How do you prioritise your own feelings with theirs?
OK, here's a summary of what happened and where I am (and I don't know the whole abbreviation thing so bear with me if I use the wrong terms).
Wife got new job part time last year. Works with a team of doctors. All fine, one evening she says that comment made by one doc on their internal messaging system was 'not entirely appropriate'. I say to watch for him (doctor-nurse dynamic always favours the docs), let it go. They become friends, some of their conversation becomes more inappropriate. I point out she should maybe ask if his wife would be OK with it, let her handle the situation. Things progress, they end up in an EA on facebook and text, but both in denial about it. I confront eventually, usual horrible experience. Don't think it ever reached a PA, but can't be certain.
My job has had a downturn recently, we need her income (and to be honest, need a bit more). She still works with him. Then gets offered full time. I'm less than happy, but my job & income much harder to change so what used to be coping with 3 days of her working in same place, then 4 days off, now have 5:2. That troubles me a lot. Overall, I'm not coping well. I know she still txts him daily at work, and deletes a fair number from her phone before she gets home, leaving some. Her version is that they rarely interact except about work, so why the extra txts? And they mentioned last week that Thursday was the first day they hadn't had cake/ice cream together (maybe with others, I don't know). I don't have the energy left for another confrontation. Her current contract is fixed term, so this should end next spring but it's been extended twice and I am trying not to focus on the end date.
So, she obviously wants to continue with me - or so she says. I have two problems with where we are though. First, she's still lying to me about their involvement. Second, that lack of trust just undermines any ability I have to recover, and the person I'd normally talk to about it is gone from that role - I now feel I can't speak to my wife who I previously told everything, since she is obviously altering her behaviour based on what I say. So why leave myself exposed again? It feels very one-sided, i.e. she is being less than open, protecting her own life while I need help with talking about where I am and what is wrong, but am scared of being exposed to her abuse of my emotions again.
Has anyone else been here, or somewhere similar, and how did you manage to make that switch to putting your own feelings first? Or what other outlet did you have to talk to? I probably made a rookie mistake in not exposing them when this kicked off. It now doesn't seem right to do it 8 months later (yes, I've been in this place for 8 months now).
My main reservation in acting stronger? We have three incredible, fabulous kids, who everyone tells me dote on me to a far greater extent than they do their mum, and I could not live without. But everyone knows in a split the kids only go one place. So I am basically terrified of losing my kids.
Any experiences or advice welcome - I'm struggling with this situation a lot.