How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-26-2013, 04:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

OK, here's a summary of what happened and where I am (and I don't know the whole abbreviation thing so bear with me if I use the wrong terms).

Wife got new job part time last year. Works with a team of doctors. All fine, one evening she says that comment made by one doc on their internal messaging system was 'not entirely appropriate'. I say to watch for him (doctor-nurse dynamic always favours the docs), let it go. They become friends, some of their conversation becomes more inappropriate. I point out she should maybe ask if his wife would be OK with it, let her handle the situation. Things progress, they end up in an EA on facebook and text, but both in denial about it. I confront eventually, usual horrible experience. Don't think it ever reached a PA, but can't be certain.

My job has had a downturn recently, we need her income (and to be honest, need a bit more). She still works with him. Then gets offered full time. I'm less than happy, but my job & income much harder to change so what used to be coping with 3 days of her working in same place, then 4 days off, now have 5:2. That troubles me a lot. Overall, I'm not coping well. I know she still txts him daily at work, and deletes a fair number from her phone before she gets home, leaving some. Her version is that they rarely interact except about work, so why the extra txts? And they mentioned last week that Thursday was the first day they hadn't had cake/ice cream together (maybe with others, I don't know). I don't have the energy left for another confrontation. Her current contract is fixed term, so this should end next spring but it's been extended twice and I am trying not to focus on the end date.

So, she obviously wants to continue with me - or so she says. I have two problems with where we are though. First, she's still lying to me about their involvement. Second, that lack of trust just undermines any ability I have to recover, and the person I'd normally talk to about it is gone from that role - I now feel I can't speak to my wife who I previously told everything, since she is obviously altering her behaviour based on what I say. So why leave myself exposed again? It feels very one-sided, i.e. she is being less than open, protecting her own life while I need help with talking about where I am and what is wrong, but am scared of being exposed to her abuse of my emotions again.

Has anyone else been here, or somewhere similar, and how did you manage to make that switch to putting your own feelings first? Or what other outlet did you have to talk to? I probably made a rookie mistake in not exposing them when this kicked off. It now doesn't seem right to do it 8 months later (yes, I've been in this place for 8 months now).

My main reservation in acting stronger? We have three incredible, fabulous kids, who everyone tells me dote on me to a far greater extent than they do their mum, and I could not live without. But everyone knows in a split the kids only go one place. So I am basically terrified of losing my kids.

Any experiences or advice welcome - I'm struggling with this situation a lot.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

I had a similar experience. My wife ended up in a (very) physical affair with a guy for 2 and a half years.

Tell your wife, it's either you or him.

If it isn't physical yet (it probably is), it will be soon.

Your marriage will be over soon if you do not take drastic action. It may well be over already. You are on borrowed time here.

It will seem drastic and she will paint you out as being controlling, jealous and all the rest of it.

She is now following the "cheater's script".

There are lots of threads on here about what to do in this situation:

- be firm
- expose him to his wife
- tell your wife you will not stand for this
- withdraw all non necessary contact from your wife
- tell your wife if the does not cease ALL contact with this POS that you will divorce her.

You see, you may be afraid of losing your family, but you already lost it. The rest is just a matter of time.
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

Chris nailed it. It's starting. The deletion of texts is a biggee. It shows intent to deceive. Manipulation of texts to bring about a different outcome. If there is nothing to hide then her continuing talking to the doctor after you confronted her, albeit early still says she doesn't care how it affects you. The cake/ice cream comment is off. That might be code for something. You already started so go dark, do your recon and see what comes about. Var in the car is a good place to start. Weightlifter should be cueing in soon, he is the man when it comes to that.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

If your wife is willfully and intentionally deleting texts that she doesn't want you to see then she is obviously not being trustworthy. Speaking from my experience only which was not identical to yours , you have or will have more trouble than you realize if you do not act firmly and quickly. Waiting until it maybe dissolves on its own next spring is enabling the affair to continue and progress.

You are assuming it is not physical. Do not make that assumption. Your wife is deliberately misleading you by deleting those texts. That should be speaking volumes to you.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

CONTACT THE WIFE OF THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. Your wife is deliberately humiliating and disrespecting you and your family. By contacting the wife this will most likely put an end to this affair. She is married to you and carrying on with this doctor. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your weakness will destroy your marriage.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

If it is still happening, I don't see why it would be wrong to expose now. What is wrong is to let it happen and hurt you.

Get a hand on the inappropriate texts, take a screenshot and forward it to yourself, go talk to HR and expose.
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

Thanks all. It's incredible how even after writing the OP, it was pretty damn obvious that I'm avoiding what needs to be done. It is bloody hard to get up the motivation when you're the one that's already been kicked about though (or is that just me?).

Your comments just reinforce it - how obvious it all is to anyone except the one stuck in the middle.

Appreciated, even if it is hard to hear.
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

Does she willingly give up her phone to you? Does your phone service allow texts messages to be sent via email so you can see what she is doing? Who is the principle person on your wife's cell phone? My attorney had me cut her phone off as I was the principle. It pis*ed my wife off at the time but she found out through her attorney that she could do nothing about it. By the way she had a burner phone to contact the OM. Your wife is doing what mine did in 2010. They are not smart in that they use their regular phone to conduct these A's. My wife learned to get a burnter phone later.

I would get proof and I mean solid proof. Do what you have to do. Get a VAR in the car. Put a pen one in her purse. Once you have proof contact the doctor's wife and employer.

Can you stop by where she works and look at her phone. If you can forward those texts messages to your phone.

Can you put a chip in her phone to record text messages?
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Old 06-26-2013, 09:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

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Does she willingly give up her phone to you? Does your phone service allow texts messages to be sent via email so you can see what she is doing? Who is the principle person on your wife's cell phone? My attorney had me cut her phone off as I was the principle. It pis*ed my wife off at the time but she found out through her attorney that she could do nothing about it. By the way she had a burner phone to contact the OM. Your wife is doing what mine did in 2010. They are not smart in that they use their regular phone to conduct these A's. My wife learned to get a burnter phone later.

I would get proof and I mean solid proof. Do what you have to do. Get a VAR in the car. Put a pen one in her purse. Once you have proof contact the doctor's wife and employer.

Can you stop by where she works and look at her phone. If you can forward those texts messages to your phone.

Can you put a chip in her phone to record text messages?
She says that though she'd rather I didn't, I can check messages on her phone. Not much point if some have been deleted though, really. She does need to have work contact so there are some messages about patients etc. I could try and unpack the backups of her iphone (they don't delete all messages after you remove them from the phone - I found this out after I accidentally deleted a whole conversation on mine that had hotel and flight reservation details in it!) but really I know they're still talking.

It's not that they talk, which given work is inevitable. It's the deceit happening again, after what the deceit represented before. I guess a VAR might provide more evidence, but again that's just more of what I already know. No chance to stop by where she works - as with most medical places you kinda need a reason to be hanging around and I don't know her co-workers to have a reason to be there when she's not.

Really, I know what I need to know. It's pretty horrible admitting to yourself the extent to which you are being dumped on though - I didn't realise how blinkered I can be, I'm the complete opposite to that in every other part of life. Live and learn...
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

FH,

Expose this POS to his wife immediately.

It is your only chance to stop this from destroying your M.

Most likely, he will throw your WW under the bus in an attempt to save his own M and this will blow up the affair.
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

And I think the other posters may be right.

You've let this carry on so long by being weak about confronting it that it has probably gone PA now.

Weakness and being needy emotionally WILL NOT save your M...it will just destroy it faster.
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

I might do just a little more investigative work. Going through the cell company's website to monitor her texts and calling is a must. You need to know if she is deleting more texts and how many;how long she's been texting him, when she texts/calls him. If it is during her drive to or from work then that makes putting a VAR in her car even more important. Even if she's not talking to him in the car, she may be talking about him to a gf.

Some may suggest you already have enough evidence and that you're taking a risk waiting; and they may be right. Ultimately, you'll have to decide when to pull the final confrontation trigger. But once you decide you've got enough evidence, whether now or later, you have got to give her strong consequences.

We come across a lot of BS's who's spouse are having EA's at work, and the advice is always the same. The spouse must quit the job. No if's, and's or but's. Assuring no contact is the first step and that can't happen if they both work there. If you're not willing to demand that, end of game. The other option would be her to file a sexual harassment suit against him, then quit. At the end of the day, you'll have to decide which is more important; her job or your marriage.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes. You've come to the right place.
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Old 06-26-2013, 03:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?

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Originally Posted by fuzzyhead View Post
....I need help with talking about where I am and what is wrong, but am scared of being exposed to her abuse of my emotions again.

Has anyone else been here, or somewhere similar, and how did you manage to make that switch to putting your own feelings first? Or what other outlet did you have to talk to?

My main reservation in acting stronger? We have three incredible, fabulous kids, who everyone tells me dote on me to a far greater extent than they do their mum, and I could not live without. But everyone knows in a split the kids only go one place. So I am basically terrified of losing my kids.

Any experiences or advice welcome - I'm struggling with this situation a lot.
Wow yeah I know that one. My fWW was so outrageously "right" in her crap that she shanked me time and time again, for a long time, before she somehow came to the realization that she had to own her crap. I put up with it for a variety of reasons, but I think I only emboldened her at the outset. Today she's of a much clearer mind, very remorseful, and feels like crap about the whole affair.

I didn't have an outlet to talk to. I eventually found out about this site after I discovered their PA and these people are my outlet. I can't talk to family due to other issues there, lost most of my friends (found out who was toxic and who wasn't -- don't let some guy call you "bro" if he can't act like one), things like that. It's a lonely, long, rough, terrible road. You feel like a pressure cooker with no relief valve. One of the best things I ever did was to regain my spiritual pursuits, which I had lost track of over several intervening years. I'm not religious, but I talk to God every damn day lol....

You gotta be strong for your kids. Hell, even my dog died through all this, so all I had to be strong for was me.
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