems a bit callous.

Is your husband also seeing that? Has he mentioned it?
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-02-2013, 12:05 AM   #60 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,104
Default Re: i dont want us to be separated, need some advice

And btw, many many former cheaters come here and do not tell the full story, even when questioned so do not be offended when you do get questioned. As a WW the choices you made show you cannot be fully trusted, so it is entirely reasonable and not hostile to respectfully as questions when things do not add up.
Shaggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
cheating, divorce, separation divorce

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I need Advice Dont know what to do!!!!! Please! *qt* General Relationship Discussion 3 04-24-2012 07:39 AM
Dont know what to do.... I need advice! Melissa522 The Ladies' Lounge 6 10-25-2011 06:47 PM
Need serious advice on sex while separated AllyM Going Through Divorce or Separation 4 08-16-2011 12:06 PM
I really need some advice, i dont know what to do abbyneedshelp Coping with Infidelity 5 09-27-2010 09:40 AM
Separated and dont know what to do!!! stevo7782 Considering Divorce or Separation 2 10-02-2008 10:18 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:55 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage