Hi guys, I am new here and some advice will really help me a lot.
Thank you for sending me a Private Message (PM). CEL actually sends a lot of people my way, so earlier today I read your whole thread and I'll do my best to help.
The first thing I notice is that you wrote one whole, big, long paragraph rather than breaking it up, and that's a little hard to read...so I broke it up for you, okay? My reply to each "section" or paragraph is below each quoted part.
The second thing I notice is that your English is very good and I completely understood everything you wrote, but it's not your native language is it? Or maybe you learned English growing up but you are from a country other than the USA, Canada, England or Australia. Is that right?
If so, I'll let you know now that most of the advice that people give has the legal system of the USA in mind or the US society in mind. For example, in the USA, it's not very typical for a wife to tolerate her husband's drinking and then calling her bad names or raging. In western society that would be abusive and considered a justification for leaving the marriage; whereas in some other cultures leaving a marriage would be inconceivable and a very big disgrace...even for sexual indiscretions! In western society we might advise someone to file for divorce and move out but people would not move in with their father or mother; whereas in other cultures if a lady were to leave her husband it would be most reasonable for her to return to her mom and dad's home to protect her and her good name.
Thus, if you are not from the USA or from a different culture it would be helpful to know that fact, because the VAST MAJORITY of people who write on here have that "western culture" viewpoint, and respond with advice from that position. That may not make sense to you and your situation.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My hubby and I are 6 years married, 8 years together and we have two kids. Two years ago, I was involved in an affair with a friend, its not really an emotional one. I know this is wrong but I just did it to find some sort of outlet in my very stressing married life during those times (My hubby donít have a work that time, I am the bread winner in our family and we are leaving with my mom and siblings. There is also a conflict between him and my mom during that time). We had a one night stand and because that guy is and adventurous person, we had it record in a video. At that point also, I thought I fell for him which made me somewhat distant from my hubby.
Okay so just as a recap, you were married for four years, and then you had a physical affair, and you say it was "with a friend"--do you mean it was a man who was YOUR friend or your husband's friend? You said it was not an emotional one...so did you just one day, out of the blue, say to this other male person who was a friend, "Hey let's have sex. I feel horny and life at home is stressful so I need to release some pressure"? OR did you flirt a bit, tell him all your problems, feel like he listened and understood and cared about you, and feel close to him like he was your best friend? If it was the second one, then it was an emotional affair too that eventually got so close that you also had sex with him one time.
You say your husband did not have work at that time, and you were living with your mom and siblings. Here in the USA, when people marry they usually do NOT go back to living with their parents because parents love to try to control their kids and undermine their child's spouse. So I'm not sure if that's how it is in your culture, but if a man here didn't have a job and had to move in with his in-laws...he would be humiliated and feel like less of a man. AND chances are good his wife would look at him like he couldn't take care of her and wasn't very responsible--she would lose respect for him. The amount of respect that a wife has for her husband is EXTREMELY important, and if you two had gotten to the point that you were losing respect for him as a man, chances are very high that contributed a LOT to your affair and is an enormous blow to his ego.
Finally you mention that the other man was "adventurous"--so I'm guessing it was a little exhilarating and exciting to be doing something so secret and kind of naughty like making a video. Now I'm not going to say making a sex video is good, bad or otherwise--maybe it's the kind of thing you like sexually. After all it is creative, edgy, and something new and there is nothing wrong with wanting something other than boring, predictable sex. But the issue I do see is that by calling and thinking of the other man as "adventurous" you also imply that your husband was a man who was (and maybe IS) not adventurous. This another way of losing respect for your husband, and another enormous blow to his ego. In his head, he is not as fun as the friend, not as creative and exciting, and doesn't stand up to him. Sooo...your husband's ego is harmed.
After two months, my hubby found out. He saw the video and saw my diary where he read that I already love the guy and I was hurt when he left me for someone else. I panicked during this time, my hubby is threatening to leave me and bring my daughter away from me. I beg for his forgiveness and I told him that I will change if he will just give me a second chance. He was so hurt that time and he told me that heís been doing his best to be a good husband to me even if there are times that I am ignoring him and he felt that I really donít love him. But he gave me the second chance. I changed not only for him and my family but also for myself because after that incident I found out that I really love him and I donít want him to leave me.
So you saw the light. You didn't want to lose your family for a short-term thrill, and you asked for a second chance and you changed.
What did you change? Will you tell me what is different about you now? And what did your husband do to change? Did you get a job? Move out of your parents' house? Become a creative lover? What did you two do to recover from this (if anything)?
We were okay after that, we even had our second child. And the two months ago, we are having issues again. This time, it was his.. I found out heís texting a work mate, I've read the messages and he was telling that girl our previous problem where the girl is being sympathetic to him for having such a horrible wife. I was furious when I found this out, I confronted him and he said heís just trying if the girl will fall for him, nothing serious.. So I forgave him and tell him that even if it is hard Iíll be trusting him again. And then after a week, we fight again over his drinking problems and another week heís flirting again with another girl. Issues are coming over and over, they are all the same, heís not giving importance to me anymore.
Sooooo...he said right out loud that he was trying to get another lady at work to "fall for him" and he gets drunk and he flirts with another girl? I agree with you, this sounds serious! But I think the serious issue is a little your issue and a little his issue. See, he let himself get into a position of being a male person who is not longer the MAN of his FAMILY. He lost his job and could not provide. He lived with his wife's parents. He let his wife screw another man and took it! She even made a sex video and he took her back!! In his head his ego is probably broken all to pieces, and one of the ways he builds his ego back up is by having the girl at work "fall for him" and flirting with the other girl and being drunk so he can be all angry. It's his issue because he is responsible for making the choices that put him in this position.
But it's your issue because as a wife, part of your job is to "forsake all others" and learn about your husband and learn how to love him. Part of your job as a wife is to learn what makes your husband feel loved, appreciated, desired, and manly. He has to do his part...yes he does...but you also need to do your part. See, for things to really change and be better BOTH of you have to do things differently. And one thing you need to understand is that even if life was stressful and not very pleasant, your choice to commit adultery hurt your husband so deeply that it probably changed him forever. He didn't make you do that--just like you are not making him flirt with the girls--but some of what you have done in the past and are doing now contributes to a situation where he is vulnerable to the advances of unscrupulous women.
During our fights, heíll bring back the issue I had previously. I was hurt because I thought we already move on to that, and I showed him that I really changed. There are times, I asked him to just leave us because heís ignoring already my feelings, after he committed a mistake, heíll ask for forgiveness, Iíll give that to him then after a week or two, it will happen again.
Well bear in mind that your affair is the ultimate thing he can throw up and win a fight. Any time you two argue, and he feels like he is losing or he has to defend himself, all he has to do to win is bring up adultery! Thus, even though you may have already "moved on" it would seem pretty obvious he has not. And probably he has not because rather than say "Hey I love you so let's both work on what we did wrong" you two sort of ignored it and pretended it didn't happen. That doesn't fix things--it just covers it up.
If you keep doing things as you are, it's like a cycle and it will keep on happening: you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair--> you ask him to leave--> he asks for forgiveness--> things are tense between you two --> you will fight--> he will explode and bring up the affair, etc. on and on! If you want to break this cycle that means you have to do something different. Maybe try this: next time he tries to fight, don't disagree with him. Just say "It sounds like you think XYZ and I don't necessarily agree with you, but is that your opinion?" No matter how he tries to get you to fight just keep saying that.
And then last week, he told me he had a work but then I found out he didn't go to work but to a drinking session with his office mates. I confronted him and this time he told me he wants us to be separated. I was confused because he just told me a month ago that he canít live without me. He also bring back the issue I had two years ago and heís telling me it has been haunting him even in his dreams. I beg for him not to leave us and fix the issues we have in our marriage but then again heís not showing any effort anymore. He told me, heíll stay not because he loves me but because of the kids. I was hurt, I really want to fix our marriage but he seems not interested about that. We are still living with each other right now.
Well living together gives you more opportunity to fix things, but may I just point out something to you? You know how right now you can see your husband getting further and further away from you? And you know how it is hurting you so much that he's not staying because he loves you? And you know how he doesn't even want to TRY to fix it anymore and it makes you feel very sad and hurt?
Yeah. That is EXACTLY how he felt when you were having your affair with the "friend." He saw you getting further and further away from him. He could tell something was wrong. It hurt him that you didn't love him or respect him as a man anymore. And it made him very sad and hurt that you didn't even want to TRY to fix it with him anymore.
iamjaney, can you maybe step into his shoes a little bit and understand now just how much harm your affair did? Can you empathize? Is there any way you can set your own hurt and disappointment and whatnot aside for a moment and say "Oh my gosh, this what I'm feeling right here is what I put him through!" and then somehow communicate to him that you did not "get it" before how you had hurt him and disrespected him as the man of his family and harmed his ego...but you "get it" now because you have gotten a taste of it from him?
If you can do this...and try to reach out to him like a person who cares about him (not love like a husband and wife, but care like one very good friend for another), it is conceivable you two could both change the way you treat each other and begin to rebuild some love into your marriage. I think to do this, you'll probably have to go first, and that's okay. Someone has to--and it may as well be you.
I hope you can give me some advice. I am thinking if I should still be fighting for our marriage or if I should set him free and give him the trial separation that he wants. I am also confused why he suddenly acts that way, I asked him if heís seeing someone but he told me no.. please help me guys, your two cents are very important to me.. thanks in advance.
I wouldn't separate from him. He's acting this way because part of his heart wants someone to build up his ego. The girls at work pay attention to him. They think he is handsome or interesting. They act like they like seeing him or enjoy hearing him talk or enjoy his company. They are his companions and maybe even say he is smart. I bet he WANTS his own wife to act like that.